#nspeight

I never meant to bury you with the sand from within the hole I was trying to dig myself out of.

I only meant to free myself so I could lift you up and out.

At some point I must have lost sight of what my goal had been

I only want to arise out of the depths with your hand in mine victorious.

But all we did was bury each other.

I had been so focused on how I thought that you were trying to bury me that I failed to realize I had completely exahusted all of your energy and you’re the only hope you had of making it out alive was for me to drown first.

I lost sight of you.

I wanted to be enough, but my constant need for your attention was so exahusting.

My constant dumping and judging was knocking the wind from your lungs, but you stuck around because you thought you could save me from myself.

I did not think you loved me any more and I certainly could not love myself , how could you love me.

I need to love myself.

I need to love myself enough to throw sand in the other direction and pull you up from the pit of selfishness I had been drowning you in.

I needed to turn in the other direction and walk away.

Maybe for you I was a means to and end, but I never wanted to lose you.

At some point I let you take on all of the authority and power, and I lost myself so deeply I could not see your resentment.

Instead of owning who I had become I just grew to hate myself alongside you.

Validating your feelings in the most toxic way.

We both grew to hate me together.

I could no longer see the validation I do desperately sought from you

I started spewing my anger to anyone who did not have deaf ears.

I let people who loved you hate you for me,

Because I was to weak to hate you, and too busy hating myself, I just became a plague.

Toxic.

I can never take back a second of what has been done.

I can never justify my actions in this,

But I can walk away, let you heal, and let you free from the sand I’ve been throwing in your face.

I can let the stale air out of the house we once called our home because I can close the door behind me, and I will leave a window open.

I hope that you are able to breathe and bask in newness.

Breathe with out fear or anxiety.

My sexuality locked in the closed my whole life

The word lesbian and gay were so taboo

I heard the words my parents said about my sister

Heart broken unnatural disgusting

I did not want to break their hearts or fill them with disgust

So instead I broke my own heart

Over and over I pretend I was someone I was not

So angry with myself that it leaked into my every day conversation

bitter

Bitter is a word I would use to describe the person I had become

Still locked in the closet unknowing when I would be free

Suddenly there were Brown eyes locking with mine a smile that literally knocked the air out of my lungs

The way she smelt every time she walked past me so intoxicating

She made my heart dance

There were other girls before but none that made such an impression

She told me I was beautiful

She would stare at me from across the building until I felt she was looking through me

Those brown eyes and that laugh

God so many times you told me I was beautiful

You starting telling me you were going to take me on a date

A date

But god the way she looked at me

You started touching my arm when you would talk to me .

Putting your hand in the small of me back and god you would tell me i am beautiful and made me feel it

So many times you told me you were gonna make me your wife and I would fall in love with you

But god I was there

God when you poured me a drink and flirted with me all night I wanted you to take me on that date to pull me out of the closet I had been hiding in in fear of being disgusting and unnatural

But you touched my bare stomach and things and went to kiss me and I wanted to kiss you with everything I was and I froze

Your brown eyes darkened and you just held me

We went out as friends and I spent hours getting dressed up for you and when our other company left

I looked at you and you leaned in and I kissed you

And you pulled me out of the closet I had been so accustomed to hiding in and you kissed me

The kind of kiss people only experience through songs and movies the kind of kiss people dream about

God I already knew I love you from the first time you told me I was beautiful

When I saw your brown eyes from across the store and your smile

Of god I was drunk in love with you

You kissed me

And all my bitterness melted away

Thank you for making me your wife