#oh shit!!!!

Chapter 14

~Alyssa~

The next day, I drove Ash down to the base. I think his parents knew that I needed this time with him more than they did. We cranked the radio loud, both of us refusing to acknowledge the knots tightening in our stomachs, as we sang along at the top of our lungs.

When we arrived at the base, I hugged him tight. As I clung to him, I committed to memory as much of him as I could: the plain black t-shirt, the blue jeans with a hole in the left knee, sandy blonde hair that fell into his hazel eyes with those flecks of green and gold, that smile with those perfect teeth that used to be just a smidge offset, the scratchy stubble of him having gone too long without shaving that was rough against my cheek as I buried my head in his neck. Ashton Fletcher Irwin; my best friend, and absolute love of my life; my hardest goodbye, and favorite hello; the boy who thought he was nothing, and the man who was more than everything to me. I let go and stepped back, my cheeks wet with tears.

“Aw, Aly,” he giggled as he wiped his thumb across my cheek. “It’s fine. I’ll be home before you know it.”

“I’m still gonna miss you like crazy,” I told him, my voice breaking.

“I know. I’m gonna miss you, too. But, it’s temporary. You know you’ll always have me,” he said the words I had first told him back in fifth grade. Our words.

“I like having you across the street, not across the world, Ash.”

“I promise, you won’t even notice I’m gone. You have college, Calum, Lu, and Si. It’ll feel like you just blinked.”

You think too low of yourself if you’ll think I’ll just forget you’re gone, I thought to myself. “Just come back to me in one piece, alright?”

“Deal,” he promised.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, never wanting to let him go. His arms wrapped around the small of my back, holding me tight against him. Much like our hug only moments before, I committed him to memory: his shirt that smelled of Tide and his cologne, his hair that was soft as I ran my fingers through it at the base of his neck, his arms that were strong as he held me to his chest which was equally strong but somehow still soft. I thought about how much I was in love with him, how I was missing my chance to tell him now once and for all, and how I wanted him to hold me just like this forever. “Ashton, I…” I started to say, as I pulled back just enough to look up at him, deciding it was now or never.

“I know, Alyssa,” he said, pressing his lips to my forehead. “I’ve always known.” And with that, he let me go, slung his bag over his shoulder, and walked off towards his future.

I didn’t register that we had both used our full first names until I got on the highway as I replayed the conversation. What had he always known? That I love him? That he felt the same way? God, why did he leave everything hanging in the balance like that?

I fumbled with the radio, choking back the tears as I replayed every memory of us: the smiles with missing teeth, the ice cream running down our chins, us chasing each other through the streets and our houses, all those late night phone calls and unsaid feelings, all those not-so-secret handshakes. Fuck. We didn’t do our handshake. I gripped the steering wheel tighter as I pulled onto my street. How could we have forgotten the handshake?!

The tears started falling and I finally took note of the song coming in through the stereo. I smiled and let the tears fall as our song came on. I parked outside my house and sobbed-sang the song, missing him more than I had missed anyone in my entire life. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be able to stop crying, let alone ever feel okay again.

I sat there crying in my hands, wanting to get it all out before I went inside. Every time I thought I was done, I’d glance over at his bedroom window and start all over again.

A knock on my window startled me out of my downward spiral. For half a second my heart leapt in my chest thinking it was him, that he had changed his mind and took a cab home after me; that we would finish that conversation that had seemed all-knowing and so final.

I looked up to see Calum standing there instead. He frowned when he got a look at my face. “C’mon baby, open up,” he coaxed.

I stepped out of my car and into his arms. I started sobbing harder as I realized that everything I used to love about Calum, I suddenly hated. His tanned skin was suddenly too tan. His dark eyes and even darker curls lacked the blonde streaks and flecks of green and gold I desperately wanted to see. He was the boy I loved, but I wanted the boy I was in love with. 

“Shh,” he soothed, as he led me to sit down on the curb with him. “Aw, baby. It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not… Cal, I…” I whispered, gathering my strength for another difficult goodbye.

“You’re in love with him.” His face fell. “God damn it… I fucking knew it…”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“So, I was just… a distraction? A way to make him jealous and kill some time? Fuck! I actually liked you, y’know? Loved you, even.” His disbelief and hurt turned into anger and blame with each word.

“Cal…” I begged, sobbing again for a different reason. “Please… I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

He sighed deeply, anger fading back into hurt. “Just tell me this wasn’t a joke to you. Even if it’s a lie, just say I meant something to you. Please…”

“Cal… I swear everything I’ve put in this relationship has been nothing but genuine. I love you. I do.”

He sighed again. “I love you, too. But, I can’t be someone’s backup. I’m sorry.”

“Oh, Cal. You weren’t a backup.”

“But, between me and him, you’ll choose him, won’t you?”

I choked on a sob as I nodded. “God, I’m so sorry.”

He kissed me lightly on the top of my head. “I’m sorry too, baby. But, we can’t do this anymore. God damn, he better know how lucky he is. If he doesn’t, I swear I’ll kick his ass.”

I laughed in spite of the world crumbling around me. “Cal?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you. For… well, everything I guess. I have no regrets about our relationship and a part of me will always love you and what we had.”

“Me too, Lys. Me too.”