#nypaec

What was really affirming all day is that all these guys were looking at me checking me out and cruising me, I haven't felt so attractive in a while, I don't know what it was about what I had on today that made them so receptive, but it was very good for my self-esteem which has been running low lately.

Oh while I am having this aside, I had an interesting chat with Tony. I was IM'ing with him about how I was going on a lunch date and we had a interesting conversation I will just paste it in here:

Bboyblue32: I have a lunch date.

TonyBklyn: well well.

Boyblue32: oh puhlease!

TonyBklyn: powdering yourself?

Boyblue32: It's with a friend I did volunteer work with.

Boyblue32: He is in town.

Boyblue32: Are you jealous?

TonyBklyn: No, I am not.

boyblue32: darn...

TonyBklyn: I haven't put a ring on your finger. we haven't even really discussed what "we" are doing.

Bboyblue32: This is true... isn't it

TonyBklyn: I'm not being negative.

Boyblue32: I know your not.

Boyblue32: I am just agreeing with you.

That was an interesting dialog, its been about five weeks that we have been seeing each other, I just checked my sex database. So anyway, I then went to the Warner Bro store to pick up so more slippers my Taz slippers are a little worn, but they said they were out! I was so bummed I really want a new pair. The next pair I get I am going to get the soles reinforced.

Then I wandered off to FAO Schwartz and got Adam the Barbie Collector's Item Wonder Woman, very cute doll, she has the cape and everything very very cute. I then stopped off in Crate & Barrel to check some of the furniture and saw this chest I am really feeling. By this time my feet were nearly bloody wearing my new J Crew shoes, trying to look cute!

Oops, I didn't upload this entry!

I went and took a nap and sort of left it sitting here, I was so exhausted it was disgusting. To add to this I am so happy to have a clothing rack again, you may not understand the significance of this, but I had a fire October 21, 1998 and at the time all my clothes were on a rack, and I lost all of the clothes in the fire. I didn't buy one stitch of new clothing for a year, and now just about two years later I have finally bought a clothing rack, so I am really happy with myself for making such bold steps and progress.

Some may think oh that was two years ago get over it, but with the history of loss in my life, this was another blow that was very hard to deal with, that and being homeless again, was not cute. With the strength of God and good friends I actually pulled thru, and Anastasia, God bless her heart was caught in the fire, she pulled thru too.

[Twenty-four years ago! #wow The biggest thing NOT being said in this entry is that I was miserable! I was the heaviest I had ever been in my short-lived adult life. The job I was working at would only last another month or two before laying me off. I was on the precipice of a huge life-change!

At the time I was making sixty-five thousand dollars a year, the most money I had ever made at that time in my career, I felt flush especially since my rent was a little over five hundred dollars. I had this thing called disposable income, and that is apparent in how much shopping I had done in this one day, spending money without a care.

I am also tickled at my avoiding my feelings for Stuart cause I still clearly had a crush on him, how many times can I say how good he looked? And then there's Tony who had been a one-night stand that had turned into a sort-of dating situation, which I can tell you didn't last. We just ended up being friends for over a decade before he eventually just begin to ghost me.

The last big revelation was the fire of '98 and how that emotionally impacted me. I haven't really thought about that fire and the future repercussions it would have on my entire building. The official cause was old wiring, and this lead the landlord to finally upgrade the electrical system of the entire building, we even got an intercom! Before you couldn't run a microwave and air conditioner at the same time, now we could run all the appliances and not trip the circuit breaker. I guess this sort of makes it my fault that my all-Black building became infested with young whyte women.

Lastly I also love the time capsule feel of the moment, albeit the internet was in its 1.0 phase, things like AOL's Instant Messenger were dominate communication platforms. The fact that I didn't just photograph those New Balancesneakers I wanted and do a reverse look-up wasn't even a concept back then, I had to go by memory.

It would be nearly twenty years before I got my first New Balance sneakers, and bare-feet is now the norm in my home after my new floors were installed. My clothing racks have been replaced with shelves that have built in racks. My experience and relationship to my space has changed so much in the last quarter century I can say definitively I have made a lot of progress and growth during this time.