#noxaeterna

6) how is your life different now from two years ago

For starters I’m actually enjoying life. Two years back I just finished my second semester of at UCF (U. Central Florida) and moved back home with my dad. At university I went through the worst bout of mental health issues I’ve ever encountered. I gained a significant amount of weight and decimated my finances in the process. At my worst, I spoke to no one and skipped classes for 3 weeks in total isolation.

Things have gotten significantly better. As of now I’m down about 75 pounds, in the best shape of my life (not to be confused with lowest weight), working on my eventual transfer to UF, and doing everything I can to improve myself. I’d say the most important factor in my transformation is the transition from seeking external meaning/validation to deriving meaning from within. This shift in perspective allowed me to exert control over myself/my enviroment.

11) what are your ambitions

I would like to do something with either mathematics, physics, chemistry, or cognitive science. As of now I don’t care about making contributions to these fields since I’m trying to discover what I love to work with. I thought I loved Philosophy enough to pursue it beyond an associates degree. Long story short I don’t. I’ve since decided to pursue the maths/sciences route.

I used to invest too much of my happiness in other people and suffered dearly in the name of altruism, idealism, and compassion. I decided about a year ago that people should enhance my happiness instead of determine it.  My greatest ambition is to be the sole vessel for my happiness. I want to revel in my presence and my presence alone. I have made bleak discoveries about what this goal truly entails but I think it’s what’s best for me.

I want to self actualize as much as possible. I have a grand vision of who I want to be and strive to make progress every day. I will bring the contents of my inner self to fruition.

17) what ‘small things’ things terrify you

1) Seeing someone behind me while driving only to lose sight of them after turning away for a moment. I know that they made a turn or something but for a brief second I doubt that the car/person driving the car were ever really there.

2) Waking up to the thought that I overslept. Conversely, reading 6:17 when I need to be at work by 11 is the greatest thing ever.

3) Misplacing my keys. Holy shit I’ve torn my room apart only to find them in my pocket.

4) Thinking one of my indoor cats got outside without me knowing. I’ll think one of the furry bastards got outside when they’re just curled up in a box or something.