#old ways

There had been a few times that it had gotten so late that you offered him your room to crash in, but Charlotte couldn’t leave him alone. She’d take her blankie and her stuffie when you weren’t looking and crawl right into bed with him. They were too cute to separate, but then that was a pain on your end because she’d be up all night long. 

Travis was a great dad. He quickly learned how to help with diaper changes and assisted with getting her potty trained. He had her favorite items down, including foods that he could make for her. It didn’t take long for him to learn how to assist when she got cuts and scrapes, or how to tire her out before her naps.

However, he was really struggling with telling her no. His heart was just too big, and you were sure that he felt a massive amount of guilt anytime it was brought up. Charlotte got away with a lot from him, but he was getting better at it. Boundaries were important and he seemed to understand that she needed firm guidelines on what she could get away with.

With you, she was still independent in the ways that she could be. It was a completely different story with him. She needed help pulling on her shoes, couldn’t climb off of furniture with help, constantly wanted to be carried and would suck on her thumb when he was around. 

For protesting so much about being a baby, you weren’t sure that she wanted to be a big girl around him. 

“You got her another toy?” You cocked your eyebrows as you looked over at where Travis was standing, struggling to get the Walmart bag untangled from the baby doll that he had purchased. 

He looked very handsome this morning, despite just getting off of his shift that morning. You weren’t sure how he managed to stay awake for so long, probably something to do with the RedBulls that he’d been drinking lately. Though you had teased him about cutting back on those, because he got hyper worse than he did on coffee. 

The bleached strands were pushed back behind his ears, his dark brows furrowed together as he successfully pulled the toy free. You got a good look at his howdy tattoo now, how it dipped into his undershirt. His work jacket was wrapped around his waist, likely because of how warm it was outside. 

“It’s the mermaid one that she wanted.” He mumbled in defense of himself as he gave his shoulders a little shrug, smiling sheepishly at you. You pressed your lips together, hand on your waist as you observed the way he presented it to you.

You knew which one it was. An Ariel baby doll, one with her tail still on. It was a cute doll, but you knew how expensive it was too. 

“Travis.” You gave him a pointed look as he grinned cheesily, holding the doll up towards his face. Your heart skipped a beat as you observed him, how his cheeks were slightly pink and he was staring at you with the sweetest eyes. 

The hardest part was being around him all the time. You couldn’t deny your feelings, how you were still deeply in love with him. Your heart always fluttered around him, the butterflies spreading and your skin burning any time he was close enough to touch you. It was like you were in high school again; crushing over him after he’d pleaded to borrow your notes for math.

“It’s one toy,” he grinned at you, “that’s it. I won’t get her anymore for a while. You know, she gave me those little puppy dog eyes.” You knew the look. It was the same look he was giving you now. 

“Well, she’s going to love it.” He didn’t have to worry about that. Charlotte would be ecstatic when she woke up. 

“Is she napping right now?” Naps were still a struggle, but usually a nice dance party followed by some rain sounds and a little tummy rub did the trick. Sometimes you had to pull out the big guns and tickle your nails across her back and arms. That always worked. 

“I bet she’ll be up any minute now.” You glanced at the time, nodding your head as you rolled your tongue around in your mouth. She never slept more than two hours. Her schedule was set. 

Travis lingered for a moment before he knelt and placed the plastic bag with the others in your collection. You pressed your lips together, trying to lose yourself into the music rather than focusing on the unsaid words that lingered between the two of you. 

“You want some lunch? Charlotte already ate. I was thinking about a sandwich.” The fridge was yanked open a moment later as you began to dig inside. A nice chicken caesar sandwich sounded nice, and you needed to get the rest of your chicken fillets used up. 

“Sure, you always made the best,” he smiled as he took a spot at your table, “how have you been? I mean you look good-, like you look really happy. Still.” You glanced over just in time to watch him wince and drop his head as he shook it. 

“I am happy,” you smiled at him, “I’m glad we get to do this together now.” You told him honestly, quickly looking away as you worked on the sandwich instead. If you looked at him for too long, you were afraid that you’d cave. 

Travis spoke for a while, filling in the silence as he talked about how his shift had gone last night. You knew that he hated one of his other coworkers, that he was always trying to convince him to do things that were no good. You were proud of him for sticking up for himself, and you always let him know that too.

He told you about the new self help book he was reading, how he’d recently gone to see his dad but that hadn’t gone well. Apparently he was thinking about upgrading his phone too, just so he’d be able to take better pictures of Charlotte. 

“What time do you want me to drop her off on Saturday?” You asked, still working on your first half of the sandwich while he was finishing off his second half. 

“Drop her off?” Travis looked at you in confusion, “what do you mean? You’re not comin’ to the birthday party?” He spoke with his mouth full, brows furrowing in confusion. That surprised you. 

“Oh,” you paused for a moment, “I didn’t know I was invited.” You weren’t saying it to be rude either, but out of honesty. No one had mentioned that you would be attending too, and you had no desire to invite yourself.

“Of course you’re invited, shit, you’re Charlotte’s mom. You’re my… you know. You’re invited or whatever. Of course.” His gaze was soft as he nodded his head quickly, using his palm to wipe his mouth off. 

“Does Naomi know that?” It was one thing to be invited by her, but you didn’t want Travis to force anything either. You two were just… friends. Yeah. You two were just friends. 

And they were everything else.

You still couldn’t press about their relationship other than to ask little details here and there. You knew that they texted and spoke on the phone a lot, that they worked together and lived in the same complex. He helped take Sarah to school every morning, picked her up in the evenings. 

It seemed like they were in a pretty domestic relationship in your opinion; seeking out that confirmation just hurt. You already knew the answer. 

“Sarah wants Charlotte there, so of course she knows that you’re gonna come. I mean I think you’d get along. You’re both single moms and shit. You know, I think you’d get along great. She’s nice, you’re nice.” The way he rambled was endearing, but you weren’t sure if you wanted to get along with Naomi. You didn’t want to fight with her by any means, but becoming friends with both of them would be too hurtful for you. 

“Okay,” you chewed on your inner cheek, thinking for a long time as he looked at you hopefully. Damn it. He really did have puppy dog eyes, ones that pleaded with you, “okay, sure. What do I need to bring then?” You covered up your lack of enthusiasm by taking another bite. 

“Just yourself and Charlotte,” he smiled at you, “I got a present and it can be from all of us. She won’t know, don’t worry about that.” He added, making you smile in response. 

The truth was that you were unsure of what you could really afford. It was rare that Charlotte ever got a toy from you that was name brand, which was why you liked buying her Barbies. Usually you could always find one that was five bucks, even less if it was on clearance.

You knew that Travis didn’t make a lot of money either, but he didn’t worry about certain payments like you did. You didn’t ask him to split daycare costs, hospital bills or anything like that. He was great about getting diapers and bringing groceries, more than what you needed. 

It seemed fair this way. 

Travis followed you back into the room when you went to check on Charlotte after, knowing how badly she wanted someone to be there when she woke up. She always seemed more confused at this time, and you hated to hear her wail from the room over.

“Hi,” he knelt as he brushed his fingers against her forehead softly, laughing at the way she cooed in response, “well good morning, sleepyhead. Is this what you’re going to do all day? The sun is out.” He continued on, earning a loud yawn and a deep stretch from her.

“Hi, daddy,” she answered groggily, wiping at her eyes, “mommy! Hi!” A giggle left her as she slowly wiggled herself up, kicking her feet together softly. 

“I can tell you slept good,” another tease left him as he lifted her into his arms, sighing softly at the way she wiggled herself up into him, “mhm, you’re so warm and soft. Can you be my pillow?” 

Charlotte squealed as he lifted her up, high enough that he could blow a raspberry on her tummy. She giggled as she kicked her feet back and forth, gripping onto his hair as she smiled from ear to ear. 

“Maybe you’d want to lay with daddy for a bit?” You suggested softly, “you know, he hasn’t slept at all yet.” You told her once she was wrapped up against him, sighing deeply. You could still see the look of sleep in her eyes. You had woken her up a few minutes early, but you didn’t think that she’d mind. 

“Mhm, yeah. I sweep.” She rubbed at her cheeks, then at her nose and her eyes. He grinned at her. 

“You want to sweep the floors?” You bit back your own smile at his response, giving your head a little shake. You thought her pronunciations were cute, but he absolutely adored them. 

“Yeah.” She giggled, holding her hands up to her face and closing her eyes as she pretended to snore. He kissed her temple softly, closing his eyes and rocking her back and forth.

“You could take my bed, I don’t mind.” You told him quickly, knowing you’d just disturb him if he took the couch.

“You too.” Charlotte gestured at you, her little brows furrowing together. You laughed, beginning to shake your head as you held your hands up in protest. It was not a good idea to lay with Travis.

“Yeah, come on,” Travis perked up at that, “I mean, what else do you have to do? The house is spotless. Like, I don’t think there’s a speck of dust in here. You should take a break.”  He gestured around as he followed you out to the living room, making a nervous laugh bubble free as you rubbed at your arm. 

“I don’t want to intrude.” Charlotte looked like a mini version of Travis as she continued to nod her head just as enthusiastically, grinning from ear to ear. You could see her little teeth popping up from how big she was smiling. 

“I’m lying on your bed, I’m pretty freakin’ sure I’m the one that’s intruding. Please.” His hazel eyes were soft, with adoration as he studied you. 

“Please!” Charlotte piped up again, holding her arms up above her head. Travis smiled as he pressed his fingers lightly against her ribs, making her giggle and squeal. 

“Okay, okay,” you bit down on your bottom lip, “just for a little bit.” You told them, unable to help yourself when they were both looking at you with those big hazel eyes. 

You were a goner. 

Your bed wasn’t huge, but big enough to fit the three of you in with plenty of space. It had been a long time since you’d been sprawled out on a mattress with him. Before there had been days where the two of you would just snuggle lazily all day long, his lips pressed against your temple as he rambled about anything and everything. Those days also ended with your legs tangled and bodies meeting as one, but you really didn’t want to think about that right now. 

But you wondered if he ever thought about it as you turned towards him, the room still filled with sunlight despite the curtains being pulled. There was a golden hue in his eyes as he hummed softly, lips pressed together gently. 

Charlotte was put first, mouth open and sleeping deeply as Travis traced his finger across her features softly. You were beginning to wonder if she really hated naps, or if she just needed him to snuggle with. She had no problem napping when he was around. 

“Shes so tiny.” A whisper left his lips as he peered down at her, continuing to trace her little features. Your heart fluttered at the soft way he chuckled when she crinkled her little nose up. 

“She really is.” You told him seriously, especially when she rested against him. Then she looked even smaller. 

“I know she doesn’t like being called a baby, but she is. I mean, she just turned two. That’s a baby.” He continued on, shaking his head as he looked at her in disbelief. 

“It’s only because the daycare rooms are labeled like that.” You laughed, knowing that you would always think of her as your baby. No matter how big she got, she'd just have to deal with that. 

“They should change their names,” he grinned, “wow. I’m just still in like this awe. She’s really perfect. You did a great job with her.” His gaze lifted towards yours, eyes as soft as ever. 

“Thank you.” You really meant it too. You were proud of Charlotte. She was chatty and sometimes sassy, but overall she was a very sweet girl. 

Travis observed you for the longest time, his lips curling into a little smile. His hand was continuously tapping against the mattress, so close to you that you could reach out and hold his hand if you wished to. 

Desired to. 

“Do you want anymore?” You raised your eyebrows at his question, thinking of how you wanted to address that. 

“I always wanted a few, and my pregnancy and delivery were fine. It’d be nice, but I’ve accepted she’ll be my only one.” You shifted on the pillow, stiffening for a moment as he tugged the sheet higher over your arm. 

“Why’s that?” Goosebumps spread across your skin, but not because you were cold. He rubbed at your arm softly, electricity pulsing from where his long fingers were touching you. A sigh left you despite your own protests, but you couldn’t help yourself. It had been so long since you’d felt him like this. 

“No one wants to date a single mom,” you told him softly, his eyebrows crinkling together, “but I don’t want to think about seeing anyone anyways. I’m happy where I’m at.” Or you were used to it. That was more like it. 

“Right, yeah. Sounds like a good idea.” He dropped his hand a moment later, the cold covering you as he pulled away. 

You stayed on your side of the bed, glad to have Charlotte sprawled out between the two of you. At least that would create some distance, keep you from wiggling up against him. 

By the time you awoke, all of you had shifted around. Most of the bed was unused as Travis had wiggled all the way towards you, his arm now underneath your cheek. You two were facing one another, his eyes still shut and expression relaxed as he took in deep breaths. 

His skin was warm against yours as you stared at him, breathing in the ink on his skin. He was still covered in the same moles, had the same summer tan that he gained every year. It annoyed you that he even smelt the same, incredible.

You cautiously reached a hand up to brush away the bleached strands from his face, lingering against the stubble on his skin. You missed touching him like this, ached to be held even closer to him. 

He shifted as he pressed his lips together, your heart hammering roughly inside of your chest as he tugged you closer. He’d always been a snuggler, loved to have you pressed against him whenever he could. 

Naomi was very lucky. 

A giggle slipped free when you realized that you had woken up because he had been snoring. His features fluttered for just a moment before he drifted back, though Charlotte was already stirring. She scoffed as she sat up, looking at you with a sleepy expression and bearing crazy hair. 

“Hi, Charlotte,” you whispered as she snuggled up to you, “how did you sleep?” It hadn’t been that long, but she looked comfortable. 

“Mhm.” She buried her head into your chest as she tucked herself up against you, your arms wiggling around her gently. 

She played around for a bit, grabbing a hold of one of your hands and Travis’s free one. You jumped at the sensation of his hand against yours, his palms rough on your smooth skin. Electricity fizzled clear up the length of your arm. 

“What are you doing, Charlotte?” You looked at her in confusion, watching the way she aggressively furrowed her features together. 

“Hands.” She sassed back, making you relax yours as she tried to wiggle your fingers with his. 

“I see that we have hands,” you answered softly, “you want us to hold hands?” You asked again, glancing up to see Travis was stirring. You relaxed, not wanting to disturb him after he’d gotten no drink. 

“Yeah.” She stuck her tongue out, concentrating as she tried to get your fingers linked with his. His hand was much longer than yours, bigger. 

God, you missed holding his hand. 

“Is there a reason for that?” You giggled as you sat up a bit, watching the intense way she worked. She made the same expression when she tried to set her puzzles up. 

Charlotte babbled off her response, shaking her head like it was none of your business. You snorted as you let her work, jumping as you felt his thumb rubbing the side of your hand softly. 

You snapped your gaze up, insides burning as you met Travis’s warm gaze. Half of his face was red from where he’d been sleeping, his eyes still filled with sleepiness. 

“I think she said it’s ‘cause it’s fuckin’ cool.” He mumbled, voice deep and raspy from sleep. Everything inside of you jolted at his tone. 

“Fuckin!” Charlotte squeaked in the way she usually did when she mastered a new word, her expression filled with joy. 

“Oh my God.” You quickly turned away, bringing your hands over your face to keep yourself from laughing. It really shouldn’t be as funny as it was. 

“Oh shit-, oh shoot. I mean shoot. I said shoot,” he quickly corrected himself, “oh no, that’s a bad word. We shouldn’t say bad words. I’m sorry.” He laughed as he sat up, pulling her onto his lap. 

“Bad, bad, bad.” She wagged her finger at him, giggling to herself as she stretched out against him. He shook his head, turning towards you sheepishly. 

“Do you think she’s gonna remember that?” You nodded your head at his worried tone, how quickly he snapped his gaze to you. 

“Oh yeah, she’s gonna remember it for sure.” 

“I’m sorry. It just slipped out, I really didn’t mean-,” he stalled as you pulled your hands away, looking baffled at your amused expression. 

“Trust me, that’s not the first time she’s heard that word,” you laughed softly, “happens to the best of us.” Shit had been a big part of her vocabulary for a while, up until you were able to catch yourself saying it. She still watched you sometimes, eyebrows cocked like she was waiting for you to slip up. 

“This is nice.” Travis mumbled, fingers still intertwined with yours. You weren’t sure what exactly was nice to him, but you liked the feeling of his hand against yours. You didn’t want to let go, not ever. 

“Yeah, it really was. 

-

Travis lived in a very, very nice complex. You were a little jealous. It was much better than the little trailer home that Charlotte was growing up in.

You knew this wasn’t his specific apartment, but it was right next to his. You imagined that it looked very identical.

The plan was to meet inside, get a few drinks and then head down to the fresh park that was finally finished there. He’d be helping out on the grill, which Charlotte was excited about. She loved hot dogs. 

“I know it’s not a whole lot, but it’s kinda like home. Well, I’m trying to make it like home,” he rambled on as he typed in the code to Naomi’s home, “I’m really so glad that you made it. I was just worried-, you know, you’re busy. But I missed you guys and -,” 

He didn’t get time to finish as he pushed the door open, exposing you and Charlotte to the big balloons and music that was playing inside the room. 

“Travis!” Sarah giggled as she ran forward, squealing as he knelt to hug her tightly. He lifted her off of the ground a second later, spinning her around playfully, “you came!”

“Of course I came. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” He told her as he kissed at her cheek softly, earning an even tighter hug in response. 

“And you brought the baby!” She beamed brightly as she touched Charlotte's foot, earning a strangled gasp. 

“No baby.” Charlotte protested, furrowing her brows tightly together. She peered at Sarah for a long time, her features scrunching up completely as she reached for Travis now. You raised your eyebrows, sensing a bit of jealousy radiating off of her. 

“This is Charlotte,” he introduced as he held onto both of them, “and this is Sarah. Do you want to show her your toys?” He asked as he gave both of them a little bounce. 

“Sure! I have so many fun ones!” Sarah clapped her hands in excitement. She was wearing the cutest little dress, a little tiara on top of her head. 

“No thanks.” Charlotte crossed her arms over her chest, looking away softly. You gave her a look, watching the way she quickly turned again. 

“You don’t want to go?” Travis was clearly surprised, taken aback by that. He clearly had no idea what he was getting into. 

“Mhm.” Charlotte hummed as she buried her face into his chest, hugging him tightly. You bit down on your bottom lip, not having much of an explanation.

“She gets a little shy sometimes,” you smiled as you knelt towards Sarah, “Happy Birthday. I hope all of your wishes come true today.” You told her, surprised at the way she launched herself at you and hugged you tightly. 

She was sweet. 

The room was full of people, many of them that you suspected were Naomi’s friends and family. You’d never seen any of these people before, so you were certain that they weren’t friends of Travis’s based on how no one jumped out to greet him.

There were a lot of kids too, most of them Sarah’s age. There were a few toddlers out there, but no one as tiny as Charlotte. No wonder Sarah was very obsessed with her. 

You seemed to be the only one that Travis had invited. That made sense though, this was Sarah’s party. Everyone was here for her and Naomi, not him. 

“Are you shy? I didn’t know you could be shy.” Travis teased as he tickled at Charlotte’s tummy, making her giggle as she dropped her head against his shoulder. She straightened up a second later, shrugging. 

“Nope.” She retorted, crinkling her features up at you. You sighed, recognizing that she was very proud of herself. 

“Okay,” he laughed as he held onto her, resting her against his hip, “I’ll show you around then. Oh, you’re going to love the decorations. They’re unicorns!” You followed behind, watching the ecstatic way she showed everything off. 

Travis showed her around as you lingered near him, surprised at the way he easily tugged you along as well. Every time you started to follow behind he waited, clearly not wanting you to be on your own.

Which you really appreciated. 

“Hey, Travis.” Naomi appeared, her hair and makeup made up so neatly that she had an ethereal glow to her. Her dress was cute too, complimenting her skin nicely. 

“Naomi, hey,” he smiled easily at her, “you remember my ladies. See, I told you the decorations would be fu-, friggin’ cool.” He caught himself, making you laugh. Your heart fluttered at the way he turned towards you. 

“Nice save.” You told him, body warming at the sweet smile he sent you. You were without a doubt melting, your knees weak as your breath caught in your lungs. 

“Let’s go look at the balcony, it’s even cooler.” Travis continued on and bounced Charlotte up and down, making her squeal as she held onto him. She babbled loudly as he hummed soft responses, kissing the side of her head. 

You were left with Naomi for a moment as he took all of the conversation and warmth with him. It was awkward for a moment before you pulled the gift bag up, giving her a little smile. 

“Oh thank you for this. It’s good to see you again.” Naomi answered quickly as she took it, the tension between the two of you being interrupted. 

“It’s good to see you too.” You were sure that you’d been all jittery and nervous the last time you met, probably looked like you were hiding something.

Which, you had been. 

“Hey, I’m glad that you came.” She smiled politely as you nodded your head, trying to think of a way to keep the conversation rolling. You never really had time for friends anymore, even the moms at the daycare. A brief conversation is all you really had anymore. 

“I hope it’s alright. Travis said it would be fine.” You answered as you pressed your fingers together, glancing over at where he was carefully showing Charlotte the balcony. 

“Of course. I wanted to get to know you better. It’s great that you’re letting Charlotte meet her dad finally.” She added, brown eyes analyzing you thoughtfully. You were both sizing each other up, trying to figure one another out. 

“Yeah,” you blinked, unsure how you should take her comment, “I honestly thought I’d never see him again.” You weren’t sure if that made things better or worse. She nodded her head. 

“I get it. Sarah’s sperm donor was a piece of shit. Travis said he was a dick, but it’s hard to imagine sometimes. Only because I didn’t know him.” Naomi added quickly, reaching out to touch your arm softly. You exhaled deeply as you nodded. She was being kind. 

“Yeah, he’s definitely changed. I think he just was having a rough time.” You spoke with your hands before you dropped them to your sides, realizing you had been doing it more since you’d been around Travis more. 

“I’m sure. It must’ve sucked being in prison all on his own. Guess it gave him time to think.” She didn’t mean it in a bad way, but it made you hurt to remember that you had left him like that. 

“Yeah, I assumed so too.” 

“I think you’ve done a great job for you and your daughter,” she smiled at you, “I don’t know if I could forgive Sarah’s dad, but it’s cool that you have.” Curiosity filled you for a moment, wondering what he had done. Maybe he hadn’t wanted to be a dad. 

“He deserves to see her. I mean, he’s great with her.” You gestured towards them with a little smile, heart fluttering at the way he was playing with her. 

“He really is a great dad.” Naomi added softly, almost wistfully. Her gaze was soft as she looked at him, something unreadable passing on her features. 

Something unsaid passed between the two of you, but you had a feeling she was thinking the same thing. If you started to rely on Travis, then what would happen with her and Sarah? It was clear that she relied on him in a similar way, like he was a father to Sarah. 

This was going to be difficult.

The party was cute, full of lots of laughter and squealing from the kids that were running around the new park. You lingered with Charlotte on the slides as Travis worked on the grill, but he quickly took over your position once he was done. 

Charlotte got her own hot dog, but other than that she ate off of your plate. She smacked her lips after each bite, wrinkling up her features in bliss before you gave her another spoonful. She really enjoyed the potato salad, which didn’t surprise you. She loved potatoes. 

She sat on Travis’s lap, stealing food from his plate too, with you on his right. Naomi and Sarah were across from you two, which made the conversations much easier now. Your smile dropped for a moment as you looked at where Naomi and Travis had rested their hands, their fingers softly pressed against one another. 

An ugly sensation filled you as you inhaled deeply, trying to pretend that you were fine. 

“Hot dog,” Charlotte looked towards you, smiling sweetly, “one more.” She repeated with the familiar finger way. You grinned, glad for the distraction. 

“Alright, one more,” you told her as you slowly stood. You glanced at Naomi and Sarah first, then lingered at Travis, “does anyone else need anything?” After a chorus of head shakes you headed back to the little picnic tables, carefully selecting which hot dog she’d like the best. And ketchup. She loved ketchup. 

“I’ve never seen you around here before.” You jumped at the warm voice that approached you, instantly gawking at the handsome stranger that approached. 

He was tall and lanky, his dark hair resting over his forehead as he smiled at you with even darker eyes. His face was narrow, nose strong and slightly bent. 

“Oh, hi,” you looked at him surprised, “I’m um, I’m Charlotte’s mom. Travis’s ex.” You rambled off as you shook your head, blinking in surprise. He gave you a lopsided smile. 

“I’ve heard a lot about you. You’re even prettier in person.” Your jaw nearly fell as you felt your body warming, heart fluttering against the side of your neck. It had been a long time since you’d received such a compliment from someone. And it made you feel good. 

“Thank you. Are you a friend of his?” You questioned as you tried to keep as casual as possible. You shifted, suddenly wishing that you’d worn a dress that dipped down a little further. 

“Naomi’s, but we’ve met a handful of times,” he explained, “I’m Tom. It’s nice to finally meet you too.” Tom held his hand out, fingers clasping your hand as he gave you a little shake. 

And you giggled. You really stumbled over yourself, smiling brightly. 

“It’s nice to meet you too.” Maybe you were being a little ridiculous, but the attention felt nice. You didn’t ever get attention like this. 

“Maybe you’d want to hang out sometime?” You blinked for a long moment, doing your best to keep from looking over your shoulder. You were fairly certain the hot gaze against the side of your face had nothing to do with the sun. 

“Oh, I have a baby. I don’t have much time for dates.” You apologized softly, unsure of how to feel with Travis staring at you. Maybe you should put on a bit of a show, but you didn’t know if that would make it worse. 

“Or if you get bored you could text me, I don’t mind.” The suggestion was nice. It would be good to have someone to speak to when Charlotte was asleep. 

You glanced over at where Travis was standing, his eyes locked in on you as he furrowed his brows together. His lips were parted, cheeks slightly flushed.

He did not look happy. 

“Unless you’re seeing someone else?” You turned quickly, eyes widened. You did not want anyone to think that you were with Travis, or that you felt that way for him. There was no desire to come between him and Naomi. 

“No, no,” you laughed awkwardly, "I'm very single. Um, sure. Why not? That would be nice.” You pulled your phone out, struggling with your one hand before you were spitting your digits out to him. Just because you gave him your number, didn’t mean that you had to talk to him. It was just if you wanted to. 

More nervous giggles left your tummy as Tom continued to flirt with you as he exchanged numbers with you, a little bit of conversation to get to know you better. He worked as a vet, which you thought was very cool. Very neat. 

Travis approached right as he left, greeting you as you stepped in that direction. You raised your eyebrows, glancing down at where he nearly toppled into Charlotte’s plate. 

“What did he want?” He sounded breathless, his lips pulled into a tight smile. You shrugged your shoulders, glancing back at Tom before you answered honestly. 

“He gave me his number,” you told him, slightly surprised, “this hasn’t happened in a ridiculously long time.” A laugh left you as you gave him a little smile. Travis stuttered for a moment, lips opening and then shutting again. 

“You’re going out with him? I mean, the guys a total sleaze. He’s always just doin’ that bullshit.” His hands were moving widely as he spoke, his head nodding furiously. You pressed your lips together, figuring that much. 

“I probably won’t call him anyways. I don’t have enough time,” you gave a little sigh, “but it’s nice to know someone thinks I’m still attractive.”

“You’re beautiful,” Travis looked at you surprised as he furrowed his brows together, a shocked sound leaving his lips, “like you’re as stunning as the day I met you. Like you’re perfect, you know, I always thought you were my dream girl and shit.” 

His revelation nearly made you melt right there, your eyes widening and lips parting in surprise. Dream girl? He was lying, he had to be lying. 

“I didn’t-,” you gulped, trying to find the words to speak. Travis had always been the man of your dreams. Always. 

“Travis, we’re about to cut the cake!” Naomi shouted over, breaking apart the tension between the two of you. You gulped roughly. 

“You comin’?” His smile was light as he looked at you, tilting his head softly. 

You stood back bringing the hot dog back to Charlotte as she instantly wrapped her little arms around you. You helped her stand up, gesturing towards Travis.

“Do you want to watch Sarah blow out the candles?” You questioned, not at all bothered as she threw herself towards him. He chuckled, kissing all over her face. 

Everyone gathered around Sarah, though Travis and Naomi rested on either side of her. You followed along with everyone else as they sang, Charlotte looking lost for a moment but babbling in her own little version. She successfully clapped her hands before everyone else, squealing when everyone else started to cheer. 

Sarah was beaming as she leaned forward to blow her candles out, her crown glowing from the candlelight. You looked around, a little amazed by the community that Naomi had. You didn’t know her very well, but you were jealous. You really didn’t have anyone, and by the looks of it, she had a lot of people.

But she deserved it. You knew that. 

“Ope, got some icing on you. Right there. Silly goose, you’re so messy.” Travis teased once the cake was pulled away, wiping where she’d been successful on scooping up a fingerful of icing. Sarah grinned as he wiped it off of her cheek. 

“Thanks, dad!” Sarah beamed, dark eyes shining in admiration as his face fell. 

Everything went quiet for a moment. Noami and Travis shared the same shocked expression, though you could see the guilt and concern that immediately formed on the lines of his face. He didn’t know what to do as a nervous laugh bubbled free.

And you were going to be sick.

“Cake! Let’s cut the cake!” Naomi’s mom interrupted loudly, clapping her hands together as she broke the tension, “we don’t want it to go to waste.” 

You had a hard time eating, your stomach still stiff and filled with rocks as you got served your piece. You knew that Travis was very close with Sarah, but you didn’t suspect that they were that close. Then again, it all made sense. It didn’t seem that there was anyone else in Sarah’s life to fill that fatherly role. 

Charlotte was oblivious to it all

“Hey, it’s your favorite cake,” Travis smiled at you, “Sarah must’ve known. What do you think?” He sat near you, close enough that his leg was brushing against yours. Not once did he bring up what had happened, but that was none of your business. 

“It’s a great birthday party,” you nodded your head, “Naomi is lucky to have you and everyone else.” You added as you looked around. They were all of Naomi’s friends and family, but they seemed to like him. 

“Your mom is still-?” he drew out slowly, giving Charlotte a big bite of his cake. Well, at least he wasn’t afraid of baby slobbers. 

“Yeah, she’s my mom,” you shrugged your shoulders, “I think I was always better off without her anyways.” She’d just nitpick everything, or point out how you’d done everything wrong. In all honesty, you were surprised that she hadn’t found a way to blab to Travis when you’d had Charlotte. 

“You don’t have to be alone though,” he answered quickly, “like I’m here if you ever wanna, I don’t know, just talk. Or have someone to sit with or whatever.” That was sweet. It really was, but you couldn’t talk to him about everything. Not about your conflicting feelings or how badly you wished you were in Naomi’s shoes. 

“Sure, I’d appreciate that.” You gave him a little nod, then a smile to really sell the deal. He continued to watch you, not quite believing you. You sighed as you dropped your head, sure that he could read you just as easily too. 

“Play?” Charlotte piped up, crinkling her features together as he wiped the icing and cake from her face until she was clean again. 

“Yeah, you two should go play,” you teased, “I’m going to grab another slice of cake.” You lied, needing to give yourself a moment to breathe.

“Cool, cool,” he nodded his head, “great. It’s great cake and your favorite. I said that, I already said that,” a cough left his lips, “anyways I’ll be over here if you need anything.” He gestured towards the slides roughly with his thumb, laughing a little awkwardly as he lifted Charlotte into his arms. 

“Thank you, Travis.” It was hard to tell why he had grown so nervous. Was he worried about what Sarah had said? Did he think that he’d given you false hope? Maybe he hadn’t meant to call you his dream girl either. You didn’t know.

Ugh. It was all frustrating. 

Suddenly you could understand why people smoked. A cigarette sounded very nice right about now, but you only did that when you were hammered. And it had been a long time since you’d drank. 

The rest of the afternoon passed slowly, though you were in no rush to leave. Mainly because you had rode along with Travis, and he looked very comfortable in his current spot of spitting out jokes with Sarah and Charlotte. 

Charlotte never threw tantrums, not ever. One second she was sitting on his other lap politely, listening to whatever him and Sarah were talking to her about. The next second she went stiff, features crinkled up in anguish as she began to bawl. She slid all the way down his leg, sobbing as she launched herself to the floor and began to kick.

“No!” Her scream was muffled as she buried her face into the grass, leaving you surprised as you rushed over. 

“What’s no?” Travis stood frantically, looking down in concern as he put her hands on her waist and lifted her up. Her little fingers were clenched into fists as she howled, fat tears running down her cheeks, “hey, hey. What’s wrong?” He tried again, only to earn a wail in response. 

“Mommy!” She reached for you, still bawling loudly as you gently scooped her into your arms. You were a little embarrassed at the way eyes turned towards the scene, a little frantic to get her calmed down again. 

Charlotte relaxed against your touch as she held onto you tightly, crying into your chest as Travis held his hands out in alarm. He was staring in disbelief, giving you a little shake of his head as he tried to make sense of what had happened. 

“She’s probably just tired,” you apologized gently, “I’m gonna step over here for a second.” You explained as Charlotte hiccuped against your skin, shoulders trembling from the way she was trying to catch her breath. 

“I’ll go too.” He offered, falling short as Sarah caught his hand. 

“No, Travis! Stay here!” She pleaded, pouting out her little lip and looking at him with big brown eyes. Charlotte continued to whimper as you took another step back. 

You could see it then, the battle that he was having. He was stuck, unsure of what to do or where to go.

After all, it was Sarah’s birthday. He didn’t need to deal with two upset girls. And it wasn’t that big of a deal. Charlotte would have many more breakdowns. 

You rocked her back and forth as you nodded your head in reassurance at him, stepping away until you were at the edge of the park. She was aggressively wiping at her chubby cheeks, looking upset at the fat tears that continued to fall from her eyes. 

“It’s okay, baby. Let it all out. I’m right here.” You reassured as you kissed her temple gently. You could see it then when she looked at you, the exhaustion that was in her eyes. Though she hated naps, she really did need them still. She was so used to them, and it was well past the time she normally slept at. She was just tired, that was all. 

Charlotte babbled into your chest as she sobbed for the longest time before she eventually relaxed, her cheek squished against your chest as she sniffled deeply. You kissed the top of her head, rubbing at her back as she eventually calmed down enough to point at the flowers that were popping up.

“Those are pretty, aren’t they?” You hummed as she continued to point at them, babbling softly. You rocked her back and forth, smiling at the way she yawned. 

“Yeah. I like.” She dropped her head against your shoulder, eyes beginning to flutter shut. You kissed the top of her head as you moved to the swings with her, taking a spot. This was as close to your rocking chair as you’d get. 

Travis walked over a few minutes later, hands in his pockets as he glanced over his shoulder. There were tense lines on his features, like he was debating if he should approach or not. 

“Hey, what happened? I swear I didn’t do nothin’. She was fine one second and then she just wasn’t.” He was looking at her nervously as he knelt over, kissing the top of her head. She dropped her face into your chest, groaning as she rubbed her nose on your skin. 

“It’s probably just a lot for her right now. She really hasn’t been around this many people before, and she didn’t nap earlier.” You explained gently as he sat on the swing next to you. He stumbled for a moment, nearly missing it before he straightened himself out. 

“She doesn’t take a morning nap.” His tone was filled with confusion, worry. You shook your head, knowing it wasn’t like that. 

“I know, but it’s different from her normal schedule. She’s not hurt, I think she’s just tired. Really. She’s fine.” You promised him, rubbing at her back softly. 

He looked at you for the longest time, still bearing that same worried expression. You knew that this was new to him, that he wasn’t sure if he should believe you or not. Charlotte was too little to hold grudges, to even really get upset over anything. She was just tired. 

And although this had been her first tantrum, you had witnessed her when she’d been sick and unable to sleep. That had been miserable for both of you. 

“Charlotte, what’s wrong? Are you alright-, like, do you want to go back and play?” He tried as he touched her little fingers gently. She pulled away. 

“Go bye bye.” She mumbled into your chest, sounding half asleep. 

“You want to go home?” he looked at her a little hurt, features crinkling together, “okay. We can take you home.” He nodded his head as you began to protest. He didn’t need to do all of that. You could call an Uber to take you back. 

“No you.” His expression completely dropped this time, a crestfallen look settling over him as he looked at her heartbroken. You quickly shook your head, knowing that’s not what she meant at all. 

You’d already gone through several stages where Charlotte had pushed you off, where she didn’t want you to play with her or she had grown tired of your snuggles. It wasn’t her trying to be mean, or even because she was holding a grudge.

She was just tired. And she was a baby. He just didn’t know that yet. The first time always hurts the hardest. 

“She doesn’t mean it like that.” You answered quickly, watching the way his eyes snapped up towards yours. He gave a brief nod of his head. 

“I know, I know. I just-,” he shrugged his shoulders weakly, “yeah. I know.”  He gave a weak response, looking at her softly. 

“She loves you Travis. I’m sure she doesn’t want to take you away from the party.” You told him gently, gesturing back over towards where everyone was at. 

“Yeah, but I’m her dad. I’m not goin’ to just stay here while she’s gone.” Travis furrowed his brows together, giving his head a quick shake like you were saying something ridiculous. 

“You live here.” The reminder was gentle, but you could see how harshly it settled over him. 

A beat passed between the two of you as you both rocked back and forth on the swings, Charlotte’s cheek warm against your chest as she finally slipped into her slumber. 

“Why don’t you come over to my house then? She can see how she likes it or whatever.” He looked at you hopefully, though you weren’t really sure that was the best idea. 

“I think she needs to rest.” You were doing your best to disagree, but he just shot those pretty hazel eyes at you again. 

“Please.”

You begrudgingly agreed, following along as he went through saying his long goodbyes. You felt bad for tearing him away, feeling like you were making him miss out on something. No part of you desired to be that difficult ex, and you really weren’t. 

His apartment was cozier than you had expected, slightly messy, but not in a bad way. There was a handful of clothes on the chair that he quickly scooped up and moved as he rambled off about the mess, flickering lights on as you peered around. 

The TV stand was full of different movies, some that you recognized and some were new. He still had his vinyl collection, an old box of video games that he never really used. 

It even smelt like him, though vanilla lingered in the room. You wondered if it was the scent that he was using in the wax warmer. It smelt very nice. 

There were of course plenty of pictures of Charlotte that had been placed up, looking like those were the most recent. There were ones of Sarah and Naomi too, a few of them with him involved. 

The most surprising were the pictures of you. Some old ones from when you’d been dating, your smiles happy and an adorning look in your eyes. Then there were some new ones, ones that you didn’t even know he’d taken. A few with you holding onto Charlotte, and a few on your own. 

You weren’t sure what to think about that.

“You have a nice place,” you told him honestly, smiling as he continued to move stuff around, “Travis, it’s fine. It’s not that messy. I have a toddler too, I can deal with the mess.” You promised, watching the way his eyes softened. 

“It’s not much but uh,” he shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t know. I want to make a home. I just-, I feel like the closest place to a home was the place we had together.”

“Now that was a mess.” You teased softly, trying to ignore the way your heart was soaring. He snorted as he shook his head.

“Yeah, but it was made of all of us. It was nice,” he peered up at you, “do you ever miss it? I know you got a nice set up and all right now but-, yeah. Do you?” His expression was hopeful, a hint of worry in his eyes.

“All the time,” you told him gently, smiling at the way he sighed in relief, “I mean we had the craziest neighbors, all of our door handles rattled… oh! And the sink that only worked if you flushed the toilet at the same time.” Your smile grew wider as you spoke, and he mirrored you. 

“You can’t forget about the bathroom light switch that was connected to the kitchen,” he reminded you softly, “that gave us all a few scares.”

“You did it on purpose.” You teased him as you pressed against his shoulder gently. He beamed from ear to ear, giving his shoulders a little shrug. 

“Sometimes,” he admitted, your heart fluttered as his hand came to rest against your hip. You could feel his touch radiating through your dress, burning onto your skin, “I don’t know, I think Charlotte would’ve liked it there. It would’ve been crowded but… I don’t know, man. Just feel like she would.”

“Oh she would’ve loved to play there,” you nodded along, enjoying the way his eyes lingered across your features, “I think she would’ve had a blast.”

“Do you think-,” he paused for a moment, stopping himself before he considered his question again, “like if I hadn’t been an idiot, do you think we would’ve worked? LIke would you have stayed and kept the baby?” It took a moment for him to meet your eye, like he was afraid of what you’d answer.

“Maybe,” you rubbed at your arm, “I don’t want you to blame yourself, because it wasn’t just your fault. You know that right? Like I fucked up too. It wasn’t just you.” You told him gently, watching the relief that formed on his features.

“Yeah, but-,” he trailed off for a moment, “if things had been the same would you have stayed?” He tried again, a hopeful look in his eyes.

“I think we could’ve worked through it, yeah,” your heart trembled at the sweet smile he gave you, “we would’ve figured it out.”

“Like now. We’re figuring it out.” Travis added, a hopeful look still in his eyes. You bit down on your bottom lip, nodding in agreement. Yeah. You guys were working it out.

You followed Travis down the hallway as he rambled about being unsure of how to decorate, how he had partially listened to Naomi’s instructions before he decided to just do it on his own.

Charlotte was out against your shoulder, not stirring one bit as she clung to you. You knew that she’d be excited when she woke up and had her own chance to explore the new home. 

He’d need baby locks for sure. 

“I’ve been working on this room for Charlotte, just in case,” he glanced over his shoulder as he looked at you, “a lot of this is Sarah’s old stuff, but I thought it would work. I put it together and fixed up a few things.” He replied proudly, rubbing his hand across the crib.

“It’s very cute,” the room was very unfinished, but it was a start, “that’s very sweet that you did that.” You wondered if he had jumped the gun when he found out, if he had assumed that she could come over whenever she wanted.

“She can lay down here,” he smiled as he reached for her, “it’s safe, I promise, like I swear it. I won’t let anything happen to her.” You knew that, he didn’t have to confirm it. 

Charlotte looked comfortable as she stretched out, then rolled over so she was lying on her tummy. That was probably her favorite way to sleep. 

He smiled brightly as he rubbed at her back, his hand large compared to her. You bit your lip when he pulled away, a twinkle in his eyes.

“Can I give you a tour of the rest of the place then?” Travis suggested as he held his hands out, giving you a hopeful look. You shrugged your shoulders.

“I’ve got nothing else to do.” You teased, nearly falling to your knees as he took your hand in his. He engulfed you entirely as you burned, electricity spilling up the length of your arm. Everything about this felt so natural, yet so new.

You were giggly as he showed you around enthusiastically, rambling about the smallest things as you nodded your head in agreement. For some reason you felt like a teenager again as you continuously bumped into him and against walls, the same way you had when you’d snuck into his house for the first time. 

“This is where all the magic happens,” he snorted as he gestured towards the kitchen, “I’m still a shit cook, but I’m getting better.” A binder flopped across the table as you raised your eyebrow, looking down at the book filled with menus. Full of items that very much related to Travis too. 

“Hello Fresh?” You gawked at him, unable to hide your smile as you shook your head. All of these were already prepared too. It looked like he just had to pop it in the oven for the most part. 

“Don’t knock it ‘til you try it,” he teased as he flicked a menu at you, “and uh, I got a military discount somehow. Which I don’t know if that’s very legal but uh, that stays between you and I.” He made a little face, leaving you to laugh a second later.

“Still living on the edge, what a shame.” A smile formed on your lips at the way he scoffed. 

“You always liked bad boys.” He wagged his finger at you, similar to how Charlotte did. He was picking up on her mannerisms. 

“I did not.” A protest left your lips as you sat up from the counter, brows furrowed together tightly. That was not your type at all. 

“Uh, did so.” He pressed his lips together as he made a little sound, shaking his head. 

“You were not a bad boy.” In your opinion, he was anything but that. A little ornery? Sure. Absolutely. But he wasn’t bad. 

“I was pretty bad,” he scoffed as he rubbed at his chest, “I mean bad enough. You liked it.” You pressed your lips together, unable to hide the way you were smiling.

“You got me there,” you admitted as he laughed, “but you told me you were a much better kisser than Jack and I just had to be sure you weren’t lying to me.” The tone was flirtatious, you could feel it fizzling between the two of you as he leaned forward, his arms resting on the counter. 

“And I proved you right, didn’t I?” Travis continued with a boyish grin on his lips, “I knew I had to have you from the second that I saw you. Like, I meant what I said. You are my dream girl. I stalked your Facebook.”

“I know, you liked all of my posts,” you teased, enjoying the way his face warmed. You had brought that up a few times, but it was sweet. You really had thought you’d end up together forever when you were in high school. Two broken pieces that were so desperately looking for something to fix them, “I always thought of you as my knight in shining armor too, don’t worry.”

“Not much of a fuckin’ knight. Maybe a shitty one. World's shittiest knight, kinda has a ring to it, man.” He presented as he dramatically raised his hands, making you laugh. 

“Mhm, I don’t know,” you pressed your lips together, “you punched that Andrew guy that time that he touched my ass at the party. Oh, and when we had that pregnancy scare in high school and we told my mom. You stood up to me when she called me a useless whore, I’ve always appreciated that.” 

“She was a bitch,” he shook his head, “I mean, my mom too. But I never liked the way your mom spoke to you.”

“And I never liked how yours spoke to you either,” you told him with a nod of your head, “we’re going to do so much better with Charlotte.” You promised, enjoying the smile that spread on his lips. 

“Can I get you something to drink? I got some soda,” he rubbed the back of his neck, “and tea. I’m a tea drinker now, can you believe that?” You admired his smile, how light it was.

“Just a water please,” you answered softly as he gathered it up, “you’re great with Sarah by the way. She really adores you.” He stiffened for a moment as he nodded his head, glancing towards you.

“I sorta don’t know what to do about her calling me dad,” he admitted as he passed you your glass of ice water, “she’s a great girl, and i wish I was her dad. I mean shit, things would be a lot easier. But I’m not, and I don’t think Naomi was very happy that she said that.”

“It’s complicated,” the thoughtful response rolled off of your tongue, “I’m sure she knows that too. It’ll all work out.” You nodded, hating how selfish you wanted to be right now. 

Travis lingered near you for a moment, nodding his head as he looked down at the counter in contemplation as he tapped his fingers there. Your heart stuttered at the way he tilted his head up towards yours, hazel eyes looking at you with a mixture of bliss and awe. 

Your breath stuttered as he reached for you, his strong thumb dragging across your cheek gently. No words left his lips as he continued his emotions, the energy between the two of you growing in a passionate way. 

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered softly, like he was sharing a secret with you. The same way he’d do when it was just you two tangled underneath sheets and blankets, “you know, I can’t believe I got so lucky at one point. You’re fuckin’ gorgeous.” He continued to compliment you, making your stomach twist into different knots as your heart beat uncontrollably against the side of your neck. 

His hands were hot against your face, cupping your jawline as his eyes darted from yours eyes and down to your mouth. His breath was warm against your face, fanning over you as a little sigh left his lips. And then you were leaning forward, just as desperate as he was. 

A sharp inhale left you as his lips just barely touched you. Just the slight graze against yours. Your gasp must’ve spurred him on as he leaned into you, nose dragging against yours as he began to kiss you slowly, deeply. 

Electricity spread within you at the passionate way he kissed you, how he held you in place as he dragged his smooth lips against your own. He always kissed at your top lip, leaving you to kiss and suck at his bottom one. He tasted sweet, just like icing and everything you’d been missing. 

Travis moved his hands to the back of your neck as your kiss became more heated, little breaths falling from his lips as he kissed you even deeper. Your fingers fell to the back of his head, earning a little moan from him when you knitted your fingers through his bleached strands. 

“You like that?” he huffed against your lips, nose brushing against yours as a little moan tumbled free from you. He gave you no time to respond before he was kissing at your lips, “missed this so much, honey. Missed you so fuckin’ much.” He told you eagerly, licking at the curve of your lips. 

Another croon fell from you as you flicked your tongue out against his, heart hammering as you pressed your thighs together tightly to soothe the ache. His hands were everywhere, white hot as they burned into your skin. Across your arms, then your curves and your hips, your thighs and your ass. 

You’d never felt so in fire before. Your eyes fluttered shut as you continued to twist at his hair, tilting your head in bliss as he began to attack the sensitive part of your neck. It was right underneath your ear, a spot that he used to teasingly grab and rub when he wanted to get you all needy for him. 

And now he was licking at it, kissing and nipping at the spot that made your knees weak and your body erupt. You were pressing yourself up against him now, earning little wrecked groans from him as his hands began to slide up your dress. Slowly, almost to the band of your panties and then-,

“Travis!” Heavy knocking made you snap your head away, feeling as if you’d been splashed with a bucket of ice cold water. He froze against you, still gripping onto you with his fingers wrapped around your panties.

Oh God. What had you done?

“Hey, I was wondering if we could talk about earlier? I’m really sorry that I snapped, I know it wasn’t your fault. Just can you open the door?” Noami’s voice rang out from the other side as you felt sick, quickly beginning to untangle yourself from him. 

“Oh uh, yeah! Yeah. Just give me a minute and shit. I’ll be right there,” Travis told her quickly, lips swollen and hair messy. He looked wrecked. Shit, “s’okay. I’ll be just a second.”

“I should go.” You told him quickly, heart aching. Naomi would know. She’d know. 

“Charlotte is asleep, what are you talking about?” he shook his head softly, “just give me a minute, it’s gonna be fine. Stay right there.” He promised as he gave your chin a little squeeze, making you feel even worse as he walked away.

You’d kissed him. You’d almost done much worse than that too had Naomi not interrupted. What was wrong with you? Never before had you been a homewrecker, and you didn’t want to start that now. 

Everything came crashing over you as you held your face in your hands, not understanding why he was so calm and cool. He spoke to Naomi at the doorway with ease, acting like he was fine. Oh God. Was he enjoying this? Did he want to have both of you? 

You couldn’t handle that. You were so stupid, so fucking stupid.