#oldladydoesscience

I’m a little bit seriously concerned about jinxing myself. It’s like a self sabotage program that runs automatically if I’ve done something I said I was going to do BEFORE it can fully turn into a good habit.

For instance, I have been trying to wake up early my whole life. You know that romance of the accomplished person? Gets up at 5, works out, puts herself together elegantly, kicks ass all day, blahbiddy blah blah...... Well, I could almost never do it. Until this summer, my best friend and I did it for 6 straight weeks - the get up early and work out part. Then, in true rest on my laurels form, I had to go away for a week and we left it up int air about how to continue when I got back, and gues what? NEVER HAPPENED AGAIN!

All of this is to say I DID 5 POMOs AGAIN today. Stats and viruses. And I did it despite interruptions for a meeting about a course I’m teaching and a student consult for a reference letter, and making dinner (usually making dinner was my brain’s DAY IS OVER signal). Well, not yesterday and not today. And to make sure I don’t shoot myself in the foot, I am setting my intention for tomorrow. 3 POMOs of STATS. (I’ll up the daily intention number once I successfully do 3/day for 2 weeks.). I’m telling you to keep me honest.

I. DID. 5 POMODOROS!!! (Instead of the 3 I planned).

Didn’t do stats, which was my original plan. Instead, I studied (caught up on neglected) MCAT materials - a large proportion of which are also helpful review for the courses I’m teaching in January (two birds woohoo!!). PSST - your profs have to review stuff too!!!

I’m not sure what the secret was today, but the lack of pressure on myself was noticeable - I actually remembered, understood, and retained information. Rather than all my energy being siphoned by anxiety, procrastination paralysis, fear, whatever you want to call it, I was FOCUSED. WHO FUCKING KNEW??? Pipe down, well adjusted people.

It’s taken me 49 years, Prozac, and therapy, but I FINALLY understand the key to focus is a peaceful mind. That doesn’t mean stress is eliminated, or deadlines aren’t real; I just finally understand that divided attention - fear and focus - is BULLSHIT. And that a calm mind needs cultivation, and rest (even five minutes). Although I remember taking all of these classes in my undergrad, I remember also NONE of it sinking in. Wanting to CRY because I didn’t get it. Because I couldn’t. Because all the fear and self loathing sucked all the oxygen out of my brain.

Goddamit, I wish I knew this when I was 20, or even 30. My 40s have been so uneven because I ONLY JUST STARTED to get it. It took the fucking DISASTER of my early PhD, and a bunch of personal heartache, to get me to here.

Better late than never.

I’m calling it a night. Even though I have some STATS energy left, I am heeding all the advice, all the CRAWL-WALK-RUN advice, lest I end up right back in Rest On My Laurels Land right after a small victory. Anyone else familiar with that place? I want to have the energy for it tomorrow. I want to feel good again tomorrow.

So, dinner, some Bob’s Burgers, maybe some Forensic Files, and bed.

I genuinely hope you all had a victory today too. Sleep tight.