#nova.chronicles

wendy was looking much healthier now. it was a relief of sunmi’s to know that she didn’t have to worry about the other as much. they only had a week to fine tune any nicks and hiccups in their performances. sunmi couldn’t afford to have to back pedal to make sure no one else was falling apart. if they were, they either didn’t come to her or did a damn good job of hiding it. the truth was, the close they came to the finale the more and more tired sunmi felt. she was exhausted and probably didn’t have the emotional capacity to try and shoulder someone else’s problems.

they were almost done. she just wanted it to be over.

she wasn’t expecting hui to join her on one of her broodier days but she welcomed the company. the two eldest of the girls and boys respectively. for a moment they were together in silence then in the next, hui said in almost a whisper, “what if only the girlss or boyss will get to debut?” sunmi’s shoulders rolled back and she stiffened. she played with this scenario in her mind many times. she tortured herself with it.

hyun bin believed he was being so innovative by making a show in which both genders compete to debut. it was to generate public attention and hype. it was to get the popularity that nova had lost over the years because he so carelessly decided not to debut a group outright. what he didn’t care to think of was how many trainees were suffering from this. how many of them were banking on this; both male and female trainees were desperate at this point. half and half. if one goes, the other is at a loss. five years. sunmi can’t do this anymore and she knows she can’t.

her eyes glaze over a bit. she looks a bit distant. there’s some sort of ache in her chest. regret. “then i signed away another 2 years for no reason. i’ll be 28 by the time i’m done with nova and if we don’t debut now i sure as hell know i won’t be debuted then. i’ll have wasted my time and life at this company and i hate that this is the scenario for more than just me.”

he doesn’t say something. looking at him through her peripherals tells her he was stewing over her response. she turns to him as he speaks again. “you think this month will be the end of the line for me?” sunmi wants to scoff. she wants to laugh and tell him he’s being ridiculous. but is he though? they were both here, red vests even after everything they’ve put into this company. told that they were disappointing despite being masters of their specific creed. they’re not ready. not good enough. humiliated. ignored.

maybe huidong wasn’t crazy for thinking so because sunmi was almost certain that no matter what she did, she was still going to be the one going home.

“you?” she shakes her head. “probably not. i’ve been saying this from the beginning that i felt like this was going to be a boys thing. nova boys. seems like the way to go, no? i wouldn’t be surprised if after all this when we watch the show itself that it’s edited for the boys favour mostly while the girls are given smaller snippets.” she doesn’t want to sound bitter but she can’t help it. how many years have gone by that the nova girls have been given the shorter end of the stick? even if nova has done things that were shared between the two genders, who always had the greater opportunities? the boys. it’s been that way for years and she doubts it’ll change now.

“what’re they going to do without you? what would they even kick you off for? for saying you’re too old?” sunmi scoffs. the idea sounds so laughable to her. “then that’s nova’s fault for taking years to even do something. if they did this years ago, your age wouldn’t be the question.” huidong nods although she’s not sure if it’s because he agrees or because he’s noting that he’s listening to her. sunmi sighs.

“i’m sad bambam got eliminated,” huidong says after a moment. sunmi looks up at him in alarm. “hui opp--”

“as a hyung it was my responsibility.”

sunmi shakes her head, reaching out to touch his arm and grab his attention. “no.” she says this firmly. “it’s not. we feel that need to protect and herd them so we feel that personal responsibility when we lose one or if they fall apart but we cannot take that as a personal fault. it’s not our job to at this moment to make sure they all excel. it’s theirs. we may be a team but it’s time they sink or swim on their own. you can’t take that on yourself.”

for a moment she expects huidong to counter her. to say that she was wrong and it was his fault. that he should have gone home instead or ensured that bambam did better. instead he says she was right. “maybe that’s what hyun bin was trying to tell me.”

sunmi shakes her head and scoffs. “who knows what that man is trying to say.”

at some point, sunmi overhears a conversation in which kaeun says she wasn’t sorry for taking a spot in the safe zone. she wouldn’t give up her chance for it. sunmi realises that if she cared more (or if this was a version of herself from a couple of years ago) she would have gotten angry. insulted. probably would have rounded the corner, curses blazing to tell kaeun off with how insensitive she sounded. the truth was, kaeun was right.

none of them would feel sorry for being safe. none of them would give a moment to look back. because even if sunmi took the time to tell the girls that they should do their damn best, that they got this in them and whatever other encouragements she had for them, they still avoided the blue vests like the plague. awkward. possibly envious. and it was sunmi who wasn’t fazed in the end.

instead the elder nods. she only says, “you should never be sorry,” as she passes. it was the only tidbit she gave to the conversation.

sunmi wasn’t expecting a thank you from wendy. it was a surprise. it came up out of the blue after they wrapped up a group practise together before branching off to to individual work. sunmi almost reminded wendy that there was no need to thank her. she would always check to make sure that they were okay. that always went without saying.

wendy insisted regardless and sunmi found herself rolling her eyes (playfully) and pulling the younger into a hug. “i love you all very much, okay? i always want to make sure you guys are doing your best.” she mumbles against wendy although she’s sure their mics had no problem picking that up.

“you picked up your freestyle really well,” sunmi said with a smile as jungwoo finished what sunmi promised to be his last full run of the dance for her satisfaction. “you know you’re going to do phenomenal at the live show, right?”

perhaps it was the approach of the end of this hellish nightmare for them that was making her feel more sentimental than not. even if her demeanor is sometimes stand offish, she opens up well with most, if not all of them. perhaps it was more than just different for jungwoo in particular considering their complex relationship took quite a bit of time to reach where it is now: a point where they could consider each other friends.

the younger boy turns to her, the confusion clear on his face. “noona are you feeling okay?” sunmi rolls her eyes, playfully (and lightly) smacking at his arm. he still blinks at her like he wasn’t sure she was being truthful. sunmi chooses to ignore his expression (and stomps down the urge to call him out on it). instead she adjusts his gold vest so it was straightened and fixes his hair so it’s more orderly. “i’m perfectly fine, jungwoo. i’m just really proud of you okay?”

when she pulls back to look at the younger she’s surprised to see tears in his eyes. if she said something wrong she wasn’t expecting tears. annoyance, maybe but not anything worth crying over. sunmi sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. “god, why are you crying right now?”

"i’m just tired you made me do this dance like five times in a row!” he whined defensively. sunmi knew better.

she lightly flicks his forehead. “idiot. go wipe your face. there’s no need to cry.”

in a feeble attempt to do what she says he wipes his eyes with his sweater sleeve but his face is still pink and tears are still forming. she shakes her head, moving closer to wipe his tears herself. “i’m tired too but you’re doing great,” she says with a smile, knowing it probably did nothing but provoke even more tears from the younger. he looks ready to complain again and she laughs, pulling him to a hug. “you need to stop teasing me, noona,” he says petulantly although he hugs her back. she pats his head. “yeah but no one can tease you as well as i can.”

the day of the live concert came far too quickly. there was the pre-performance jitters as always. they always mildly plagued the elder but it was never something so incredible that she inhibited her from actually doing the performance. she was happy that the first performance of the night was dancing. hyun bin could slander her skills all he wanted but at least the live audience would be impressed with her dancing (and maybe her performance in the group too) before their ceo trashes her once again in front of thousands of people.

live.

she tried not to be bitter that day. she couldn’t let her negative emotions overwhelm her. just a couple more hours from now and this would be all over. she needed to make it through the end. if she could just do it without breaking down completely she would consider it a success.

getting ready probably took a lot longer than she anticipated. in the salon chair, sunmi was just about ready to fall asleep in the chair. thankfully between performances she wasn’t going to get much done to her hair and makeup. she would be groggy from the mini naps if that were the case.

in the very least she was wide awake because of the electricity in the air. nerves, excitement. everyone seemed pumped. it kept sunmi awake (after her hair was done). maybe the nerves overrode the excitement that their trials were coming to an end. they still didn’t know what they were competing for. they know who was doing best for the boys and girls however they didn’t know the overall ranking. where did both genders stand in one ranking? were the boys doing better than the girls? who was the best overall trainee of them?

sunmi had a feeling they were going to learn this after their performances were over.

“we’re almost done,” she tells hyuna as they’re getting their makeup done. when the artist goes to grab a different brush sunmi takes the opportunity to turn to her. “are you nervous or are you excited?” everyone seems to be a blend of both though for the danger zone people - now finally without their red vests - it was a conflicting feeling.

sunmi has a feeling that by the end of this, she’s still going to be ranked low. she feels it. it’s like inevitability. it was the only thing she’s heard since coming to nova. criticisms. it was never that she was good enough or praised. she wasn’t rewarded like she was in sphere. it wasn’t the same. she was fully prepared for hyun bin to tell her she stays in her danger zone position and she’s out of the running to debut. the old man thinks he’s being dramatic or cute by doing such a thing. it would only make him an idiot for benching a veteran trainee. one that he’d surely lose after this, at that.

sunmi doesn’t voice this to hyuna, however. she lets the cynical thoughts circle in her mind. the thoughts that left her (apologetically) distracted that she didn’t get hyuna’s answer. instead she reaches across their makeup chairs to grab her hand and squeeze it. “ash,” she starts in english, “no matter what happens...” she finishes in korean, “you did so amazingly well. you made it to the end. that’s something to be proud of, okay? it’s an accomplishment.” if hyuna loses, it wouldn’t feel like much of an accomplishment because she wasn’t debuting. sunmi wouldn’t fault her if she ultimately felt that way. but she knows that it’s what a lot of them need right now: being told that they did well. if hyun bin wasn’t going to be that person then so be it.

sunmi was fine with standing in and doing just that.

they were ready to go up for the “intro” of the concert so to speak. they had practised this specific routine for the last two weeks. sunmi hoped this all served them well and that hopefully the order does them some good. suddenly sunmi thinks they should have considered dancing skill comparison when choosing the order so nobody gets upstaged but it’s too late the back track now.

sunmi has her pinky looped around wendy’s as they stand off waiting for the cue to go on stage. the urge of softness and kindness hasn’t left her all month, especially when she seems so set on her next move should this end badly. it was best to get all the kindness out now before sunmi (inevitably) turns sour from this experience.

“you know, wen, i am so proud of you,” she tells the younger in english. a number of the nova girls spoke english as well so it wasn’t like she was attempting to disguise her conversation. it just felt more natural between them to speak in the language they both shared. she looked down at wendy, who was looking back up at her with wide eyes. “i am. you really pulled yourself together. you’re going to kill it today, you understand? you’re going to do amazing and i couldn’t be prouder. i love you a lot.”

there was something about telling people things that they don’t believe themselves: they cry. they’re not prepared for people to tell them that because it’s been so long since they heard an affirmation like that that they stopped believing. jungwoo cried, hyuna cried and now wendy had tears threatening to spill as well. sunmi was quick to reach for a napkin to dab at the tears. wendy laughed despite her tears.

“you know, sunmi unnie, the last person to tell me that was my mum.” sunmi paused, looking at wendy. “on our last phone call together. that’s what she told me too.” sunmi felt her heart twist. of course she wasn’t anyones real mother in nova. some “kids” only were a year younger than her. in hyuna and solji’s case they were the same age as sunmi so it wasn’t like she was their mother either. but to the younger ones; the ones with a clear age gap between them like sunmi and wendy’s 5 years, sunmi was a parental figure away from home. haknyeon has said it multiple times (even going as far as to openly call her ‘mom’ several times), ricky at one point had commented it as well.

sunmi didn’t want kids. she’s not sure that stance will ever change. (it’s not like she can have them anyways, while dating jinkyung.) but even if she ever changed her mind she already has so many with the people in nova. it was enough for her.

sunmi never thought that nova would amount to sphere. she was right. by company standards, nova will never mean to her what sphere did. but the people? the people are just as much family as the old sphere trainees were. the nova trainees were her favourite and only pro to being in nova. they’re the reason she stays time and time again. maybe it’s time to let the birds leave the nest. or, rather, for the mama to.

sunmi doesn’t think about it for the rest of the night.

she dances her ass off. she was being serious when she said that dances made for girl groups were always lack lustre and boring to watch. they were meant to show how sexy and pretty the girls were as if that’s all they were capable of doing. sunmi not only kicked down that stereo type but she choke slammed it with her tough popping centre dance.

screw girls only being sexy for their freestyles while boys get to be impressive. it wasn’t cool nor fair and sunmi wasn’t about to play into the agenda of being just eye candy when debut was at stake. she wasn’t sure if they were going to catch her pop up jump at the very end but god she’d be so angry if it doesn’t make it into the episode cut. it was the best part. sometimes camera work was notorious for being extraordinarily shitty. she didn’t suffer with bruised legs for them to not catch it.

truthfully sunmi wasn’t a fan of either song. though they were clearly supposed to represent 2 different vibes they were ultimately the same. although omona was more overtly feel good and cute, it still had these elements of maturity and sensuality that made the slow-paced song just a bit odd for sunmi. while hush was clearly supposed to be more sexy (at least that’s what parts of the choreography suggested) but there were parts that were just....cute. or was it the way the girls sang it that it sounded very cutesy to sunmi’s ears?

she tried not to be pessimistic especially when she felt like the boys were going to have something more energetic and diverse in sound that the girls were going to pale in comparison. it wouldn’t be fair in the end because these were songs they were handed but at least it would confirm to sunmi that the girls were always set up to fail in lieu of the boys taking centre of the entire project itself. it only left her to be annoyed as to why hyun bin would do all this but she couldn’t get ahead of herself. they had two original songs to perform. so for just about 8 minutes, sunmi would have to put on a mask and perform as if she’s all-in with the song. idols did it all the time. she can do it for her final live performances of the super nova project at the very least.

sunmi felt antsy.

she was glad to get their final performance out of the way but now this meant for their coaches and ceo to deliberate live in real time and deliver the results. there wasn’t any doubt that hyun bin was going to drag this on for suspense but sunmi was really ready to get this over with.

she kept saying this. maybe if she convinced herself enough that she wanted this over with she’d be less disappointed when it actually was. the mantra kept playing over and over in her head. sunmi even had a bit of trouble staying still in her spot. her bed was so close yet so far. she needed to know the nightmare was over.

then finally they got ready to start. this was it. it was time. sunmi figures it’ll take just about ten or fifteen minutes for the final results and explanations to come out. then, after that they will be free to go. free to collect their phones and free to pack he hell up and sleep. she was ready she was so ready for it.

the minute the nova ceo got ready to speak, sunmi felt her stomach drop. maybe she was bullshitting herself. because in that moment, seeing the microphone in his hand she realised: sunmi wasn’t ready to hear the final fate of her career. this was her last shot and his words had more weight than even he realised.

she was especially excited for the reaction to their blood, sweat & tears stage. it was a remix to the original song that hyuna and wendy made. because the song was different, sunmi altered (greatly altered) the choreography to make it suitable to the new sound. she’s not expecting to get praised for their creativity but she hopes it’s something to be considered when they’re ranking everyone in the end.

it would be a lie to say that sunmi was 100% confident that they would do the best. there were other teams that probably had stronger set ups. at the end of the day, not everyone had the same arrangement of skills in their group. it wouldn’t be the same for everyone. that’s why sunmi was a little happy that they had a diverse lineup. the skill match-ups in each song varied. in one song the killing point was the dance, the other vocals, one had a rap and vocal killing point. it was diverse.

she had a good feeling about it. at least this time they had more of a choice with where things were going. she’d be damned if she was going to hear hyun bin say their choices were weak a second time. but they were in territory of individual evaluations so it was very much so a possibility that hyun bin would destroy the esteem of whomever his target was and tell them that they were weak instead.

sunmi wasn’t sure what content they were getting at this point during the concert. would they only show the performances and nothing else or would they catch shots of them getting ready in the mirrors, joking and playing around to calm their nerves? who knows what they were filming at this rate. someone might like it (maybe like one person) but how many people would want to know what they were doing back stage in between performances they actually wanted to see? then again, it was going on youtube. they could easily show a behind the scenes video.

every time her team goes up to perform, she says a quick “we got this!” before going on stage just to keep morale up. though there was nothing to really bring them down. everyone outside was expecting a performance. they were getting the cheers regardless. it was a good feeling.

sunmi was obviously feeling good. she was nothing but smiles and good vibes all day both on stage and off. she wished everyone luck before their performances and she was genuinely proud when they came back downstairs looking accomplished. now for them to go back to the dorms for a few days and wait for hyunbin’s evaluations to burst everyone’s good feelings.