Here I am at an Albert’s having breakfast and planning out my day. I need to meal prep for the week and I want to clean out my car. Writing out the smalls steps makes things easier.

I’m writing away my note but the whole time, I’m itchy. I have these rashes that come and go but lately I feel like it’s more chronic and in more places. Used to be here and there. Then like weekly. Then every other night or so. Then night. And now it’s the entire day.

I’m a bit of a hypochondriac. When something’s wrong with me I have to find out why. So I have an appointment on Tuesday to go over other health stuff From last month that’s been stressing me and this escalating rash. This appointment was made at beginning of month. I’ve been anxious. February was bad and waiting through this month has been the thing looming over me.

Right now I’m just thinking. It might be the moldy bathroom or my dusty car. I did change the detergent last week but it’s the no dye no fragrance kind. Maybe I just need to do my laundry somewhere else. But people are home and I don’t want to answer questions like where are you taking all your dirty clothes. I don’t think it’s any of those things. I think it’s stress and internalizing things. I am hard on myself.

Ive been decluttering, regorganizing, and throwing things away. Seeing my old things makes me think of my ex and all the fucked up stuff.

When I think about how things were two years ago, I think of crying on the floor doing essentially involuntary sit ups. That was my reality. I cried so hard I ran out of tears and screamed so hard I coughed up blood and lost my voice. It wasn’t enough to make things any better but it was still a release.

I don’t cry or scream anymore. Not like like that.

I spent the last year just trying to exist.

But I haven’t done a thing about the weight of all those things. No therapy. Meds on and off when I remember. I’ve buried it.

Therapy is for people with real problems. But bruhhhh you have real problems. 😂

It’s been a year plus now. I’m 30. It’s the end of March. I’m tired. The mental stress is piling up and materializing physical. I need to unpack it, declutter, and throw these things out too.

I don’t know I just want to live my life. And be okay.