#old ways

Not only did you move back to your home town and into the trailer your mom had left behind, but you also survived your own pregnancy and labor without anyone by your side. Your choice. Well, partially. Your mother and stepfather had eventually found out, but things were so tense between all of you that they’d only met your daughter once. 

At least you got a free house out of it. 

Charlotte Rose Meacham. For the longest time you were sure she’d get your last name, but at the last second you had changed your mind. Despite everything that happened and your own stubbornness, you couldn’t deny that you missed him. That even now your heart breaks just a little more when you’d think of him. 

Which seemed to grow worse everyday. She looked just like him. Her lips were shaped in the same way, she had the same big hazel eyes, and same shaped face. The only thing she really seemed to get from you was your nose.

Nineteen Months had gone and came. That had been Travis’s sentence and against your better judgement you had kept up with it too. He was awarded no bond, no nothing. At first you wanted to send him letters, anything really. But you knew that would be too hard, that things would never really change unless you let go. 

So you did. For the both of you. 

Charlotte had been born and had her first birthday all within the span of his sentence. And now she is turning two. Her imagination was loud and creative, and she was just as chatty as her daddy had been. Stories were always shared, jokes told daily. 

You hoped and prayed every night that you were doing the right thing. That she would be happy and raised better than you and Travis ever had been. 

“You look so cute,” you cooed as you knelt down towards her, grinning at the way she bashfully swayed back and forth, “are you ready for the park?”

“Yeah,” Charlotte giggled as she stood on her tippy toes, crinkling her nose up before she gave you a sloppy kiss on your cheek, “go wee?” She questioned, hazel eyes flashing up at you curiously as you bit back a laugh. You knew that meant she wanted to go on the slide, but you couldn’t help but giggle at the other meaning too. 

“Yeah, we can go wee,” you confirmed as you lifted her onto your hip, holding onto the diaper back on the other side, “and then we’ll have our picnic and get some ice cream.” You told her excitedly, wincing a little at how loud she squealed and clapped her hands. 

You were having a bigger birthday party for her this weekend when your friends and hers would be off to come and celebrate. For right now this was fine. Even though it was just you two, you savored moments like this. One day she’d be grown and wouldn’t find you as cool. 

For now she loved humming along and singing all of the wrong words to your favorite songs, and she thought that your movies were the absolute best. Not to mention, you were the best at playing Barbie’s with her. 

But you were human, and sometimes your mind wandered to what life could’ve been. Travis, at one point, would’ve been a great fucking dad. Maybe he still would be. You just wouldn’t know.

You swallowed that thought as you pulled into the park, taking the time to gather up your water bottle, the diaper bag swinging against your back as you lifted her against your hip again. She babbled the entire time, holding her stuffed bear and sippy cup against her chest as you searched for a shady area to take shelter in for when she got too hot.

“Pwetty,” Charlotte commented once you’d ensured that she was ready to play, her little hand wrapped around your fingers, “mommy I go up.” She stated in a matter of fact way, making you nod as you held your arm out so she could climb the steps to the playset.

Her legs were still a little too short as she put her hands in front of her, huffing as she used her whole body to climb up the five steps. You pulled your phone out as you watched her go, tongue stuck out in concentration.

“Wee!” A loud shriek left her lips as she went down the slide, giggling with her eyes scrunched in delight. You laughed as you caught her, tickling her little tummy as she brought her hands up against her chest. 

That was how the majority of your afternoon went. You slid down with her a few times, and pushed her on the swings among other little activities. But the slide was definitely her favorite. As soon as your sandwiches had been eaten, she was right back to going down it again. 

You looked away for one second. One damn second to refill her sippy cup and that was all it took for Charlotte to wander off. A panic spread through you, your stomach twisting in a nauseating manner as fear gripped you tightly. Your heart was racing, palms sweaty as you rushed forward as you did your best to keep from breaking down completely.

Calm. You had to be calm to find her. If you were frantic you wouldn’t think straight.

“Charlotte? Charlotte! Where did you go?” Your voice was trembling as you spoke, your nerves shaking you uncontrollably as you quickly did a circle around the playground. Nothing. 

There were a few picnic tables nearby, another set of swings and a bathroom. Up the hill there was a track, and another large playground for bigger kids. Not to mention the forest behind all of that. She could’ve gone anywhere.

“Charlotte! It’s not funny anymore. Mommy needs to know where you’re at.” You searched what was closest to you to begin with, before you began to trek up the hill.

“Mommy!” Charlotte’s squeaky little voice carried over the hill as she trudged her little body down, grinning from ear to ear like she was meeting an old friend. She looked up to her left, but you paid no mind to the person she was clinging to. 

“Charlotte! Oh my God. You scared me. Where did you go? Why did you leave?” You were in front of her within seconds, cupping her face and ensuring that she was not hurt in any manner. She continued to giggle, like this was silly to her.

“Hide, mama. We pway!” She told you simply, like it was that easy. You shook your head softly.

“You can’t run off without me. We weren’t playing hide and seek. You scared me.” Your voice was still trembling with fear as she tilted her head in confusion, her hazel eyes sparkling in confusion. Your poor sweet baby had no idea the panic she’d just caused. 

“I didn’t-, well,” electricity pulsed down your spine, butterflies fluttering in your tummy at the familiar tone, “I didn’t know you had fu- friggin’ kids. Wow. It’s been a while.”

Travis. Fuck.

Oh fuck.

You suddenly wished you could bury your head into the sand and disappear, your tongue tied as you stared up at him in disbelief. Your brows slightly furrowed together as you fought for something to say, speechless. 

Travis, as always, looked handsome. More handsome than what was fair. His hair was longer than you remembered, most of it bleached except for his dark roots. It framed his face nicely, just barely covering his earrings. He looked tan, like he’d spent a lot of time out in the sun recently. 

His white shirt was smooth against his body, slightly baggier at his waist than at his tummy. He looked like he had gained a few pounds, not quite as slim in the middle as you had remembered. Not that it bothered you at all, or that it was bad.

It was actually pretty attractive.

Fresh ink was decorated on his neck and on his arm. Howdy was written down across the curve of his neck, a snake along his arm. You could tell by the markings that neither of them are professional, much like the little ones you had given one another once upon a time. 

He had the first initial of your name, and you had the first initial of his name. Both were placed on the side of your ankles. A small memory.

And now he was standing in front of you, his pink lips curled into an awkward smile as he began to speak again, breaking the tension.

“I mean-, I heard her come up and she was looking for you and what not. I guess it’s good that she was looking for you and not like just running away on purpose. She’s real sweet. You’ve done a great job raising her,” he nodded his head quickly, “it’s nice to see you again. Wow. Hey. You look-, you look great.” 

“Hi, Travis,” you finally rose as you held onto Charlotte, lifting her onto your hip. You wondered if he’d gotten a good look at her as you shifted her again, trying to keep her face hidden, “it’s good to see you too. Thanks for bringing her back to me, we were just leaving.”

“No wee?” Charlotte looked at you crestfallen, her little bottom lip pouting out as she looked as if you’d just ripped her heart from her chest. 

“I uh, I didn’t mean to interrupt anything,” Travis held his hands up innocently as he looked at you with his eyes. God, those beautiful hazel eyes still made you weak to your knees, “hey, I actually have been wanting to see you actually. I mean talk to you-, about shit that happened before I was arrested and-,”

“Travis!” A little girl rushed forward, her brown curls pulled into little buns as she launched herself at him, giggling at the way her arms easily wrapped around him. She was comfortable with him, like she knew him too well, “mommy said hurry.” 

Oh God.

Your heart sank at the sight in front of you, a nauseating feeling gripping you as you felt your heart shattering all over again. It broke unevenly into large and tiny shards at your feet as you did your best to compose yourself, fully knowing what this meant.

He’d moved on. Just like he was allowed to do. You made the decision for the both of you, you couldn’t be upset that he had found his own path. 

“This is Sarah, she’s six.” Charlotte leapt forward first, waving as she babbled off her name and a hundred different things. You bit down on your bottom lip, giving her a little nod and smile. 

“Let’s go, mommy’s waiting.” Sarah continued to tug on Travis’s hand, laughing even harder as he reached down to tickle her sides. You turned away as you shifted Charlotte on your hip, slowly beginning to take a step back. Maybe this would be a good time to make your escape. 

“Okay, I’ll be right there. Give me one minute, I’ll be so quick.” He promised as he quickly glanced at you, beginning to move in your direction. 

“Please!” You felt awkward, unsure of what you should do. You did not want to have this conversation with him, but you didn’t want to be rude either. 

“She say I baby.” Charlotte told you as you hummed in agreement, turning to fully face her. She looked like she didn’t know how to handle that information. 

“I’ll be done before you race to your mommy and back.” He promised as you felt your chest aching all over again, reminding yourself of what might have been. Still, there was no guarantee that he would’ve wanted this life with you. He was certainly happier than the last time you’d seen him. 

“Okay, go!” Charlotte giggled as she watched Sarah take off, looking very amused with her movements. She probably wished she could join but you had no plans of letting her go ever again. 

Travis turned towards you, eyes sparkling in the sunlight as everything that had been unsaid continued to pulse between the both of you. You shifted, smiling as Charlotte continued to babble to you. 

God. You hated this. 

“So anyways I uh-, shit,” he let out a nervous laugh as he rubbed the back of his neck, giving you a soft smile, “I’ve been thinking about you a lot recently because I’ve been trying to make myself better and what not. You know, I treated you unfair those last months. And uh-,”

“It’s past us, don’t worry about it.” You really had no desire to dig all of that hurt up. You just wanted to move on.

And you definitely didn’t want to think about the woman who had his heart right now, who was making him so happy. You didn’t even want to see her. 

“Mommy he nice.” Charlotte continued to babble, slightly overwhelming you as Teacake tried to finish what he was saying at the same time. 

“No it’s like this is part of my journey, makin’ amends and whatever. I want to make it up to you, man you know I put you through so much and it wasn’t fair-,” he was speaking with his hands, his words getting faster and faster as he rambled through whatever was racing through his mind. You shook your head. 

“Travis!” Sarah was back, huffing and puffing as she gripped his hand, “mommy said hurry again!”

“I’m hurrying I promise.” He told her quickly, but still calmly as she smiled up at him. 

“You’re talking again.” She pointed out as he nodded his head in agreement. Nobody could talk as much as Travis could. 

“Travis we’re fine, don’t worry about it. We’re cool.” You promised, just wanting this all to end. You could forgive him if it meant you didn’t have to see him again. Now that you knew he was happy, that he was better without you, you could finally move on. You’d made the right decision. 

“Cool, yeah but uh-,” he glanced down at where Sarah was tugging on his arm and sighed deeply, “can we do this another time? Please. I’d be cool or whatever to catch up. Like you have a kid. That’s-, that’s great. That’s frickin crazy, but it’s great.” You were tempted, and God you hated that you wanted to do just that.

But you knew you couldn’t. If you went with him, you knew that everything would come rushing back. You couldn’t do that to yourself, you couldn’t do that to Charlotte either. She deserved happiness.

And you couldn’t ruin the family that Travis had clearly gained. His smile was so bright, the joy evident in his eyes. You hadn’t seen that before. Not once. You couldn’t rip that away from him. 

You swallowed the lump in the back of your throat, then you spoke. 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” His expression dropped in surprise, like he hadn’t expected you to say that, or maybe it had to be with the tone you used. But you needed him to know that this was it. He could move on from whatever journey he was on, and not think about you ever again.

It was just better that way. 

A beat passed between the two of you as his eyes darted across your face repeatedly, like he was trying to decide if you really meant that or not. It didn’t take you long to realize that he was hurt, which made you feel even worse.  You stayed firm to your words, giving him a little smile but no explanation. 

“Right, yeah, yeah. Makes sense. Total sense. Like you’ve got a daughter and a husband and well-, yeah. Sure. Never mind then. We’re cool?” He changed the subject before you could add that you weren’t married, and that you had no interest in dating anyone either. But once again you were reminded that it was better this way. 

“We’re cool.” You promised, smiling as Charlotte played with the necklace you were wearing. 

“Let’s go!” Sarah spoke up again, breaking the two of you apart officially. You were surprised at the way you sighed, how your shoulders relaxed. All you wanted to do was go home. 

“Alright uh, bye. S’nice seeing you again.” Travis gave you a tight lipped smile, awkwardly waving his hand. You hated that it had to be this way, but you two could never make it work. You had too many issues. 

“You too.” You gave him a genuine smile, already beginning to pick the pieces of your heart up. Charlotte waved her hands up and down dramatically, smiling at him. 

“Bye bye!” She shrieked in enjoyment as you did your best to remain stoic, pretending as if your heart wasn’t being left with him.