#ofmd222

**will add picture later**

something about the post-kiss thumbsies games rings wrong with me. not that it happened. not that is was included in the narrative (it's a great way of showing relief, actually.)

but what stede says at the end, when ed end up on top.

'you won.' and ed turns away, and his face turn quiet, serious. he huffs.

i didn't understand it right away - but I get the feeling, ed sighing harmonizes with me for some reason, and I have some ideas.

one, there's obviously a history of assuming their relationship is a game to the other. they realized and said out loud 'we are him prone'. the relationship being a game is not connoted positively BUT what would any (romantic) relationship be without games. being chums, fooling around. games make room for error, within games there is space to draw (and voice) boundaries. and they were performing playful, emotive exchange right before stepping into each others spaces, kissing, holding hands. so is it setting the game / any game and with that taking a chance on something good happening, but also taking a chance on getting hurt, in a physically intimate setting that makes Ed seem...uncomfortable?

two, 'you won' rings kind of absolute. alternatives may be: you win, you're winning this time. you got me. why does stede choose these words? well Ed obviously 'won' this exchange of thumbsies. but what makes the competition? they're on the same team, they're 'us'. or stede could mean: you're doing well, you're coming out on top of this, and the game is a signifier of this, if stede wants to make it that.

And Ed disagrees. his sea has not calmed (yet). he knows himself, he knows he's constantly shifting, and that he can be triggered. for ed, sorting out their relationship isn't over, and i don't think it is for stede either from what is shon. But we don't see stede worrying over his mental health, while we do experience ed going through enormous mental shifting with outright cruelty and suicidal behaviour on one end of the spectrum and shyly turning in to be kissed under the moonlight on the other end. and last time things went bad, stede was the trigger. but as we leave ep5, ed is taking care of himself, rebuilding trust, not apologizing but doing amends. so he probably has a thought or two about what is going to destabilize him, my first guess being izzy as ed cruelty to him is always mentioned in an impersonalized manner (izzy's name doesn't actually fall when discussing HIS LEG). i think, on some level, ed is aware of the cruelty he is capable to bestow upon others. probably not the most recent ones (see: izzy), but he is aware he can become dangerous to others and himself. and who would Ed hate to hurt? stede, of course. ed has 'won' nothing but a temporary refuge on the ship and an odd tranquility that gives him a chance to process i hope. he's still at war wwith himself inside his head, but how would anyone understand if he doesn't even understand how to navigate it

three, ed can't hold silence for shit. and stede can't really either. stede reaches for ed's hand, asking him calmly if this ok. ed answers 'perfect', and takes stede's hand in both of his. they play with their fingers, ed 'wins' and stede states the obvious. and it...has no end? their quip is going on and on and ed...maybe doesn't want to. he sat in silence (haha) with fang earlier (my man fell asleep on him) and maybe ed like that? but - as stated explicitly by fang - he's not good at that. he cannot emulate a sense of calmness/silence well on himself GUESS wHAT my babygirl is shit at emotionally self-regulation!!! and stede can't perform the calmness either, not yet. Meaning if either of them really shuts up, it means something may be wrong, or at least awkward ('please talk to me'). and fucking ed teach doesn't need awkwardness right now SO THE QUIPPING GOES ON and it's nice, it's romantic even, it feels easy. and while it might not be what he needs, ed at least identified what he needs from stede i guess???