#ochie rambles

he had plans, he’d asked my sister for her opinion on jewellery (we already have rings picked out for our formal engagement ceremony but they’re with his parents), he’d thought up a speech and everything. in a way it feels right that it ended up being different because you’re always reminding me that things don’t always go according to plan and that’s perfectly okay. 

the last week hasn't been good. if i'm looking for reasons to understand why i just constantly felt defeated this last week, i think i'd never get anything else done. first you think, oh it's just one of those days when you can't find the pants you want (but that seems funny later in the day because you know you have too many fucking pairs of pants all either black or dark blue of course you can't find what you want at 7am with the lights off in your room so that your sis can still sleep), you end up thinking 'oh maybe nice iced coffee from starbucks will put you in a nicer mood' and then the barista ignores your order and goes ahead making drinks for people who came after you, so you snap at them going "seriously man?" wondering why your simple easy peasy drink like iced brewed coffee (which is literally coffee from the dispenser with ice thrown in) is taking so damn long and the barista gets kind of pissed at you but you know you're in the right here so you don't apologise. you get to class, your classmates turn to you to be like the beacon of sunshine and entertainment (which somehow you apparently are without trying to because of all the random stories you have, and your penchant for always reliably having a stapler on you) when all you want to do is shut up because you know you'll snap at them without meaning to and they've done nothing wrong at all. you admit that much, and they get it, but it still leaves a bad taste (which is what the coffee is for). class is dumb and you don't speak up as much, which is fine because you're aceing class participation for this class anyway, but when it's your turn to present you find yourself gritting your teeth trying not to snap and wondering why you're in such a mess today. end of the class, professor casually mentions how she's changing our individual report from a piece about our group projects to something completely new, to which my only response was 'are you fucking kidding me' (a message delivered via facebook chat to a classmate, with an added 'jesus fucking christ')  it's been days like this, over and over. and i don't think that's something i can necessarily blame on others, so if it's on me i need to figure this stuff out. i know with almost certainty that my problem isn't so much with me but the environment i'm in (i.e. this toxic college environment) but i can't do anything to get around that.  i hit that point where i actually do not want to be around any other humans somewhere on wednesday, which was not a great time because it's my longest day, followed by work and then a bit of work and college. it means i need to be around a lot of people. being quiet at work means having people ask me what's up (what usually happens is they ask me, and somehow don't let me answer, and are busy so they go off real quick). with all this just building and building i decided i'm going to give up social media for a while and focus on myself for a little bit.

i've deleted all the shortcuts to social media apps on my phone. i'm not going to even look at twitter till i get past this. i decided all active social media is out of bounds but passive ones should be alright. tumblr's the most passive - i only entertain myself on it so that's fine. facebook's unavoidable because of one of my projects, but other than that, nope. facebook messenger is something a lot of people use to ping me so that can stay. whatsapp groups have been muted and i'm only really responding to things that are urgent and important. instagram's a little hit and miss. for now i'm staying off it though all the animal accounts with the sweet animals are kind of a mood boost, so staying passive on that for a while. 

with all this freed up time, i'm catching up on my reading - my fortune magazine and digital subscriptions and actual fiction. things i haven't enjoyed as much in the last couple of weeks. it's not the easiest thing to not resort to twitter for news, or to ping someone something funny (the funniest thing recently was me realising that one of the webpages on the internal servers of my college routes to a page called 'isis.smu.edu.sg' and that, combined with the fact that our extreme sports group calls themselves xtremists, is kind of funny to me) but it's only been two days and i feel a little better. granted, it's been two days of not really having to deal with humans other than my family, but that, combined with getting a decent workout in as well, and staying off active social media has put me in a better mood for the week ahead.