#okirk

“go to space with me?”

the beds in starfleet academy’s dorms are in no way made to fit two grown men. jim’s quite the problem solver, though; he’s pulled leonard practically on top of him, with one arm looped loosely around leonard’s waist and his other hand busy mussing up leonard’s hair. leonard can’t remember the last time he was this relaxed.

“bones,” jim says, amused, “bones, did you hear me? did you already fall asleep?” he pokes the end of leonard’s nose. “c’mon, old man, i asked you a question.”

“mmph,” leonard says.

“booooones!”

leonard sighs, lifts his head. “if i say yes, will you shut up?”

“of course not. who do you think i am?”

“a pain in my ass,” leonard says, and kisses the smirk of jim kirk’s face.

-

(it becomes a common question. jim asks it over breakfast, while walking to class, half asleep, after too much to drink. most of the time, leonard is sure it’s just to annoy him, if the crooked grin on jim’s face is anything to go by. but every so often jim’s voice turns soft and optimistic, and leonard has to fight the tightness in his throat to come up with an excuse to change the subject. 

outer space sits like a demon on his back, gnawing at his bones, clawing at his dreams. he fights panic attacks every other shuttle piloting lesson and still throws up until his throat is raw each time he flies home to see his mother. the fear isn’t gonna release him anytime soon, but leonard’s starting to think he’d do it all anyway, go up into the black, if only to maintain the hope in jim’s eyes.)

-

“go to space with me?”

“we were just in space together, jim.”

“yeah, but that wasn’t exactly by choice.”

they’re sitting side by side on the floor of their room. leonard’s gaze hooks onto jim’s. the seconds crawl by. 

“jesus, jim,” he finally sighs. “all those people-- they were gone in seconds. we all could’ve been dead.” he looks down at his hands, clasped together so they wouldn’t shake. “you could’ve been dead. i didn’t know if i’d see you again after that shit you pulled with spock.”

jim’s still got bruises on his neck in the shape of spock’s hands. leonard feels a little nauseous at the sight of them. 

“if i hadn’t--” jim starts. swallows. “if you hadn’t come back for me, we would never’ve seen each other again.” 

leonard can’t bring himself to respond. he knows its the truth, but hearing it out loud makes him feel like he’s been shoved into a frozen lake. 

“go to space with me, bones,” jim repeats. “i don’t-- i don’t wanna do this without you. i can’t.”

you could. 

jim’s eyes are bright and blue, even in the dim lighting. like stars. leonard finds jim’s hand with his own and laces their fingers. he lifts their clasped hands and kisses jim’s knuckles. 

“i’ll be there,” he says. jim’s face splits into a crinkle-eyed grin and leonard thinks he’d follow him anywhere.

-

(leonard mccoy follows jim kirk into space, and space snatches jim kirk away in the form of a man called khan. 

space underestimated who it was dealing with. 

above all, i must not play at god.

leonard doesn’t stop moving until he can feel jim’s heartbeat under his palm. he stands with his hand on jim’s chest for what feels like lifetimes; when he’s convinced that his captain’s heart is not going to stop pumping again any time soon, leonard drags a chair to the bedside and collapses into it. breathes in, breathes out.

go to space with me?

leonard mccoy cries until there’s nothing left.)

-

it takes years, but leonard gets used to it. being in space. he gets used to the anxiety that crawls under his skin, gets used to the away missions and the politics and the exploring, gets (sort of) used to jim in the medbay, bruised and bloodied but - ususally, thankfully-- still smiling. 

it takes years, but one day leonard finds himself eating dinner surrounded by other crew members, joking and teasing and swapping wild stories from the academy. he’s grinning without thinking about it. his sides hurt from laughing.

it takes years, but eventually leonard mccoy falls in love with the enterprise. 

and then:

“bones. i don’t know if i can do this anymore.”

jim is tired and lost in a way that leonard has never seen. he feels like a hole has been punched through his chest, but he just pulls jim close and says, “we’ll figure it out, darlin.”

jim kisses him, slow and soft. they fall asleep to the hum of their ship/

-

(jim is gonna leave and now spock is, too. the enterprise the the best home leonard has ever known and he loves the crew like they’re his family but he can’t do this without the two of them by his side. he can’t.)

-

“go to space with me?”

jim meets with the commodore in less than an hour. leonard finds him sitting cross-legged on a bench, staring absently at his PADD. he startles at the sound of leonard’s voice.

“what?”

leonard sits down beside him. “i asked,” he says, “if you’d go to space with me.”

jim’s eyes widen a bit, and leonard watches him bite his lip against the surprised grin thats fighting to appear.

“only if you want, of course,” leonard adds. he’s smiling, too. he can’t help it.