#notvent

Sometimes I wonder just how driven someone can be. How far will someone go to get what they want? I think we all know that depends on the person.

I’ve been told a lot of things when it comes to pursuing a goal. The way I pursue things is usually different than any advice I get, though.

My goal?...

...it’s a lot of different things. I want to come out of my shell more; I want to be less anxious in life; I want my art to improve; I want to be truthful with (my close) family and tell them about my orientation; I want to break the norms; travel the world; have a good job, have kids of my own one day, whether by adoption or birth...

And I want to defeat my step mother at her own game.

These are all things I’ve pursued for awhile. I always find myself asking myself though: just how determined am I? What matters the most to me?

I like to think the people I care about are the most important goal in mind. Wouldn’t you agree? It’s funny, watching those who scramble for power instead of their family and friends around them.

I’m weird.

A lot of times I wish I could say something to people, about how I feel, sad or not, and yet, I can’t. I’ll be typing something, and I’ll just randomly delete it, or thinking something, and never speak.

I’m not sure why that is.

Every time I mention this, every time something’s going on, it gets worse, too. Not just for me, but for those around me. I’m getting redundant. Like a lost cause. Annoying, almost.

The thought of me bothering people with it despite the fact that it doesn’t is redundant in itself. I’ve trapped myself in this vicious cycle to the point where speaking my mind is getting harder and harder to do. Even the big things I’ve sorta just shut up about in hopes of nobody telling me to try and man up or get help fight it.

For some reason, I hate hearing those things, those “words of encouragement”. It drives me insane. It doesn’t matter, anyways. By this point I’ve made what I’m going through pretty clear to my family and friends... and both me and them know the solution: seeing a counselor.

I don’t know why I can’t.

I have a legitimate problem communicating... I wonder how after all this time, that’s literally the basis of my type of autism, whether it be speech problems or saying the right things.

I’m actually fine right now, by the way. This is almost like... one of my journal entries. Except it’s here. On the internet. I don’t care, though. I need the practice. I need to stop making up excuses for not talking to people.

Anyways, that’s it. I’m done.