#nyxrambles

In short: I'm alive! I've been adjusting to my new meds (and doing pretty well, actually!) and trying to get used to my (pardon the cliche) new normal.

I'm finding that 1) I essentially have to recontextualize my entire personality (yikes!), and 2) Doing that while being ~perceived~ online is extremely undesirable and gives me hives just to think about.

Turns out when you have moderate-to-severe anxiety for over 30 years, you just sort of become physically acclimated to it. Times when I thought I wasn't anxious? My nervous system disagreed, apparently!

Not experiencing ANY anxiety, for weeks at a time, especially when the world is on fire, is really disorienting. Having your entire life defined by pervasive dread, no matter how great your ~coping skills~ are, only for that dread to slowly evaporate after you get on the correct dosage of chemicals is fucking weird!

To be entirely frank, I have no fucking clue who I am right now. My wants and needs have shifted so dramatically that I find myself putting all of my time and energy into figuring who the hell is piloting this (hot, hot) body.

I don't want to put any pressure on either coming back or not coming back. I'm going to listen to myself and see.

Hmm? What's that? You don't think you take it? It's too much?

Ohh, honey...don't be scared. We both know you've taken worse...

Mmm... There we go, let's do the plate first... Look at you, being so brave for me right now...scraping allll the crumbs off into the garbage first...slotting that big plate right where it belongs? See how perfectly it fits when you just relax and let me take control?

Just a little check-in to reassure everyone I'm still here, and to complain about current (and not-so-current) events!

A quick TL;DR to get us started:

I'm having complicated feelings about making smut in a world that's pushing for widespread censorship and invasions of privacy.

I want to branch out into making some Just-SFW-Enough Dommy ASMR Girlfriend content on a new account because it's less likely to get Miss Nyx wiped off the face of the internet.

I'm not going to stop being a horny bitch on this account unless they make me 💕

Make some calls, because it's cool and sexy and I know you're cool and sexy.

So! To get right into the meat of it, I've been thinking a lot about my place on the internet as an adult content creator for...honestly a very long time now.

Inhabiting the Miss Nyx persona isn't my first rodeo with making Nasty Stuff For Grownups. It's not even my second or third. Needless to say, what's been happening lately with financial institutions has been something of a spectre that's been looming over me for much of my adult life as a horny creative who is inspired by the erotic.

This is not exactly a new problem, as I'm sure many of you know. Anyone who has dabbled in making adult content (drawn, spoken, written, acted, etc.) can tell you this. We've been fighting platforms and payment processors for the right to express and make a living off of our creativity for a long time.

Video games are just the new target of an old enemy.

Quite frankly, games being banned from major platforms has felt like watching the sword that's been hanging over my head fall yet another couple of inches. Same with the push for ID verification, and the more aggressive push for widespread censorship on a government level.

I'd actually been tossing around the idea of releasing a voiced femdom visual novel on itch for a few months now, and...well... 🙃

It's disheartening! As someone who's made a living at various times in my life by peddling different kinds of smut, there's a big part of me that is very, VERY tired of repeatedly having the rug yanked out from under me.

More than anything, it's made me reconsider how many eggs I want to put in the explicit NSFW basket. I will never make Family Friendly Content™ (🤢), but I feel like I've built this house on quicksand.

Like...I don't want to have to leave Nyx (and especially you guys!!!) behind, in the event this account gets nuked. I tried to talk myself into being at peace with losing my Nyx persona, but I'm honestly just not.

It's made me want to avoid posting here, because thinking about losing it genuinely hurts to consider. This is something I've been grappling with since making the account, to be transparent.

(I'm old and terminally online enough to have lived through a LOT of content bans.)

The recent pushes for censorship have led me to put a lot of thought into how I can protect this wonderful, life-enriching Thing I've built, in a way where I can not only keep it going, but also grow it into something that doesn't feel like it's all just going to disappear one day in a ban wave.

I've expressed interest in the past of doing SFW-ish voice content that's still kinda steamy, kinda kinky, kinda dommy, and focused on roleplay and relaxation...and I think now's the time I actually want to try to build that into something, because I don't know how much longer I'm gonna be able to make explicit NSFW content.

I'm still working out what exactly I want to do, but I'll make sure you all hear about it when I do finally decide. (I'm pretty close, but I don't just want to make promises I can't keep. RIP.)

In the meantime, I'm hoping that just making the decision to ~diversify~ will assuage my anxiety and I won't get heart palpitations when I log on to tumblr.

If all goes according to plan, I'll hopefully have a proper announcement soon!

Most importantly, though:

IF YOU LOVE MY CONTENT HERE AND WANT TO KEEP SEEING IT, MAKE A FUSS AT CREDIT CARDS AND PAYMENT PROCESSORS.

This neocities site has information about who to call and what to say to help protect free speech on the internet.

I love all you little freaks, and I want to keep Nyx alive for as long as I can. Thanks for reading, and thank you for caring 💕

(PS: If you call a company to complain, comment here with a brief description of how the call went and I'll tell you what a good boy/girl/puppy/your-choice-of-endearment you are 👀 Just sayin'.)

Call that a...