#oldertrans

Well, I’m not 24601. Obviously queer though.

I’ve been asking myself this question a lot lately. Who am I? Do I really have dysphoria? Is my therapist full of shit?

I go back and forth daily. Hourly.

I’m reading books on gender, watching videos on gender, doing the work to dismantle 50 years of socialization telling me I can only buy deodorant or shampoo or lotion from these aisles and goddamit THESE aisles ONLY.

Flowers are for girls; wood is for boys. We are divided in nature.

But what is a forest if not both? I’m like both. “Both” has been a part of my anxiety for decades. I wish the answers were more definitive for me; they never have been.

I, personally, want a label. I want a flag. I want to be able to express who I am in the alphabet, the community. Most of all want acceptance which has never come easy; not from the straights and not from my queer community. Yes, I need to accept myself first.

I live in the middle. I dance in the gray.

Am I trans? Am I non-binary? Am I genderqueer?

What does it truly mean to be any of these?

I told my mother and my wife that I am exploring where I fall on the transgender spectrum.

I told my mother and my wife that I want to learn to live my life in a true and honest way.

In the weeks since I have last sat at this keyboard I have navigated the hills and valleys of emotion. Yes, I know that sounds dramatic, but it felt dramatic.

I've had moments of absolute clarity, confusion, absolute cloudiness, fear, joy, more fear, more confusion...you get the idea. I continue to go from a positive feeling that I want to transition into a woman, begin HRT, exercise my lower body to enhance my small hips, socially transition, come out, and allow myself the ability to attempt to live a happy life to feeling absolutely dumb for thinking that I could be a woman, shameful for wearing clothes that are gendered for the female sex, shameful for shopping in the women's section of thrift stores, wearing panties under my male gendered underwear on an almost daily basis (this also gives me great joy/feels like just a normal part of my day now), and a bit of hate toward myself for thinking of putting my family through the distress of having me be a transgender woman in the southern United States (the hate, the safety concerns, the hell that it could put them through).

I type this as I wear my favorite skirt, blouse, panties, and bra. Over the past few weeks I have removed almost all of my body hair via wax or shaving, exfoliated, moisturized, learned to give myself manicures and pedicures, painted my nails, and allowed myself to walk the halls of my home with a feminine freedom (when I am alone). I have fallen in love with my hairless soft skin. I felt such disappointment when the hair on my chest and belly started to grow back in. At least it's softer, but I know that in a few weeks it will be back to the way it was and knowing how much I prefer it gone is causing me a lot of stress. The stubble on my legs aggravates me nightly as I lay in bed. Not in the painful/itchy way that hair growing back in does, more as a reminder of the wonderful feeling my hairless, soft, and smooth legs felt against each other and the fabric of my clothes and sheets continues to fade.

My disdain for clothing gendered toward the male sex has awakened and grown exponentially over the past several weeks. I've never "liked" my body so to speak. I haven't disliked it, but have just always felt that it needed to change, via working out to achieve a more masculine frame or grow it a bit fatter, figure out what feels better, etc. After putting on my first dress that enhanced my hips I only want to accentuate them. I want to slightly cinch my waist (I like having a somewhat bigger body, a fatter body), I want to show off my actual natural curves. Clothes made for the male sex don't do this. I haven't worn jeans in years, but wept a little when I put on a pair of womens Levis that I found at the thrift store.

These emotions, these feelings, these revelations have really taken over my inner monologue. I can't stop thinking about how I think I might be a trans woman. I've talked to my therapist. I told him about the crossdressing and the feelings that have taken over my days and brought upon more sleepless nights. He mentioned that I could just be genderqueer, and I agree with that. He told me to have patience with myself and I responded that I've never reserved that for myself. I do feel that the clock is ticking. I feel like if I were to transition into a woman it is now or never. However, I also know that I can not rush a decision like this.

So, I continue to open myself to the possibility that I am a woman, that I am transgender. I continue to allow myself to feel these feelings and think these thoughts and wear these clothes and practice the acts of self care and self love. I am trying to love myself inside and out for the first time ever.

I'm also trying to love those around me more. I want to share this with my wife at some point in the near future. I am terrified of losing her and my kids. I am also terrified to continue to keep everyone in my life at arms length. I wrote down a revelation I had to share with my therapist next week:

"I have wanted to become this warm, fun, inviting, open person that I know exists inside of me for so many years, but have been unable to let out. Am I realizing that I was unable to let them out because that "me" is the woman I have somehow suppressed subconsciously and refused to allow to manifest?"

Since my last post here, I have continued to question everything. Am I trans? Am I a crossdresser? Why do I have a stigma against just being a crossdresser?

I think I may be beyond being just a crossdresser though. I do want my body to change, not just in the styles of fabric that I drape upon it. I have always wanted a vagina. I used to think it was because it would be easier for another queer man to penetrate me, but over the past few years, I have just felt that I am missing a vagina where one absolutely should be. Since trying on clothes gendered toward females, I have a desire to have bigger hips and a more defined waist. I've searched ways to achieve this without HRT (exercise, diet, contouring shapewear, etc) and plan to start trying to see if I can make this happen. I've been pushing my waist in with my hands while I stand in front of the mirror and I truly love the way my hips look and feel.

I am not against starting HRT. I just know that is not an immediate possibility.

Now, I also find myself picturing myself with breasts. I like the way I look with small boobs filling in the dresses and t-shirts I've worn at home, when I am alone. The small man boobs that I currently have (due to my "dad bod") fall together just slightly when I lay on my side; I push them closer with my shoulders to form a bit of cleavage. I like the way it feels.

I've been listening to a lot of trans podcasts, reading a lot of articles about other people discovering they are trans, and finding other trans women my age on social media to follow. I have taken my measurements and now look for ways to dress my box of a body. I look at and shop the womens sections at box stores and online.

I am wearing female gendered underwear under my male gendered underwear most days of the week. I ponder if I were to transition, what I would do with my bald head. I imagine what my "style" could be. I dream of working a hybrid or remote job so that I can continue to explore wearing garments not marketed toward male bodies more days of the week. I think about how and when I will talk to my wife about all of this.