John: "I thought that you would realize..."
So, "I'll Be Back" came into my head, especially these lyrics: I thought that you would realise That if I ran away from you That you would want me, too But I got a big surprise Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh, oh
And it got me thinking, how many times did John run that play, before Paul decided he'd been tested enough? Because it sounds like John's saying, "I pulled away so you would come after me...." It's a way. I guess, to make their lover demonstrate how much they need one, or a manipulative way to make someone "prove" their love. "I'll ignore you, I'll put you at a distance, I'll pretend I'm not interested, I'll pretend I want someone else, and you will chase me and do the work of winning me back and we will be so, so happy! Until the next time I play this game..." John wrote the song in 1964. What if the whole time he'd been with Paul, he'd been running this little test of his affections -- "running away" to Stu, "running away" to Brian, "running away" to the suburbs, "running away" to the acid and heavy drug use. And what if Paul took it for years, either patiently, unconditionally, waiting for John to come back or doing whatever it took to "want me too" (fighting with Stu, going out to pick John up from Weybridge...) because he loved John and knew that John was insecure about people staying, not abandoning him. He was sensitive to the hurt child, and he loved to make kids feel safe. And what if John, seeing his own musical output dwindling, mostly because of drugs and depression, while Paul was writing one giant hit after another, and bossing around the group that JOHN formed, Lennon once more felt insecure; he watched Paul's musicianship grow and his production capabilities grow and thought (quite wrongly), "he doesn't need me anymore; I'm less important to him than I was..." "I know... I'll test it. I'll "run away" again! I'll take heroin and say Yoko is the most creative artist I've ever seen and my new muse and partner! And he'll come after me again, and I'll know he loves me!" And what if Paul finally ran out of patience with the test, ran out of patience with the "chase me to prove you love me" game. Because it almost seems like when John "ran away" to Yoko, Paul finally said, "no, that's enough. I'm not chasing you. If you're telling me she's more important to you than me, well, you can have it, then. Here is my line. I've been your partner for all these years, and now she's "your partner"? Go on, then..." What if Paul thought, "this time, you chase me, son...you show me you love me, for a change, and grow up a little." And John, all up in his own head, just never received the message? How tragic is that?
I almost feel like "Jealous Guy" is the apology for that -- John finally getting it through his head that Paul never meant to work without him, never wanted to work without him, never stopped loving him, but was tired of the test, of being tested and tested, pushed and pushed, again and again. That maybe Paul had dared him to see it, and then lost the dare? John finally saw it, but WAY too late, singing to Paul in 1971:
I was feeling insecure
You might not love me anymore
I was shivering inside I was shivering inside
I didn't mean to hurt you I'm sorry that I made you cry Oh no, I didn't want to hurt you I'm just a jealous guy
I was trying to catch your eyes Thought that you was trying to hide...
They were so competitive musically and in every other way. Paul was making friends beyond the Beatles; he was exploring new music; he was learning about art and becoming a serious collector. He was living the sort of urban, intellectually-stimulating life that John had always thought would be his, and John was in suburbia with, "a wife you like but don't love, and a kid you love but don't like..." Paul was also making gay friends -- if John wore Brian like a badge as his special gay friend, Paul had "Groovy Bob" for a special gay friend. And John was a jealous guy, "feeling insecure/shivering inside." He was "trying to catch [Paul's] eyes" and "thought [Paul] was trying to hide" because that's what Paul would do, and no one knew that better than John. And maybe Paul had begun to try to hide from John -- didn't want to show his own pain. And so he went full-bore with Yoko and shattered Paul's heart, and then went all the way into a public murder of his partner's music/talent/capabilities -- music/talent/capabilities that John recognized the first time they'd met and always admired. The guy he had called "extraordinary," who was daring to make music without him. With a new partner...his own wife! Which John seemed to mind, even though he did the same.
And eventually, John wrote that he really did understand what he'd done (how he'd set Paul up to be disparaged and hated by the press, how he'd created a narrative that he couldn't completely walk back, how he'd not been able to see anything clearly because of drugs and his own mental illness and depression and the confusions of fame and their own Northern Men relationship), singing in 1973 (too late, so, too too late):
I am only learning To tell the trees from wood
I know what's coming down And I know where it's coming from And I know and I'm sorry, yes I am But I never could speak my mind
And I know just how you feel And I know now what I have done And I know, and I'm guilty, yes I am But I never could read your mind
I know what I was missing But now my eyes can see I put myself in your place As you did for me
Today, I love you more than yesterday Right now, I love you more right now
I know what's coming down I can feel where it's coming from And I know it's getting better all the time As we share in each other's mind
Today, I love you more than yesterday Right now, I love you more right now
Ooh, no more crying Ooh, no more crying Ooh, no more crying Ooh, no more crying Simply tragic stuff. "I never could speak my mind/I never could read your mind/I know what I was missing because I put myself in your place..." Fuck, this is heartbreaking stuff. And if you take these three songs into consideration, together, it almost seems like all of that heartbreak -- this weight of loss that Paul has been carrying since 1969 -- all started because John couldn't believe Paul loved him, couldn't trust in Paul's love, because his childhood had made it almost impossible for him to believe in it without testing, testing, testing to see if it was true. Maybe his "long weekend" was him trying to get Yoko (or Paul) to chase after him, too. What a tragic figure and a tragic, tragic story.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. These poor, troubled men. After John reclaimed some of his mind and spirit post-piloting a boat through the squall, he sang to (by all indications) Paul: Why don't we take off alone? Take a trip somewhere far, far awayWe'll be together, all alone again Like we used to in the early days... But if John had thought to rekindle something with Paul, if he had (as is said) decided to divorce Yoko, he may still have not been happy. Paul had a slew of kids and a happy marriage by then. He would not have been the same Paul of yore, he had new responsibilities and was probably very unlikely to leave Linda (who'd saved him when he wanted to die) and the kids, who he adored. Could John, newly revitalized, have lived with something incidental? Or would he have eventually become cranky and bitter and go public with it, again? Sadly, we will never know. It's nice to fantasize about. But it's a double fantasy, for sure...
A Double Fantasy is a flower. And Paul always did love flowers.
Sad, sad, sad...
Reminds me of Just Another Day, which Paul could have written about tragic John in his Dakota Hermit days) Sometimes he feels so sad. Alone in his apartment he'd dwell
Til the man of his dreams comes to break the spell...
Just so sad. I wish I could go back in time and crash these two idiots' heads together and just make them freaking TALK to each other about their feelings, especially about all their sense of loss and loneliness. Just talk, without all the angst.
Because we really, really love to see them happy.
