The reason I like colorkiller is because it features two people with complicated thoughts and struggles trying to help each other, but one rejects the help and closeness while the other insists and pressures, because that's what killer needs to know that he's wanted, that he's pursued, that he's loved. killer wants to help color with his struggles too in some point, but color thinks he can handle it on his own. this makes killer feel rejected by him and that he can't trust him really, wich some people will see as selfish, why would it be selfish to want something reciprocal? I'm relying on you completely, I want you to rely on me sometimes too. it's not color's intention to make him feel like this, he doesn't understand this at first bc he's not a mind reader, also bc he don't think it's necessary for him to open up when he knows he can still be useful for killer without doing it, bc killer needs the attention more than him, he need this more than him, is what he truly believes. the kind of connection killer "seek" and wants is something that conflicts him, bc even him hasn't realized this yet, about his needs. also because when he realizes how color makes him feel he convinces himself that he doesn't want it, that he doesn't need it, but above all... that he doesn't deserve it, because he doesn't want to hurt color, because he doesn't want to be a burden to him, and because he's afraid of affection, basically like a stray dog. this is one of the reasons why he needs this connection so much, this mutual reliance on each other, to develop this trust and not feel alone, because the only feeling that killer knows fully is loneliness. color in other hand, he's used to being self sufficient and doing things on his own, so, carrying killer's pain isn't a problem for him, the reason of why he doesn't open up to him is because, subconsciously, he doesn't want to burden killer with anything else until he can deal with his own issues, being a fairly independent person, he feels that his problems are trivial, such as complaining about something bad that happened during the day, he accumulates everything, meditates on everything, and deals with it on his own. it's not that he doesn't want to accept killer's closeness, it's that he is used to be optimal, he have funcional depression, he had to be functional, the world wasn't going to stop just because he stopped, so he was forced to keep walking with this mindset, being the responsible one, bc "he doesn't really have a reason to be sad," it's not that he doesn't want to open up, but deep down I feel that color is scared too, "what would happen if he saw my vulnerability too? I can handle his, I can handle everything, but if he sees that I'm scared, then he will scared too, if he sees that I'm insecure, he'll be insecure too, you should let me deal with this, I can do it, why don't you let me, why are you mad? what am I doing wrong? please.. tell me.. talk to me" he wants killer to talk to him, but color needs to speak too, otherwise, killer will feel distant, foreign, disconnected "you know everything about me, but I feel like I don't know you at all" it's a process they're going through together, probably it will be difficult for color to realize that he's scared too
