#olga cramer

Our movie begins with two people freaking the fuck out in Willy’s Wonderland and it is actually kind of hysterical. Next Nick Cage gets his tires blown out by a spike strip in a weird little town so he needs to get a tow. The repairs for his car are costly and they only take cash! Uh-oh! Looks like Mr. Cage is going to have to pay off his debts by working! Oh, by the way, some random girl tried to burn down Willy’s Wonderland but she wasn’t very genuine about it and it didn’t work. The job Nick Cage is given to do is to be a Janitor at Willy’s Wonderland for the evening. Not suspicious at all given that his bill was 1000 dollars! Just kidding, it is very suspicious. But Nick Cage is seasoned, he doesn’t give a fuck. He just gets to work cleaning the place, even puts on the goofy t-shirt and everything. We have a minor continuity error where Nick Cage has the duct tape on his cheek before he gets hurt but hey, it’s Willy’s Wonderland! Who cares about that stuff, right? Next we are back with the girl who tried to burn the place down, she gets with a group of her friends and this time they are determined to stop the evil doings in the town! Very quickly one of the animatronics (and boy do they have a lot) comes to life and begins attacking Nick Cage, but again, he doesn’t give a fuck. He literally just starts attacking it right away and only gets mad when the creature cuts his face.

It is at this point, one would imagine, that our noble janitor would leave. Not Nick Cage. He changes into a clean Willy’s Wonderland shirt, cleans up his face, puts duct tape on the cut, and then cleans up the remains of the creature he destroyed. What a guy. It is only when he tries to take the garbage out the front door that he realizes that he is locked in the building and even this doesn’t stress him out! Next this man pretty much time-lapse cleans the entire bathroom, and then a critter comes for him in his perfectly clean bathroom and the fight makes it all dirty again. What a bummer! It is clear by this point that he is determined to clean the place so it must be very frustrating when he needs to reclean an area (if he gets frustrated that is, he seems so unbothered by everything). Again, after this fight he just grabs a clean shirt and duct tapes his hurt area, this time it’s his entire abdomen which was pretty crazy.

The gang of teenagers who want to burn the building down arrive to burn the building down but first they have to try and get The Janitor out. I have a feeling these kids will just be fodder for the killer machines but hey, that’s Willy’s Wonderland for ya. The leader of the group, Liv, goes in first and is assaulted in the vents by the alligator and then by the siren, she is somehow able to get away but her screams invite her friends to come inside the building with her. Once inside they become completely stupid, the couple breaks off to a secluded room to fuck while the rest of the group go to warn The Janitor. Nick Cage doesn’t care though, he literally doesn’t say anything. We find out that the creator of Willy’s was a serial killer and that he hired other serial killers and they used the place to carry out their killings on entire families. When they were discovered they committed a ritualistic satanic suicide so they could come back into the animatronics (clearly it worked). Nick Cage still doesn’t care and goes about his break, drinking his soda and playing pinball.

The teens, however, are lured back into the main room by the singing animatronics. While they are distracted one of the animatronics (the knight) sneaks up behind them and straight up murders one of them. They all scatter while Liv distracts the knight. One of the kids gets two of the critters sent after him and he dies pretty quickly whereas the couple who were fucking lasted a bit longer before the gator went for the boy and ate him up. Nick Cage’s break was up so he comes out and helps Liv fight off the knight who he smashes up and then beheads with the dude’s own sword. Good stuff. They almost get to the girl who was fucking in time but the gator was too fast. Nick Cage makes quick work of the gator and then we make it to the room where one of the kids is being sweet talked by the chameleon. We cut to the sheriff who is on her way with a rookie from somewhere and she gives a bunch of exposition about how they made a deal with the animatronics years ago that the town would feed them outsiders and the creatures wouldn’t feed on the town. Pretty basic stuff. But no one is really that surprised that the animatronics come to life, which I think is a little wild. Back at Willy’s the chameleon snaps the dude's neck then turns around to face Liv and Nick Cage whose watch goes off indicating that it is time for a break. Uh-oh! What is he gonna do?

Nick Cage takes his break! He leaves Liv to deal with the chameleon on her own (sucks to suck). Liv puts up an okay fight but then once Nick Cage’s break is over he comes and takes over the fight. He takes the chameleon down the hallway and just punches out the siren and turtle as he is walking. But then the sheriff shows up and she is going to set things right… by letting the creatures eat Nick Cage. What a bitch. They grab up Liv who we found out used to be an out-of-towner and her parents got killed at Willy’s which is why she cares so much about closing the place down. Poor Nick Cage is handcuffed inside Willy’s now and things are looking rather grim for him. Just kidding because it was just rope that he easily rips off after he defeats the siren with his thick thighs. No kidding at all. Also The turtle goes after Liv as she is being driven home by the deputy or whomever that guy was. “Sucks to be you, Chica.” Whatever you say, Spanish turtle. She begins to beat the hell out of him with a shotgun (in the balls) and this works well. Back at Willy’s Nick Cage snaps the neck of the chameleon like it was nothing because these machines can kill everyone else super easy but to Nick Cage they are cardboard cutouts.

AND THE MAN IS STILL CLEANING. I SHIT YOU NOT. NICK CAGE IS STILL CLEANING WILLY’S FOR REASONS UNKNOWN. The man is possessed, I tell you. He just really wants his car back and thinks that the deal with withstanding even though they tried to kill him? I wouldn’t be cleaning shit after the first animatronic came for me but hey, I don’t have the work ethic of Nick Cage. Anyway the place is immaculate. Which as you know means that something has to happen to make it messy again (poor Nick Cage) so the Sheriff comes back and tries to offer Nick Cage up to Willy but he just cuts the Sheriff in half (oops!) then he goes for Nick Cage and slashes him up badly. Nick Cage goes and gets the rest of his soda and uses it to beat the shit out of Willy which works and then he rips the dude's head off. In the end the gentlemen who made the deal with Nick Cage show up, not expecting him to still be there, but he is and Willy’s Wonderland is spotless. Nick Cage takes his car and Liv shows back up and they leave together. The siren makes her way out of the trash (those thighs didn’t kill her after all) and she blows up the gentlemen who tricked Nick Cage. Our final scene is Nick Cage running over the turtle who attacked Liv as they make their great escape.