#of judgment

So I peeked.  And lo and behold, I found something about me.  A list, even, about things you’re free to do now that you’re not under my thumb and I just have to defend myself.  Yes, this is a very passive way to do that but I want to avoid direct confrontation and if I talk to you, I’m going to having a panic attack and undo all the work I’ve done in these past few months.  I have to defend myself and get this out because you’re feeling bad and you’re (again) trying to blame me for it and that’s bullshit.  I gave you everything and broke it all down for you about five times in those two months after you broke my heart and lied to my face and told me you didn’t love me.

None of that shit matters or mattered.  I couldn’t care less if you didn’t want to get a tattoo or a piercing.  I don’t care how old you are, how big your boobs are or how many people you’ve fucked.  I actually like that you haven’t/hadn’t fucked anyone else.  A lot.  I don’t care if you don’t want to fuck in public, I don’t care if you’re not on the pill.  Yeah, I prefer if you are, but if you really don’t want to, SAY so and show me that you don’t want to.  Communicate. Your wardrobe is/was perfect.  That never bothered me at all.

I loved you for who you were as a person.  And believe it or not, I was more honest with you than I’ve been with anyone else and more than I may ever be again.  That’s why you got your feelings hurt when I said something negative about how you sang.  Or your hair.  Or whatever.  Because I’d rather hurt your feelings with the truth than ever lie to you.  I told you I found other people attractive, sexually.  Do I regret that?  Only because it hurt you.  But it was the truth.  And you lied and said you didn’t.  I don’t regret telling you that because when I love someone I want them to know every part of me.  Every dark crevice, every skeleton in my closet.  So I told you all of them.  I told you every dark part of me and every uneasy truth I could. 

YOU bottled things up.  YOU kept things from me.  YOU lied.  YOU cheated romantically.  Not me.  You can’t just blame me whenever you feel bad because it’s easy.  I’m done taking the blame.  I’d give you anything and everything and I fought for you.  I reassured you until I was at my wit’s end.  I am no longer at fault.  I offered to work on your insecurities.  I offered to work on EVERYTHING.  In fact, I started working on all of the problems on my end.  And as soon as I did, I wasn’t good enough because I just didn’t have a vagina.  But you’re turning asexual now too and sex was a “hassle” for you.  It sure wasn’t a hassle when you were trying to hop onto my lap and I wasn’t in the mood. 

Quad denizen #1: Are you going tonight?

Quad denizen #2: Yeah!

Quad denizen #1: Are you wearing that?

Quad denizen #2: Yeah!