#ocdrabbles

“I..don’t know…”There were many questions in Yujins headand yet it was so blank from all the recharging and sleep they got over the past week. Now, they felt different,a little stronger and yet incredibly weak from not eating or drinking at all. What had they done? For that matter, what had the two of them done a week ago? Being caught, guns drawn at them. Some guys were just really afraid of them and Yujin didn’t get what was going on. Their scheme suddenly turned against them, they got caught and almost killed. Thinking about it again made their head ache a little more.Yujin never thought they would kill a human being..or two or three..yet they remembered the feeling of strangling someone and yet just looking at them squirm and drool. No regrets, they would’ve shot the two right in the head if Yujin hadn’t done it.The student remembered that they had a similar discussion about morals and humanity with Jack before. Was it before christmas? Or even later or earlier. Probably a lot earlier in their relationship.People never really cared about them, people only looked and admired them because of these weird powers that they finally started to control. Either the society around them was amazed and used them or was scared and wanted to kill them. Was that really fair?One day, the two of them would be dead because of these people.“We..did some stuff..and now we need to hide. Yeah..I guess what we did is worse than the things we did before…but..I don’t feel bad.But..I gotta thank you for..getting me out of there…”No idea how they got back to the apartment, Yujin had just blacked out right after their powers came to an end but he had to be the one who did it. Just a few bruises and scratches were left from that time.The situation was pretty nervwrecking. Yujin didn’t know what to do. Move out of their apartment? Could they still go to college and act like nothing happened? Probably not..the cops saw their face, people would know Yujin was at least involved. Could they go to the store and get food? Well Althea thankfully didn’t notice that they suddenly hung out with the guy who robbed her but still…Yujin felt like they were just lost after this incident. Their old life was now truly wrecked.Thank god Cole wasn’t dragged into this mess. He was the kind of guy who would want to jump into this just for them. Though they were just friends now, Yujin knew that he wouldn’t really stop loving them just now…it had been a few years now and he had seen them around with the aussie before…“Uhn…seems like we won’t get out of that easily.”“Shit was never easy before,Yujin. Now they just want us…”“Dead?”“Yup.”“Yeah…Can we even stay here?”“They didn’t show up all week so I think for now we are safe.”Night was already covering the city in a dark veil and only the street lights were flickering outside. Tonight, they just seemed very different from the last time. Dimmer, barely there. Was the city falling into a deep depression after a few people had fallen? Yujin had to do it, they were very convinced about that. But what about next time? If they weren’t fast enough or if Jack couldn’t do anything because he was exhausted as well? One of them could die any second. In their sleep, on the street…during any moment.“Hey…”“Mh?”Once, Yujin awaited to have that moment with someone else. With Cole..they hoped that their love would one day awake just like his and that their words would be just as honest as his were. But that day never came...instead..the day came now..just with a different guy,different circumstances. Their life was almost over and yet they were still here. What a eventful week...different from the boring life they had before. Yujin loved their student life, Studying, cooking for their boyfriend, driving their friend around for a late midnight snack, falling asleep on the couch after trying to watch a movie. These things were nice and Yujin liked them...and then this outstanding man came into their life. Different from all the people they knew and would ever get to know, that’s how the younger one felt. And then they shared a bond that made Yujin walk over all their morals and priorities and they didn’t know why. Was it stupid to do things because of the love you had for someone? Yes..and no. Yujin had never felt this love that Cole was always talking about. This ticklish, bittersweet feeling he sometimes described.Now, they kinda did. Closer, closer, suddenly so far off and close again. It was as if they had to run to reach the answer and their soul mate at once to be satisfied and once they did this annoying zapping happened. Was he afraid?Didn’t he like Yujin? No..he did and his reaction to their hugs or even kisses proved that. If Jack hated Yujin or just liked them, he would never even let them do it or they would feel a painful zapping rushing through their whole body. With that knowledge and their thoughts in their mind, they just stared at him for a while until his two-toned eyes shifted away. He couldn’t stand it...not that long. Jack had the power to throw objects around and make technology his bitch but humans or people were still a mystery. He himself didn’t know how he was working and what his mind did and he had expressed that he had no clue what love really was. Family, friends, partners..all the same. At one point they would leave,tearing a big ol’ hole in your heart that would take years to fix.And that’s what they had felt before too. They didn’t want to offend anyone for feeling sick around others or being weird so they never attempted to do anything. Others just admired them because “they were different” but more than exchanging email addressed and social media infos never happened. However, While Yujin took the time to get to know Jack, he also never objected to get to know them. Agreeing on staying in their apartment for a bit, letting them clean a few things, buy a few things. It was always just ‘fine’ or ‘alright’ when Yujin asked if they did something wrong. Perhaps they did cross a line here and there but when the aussie thought about it a little longer, he caught himself wondering why he didn’t storm off or told them to fuck off right away. Instead he was just ...really sensitive with them and their feelings, still expressing whenever it was really too much.“Didn’t have time to stare when you were sleeping the whole time so you are doing it now or what?”, he teased them with the usual smirk, only triggering and giving them enough courage to do what they had in mind .Their cheeks were burning once again but not uncomfortably, just enough to make them reach out for him gentle enough. Their arms were still like goo after all this time of not drinking and eating, their whole body weak enough to fall right when they were close enough to him. A failed hug that made the young man hold their shoulders so they wouldn’t just fall flat on their face, even if the ground beneath them was a blanket.“Shit, what are you planning now?! Killing yourself by trying to do your hug stuff?”As mean and rude as it might’ve sounded to some, Yujin knew he was worried enough, just couldn’t express it like everybody else on this world.“Heh..I didn’t expect myself to be that weak after waking up...”, Yujin laughed, biting their lip right after they had stopped with laughing and tried to sit straight. Not as easy as the judoka thought it will be but their grip was still on his should for support so they couldn’t slip that easily.“Shut up and rest...you are still not okay.”“You shut up..I’m fine. I still can talk..so it’s fine.”“Instead of running your mouth with useless shit you could just sleep.”“Only if you rest too..you look awful.”Dark circles and a worn out face was nothing new for Jack. Yujin only knew him like that and rarely ever did he sleep much more than he needed. Either he was outside and doing shit or inside entertaining his audience. The only times where Yujin saw him sleep was when he was napping for a few hours or during the time in winter where they were snowed in. “Tch you look awful!”“Do I?!”“No! I mean...Yeah! But not...arg..you know!”They enjoyed the little bickering between the two and getting him a little more flustered each time. Finally, they gave in and promised to rest a little more after eating and drinking something. It wasn’t much and it didn’t taste that good...but neither Yujin nor Jack were the best cooks,especially not in a worn out state like this.In the end, the two were just laying on the bed, the window opened a little so the cold air could come in for a little. Lights going on and off within seconds, cars honking. Close to midnight.“Can I come a little...closer?”“...mhm.”So they did. The black-haired kinda knew he was really about to fall asleep. Once he was laying, there was no going back. So they had to be quick with what they wanted to say.It was nice to lay on someone’s chest for once. That’s how couples did it,right? and it didn’t hurt or feel awkward. They were still taller than he was but fuck that..nobody saw their feet dangling over the edge of the bed right now. A little awkward, the whole situation...though, the two of them had been laying around like this a few times now before that. It was never a big deal. Perhaps now, it was just...weird.“Hey..”“Mhm...?”“I think I...no...I...I do love you...”No answer, just the feeling of having said something he already knew and yet didn’t expect right now or ever really.Really unsure and careful, he replied with a “I...know” and while his answer didn’t give them really much insight in what he felt, his body language and heart said enough for Yujin to connect the dots.“You’re an idiot.”“...Heard that before”“A jerk...a rude asshole...”“Mhm..yep...nothing new...”“Buut...”As they looked up to their partner, they imagined him to just look as unphased as always. A flat face...instead, his usual unreadable face was pressed deeply into the pillow,tilted a little and burning like fire. As red as their cheeks had been for a while now, just looking off to the ceiling to avoid their hazel eyes.“Let’s..just be together...”The young judoka wrapped their arms around him carefully and slowly as Yujin was still feeling weak and tired. In return, he rather hesitantly did the same. Still a little afraid to hurt them right now or to make a big mistake.“...Kay....If can take that...if you can take me..and ..all that shit.”“I almost died because of you!”“Same,idiot.”“Don’t give me such a stupid disclaimer then...edge lord.”“Tch...can’t handle that much; I see...”“Goddammit...I hat...no..I actually love that shitty attitude..”At least somehow, they were sure that he did want them on his side.

Interesting questions being asked. As always when the two of them were hanging out and starting to think deeper about issues that they both couldn’t care less. Maybe two years ago, Yujin was still a nerd in college, taking things serious as possible and feared to walk on the streets at night. No powers that made them different from the rest until they actually went to get food with May that one day.Now, that old life wasn’t there anymore. Yujin felt like they had cut the strings to their old life and left the sorrow about their old relationship with them. No offence to Cole, they still worried about him and how things were going for him…but just a little less. Finally…the tall person finally felt like the guilt was off their shoulder for at least a few seconds as soon as they and the guy who caused havoc in the city were sitting somewhere less noisy. The junkyard was weird, dirty and possibly dangerous, but now that Yujin had some grip on their powers, they felt a little safer. Even if they weren’t used for a good cause…They didn’t really understand what made them do all these things. Perhaps the positive attention and praise they got from Jack once things were going well. Though his positive attitude towards them seemed fake in the beginning and more so that they would do things for him. The more things they did together, good or bad, the more they got his world view. Understanding why he was so mad at the world, the people and why not many could enter his. For once, it was like they found someone who shared low-key the same views as them about other people.“People just feel drawn to us…its not their fault or ours. It’s just that way.”“Blinded by some powers,yeah. They want us to do this and that and then save Christmas for them as well. They don’t care how we feel about these powers or about their attention. Fucking pressure.”Pressure..hm..Yujin had felt pressure in a relationship before but it was themself that they pressured and not Cole. Yujin just wanted to be normal just like they felt as if Jack wanted to be just a normal guy doing his things and going to bed in the morning. Normal times didn’t fly with him.“We are also pressuring ourselves to be..normal when we can’t. I think we just have to accept that we aren’t and do the best.”“No shit, Yujin. What do you think I am trying for all my life now? Using my powers in front of others is suuuper amazing to them but what if I end up hurting them…? It’s my fault anyways, no matter which way I go.”Right, no matter how he would come of, one day something would happen that normal people couldn’t understand and would hate you for. Now that Yujin understood their own powers better and tried to be as gentle with them as possible, they knew that there was a huge responsibility they had.“…Fine by me though. I don’t need anyone else in this world anyways..except Mark. He understands me and wouldn’t scream like a bitch if I threw a car at him.”“Heh..oh you. Screaming at these things is still a pretty normal reaction, car or not.”“…True.”For a second, they wished that he had just mentioned them too. For some time now, they spend every moment together even if they did nothing at all. Figured things out together and learnt more about themselves. However, while Yujin knew that most of their attraction was probably coming from their natural charm their kind possessed,they weren’t so sure about that anymore now.Jack didn’’t even act like he didn’t knew. He had a few ..no..a lot of people on the internet who were just drawn to his voice and didn’t know how he looked or how he really was. It seemed normal to him that Yujin would just feel like these people as well especially since he had praised and showered them with positive attention in the beginning of their friendship. Did he ever regret that or…?At the moment it seemed like he could easily deal with their lovesick looks at him, couldn’t even care less about it. It was normal to Jack..because he didn’t expect it to be anything more than his own powers drawing in a new victim of heartbreak.Yeah perhaps Yujin felt the same attraction that all the others felt in the beginning but at one point something in them snapped. Maybe it was the day when they were just hanging out and they saw how the two guys got along with each other. A different kind of relationship and yet it was honest and not sickening…the same day when Yujin was just so exhausted from using their powers and resting for a few hours. Time flew past them, everything moved but them. While recharging, they could hear conversations of the people living next to them. Random conversations on the street. But talking or moving on their own wasn’t possible. A scary state they were in and never looked forward to be in but if he needed their help in that way, Yujin would’ve put more on the line than just that.Some days, they would just recharge during the night at his place, not being awake or asleep and hear him talk to the people that were begging for his attention so badly. Jack was indeed a really funny guy with many skills that made people speechless as well. Was it torture that they just had to listen and couldn’t move and have fun with him too or was it a blessing just to lay there and hear the stupid jokes and his appealing voice.Other times, it wasn’t to appealing when they just had to lay there and listen to him talk to something that wasn’t there. Argue and scream and then break down. Perhaps it was less embarrasing for him that they weren’t really there at all when it happened. Though when they were awake and could help, it didn’t seem as if embarrassment even mattered anymore.All the funny things they did were definitely different from the things Cole and Yujin did back in the days. Surprisingly, Yujin didn’t feel like they had to be proper and serious all the time or even lie about things. They had been surprisingly…honest. Even when Yujin knew that Jack kinda caught on to their crush, it wasn’t embarrassing at all.But now they had to ask themself if it really was just a crush anymore. Or even the aura that they both had around them…“What about me?”Perhaps a little too direct?“Wha…? I…uhm..”Awkward idiot. Sometimes when Yujin was saying these things, they could literally count to three till the face of the aussie turned confused or red for a few seconds until his usual flat face came back.“You’re here too…nerd.”“He-hey! Sometimes I buy your groceries and cook for you too because you would just rather steal it or forget about it. Sooo I care too!”“Can’t keep me from doing some shit. One day I will make the day worse for some poor idiot.”“Not when its not necessary, jerk.”“Let me eat my trash and tease a few people.”“What about cleaning your apartment?”“Is not like it’s that bad. Don’t spend much time here anyways. And it’s not looking that bad. Not everyone has a pastel vomit in their apartment like you do, college nerd.”Yujin had to to admit that they did worry a little too much about him. They knew he could pull his own weight and more.and yet it was hard to just let go and leave him be.“That’s ..actually not what I wanted to say.”“Hm...seems like a deep talk about your feelings is coming in again.”Yujin always felt like he was completely unphased by what they said or would say. It was fine since their there was fake attention or the fact that just like Yujin, Jack had no clue what love was and how it felt. It was literally...whatever to him. As if he knew what would come.No matter what they did, he kinda expected failure in some things. The first time they actually tried to touch each other...Yujin was afraid that it would repulse them again and the aussie just looked like he was afraid to hurt them. The outcome was more satisfying than expected. It was normal and yet so special.“Is it really important if these people care?..I mean you know that they are not drawn to you because of you..but because of what we are and can do. You don’t look like you need anyone else anyways...Mark cares..and..well..you know..I care. I..we...we notice! And care...”They were a little afraid to look at him because a part of them said that he would react like always. Looking away and just saying thanks but it was really enough. It was despite Yujin actually wanting a little more.“Thanks...you know, for caring and all.”The usual response.The usual setting as always, sun going down and coloring everything in deep vibrant colors. Them just sitting on the hood of a car and watching it without any care in the world, talks as easy and natural as breathing.The two developed a small thing where these moments like that lead up to their fingers unintentionally meeting, barely touching. It didn’t hurt, it wasn’t sickening. Other things at the moment were just unthinkable to do for now. Despite them feeling awful doing a few things with Cole just because, they were actually looking forward to eventually try them with Jack..but yeah he was aware of their feelings to some degree but didn’t seem to feel the same. But they were still close.Usual unphased face as they looked at him, Just watching the sun go down to be safe in the dark once again and cause trouble for others. “Don’t stare too long, nerd. You are burning holes in me with your stare.”Before Yujin could counter that, Jack turned at them with the signature smirk probably only he could pull at such times.Their heart started beating faster. It wasn’t the first time they had the urge to be closer to him or feeling that way in general. It confused Yujin at first since it had never been that way with Cole or anyone else. The few times they came close to him however, they got accidentally shocked. Nothing they minded much but it bothered him and a situation like this made him anxious and afraid. So Yujin was cautious with Jack at all time, always apologizing for even getting that close and hej ust said..it’s alright.This time it was too late to shock anyone, being worried about getting hurt or not. Before the young man could react Yujin’s face was just close enough, their lips already touching his and that all without getting a hurtful sting like the other times. Totally different from the experience they had before. No burning that was uncomfortable. A little strange, a bit cold because of the piercings. A little longer they could just linger in that state before both of them pulled away and looked at each other confused and worried at the same time.“S-sorry...”No response, but Yujin was smart enough to read it from his face. Awkward, a little embarrassed and wishing that the sun would go down faster so Yujin didn’t see him blush like crazy.“...i-is alright.”

Yujin had thought long and hard about it. This was just not working.Their relationship to others was already a bad theatre play. No matter how much they tried to enjoy company of others, the admiring looks of their peers sickened them and Yujin had no clue why. The more confusing it was that Yujin had a relationship with another college student who was sitting in most of their classes. He was nice and of course,Cole was the first to do the first step and ask them on dates, ask them if they were single or not. Conversations like that were weird to the other one, since most people only admired them as a friend and never dared to get closer to them. However, this guy actually asked them out and wanted to date them. A part of Yujin was rather uneasy about it and another was happy that someone wasn’t just blindly liking them like the rest did. He deserved a chance.Now a year and a few months had passed and their relationship was probably the best for Cole, but to Yujin it still felt...like nothing. In hopes that time will make things better, they agreed to work on things and try new stuff. Yujin watched how other people interacted as couples but just didn’t get it. Doing things together was nice..but the warm tingling feeling never came up. If anything, anything intimate made them feel sicker than talking to their college friends. But the look on his face told the student to not say that and just endure it. The long-haired guy was one of the only people along with May, that they could stand being around. Now that they had a serious relationship for a while, Yujin felt that if things would go on, their friendship and relationship would fall apart. What was just wrong with them? Couldn’t they feel love? No..Yujin was longing for some relationship that didn’t make them nauseous and sick to their stomach. Cole just..wasn’t the right person, they feared.Sometimes, he was staying over and tried to cook and ramble about a few things. At least he was super happy with things.This had to end now. They couldn’t leave him in the dark and pretend that things were fine and worked out so good. “Hey! How about I cook something nice and we watch a movie. It’s raining quite a bit outside and it might storm as well so if you don’t mind we could just fall asleep riiiight on the couch haha!”Somehow that was a little bit adorable in their mind. Of course, Yujin would never throw him out during such a time and they nodded gently at his suggestion. So...things were like a normal relationship then? The things they did pointed to that,yeah. Watching movies,cooking together, studying for the next exams, doing research in the library together and more.And they were fun if there wasn’t the intimacy of a relationship. Yujin remembered that their first kiss didn’t go well at all since he was nervous and they didn’t expect it. Just one quick peck and they just felt as if they soul escaped their body,in the worst way imaginable. From that day on, they gave these things a chance and in Yujin’s mind, kissing wasn’t too bad..and Cole was not the worst kisser. Once their lips met and touched, it began to burn horribly. At least for a few minutes..sometimes even hours. As if Yujin’s own lips would melt and fall off. When these things happened, they remembered the words of their mom: “Some things aren’t meant to be,Yujin.”Perhaps this thing right there wasn’t meant to be...How to start a conversation like this after Cole just suggested to cook and watch a movie, possibly staying over tonight and maybe..maybe suggesting to attempt to do more. He was pretty patient with these things and never forced them to undress or...touch anything they didn’t like,yeah..yet Yujin felt like they couldn’t go around that topic forever and one day, knowing themself, they would give in and do it..only god knew how it would feel if they attempted these things.“Sure..you..you can stay here.”,the black-haired scratched their head,looking down at their notes for college to avoid his eyes.“Are you okay? You look really worried...i-if you worry about the next exam and its topics..please don’t! I think I got them down so I can explain a few things!”His concern and care made the judoka a little sad inside, Upset that they couldn’t just give him the same.“Yeah...I guess...”Yujin wasn’t the best student without a lot of studying so what Cole assumed was their problem helped them a little to figure out if they could just say it or not.An hour passed and the couple was sitting on the table, eating what he had prepared. Despite him being a pretty good cook, every bite felt hard to swallow, hard to take in at all. The guy in front of them was just bubbly as always, talking about a few movie suggestions, what happened at his part time job and that the store owner threatened to sue another guy again.As soon as the table was clean of table wear, everything clean as Yujin liked it, they sat down and zapped through the channels at first.The more minutes passed the more his voice seemed to get farther away from their ears. Lights from the tv illuminated the dark room, muffled rain noises outside, his arm around them...since it was normal by now in their relationship. Oh no, another kissing scene on the screen. Somehow, Yujin was afraid of these scenes in movie since they might tell Cole that things between them weren’t as good as he expected. Just that there was comparrison everywhere in the media made Yujin nervous that their true feelings would surface one day and they would truly upset Cole“Heh! I hope they get together in the end! They remind me of us.”Oh please don’t say that...“Don’t you think? Meeting in college...him being the love sick fool trying to get the person that is way out of his league..but she is giving him a chance and falls for him too. Reminds me a lot of us..”His hug got a little tighter and their heart felt as if it was strangled.His dark eyes travelled from the bright TV screen to their face to see what Yujin would say since they had been awfully quiet today.“I’m pretty happy how things turned out. I know..I know sometimes you still seem like your mind is somewhere else but that we work on things...that we are able to talk about our problems...it’s amazing.And I hope we can spend times like christmas again. Since that day I feel a lot closer to you...”Christmas was special! Even to Yujin, that event was nice despite the physical pain they went through just to make it work.Finally, their eyes met his, a little concern visible in them. Maybe what they had in mind would work and nothing bad would happen.He tilted his head a little as if he wanted to ask a question. The judoka was swallowing in concern and their anxiety was through the roof, their whole body uncomfortably burning from his touch. They just looked at each other for a while before Yujin decided to just come a little closer on their own terms. The closer they got to what they wanted to do the blurrier their vision got, the more they felt like their heart would strangle them and kill them at the spot. All they realized was that the moment he knew what they were about to do, Cole closed his eyes really slowly with a slight smile on his lips.Yujin didn’t do these things often on their own terms so he was excited and happy that they attempted to do it after he had poured out his soul about their relationship. However, inside of Yujin, it felt like pure hell. Tears were starting to fall before anything happened, slightly and very cautious, their lips touched for one...two...three..a lot of more seconds in hopes that things would be better if they just tried. Cole was right! They worked on things to make them be right...but this...was just not right and didn’t feel like it. Before he could even try to get into it a little more, Yujin pulled away, their eyes looking at their hands that were shaking.Now, even Cole realized that something was wrong and his eyes just opened in a flash,seeing his partner overflowing with tears and being disappointed.“Hey..hey! Its alright! It’s alright you don’t need to do that if you don’t want that! If you can’t do it on your own, I will wait..and its fine if you never can! Don’t cry..don’t be disappointed Yujin! These things aren’t the only ones that make me happy, really!. Time with you..and how close we can be without touching..that’s what makes me happy. I love you, Yujin. and I’ll wait no matter how long it takes! You’re worth the wait!”As if the whole situation wasn’t hurtful enough, these words made them sob even more, feeling horrible about their own feeling.“I’m sorry...so sorry..”“No! Please! I understand.”“N-no...”Their fingers touched the place where their lips met for a few seconds, nails dug into it as if they had to get rid of the skin no matter what.“I..I can’t..I...I don’t..l-..”Despite feeling the way they did, saying that they didn’t love Cole the way he did and they would never be able to felt like a torture.They felt his hand on their cheek, wiping away the many tears that made their way down to Yujin’s shivering hands. A burning sensation made it through their cold body as one hand of his held theirs. At first it was comfortable and warm until it turned into an unbearable stinging.“You don’t need to...not now. I’m sorry if I pressured you.”“It’s..okay..It’s..not you..it’s me..I just can’t ..do it..”“You don’t need to heh...really. Don’t beat yourself up.”“I..I don’t love..you like you love me.. I’m sorry. I try..and your care and concern and what you do..all that is just something I don’t deserve. I can’t bring myself to give you the same love..or kiss you easily without feeling like I do.. I think its so unfair of me and I wish I could have the same feelings for you to make you even happier than you are now with me being so cold.”There it was, out in the open now. he was still holding their hand but once the truth was out, it stopped burning...the hand was still holding theirs though. Both were a little shaky now, not being able to believe what just happened. How would the two of them get out of that mess? Yujin was used to just talk it out and go back to their old relationship but was that possible after they had said they didn’t really love him like a partner?That night, the two of them sat there for a long time, talking and talking about their feelings, Honestly and from the heart. They let him sleep at their apartment anyways after their talk had ended and both weren’t feeling awful. Yet, Yujin couldn’t find any sleep that night, wondering if they just had hurt a person like they never wanted to hurt anyone or not.

“Shhh I didn’t know that you were about to do SUCH THINGS!”Yujin’s life had been pretty uneventful before they started to roughen up a little and change their life style, as their mother named this ‘phase’. The life of a small apartment in the city with a lot of pastels and the smell of coffee in the morning was over after they and May were on the way to get some food. Well...was fast food really food? May was begging them to get out with her and grab some food in the middle of the night.A fast trip, Yujin thought, and yet it ended in a fucking race because of May sitting on the passenger seat and screaming ‘Race Race RACE!!!’ and a mysterious guy they kinda wanted to see again...maybe one day. But May was right, when would there be a chance to met some strange again.Heartbreak and failed relationships weren’t new to Yujin. They had tried out a few things since they were studying in college with their roommate and some people were even interested in them. Perhaps the most interesting part about Yujin was their stable home and money situation for many which was why the black-haired judoka didn’t trust many people except the girl with the curls. And some other guy who they couldn’t even look in the eye or touch at all. They had no idea why this was the case but their mom always said that perhaps it was just not meant to be. It was strange indeed..some people made them physically ill if they just talked to Yujin and others were bearable. Just like May. Living with her wasn’t bad at all...Yujin just wished to know why they had such a hard time with other people or connecting with them. It definitely made them worried to what kind of people were right for their own sake, future and fate if the people in college made them violently sick even though they seemed to be all nice.Now that strange thought...racing was perhaps the better thing to do because he actually talked to the two roommates after they finally caught up. In the middle of nowhere on some old and dirty junkyard. What kind of place was that? Yujin prefered clean and bright places but they had to admit this place had some atmosphere. It was different from the coffee shops around the campus where May was working. Or the bookshops where many students were looking for last minute material for their exams. Yujin only knew a rather clean world, despite seeing the bad kind of things too. But the rose tinted glasses were already on their face and only May was able to pull them off and make them see things in real colors. Now, these glasses were probably broken and cracked on the dashboard of their car if they were truly real.The foggy and weird surroundings at the moment, they felt real and made them finally see the reality of this world. The city behind them wasn’t as bright and pastel colored as their living room. Neon lights blinking on and off while the lights of the cars iluminated the city as well.Night time was a time where Yujin never left the house. Only the few noises from the streets made them aware of the bad shit going on. Ah, right...last night someone robbed a gas station...someone else got stabbed on the street. Bad things but as long as it doesn’t happen to them, they didn’t care. Yet, the dangerous side of these things was pretty interesting to them.And with that bad decision they made that night, Yujin was able to see most of it.It was rather hard to even stay in contact with him. He was hard to catch and seemed very anti social, not interested in socializing at all. But Yujin showed at least some will to talk to him. Awkward enough that they didn’t even ask for his name back then. Wouldn’t help them much except trying to google him or find him on social media. But such a person who hates social contact wouldn’t have such things anyways.The day before seeing each other again, Yujin was sitting in class again but the thought of what happened maybe a week ago didn’t let them go.Shit, how many red lights did they cross? How many imaginary grandmas did they accidentally hit? Yujin shivered at the thought, nervously scratching their arms. Strangely enough, their hands were fine when they shook the hand of the strange. Thought it was like one of them was kinda...static? Perhaps they just imagined that. But no feeling of being sick or disgusted. Maybe it was just natural attraction. However, these people were always trouble. Getting in street races, not paying the rent on time...maybe begging on the street for money to pay for food? Jesus... This day, their class ended late and they hated walking on the streets. Their safety was just a second thought, Yujin knew how to defend themself but the scenery was just not what they expected. And the people were just as weird.They read in the newspaper that the police was looking for some guy they couldn’t even identify. Someone causing mischief and trouble. All their friends, or at least they could stomach, were clean people. Never doing anything wrong in their life and studying just as much as Yujin did. May was kind of an exception since she liked trouble but she wasn’t a total criminal. In fact, she was the best friend Yujin ever had since her being around made them feel better than with their proper and clean friends. Yujin passed a store where they usually bought a few things after their late classes. The judoka needed energy throughout the night just like May needed something to eat in the middle of the night...strangely enough. Today, the owner looked distressed though so Yujin went to her and asked what was wrong as they gathered the few things they needed.“Fucking cash register doesn’t work! Radio is suddenly not working too! And you bet your ass that my security camera is broken too. I don’t know why everything suddenly stopped working. Is this a fucking blackout?”The college student was used to her rants. Rants about her family life or the store..but today was extreme and she looked so stressed.“Perhaps I shouldn’t get anything today so you won’t be stressed with your cash register tonight.”“Geez. I know you will pay later, Yujin. So just take that stuff for today and pay tomorrow. I hope things will work later.”As soon as the long haired owner said these words, the lights just turned off and made her scream in anger.“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS CITY TONIGHT?!”Yujin was trying to stay calm to calm her down too but now that was impossible. Thankfully, Yujin was close to the door and could leave with their stuff as their heard the woman ramble and scream about the blackout. Just as they left the store and walked a few steps they ran into someone and send them directly to the ground. A few seconds later they realized it was that guy again. Oh no..or oh yes? Was that the weird fate stuff their tarot card obsessed friend was talking about?! What was he doing here? Why was there so much money laying on the ground?“Hng....”“o-ouch..uhm...eh..aren’t you that guy..?”“W-what?!”“Yeah! You are that guy from last week!”Was he still wearing the same damn clothes? Jeez with all that money flying around you would think he had enough to buy a new jacket and some better pants. “Shit...you are ruining everything right now!”“What?? Excuse you! You could also look in front of you and not walk into me?”“Huh. So not looking who is in front of you is YOUR privilege alone, nerd?”“NERD?!”Granted, their clothes looked pretty nerdy...But before Yujin would counter that argument, the store owner rushed outside and screamed loudly behind them.“HEY THAT DUDE STOLE MY FUCKING MONEY! WRECK HIM YUJIN!! I’LL SUE HIM ANYWAYS!”The student looked back at the guy who looked like he was caught in the act and before anything else happened, off he was with the rest of the money that wasn’t on the floor.Yujin ran after him as if the devil was chasing them. But one second they saw him and the next he was just gone. Dammit...Althea would be mad as hell..but at least she saw his face and could help the police a little. Man..stressful days would come for Yujin.“Goddammit!”,they screamed and another scream from above followed and something crashed in front of them...or..someone. THAT GUY.“FUCK”“WHAT THE HELL!?”“NOT YOU AGAIN! ITS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!”“WHAT?! I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING?!”“SURE. NOTHING AT ALL!”Yujin was confused as hell and didn’t know what they should do. On one hand...Althea needed that money and it was wrong to steal. But on the other hand...they ran into each other for a reason..AGAIN. And surely..Yujin could give their money to Althea and tell her they caught him,letting him off the hook...perhaps he really needed it even though Yujin didn’t know how he did all of these things.Soon enough, they would know for sure.

“That might be a little early.. I doubt it will do any good.”Months had gone by since all of them had to fight against a friend. Froming the strongest fusion to hold them back and cause any more damage on the others. While Tanzanite was the wisest fusion under them all, the most skilled fighter and the most careful one, they ended up shattering a friend that turned against them. It was an accident, right? Just a mistake, overestimating the damage their weapon could do even if they had formed so often and knew their strength.It was on purpose, right? They angered the rest of the group with their views that weren’t healthy, Homeworld would’ve snatched the kindergarten gems away from Mark and Yujin without any effort at all if they went through with the plan of their friend and the two would be the ones shattered.No matter what it was, Yujin didn’t know the answer to it. What they did know was that they felt ‘bad’ for what they had done to their friend while Mark felt more than that. Was he afraid of himself for doing this? Was he blaming himself for Tanzanite to become this violent and angry in the end? Yujin knew from the beginning that while Mark was just another soldier like them and the other ones of him, he was afraid of what he could become. On homeworld, emotions didn’t count. It was who you are what was counting. What you were born for. Standing in front of a palace to look pretty and defend it if necessary. That was all Yujin was supposed to do..and back then..they were just another Ametrine like the rest.Then...Mark and them left homeworld and stayed on earth. Studying the ways of the people on this planet.Giving themselves names as if they were one of these humans too. Was this the first step to become their own person and develop who they are?Yujin always doubted that they learnt a lot from the humans besides culture and what they did when emotions reigned over them. Humans were just dead by the point you started to get to know them so mark and Yujin kept their distance and it was lonely sometimes. The good thing was that they had each other and knew each other in and out. Humans would describe their relationship as a tight knitted friendship...was that what they said. Yujin was a newbie with all these emotions and expressions. Other than fighting and standing in front of a palace to look good, they had never done anything else. The things homeworld had actually taught them about other gems never left their mind. Not even when they and Mark formed Tanzanite to help out a few poor souls in a small village. Tanzanite was something different..something Yujin had never seen but felt comfortable being them. Nowhere near super strong or allmighty but they felt good about this form. Sometimes staying in it a little longer but never losing their own shapes.Now, Mark was afraid to form Tanzanite, started to think he was the reason why things happened the way they did but...there was no way that Yujin would force him to get out against his will. If they learnt anything about him then it was that he needed time to think. And a few months were nothing in a gems life.“You won’t be able to get him out of this state if you force him to. On homeworld, we were different and we regret our deeds, yet...we were able to move on. Mark chose to forget and deny most of his homeworld past and stopped talking about it..while I like to acknowledge the things I’ve done there and how I felt. Earth isn’t the place I was born so it will never be what the humans call ‘home’. But still, earth showed me other things I’ve never considered in my planned out life. Normally, I would’ve forced him out too...but it won’t do any good You can try.”

He crossed his arms and didn’t know what to really think of her words. It wasn’t the first time Erin talked in a weird manner, wrapping these wisdoms in big presents for him to unwrap and figure out what they were. Julian wasn’t stupid but he was also just average at many things. His poetic skills or his knowledge of such stuff was limited and he wished to have a translator for them.A little annoyed, he looked back at the night sky who seemed to appear crystal clear about the two that were sitting there in the grass on a warm summer night.The young man had given up on talking about his anger and his jealousy a while ago. Even he got annoyed by this after time, but he was thankful that Erin was willing to listen to him. If Julian ever told Kyle, it would’ve broken his heart in two. Julian knew Kyle adored Mark, even had a sweet ass nickname for him. While Julian...well he has always been Julian. Back then and now. Perhaps it was a compliment that Kyle didn’t easily forget about him..still...“I’m no leader...”, Julian replied, avoiding her gaze as he spoke. “And I never will be. Leader positions...they are for other people. Headstrong and yet considerate of other ideas..and all that stuff. I admit..I got a lot of advice from you and it seems like I just can’t deal with it or don’t know how to apply it in real life. I’m sorry if you think your breath is wasted on me. Truth be told, you are the only one who would listen to me that long about that problem. You know...my parents are pretty busy and only got time on the weekend for me..sometimes... I am used to live alone and explain things to myself. Give myself reasons to either ignore or do things. It’s hard to learn. I don’t know. I’m weird...I apologize..”However, he knew that people viewed Erin as weird too...even he did. Not in a bad way but just weird. It must’ve been tiresom for her to hear that over and over again and yet, she had the same patient face as always. She didn’t need many things and helped out her friends, even gave them life advice while Julian sometimes choked on his cereals in the morning. He felt like he didn’t really grow up with all this anger inside. It kept him from moving forward. Why couldn’t he forget? The boy would give anything to just climb mountains, maybe learn how to swim at the beach and take really amateur pictures of animals in the mountains than have this crushing angst inside of him.Strangely enough, Julian thought his teenage times would be more like..being an outsider and being rejected by the girls he likes...but that wasn’t the case. He never admitted his crushes on many cheerleaders in his school, he liked to admire them from his spot far far away. Julian wasn’t the best looking and his mole made that goal even harder for him but he didn’t mind anymore.Perhaps he had found his peace in the mountains and woods he liked to take a walk in for a while now. Who needed more things? Peace and a good friend who was up to explore the secrets of mother nature’s green fields was all this guy needed at this stage of his life. Maybe that was the way to progress and leave his old self behind.“Still..thanks for the advice you’ve given me so far,even if I just don’t get it yet”

The medicine student crossed his arms and let out a sigh. What did he even expect from a guy like him...to listen to his medical terms and explanations why he better do what Daniel suggested? No. Of course not. His patience was just as thin as the one of the guy with the glasses even though, Daniel could take a little more than Jack from time to time. He had to, Rome wasn’t build in one day and despite not being as patient as other people around him, Daniel tried to shut himself up whenever he felt the need to say what may needed to be said...just not now.But today, today was not the day to rub his temples and say “Whatever”.“Listen...I know you don’t like all this stuff. I could talk sweetly to you like Yujin always does and somehow succeeds but I am definitely not sweet with you in the slightest.”Daniel wondered how one person could be that stubborn and like wax in the next second when you just swapped the person that said things.Sure enough, the young man was convinced that Yujin often failed too..just that their opinions and feelings were valued a lot more and that an attempt was made rather than just giving up by default.“Let me get straight here for a second. The voices in your head? No..they are not a big fucking angst party in your head and if you cry and whine about them and that you feel bad..well thats mostly because you are a lazy piece of shit who thinks he is too cool for his meds. No Jack, you are not onne of these people who can treat their schizophrenia WITHOUT antipsychotic drugs. And you should finally fucking learn to get that straigth. You want me to get more specific yes? To the point? Good.”Frankly, Daniel had enough that he had to consol his...erhem..friend more than once about it. Perhaps he was wasn’t the right ‘doctor’ for it...since he was still a student and studying inner medicine. However, Daniel always liked to get in other topics too and his knowledge helped him out here.He had seen many people come and go in the hospital as well, many doctors get upset or give up on people before. A stable environment wasn’t always the key to success, but here it was definitely a big help for the Aussie to not go crazy all the time. Still, totally avoiding to take the drugs was a bad habit and dangerous as well. Other drugs would only do so much and while he bet that they were a ‘lot of fun’,knowing it from experience, one person could only live that long in that kind of world till it got triste or horrible.The green-eyed guy pointed up to the ceiling with a dead serious expression on his face.“You know what? If you continue you like that you’ll hang there. Not because the voices got to you and told you it would be a cool trick to jump through a rope with your head but maybe because you hurt someone you didn’t want to hurt but did it anyways. You can’t control your episodes or yourself in that state. Be always aware another day of not doing what you should also means endangering the lives of the people around you. They take the risk because they fucking care about you...so you better take actions and show them you do too, you reckless asshole.”

Wow, that was a rare compliment. At least at the time it was said, it was one of the things that had never really been uttered by their friend and still serect crush.It was as if Yujin had a new meaning in life since they spent some more time with Jack. He was...unique. Mostly not in the best way when they started to get to know him. Many things he said came out pretty blunt and hit them with full force. Sofia’s bluntness was one thing, but he was a different level of bluntness. Did he even know what he was doing by saying these things? Eventually, the korean figured out that he didn’t really get it and that hehimself didn’t know how to react to certain things. Like a toddler who was learning how to interact with other kids around him. Nothing that would keep Yujin from hanging out with the Aussie, but definitely a big bolder in their way to understand him or even relate.Playing games here and there and other shenanigans were fun for a while and Yujin did enjoy his sense of humor a lot. It was different from the times when they hung out with Sofia. She only talked about girly things and read teen magazines. For a while, that was fine too but when Yujin suggested something, she was quick to turn them down. Girly things and makeup...they were okay and Yujin had no problem trying them out but it would never dictate their life like it did for Sofia in her Middle School years. So Yujin started to find out what they like and computer games were a good thing to waste a whole weekend. For them it was less of a waste and more of an interesting world they entered during the weekend and sometimes during a weekday. Most of the other people they knew were on the internet and liked to play games. That was the first reason for Yujin to just start playing and getting better. Social interactions. A team game never worked with a single player. A wonderful rule that Yujin adored to pieces because they themself knew they couldn’t work on their own.Games weren’t an unusual hooby for a..uh..girl these days and so, Jack never really saw it as a big deal. He never looked like it was a big deal..or really anything. Be it that it seemed like they wore the same hoodie for the last 3 weeks or their awkward and destroyed page hair cut. It didn’t look like it was phasing or touching him at all. Or maybe he didn’t know how to express it? Nah, his mouth was never closed if something crossed his way. Perhaps Yujin couldn’t deal with a person that didn’t constantly nagged on their appearance. Or their behavior. Okay that was wrong...he DID call them a nerd and a dweeb, whatever that was. The judoka was still getting used to it and was highly afraid of offending the youtuber. But not much touched him...as it seemed.Only later, they learnt that this wasn’t quite true. There was always this awkward feeling of something being off between them. Was he faking his whole cool act? No, Yujin truly believed that he was really that awesome and cool,hence why he was totally their type. But..no there was something else. Gazing at him, he seemed kinda cold and numb to most of the things. His expression always flat. However, nobody could ever be like that all the time. Only a few instances made him smirk or smile or scream in anger when he lost a game. Heh, didn’t they mention that they weren’t that bad at all of these games? No master but no noob either.After being comfortable enough to go to other places, they started practicing again. It had been a year or so since they practiced the last time. And then...Yujin just never came back. They regretted this decision but once they were back, their sensei put his hand on their shoulder to welcome them back again. he had always done that and Yujin always felt safe when he did it. What a role model...that he accepted them back, how thankful they were.Yujin didn’t need to talk about the things that happened with them and it was almost a hazy memory in their brain. Was it even real? Did this guy really go to prison? It all happened..but everyone around Yujin seemed to ..not deny it but say it was best not to talk about it.Yet, the tall korean heard their parents talk about it constantly. How their mother cried and was afraid that this sicko might get them pregnant to their father taking a long break from work because he couldn’t deal with the fact that his only daughter got violated in that way and he wasn’t there to help them.Yeah...maybe hanging out with Jack was really..the best they could do because...he didn’t know and he didn’t stress. He didn’t give them awkward and pityful looks because of what happened. Ocassionally, Jack shrugged here and there but overall...being with him was really relaxing.That was until they got to know that he had a lot more on his plate than he ever mentioned. Something as big as a mental illness would never be easy to sweep under the rug, especially if there were times when the Aussie was just plain weird, staring at spots like he saw some crazy ass monster. That was because he did see all that but Yujin couldn’t know.Zero knowledge about this..what was Schizophrenia?What did it do..was there any help for people with that? Yujin was reading a lot on the internet back then when they tried to recover from their own things, but they avoided the topic of mental illness. Their aunt had always been talking about it and honestly, Yujin needed a break from that heavy stuff at home. Countless visits there, then visiting the doctor. Things they had to do...it was nothing new to get checked here and there. Their diabetes was a reason for checkups or getting insuline. Their OCD needed attention too...well that medicine even helped them during the time of their breakdown because now it was also treating their PTSD. They could only chuckle about it. Others would pity them if they knew most of these things but Yujin did their best to get better, take their pills and move on. It was hard...so..that meant it was really hard for him too.Going deeper and deeper into the world of this Illness, they started to feel so bad for him. Oh, he didn’t need their pity, if anything it probably felt like a painful casualty that happened every day. Was that the reason for his flat face and barely an expression visible on it? Probably, but Yujin wasn’t their aunt as was Web M.D. All they read was..it was bad. It ruined friendships, relationships. Mh, Yujin remembered that he was awkwardly silent and aloof when he was visiting Kyle’s hideout when they were younger...or he was a total douche. Maybe he was just afraid to slip up and not being accepted?They remembered...there was rarely anyone else they heard of from him. There was a girl named May and the taller one could remember that there was an upperclassmate named May...she was quite a bit but Yujin didn’t do much with her due to them being in different grades. Yeah right...Yujin was also younger than Jack....they almost forgot that one incident. Much like the people around Yujin denying that they ever had a bad incident, Yujin seemed silent about the one with him. The memory however, it was still like it happened yesterday. Only because they went to the hospital with Mark and waited. Mark’s mom also said that something was not right with him and something that he could not change but back then, Yujin was a little too young to understand. Life and death situations were mostly avoided by teenagers in general. Another thing they could remember was that they lost their other pair of earrings that day. They went even so far to trace back their steps but..they couldn’t find them. It looked like everytime these two met, Yujin lost them and couldn’t find them anymore. Odd...maybe a sign? What would they lose this time, they wondered...Knowing about the mental disadvantage their friend had made things a little more open and yet distant. Jack would openly ask them to leave when things got too bad and Yujin always felt with a heavy feeling in their stomach, not being able to do anything. So that must’ve been the feeling their helpless parents felt back then. But unlike Yujin, Jack didn’t want any help from professionals. Did he even take his meds? Yujin wanted to remind him sometimes since they knew but..wouldn’t that go to far?Actually, the taller one spent a lot of time thinking about the whole situation, mental illness as a whole, their friendship and how it would turn out..or to what it would turn in the end. And..of course Jack himself.Crushes were floating like clouds for Yujin. They had many,many crushes before. Until their expectations got crushed by the very person and they moved on. It was so easy just to go away when the person didn’t really bother with you and you didn’t bother to contiue to care about them anymore. The fun part was the flirting anyways,was it? A slight tickle you felt in your stomach, so-called butterflies , was always one of the best feelings Yujin experienced. One of the worst was rejection, but overtime, Yujin dealt with it like a pro. Or...lied to themself that they were okay with rejection. Failure was worse! Losing a judo match or at something they were really good at felt like a punch in the stomach and the korean was competitive as hell. A few lost games were nothing to something they were really good at and lost.Yujin didn’t question why they had a small crush on the gamer. Of course, it was how he looked like and that he even acted like a cool ass motherfucker. Far from someone Yujin was. Perfect. But the moment they remembered that he was far more than what he presented, their stomach turned. How shallow could they even be to overlook things that were obvious. Behind all these piercings and the tattoo there was a guy who stopped people from getting to close. And behind that was a guy who was afraid people wouldn’t listen and get hurt by him. And after that...was a guy with many many people in his head that were constantly talking, racing minds that barely rested in the depths of his soul. All the talking shattered many pieces of what he could’ve been, hopes and dreams, things that he wanted and needed in his life. Who wouldn’t give up most of the things and just wait for the next chance to get rid of all these?Oh jeez...that got a little dark but...Yeah, it was that dark and perhaps a lot darker if they knew what else was going on.Yet, shallow Yujin mostly only cared about the first two layers. They could accept rejection because they didn’t go further nor did they attempt friendships with the others. But..with Jack, they never attempted to crush on him but to be his friend. A normal friend, friends who hang out and do funny stuff..Friends who listen to each other and can trust each other. However, Yujin was far from reaching that level. It would be hard...it would take a lot of time...maybe it would fail...Yet somehow they couldn’t just go to him and say that they shouldn’t be friends anymore. Just because of a stupid crush they had...they couldn’t leave him hanging and it made them wonder why.This was probably the time when they realized that they could relate on some level with him. Having friends who left when things got out of control and hard to handle. People who would take it too serious if you needed your own space and time. Screw that stupid crush, Yujin wouldn’t leave a friend alone who truly felt alone but never admitted it outright. They could be a good friend...and if their feelings ever got stronger? Well...they had to deal with it. Besides, Jack was a lot of fun and one of the people who accepted them for who they were too. They liked a lot of stuff he liked too,even before they met and some things just grew on Yujin along the way. Surely, Yujin was good at many sports..but surfing..or snowboarding? Anything involving a board was a danger for their safety and for others. Aiden liked to surf too, a lot actually. So they knew a bit about that but never really wanted to give it a try. Perhaps the crush did play a role with that, Yujin didn’t want to look stupid in front of him and yet...most of the situations Yujin got into made them look hilarious. Once they got in these situations however, they didn’t feel too bad about looking like a nerd anymore. Hey, he laughed for a few seconds or smirked...that was healing their embarrassed soul in seconds. A pleasant feeling, better than that ticklish feeling for a few seconds. It kept them going for a few days until they craved more of that. For a few days, they were able to just sit at home and do their things until their mind drifted away into the things they and their friend had been doing the days before. At least once or twice a day. Their effort paid off eventually due to their own research and because they had no intention in talking too much about these things and let actions speak. Yujin was comfortable and confident enough in their skills to hold him back if he really got out of control. But this hadn’t been the case yet...this thought was one that made them comfortable to stay during bad times. Yujin started to become more stubborn , trying to reason with themself that what he sometimes said was him talking and that if he really didn’t like them, he wouldn’t let them stay anyways. It somewhat convinced the half korean that someone actually enjoyed them. Their company and their effort to help. Ahh...how long was it since somebody needed help from them? A long time because Yujin depended on the friend they were with. Be if Sofia or Mark or Kyle.But these two here? It kinda looked like they were getting better because of each other. Well...okay..Yujin was seeing a change in themself and hey, he was more open too. Sometimes.The more drawers they opened, the more they learnt and realized to see.Keeping him safe from what the could do to himself was a new task they had found in life. And it felt good...so good to be needed. And...perhaps the words that so seldomly came over his lips made them realize something that shattered them deeply..It was always awkward when he said these things, as if he didn’t know how to say them or as if..he had to think long and hard about it. Being afraid of reject and the awkwardness of changing relationships due to that rejection. And yet, despite having his throat strangling fear, he thanked them for keeping him safe. His mis-matched eyes averting and waiting for a reaction to calm the raging waves of anxiety. A thing that was hard to hide when one had his head in their lap. Their mind wasn’t in the place to laugh and say that it was what friends did or call him out on why his cheeks suddenly felt so warm on their skin.The breath stopped for a second just like their heart until it started to beat painfully in their chest.People teased them obviously because of their crush. Be it their family who always said they spent too much time with him or even the internet when they did appear on a few videos of his. They always seemed to look through it, which wasn’t hard since many pointed out their sappy looks and awkward giggles. But a crush was only shallow, only being interested in what was presented on the outside but but but...he was so much more than that! An asshole who didn’t always seem to be one and did care. Someone who didn’t want to be dictated by meds and his problems he had to deal with. So others weren’t allowed to rule over him either. Not knowing how to talk if it wasn’t in front of a camera and for his audience, not knowing which words wouldn’t heal or destroy a situation. Totally unperfect. Weird and not normal just like they were.“No...problem. Hehe..that’s what friends are for,right?”Right..that was what friends were for. And yet on their way back home they didn’t expect that being friends would hurt their heart so badly. Jack didn’t do anything wrong and it was fine, just fine that he saw them as a close friend. It was a compliment! And that he was open enough to thank them for that was even bigger.But why, why was their throat feeling like they swallowed glass...Others teased them for the stupid crush. ‘Haha I ship you guys!’, my ass...it was like reading the meanest insult but him reading the comments and laughing it off, saying “In your dreams” hurt them too...StopHold onThis wasn’t the route they wanted to go. Yujin remembered saying that if anything inside of them would get more intense, they would be able to deal with it. Friendship was more important! More than this paralysing pain inside of them because of an unrequited crush! Jeez! So many had rejected them why did it only hurt so bad to be lowkey rejected by Jack?Simple...that wasn’t a crush anymore. But...they were friends and he was obvious about his intentions with them. But what if another girl would come around? A GIRL girl..not a freak pretending to be something else despite being trapped in this awful body that pained their existence every day they took another breath. Why couldn’t they be just normal, a normal girl that didn’t have any problems. Someone he could rely on without being afraid that they would fall apart. A fun girl, a real girl. Yujin wasn’t a real girl..they weren’t even a girl or a woman or a guy or a man...they were nothing and not in tune with themself, questioning the things that happened with their body everyday just like the Aussie questioned the emotions he encountered along the way. Eventually, there would come a girl around that would be better, cooler, more understanding that will steal him away and leave them in the dust. Was it worth it to stay while they had the chance to leave?..of course it was..Jack looked happier..a little. That was the vibe they got from him after some time. Still not the best feelings but better than before and his trust showed them. But what if someone else would do the same quicker and better....Yujin would become obsolete.Uh..the pain...they didn’t want to lose him..or what they had. Even if he would reject them over and over again and if the words he spoke would break them and make them fall apart piece by piece, it would be worse to lose him as a friend. Little did Yujin know that this feeling would only grow stronger over the years. For now, it already felt like the world came to an end.It hurt that they weren’t able to convince him about the good qualities he had in himself. Jack wasn’t a monster his bad habits weren’t a total dealbreaker. It hurt that they couldn’t convince him that they were in fact a pretty good match in Yujin’s opinion and how things could be. Scary and new...but they could deal with that together, right? Or would it change everything and end up tearing the two apart that had formed a strong bond that both admired and that would only grow in the future. Oh ...change..what if they didn’t like him in a relationship...was a relationhip really different from a friendship with him? So many questions...and all answers to the questions were that Yujin shouldn’t even dare to ruin that. Regardless of their feelings for him, they didn’t matter here. In the past, Yujin had already buried many friendships that could’ve been good because of the risk of falling for that person. Now..that exact thing happened and their body and soul was in pain and yet at ease once they remembered...he felt safe with them and trusted them to some degree. He was truly seeing them as a good friend, a trustworthy person, and respected their boundries and feelings as good as he was able to. If he could do it without falling apart due to the voices trying to convince him that nobody gave a fuck about him, then Yujin could do the same. Put aside all their desires and wishes to be a truly good friend they strifed to be. Now they had to keep up their reputation..and be exactly that friend.