#oldmenewme

I’ve come to know some important lessons within the past 10 months. Scary, and at times adrenaline worthy, but it helped me to grow up. The past 10 months have taught me in life, everything needs to be balanced. Where there is some bad, there needs to be some good. And where there is some good, here needs to be some bad. But the most important thing is I lost myself. And I can’t recall when exactly I lost myself, but I have, and I need to find who I am again. Because lately I look in the mirror, and I don’t like what I see.

Lately, I feel that people outside of my family could do better without me. They don’t need me destroying their lives. Sometimes I contemplate in therapy if I were to die, and how I don’t see the people that are important to me at my funeral. I feel all I bring is chaos and destruction. And as I slowly see parts of myself slipping away, the battle to continue fighting is invalid. At the end of the day, I’m just me. I’m nothing special. I’m nothing of important. And maybe it’s because I’m a rape victim and confronting what was done to me years later. I feel so lonely that I am desperate to get a guy’s attention. And utilize promiscuity for attention. And when it ends badly, I don’t take responsibility for it. Some would say it is not my fault and that a man takes advantage because he thinks with his second head. Maybe it’s true. But I lost people due to these actions recently. Something I have come to terms with, because people will leave. There is nothing you or anyone can say to make them change their mind. It is a higher power stating that their story in your life is over. So here I type that I am responsible for what happened to me. NO one else and that I deserve everything that comes my way. It is karma coming to collect it’s due. It has made me feel that I shouldn’t be in society anymore. That I should run away, start over, reinvent myself, and just tell the ones I know who won’t tell where I am or even mention me where I truly am going.