my deathrow meal (a speech for english class)
hello blawg. i wrote my speech for english in an hour, the day before it was due, and i want to share it because i think it fits whatever theme i have going on at the moment. for brief context (you will find out why in my speech): i had a slide presentation that went with this. visual aid of the glorious menu i constructed. okay happy reading!
My Death Row Meal
This speech was originally supposed to be divulging a much more serious topic (such as the generational decline in media literacy), but I wasn’t able to keep it under the five minute time crunch. In a wild mental race with myself, trying to come up with another equally interesting subject, I decided: why not just do something more lighthearted, something with more appeal? So, I present to you the topic of my speech: “What would Sadie like to eat for her death row meal?”
Now, how this situation became a possibility is unfathomable to me, however I don’t want to be wasting my precious presentation time coming up with ways that I could have gotten into such deep legal trouble.
Just a quick disclaimer!!! For the gargantuan amount of food that I’m about to list off, I need to clarify that I’m technically bending the rules here. This will not be one meal, but rather me listing off the whole day’s worth of food. Breakfast, a snack, lunch, a second snack, dinner, and dessert.
Time for breakfast! I will request a savoury breakfast bagel sandwich, which I will construct myself. First, an everything bagel – New York style – with cream cheese, Red Hot hot sauce, and horseradish mustard. (Side note: I couldn’t find an appetizing picture of horseradish mustard but just pretend that it’s on there). Second will be the produce. This includes sliced heirloom tomatoes, arugula, some pickled red onions, some cucumbers for the crunch, and avocados. Third and final will be the protein: maple bacon and an egg, we’re keeping it simple! Normally, I would request a fried egg for the runny yolk, but this sandwich is pretty stuffed so I think I’ll just go with cheesy scrambled eggs as a way of preventing a big mess. (You know how it always ends up with a big sandwich, everything just starts to slop out onto your plate! A runny yolk, in addition to that, sounds like a bit of a nightmare). This concoction will be paired with a foamy cappuccino. 2% milk.
Anyways. For my first snack I want a large, iced, ceremonial grade, glorious matcha, with coconut milk (trust), topped with the Starbucks vanilla cold foam. This will be guzzled down my throat in maximum twenty minutes, but as a way of prolonging the life of my drink, this will come with a bowl of sliced, perfectly ripe peaches. To be healthy!
Lunchtime roles around. What do I want? Hmmm… I actually want a Subway sandwich, but since I’ve already had a sandwich for breakfast… We’re going to order some Chipotle. A burrito bowl! A scoop of white rice, and some chicken, then some black beans, and then guacamole, and sour cream, and cheese, then some lettuce, some fresh tomato salsa, and some tomatillo-green chili salsa… and then with that, a side of chips. I’m anticipating this to taste like I licked my grandma’s salt lamp, so to drink I will have a crisp Arizona iced green tea, straight from the can.
For my second snack – my sneaky, not-so-little snack – I’m going to eat a whole bag of Goldfish crackers, and, to balance it out, a mean glass of iced water.
Dinner. This is going to be a bit wild, since none of these foods would normally be put together. For an appetizer, crispy truffle fries with a garlic dip. Next, I’m going to have a greek salad with NO OLIVES! (Are you kidding me? Don’t joke with me). Now, for the real feast, a hefty, hot bowl of spicy beef ramen. I’ve made the decision to not include a drink in this meal, due to its rather large portion, though after the ramen I definitely regret not having something to ease the deepest pits of hell that are escaping out of my tongue and cascading down my throat with every swallow. I just know that if I consume one more thing, even just a pathetic drop of my spit, I think I will actually explode and throw up everywhere… So…
Finally, for my desert, I want some gooey tiramisu. But not your regular tiramisu, no, no, no! This needs to have been made by Donatella Versace’s nonna. (...She was the only Italian person that I could think of).
After the whole day of eating like royalty, I go to bed in my sad prison cell with a smile, despite my ultimate fate the next day: the electric chair. Thank you for listening to Sadie’s death row meal!
