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Running a Kingdom can be stressful
Two years deep into a Kingmaker campaign
Wizard: "What's the name of our country?"
Fighter: (chokes on his drink, laughing)
DM: "Brother. We've been playing this game for two years, the fuck do you mean you don't know the name of the country?!?" (laughing)
Me (laughing): "I always get it confused between [capital name] and [nation name]!"
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I CAN FINALLY READ !!!
- Me, the DM, about getting to start the first session of a module
Running COS for some newer players
"You were the one who wanted to go after Lady Gaga!"
(They were talking about Baba Lysaga.)
"Do not go into the light. That's, like, ALL nursery rhymes."
[Context: some of Strahd’s night horde attacked during the night and destroyed the room we were staying in. Because Cleric fucked up monumentally, he was tasked with breaking the news to the innkeeper.]
Cleric (who is notoriously broke): “I need breakfast. How much do you think four coppers and eight silver is going to buy me before running away from Danika?”
Blood Hunter: “Just tell her we were burglarised. It’s not even that far from the truth.”
Paladin: “With all the blood, the dead bats and the shattered windows?”
Blood Hunter: “A man can defend himself, no?”
[Context: We’re playing the Descent Into Avernus module and the group is fighting the group of bearded devils that you encounter upon getting to Elturel. The rogue has just made a successful attack on one of them.]
DM: So question - are your arrows silvered?
Rogue:
Rogue, who very much does not have silvered arrows: Yes?
DM: Roll deception against the DM.
[As the party gets a good chuckle from it, the rogue proceeds to roll a nat 20. Cue chrous of “oh my god!”, including from the DM.]
DM: You know what? With a nat 20, I will allow you to say your arrows are silvered! You deceive the DM into believing you very much got silvered arrows!
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Our Bard, Murphy, has recently decided to start a cult in Barovia. He’s convinced a guard to go on a date with him in order to let the party into the city of Vallaki.
At the date, over a single lit candle and a dying flower:
Guard (npc): You have beautiful eyes, sweet traveler, we don’t get many outsiders here- where are you from?
Bard: Yes, Yes, but now that I have your full and undivided attention…
[The Bard pulls out a homemade pamphlet]
Bard: Have you heard of our lord and savior Murphy?
"The weather here looks gloomier than a kraken's arsehole!"
-- the Half-Elf Blood Hunter trying to make small-talk with the High-Elf Paladin and the Shadar-kai Cleric who both also have just been whisked to the outskirts of Barovia.
Context: Curse of Strahd campaign, the night before the siege on Castle Ravenloft all of us decided to grab dinner together and ended up talking strategy.
DM: I can duck out if you guys want your plans to stay secret
Druid (me): Nah, as long as you promise to not use these against us it’s fine
~~
Warlock: I’ve got two big things I can do and then I wouldn’t mind being polymorphed into something
Druid (me): I’m planning on using a lot of summoning spells, action economy is king
Warlock: The biggest thing going for us is that Strahd will in theory be fighting us alone so we already have the edge in action economy
Paladin: Don’t forget, Strahd does have the harem
DM: Oh, I forgot about those guys. Thanks for the reminder!
All of us: Fuck!
(We handily won the fight, largely because Warlock got a critical hit on Strahd and did over 100 points of damage in one attack)
