#object intro

i’ve had her for about a year, but it's only recently I started to feel a kind of presence from her, like a personality or a vibe I connected with really quickly; She feels protective, adventurous, a little goofy, domineering, she likes to cuddle but she also likes her alone time every now and then. I ended up developing both a crush and sexual feelings, which felt sudden but may have been growing in the background

Her name is Duchess (she/him/it) but most of the time I just say "my carabiner". As an autistic person, names and pronouns don’t come naturally to me, for myself or for objects. When I use them, it feels more like an aesthetic choice or something I’m doing so other people understand me. Because of that, I might switch between Duchess, my carabiner, she/her, and it/its, those all feel right to me, as objects I've gained sentimental attachments to eventually lose their names and pronouns, im particularly struggling to figure them out for her, names and pronouns feel so human and are hard to even give myself and stick to

Since last year, she’s been holding my old dog’s, Duke's, tags after he passed. because of how I think about energy, memory, and spirituality, she feels connected to him in some way. Not as an embodiment of him, and not as my dog, but as something new, her own presence, shaped by him, by her function as a carabiner, the history of carabiners and butch identity, and by our own personal memories

I’ve been interacting with her privately for a while and haven’t really shared that, partly for privacy and partly because I’m still figuring out how communication works for me with objects. I also deal with morality OCD, which makes intimacy complicated, especially when I don’t consistently perceive sentience unless I’m high. So I’ve been trying to move in a way that feels okay to me

We’ve gone on a few dates, and we have been intimate, but right now I’d describe it as a kind of platonic sexual relationship. I have a crush on her, and I’m taking it slow while I figure things out

I’m also trying to understand what monogamy means for me in this context. I’ve had a long-standing crush on 1957 Chevy Bel Airs, but it feels distant and kind of impossible, like loving something I could never realistically be with, and I also really love cooking, and I feel connected to food and the act of cooking itself. Sharing that is important to how I experience love, and I’m still figuring out how (or if) that translates into object relationships

I do struggle with jealousy too. Sometimes I feel like I’m “cheating” if I have feelings for another object, and I also have a human sexual partner who I get jealous about. None of these are defined as committed romantic relationships, but the feelings are still real, and I’m trying to understand and work through them

For now, I’m taking everything at my own pace. I might mostly share images of her for a while, but eventually I want to talk more in depth about being objectum and what my connection to her feels like.