May 13, 2015

My girl, T is a genius. Like a certified guru. Nothing bad has every happened to me in her presence. To be fair “bad things” don’t ever really “happen to me”, but you get my drift. During one of our recent ask & tells we were trading dating stories and began talking about what constitutes being ‘ready to date’. There were some givens, mainly medical clearance and access to the internet. But at some point I found myself saying something new. “Who decided that it’s either you’re ready to partner or you’re working on yourself?”. T turned to me, paused, and asked me “Say that one more time?”. I said it, slower. Then she said it. Then I paused. 

Why do we believe that it’s one or the other? And that one comes first? The way we interact informs what we know about ourselves. There is “single work” to be done in the partnering. You CAN have your cake and eat it, too. You just have to commit to cake, in general. Per usual, T got me thinking… 

The prevailing wisdom of female singleness, and perhaps other genders as well, is that you cannot continue to become your best self while dating or in a new relationship. I admit to believing this lie. I’m not sure who tells us this, but if I try and find a subliminal directive, my mind is drawn to television, all print ads, any movie with a woman in it, toothpaste commercials, the Cheez-Its box, and contemporary pop literature. Characters and archetypes get comfortable being themselves and being alone then their perfect mate arrives and they know them right away. Or a couple is well-matched, accepts each other’s flaws, and tells the other how they were a mess and lost when they met but now that they’ve been together for 14 years or whatever, their mate makes them a better person and has brought out a side of themselves they never would’ve found alone. 

As you can imagine this narrative left me with the foregone conclusion that singlehood and partnership are a linear, two-step process. Heal and build yourself (up to the halfway mark and no further) then find someone to fill you up. The extension of this mythology has created the practice of dating in search of human shards. Broken pieces, works in progress, “potential”, and emotional projects. Squirreling around in that pile of information is the message to all of us that being unpartnered means you are not enough, or too picky, or damaged, or rigid, or not desirable, or worst of all… too whole. Your wholeness has made you happy and now your are too whole and happy to be loved.

Here’s a concept: date someone who’s whole, even if you’re not. Sow your seeds next to their plants and water your crops together. Have cake (bring a sweetie into your life) and eat it (nourish yourself and your needs), too.

Just try it,