#notreallyawriter

                                             Trigger Warning!

This is about depression and what my depression is like in my head. Please do not read if this will trigger you or your depression or other mental illness.

Title: Him

Author: J the Dino

I can't concentrate. The sadness has taken over all of my basic functions. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I don’t know what to do. It's hard to consider it real, it feels like I'm in a fog that never clears. But when someone else is around, I have to hide the fog. It's just a natural response, “Hide what's wrong with you, don’t let them see!” I've heard people ask what it's like to be sad or “depressed”. Some people describe it as a fog or a nothingness feeling, some can’t even describe it. For me, it can be described as a fog or darkness, in my mind I can see when he comes, he moves around me slowly and waits for an opportunity to attack. Once he attacks, I'm under his control. I remember in the 10th grade sitting in a chair not being able to move, I couldn’t even talk to my sister who was trying to continue talking to me. I heard her, I understood her, I just completely lost control over being able to move or speak. At times like these, it’s hard to actually be happy, when my family or friends see me, I look normal. He lets me interact and talk normally to people I love, but he always lets me know he's watching. That's why I can’t get help, he’ll attack when he hears words he doesn’t like. He’s such a horrible creature that won't leave my head, I used to think he left, but it’s almost like he was just in hibernation. But ultimately, he will win. He knows what he's doing as if he’s done this before. He’s told me that no one can save me. He’s left me wondering why I'm still here if he has control, he doesn't let me think too hard about this but when I get to, I think he’s left me here to keep control as if he craves having control over me. He doesn’t want anything bad to happen, he just wants control. I wish I understood more about this. If I did then I would know why I'm not allowed to talk with new people without thinking they hate me. Maybe if I knew more about this, I would be able to tell people and help others. I heard that it's not just me, other family members of mine have the darkness. I wish I knew what their darkness is like, it seems quite like mine since none of them talk about it except one. But I’m not allowed to think too much about her, I think he's scared Ill figure it out.  When he leaves, I sometimes think of what life would have been like if he didn’t find me. Maybe I would be happy, good at studying, maybe I would have plenty of friends, a boyfriend, a good life. Sometimes I wonder why he lets me think of what my life could be, I've come to the conclusion that its a form of torture; letting me think of something I will never be able to have. The worst part about all of this is that my family doesn’t know, they think I'm happy and a normal person. I can’t blame it on them that they don’t know, it's not their fault. Even when I'm fine, I'm not…

So I’m starting this thing, I will begin to tumble. I will tumble down a rabbit hole whose depths are incomprehensible. My own, personal rabbit hole is quite deep. Please, feel free to enter it. Enter my hole.

What.

I am a 29 year old male, give or take (mostly give if my perception of time is correct) for the correct passage of time since this is posted and you are reading it. The usual.

I am a Culinary Arts and Service Management (bachelor’s) graduate of Paul Smith’s College in Upstate New York. It was a bad idea. More on that later. The only thing I did gain is a plethora (under 10) of lifelong (for now) friends that have changed me in ways incalculable. Would I even be the same person had I not gone to that school and met those people? I was a husk in high school, a pupae if you will. I don’t remember having any discernible personality, at least not to my knowledge. College is what did it for me. College sculpted the lump of clay (not literally, I’m still fat) that I was in high school into something sharply dull, sarcastically straightforward, and understandably oxymoronic. With a flair for dramatic wordplay which doesn’t always make sense. Hey, I understand it.

Ignoring my excursions into the culinary, I also enjoy gaming both tabletop and electronic, reading as many books as I have time for, and most recently pouring my imagination onto paper. I am told the contents of my mind are both original and interesting, so I began to write down all of my ideas for a Dungeons and Dragons campaign I was writing awhile ago that never came together. It was a future fantasy setting, taking place a millennium in our (real world mankind’s) future. The idea was simple, make an infinite universe in which anything can happen. An unlimited sandbox for my and my players’ imagination to run wild. The introduction of magic and fantasy elements into a science fiction setting (or advancing the clock on the classic D&D setting by a couple millennia) would provide an atmosphere for this to happen. I told the would-be players to think of whatever they wanted to be, either race or class, and I would come up with a workaround for the rules. They could make up their own people, places, things, classes, spells, etc. I would balance it.

This brings me to why I’m starting this tumble. I started compiling these notes and stories into a possible book-type thing. The goal is to write a series. The sky is the limit. I will use this social media platform to display this junk-n-stuff for all to see, provided anyone goes looking.

It’s late now, and I have a 12 hour shift on a saute line starting at 9am.