#notsomerry

Ellie has become increasingly aggressive towards Kennedy and it's breaking my heart and soul right now.

I know how amazing she can be, in better circumstances, but I'm terrified we won't find that.

And I'm terrified she's going to feel like we abandoned her and that we don't love her.

Christmas is about family, and my family is a bit broken.

This is the third year without my father around.

This is the fifth year without my oldest brother around.

I am too old to believe in Santa Claus.

Most families have kind of a Christmas week, I would say. They see their relatives and give gifts and have dinners and all that good stuff. My family doesn’t do that. It’s just the four of us on the 25th.

I can’t remember the last time I woke up to a room full of presents. It’s not even about the presents. It’s not about the gifts at all, actually. My family really can’t afford Christmas. We don’t get gifts galore. We don’t travel. We don’t give out gifts to others because we simply can’t.

So, I guess, all I really and truly have is the snow. The beauty of winter. The satisfying feeling of going sledding and then sitting in front of the TV watching movies with peppermint hot chocolate in hand.

Not even THAT happened this year, which really really sucked.

On the other hand, I should not be complaining. Oh no, I should totally not be complaining. Especially when my mom works so hard. She kicks ass, that woman. I love her for it. 

You know what we need? We need traditions. Time to establish some random, silly Szot family tradition that happens on Christmas. aww yiss.