#nova.writes

can you imagine a love so secure that it holds a future behind it?

can you imagine a love so mutual that it has no doubts?

can you imagine a love so unexpected that it brings you hope?

can you imagine a love so strong that it fills you with patience?

can you imagine the person you're in love with?

do you feel purity, security, mutuality, hope, strength, and patience?

It can’t drown the thoughts, but I still try.

Scrubbing my head as if the soap will seep into the corners of my mind.

Wisps of hair come with every attempt of ripping out the bad.

They add up into clumps.

Slipping off my body and into the drain where I wish the thoughts would go too.

But maybe if I scrub a little harder.

The conditioner comes next to soften whatever hair is left.

Soften the results of the torment it went through.

Condition it into thinking that everything will be okay.

The thoughts can be flipped.

The conditioner will wash away too.

Maybe if I scrub a little harder.

Washing my body is trying to cleanse the stains of sorrow as if they won’t come back the next day.

All the dirt and oils can leave but we know it’s only temporary.

Am I really clean?

Maybe if I scrub a little harder.

I can turn off the hot water but the heat is still there.

A towel can only cover so much of my regret.

The mirrors are all fogged and the silhouette of a body stands there.

The pain is still visible even when the dirt isn’t.

Midday showers are only midday when you can tell time.

When’s the middle of the day when you’re waking up three or four times a night wishing you were clean?

dear xbb, i am so glad you've stopped trying to come into my life. you only ever use me as a venting source and then fall for me just because i was the hole you poured your sorrow in. i hope you're doing well. forgive me for all the lies i have told you, xbb.

dear b, you and i should put the past behind us. but you came out of nowhere and it completely blindsided me, and it still rings in my ears. if that's what you meant to do, congratulations, but what would did you gain from that? talk to me if you'd like, but know i won't allow you to hurt me. forgive me for being apprehensive, b. what the fuck

dear d, i wish we could have worked something out! you are trying to be a better boyfriend and a better friend, and I'm so glad you care so deeply for me. I just wish I could tell you that I've fallen in love with you. a mediocre friend, a mediocre lover, but i feel we could have worked something out. i am glad we still have a slight friendship, but i do miss i love your sweetness, your heart, your hands, and your hugs. forgive me for my overthinking and overwhelming emotions, d.

i hope you mean it.