#notanothermidlifecrisis

It'ś been almost half my 90 days.  Friday will by my halfway point.  I'm still waiting on paperwork to process at this point, but if everything goes well, I should still start on April 1st.  Towards the end of this month, if any appointments at the Ausländerbehörder don't interfere, Jens and I will be taking a trip to an Island off the Northeast coast of Germany called Rügen.  It's the largest Island off the coast of Germany.  With some luck the weather will be sunny and not too windy for the end of March.  

Towards the end of last week Jens was rather sick and he and I both spent a good portion of the past couple of days at home.  I've been doing a lot of jogging (up to 6 miles again on my long treks), writing, grocery shopping and general taking care of the sick one.  Some crochet, lots of music exploration via youtube and spotify and lots of kdramas.  Off and on Jens and I have the random political/cultural discussions to spice things up.

*************************************

I've been thinking a lot about who I am lately.  What I'm comprised of internally and what my potential is. You know those dreams of doing something that has meaning, that lots of people still have at their mid 30's? Or that people are maybe working on in their mid 30's?  I've been realizing that those dreams left me a long time ago.  I think that once I'd been in college for a while, working part time jobs to pay my rent, and barely being able to focus on my studies while taking care of everything else I lost it somewhere. I didn't see anything coming of it because I couldn't focus on much of it seriously anyways.   

Then after I graduated I was also living paycheck to paycheck, scraping to get by while doing things on the side that took up my physical and mental capacity.  That I attempted to dream off and on I know, yet today I still feel utterly lost. I was just jumping from one ship to the next trying to stay afloat.

I would like to truly share some serious thoughts with you, however as the aspiring good German I'm not going to share my emotional turmoil as it's too personal. You'll get apple scraps and bread ends, along with other simplistic apologies.  

My days fade into each other.  The last time I had this much time to think about myself and what I want was summer break right after middle school ended.

Does anyone else ever think, that if such thoughts emotional thoughts weren’t shared, even on such platforms like this, that human empathy gets crushed because we’re too worried about what power plays can occur because you give up your soft spots? Sometimes I wish sharing like this were more freely done by all, hiding it all just makes me feel more alone and sad. It emphasizes how much we all don’t trust each other.

Maybe these thoughts are juvenile and uneducated like.  If so, please accept my apple scraps and bread ends. Staring at the lite up EZB after 2 hours of sleep during a 48 hour period makes my thoughts perhaps not erudite enough for those enjoying this here post.

Yesterday I received the grades from my Nursing Exams here in Germany. I passed!

It was much harder than I thought. I had to learn much more than I thought, and I noticed how much more difficult it was being in another language.  Everytime I learned a new disease I wasn't just learning the disease I was learning all the vocabulary for it in another language.  But that's just the start.

In a previous post I talked about the differences between the two systems, but in case you missed it:

The finals here in Germany are much different than in the US. We have to complete all our classes with passing grades, like in the US.  We also have to take examinations, however here is where the process differs. In the US, it's a long test (I have heard something like 400 questions), multiple choice. In Germany we have 5 different tests. Mine started with 3 days of written exams. Each written exam was 2 hours long, and none of it was multiple choice.  You had to elaborate or compare different practices, give a one or two paragraph long description of a Nursing Theory (There are many different kinds, and you needed to have memorized at least a couple).

Ok, after the written exams came practical exams.  This consisted of four hours with one of your teachers and your mentor following you around, as you took care of 3 to 4 patients. Mentally draining to say the very least.  The last exam is an Oral exam, which was a half hour of prep and a half hour of being questioned. 

So the exams for me went ok. The written ones I did pretty well on, however practicals and Oral exams I could have done better.  I was exhausted after my written exams, I really had a hard time motivating myself. Not to mention we had a lot of people missing at work, which meant I didn't get as much time to focus on preparing for my exam. 

Random side note: Nursing in Germany is not as medical as in the US.  They focus a lot here on the social system and communication theory as well.  Understanding where your patients can get support or how you can make sure they continue to get the care they need after being released is of great importance.  They really don't want someone to show back up to the hospital after breaking their leg, because they couldn't take care of themselves at home and then ended up causing themselves harm in another way.  Continuation of care is very important.  Also understanding billing is of big importance.  All of this, of course, due to the way the government is built and how the citizens are supported.  

I did a non-traditional method of attending, in that I went my first year to a school in Frankfurt and then transferred to a school in Karlsruhe. They both had very different ways of teaching, so it was a very enlightening experience to say the least.

It was a hard couple of years.  I never learned as much and as hard as I did when I went to college in the US.  I know that I am older, so that made things harder for me.  I often just wanted my normal life back. Learning so much after work was tough after years of just going to work and coming home.  Playing with friends and participating in hobbies.  On top of that I also moved to a different city. My first year here in Karlsruhe was really hard.  I had a hard time making friends and I felt really lonely.  I was often my own worst enemy. I am so excited just for some regularity in my life so that I can start doing the things I enjoy again.  Don't get me wrong, I love learning new things, but there is a difference between forced study and study for the fun of it.

I also, I hope, finally have time again to post more often to my blog.  For those of you in Oregon, I will be there between the 2 of August through the 22. Hopefully I can see many of you while I am there.

Earlier this week I completed my written exams for nursing school here in Germany. I still have practical exams and my oral exam, and then I will be done.  

Just a quick rundown of how these exams work, because they are so different from the US. To complete nursing school in Germany, you have to pass all three of your written exams (2 hours each, all essay (mostly, some short response answers), your practical exams (4 hours interacting with your patient, documentation, planning and organizing), and oral exams (30 minutes prep on a example situation, 30 minutes answering any question relevant to the situation). I must pass all of them, and I will not know my results until after the last one is completed. This whole thing takes approximately 3 months (I will be complete with my oral exams in mid July). If I happen to not pass any part I have to repeat the entire 3rd year of school, and I get one more time to attempt taking these exams. 

It's a lot, and so different and stressful. I have studied so much more than I thought possible, and I still couldn't remember all of it. I see how my age has affected my ability to remember, and the difficulties in studying and memorizing it all.   

However the big push is now over. I have completed the written exams and I now have a month until my practical exams. So I thought, why not write a quick blog and let ya'll know how I'm doing across the pond.

Much better. I started studying early, so at the end my stress was ok. I was able to remain mostly calm, dealing with some fear and so on. I had some great classmates that I studied with regularly, and that helped motivate me a ton. Sven had to deal with me studying and being generally much more forgetful than normal, off and on…very stressed and easily irritable, and simply someone not having a lot of time for our relationship. I am sure we all know situations like that in our lives, when the stress of it all impacts those around us. I felt and feel that, and am happy that I am slowly moving in a direction, where the stress is reducing itself. Where the stress is more a question of everyday existence and not existential questions (what if I don't make it, what does that mean for my life in Germany, how can I get a residency permit if I don't pass, how do I get allowance to stay here? What will I do with myself? All of these questions regularly plaguing my mind).

Here I would like to openly acknowledge my partner, family and friends who helped to support me these past couple of years, especially this past year as everything has come to a head. I am very grateful for the love and support I received and will do my best in the time to come, to show that appreciation with words and actions. 

So what else have I been up to? Honestly mostly studying and finishing Nursing school. I have done the occasional short kayak, bouldering and other sport-like things. I also visited Mallorca with Sven back at the end of February, where we generally went hiking, enjoyed the island and tried to relax and recover from normal life. So work, studying, and a little bit of adventure and travel.

Coming up is completing Nursing school (hopefully passing all of my remaining exams), and another reason for this post: visiting the US.

With the successful completion of Nursing school, I will be boarding a plane and coming to Oregon for the first 3 weeks of August. I would love to see you all, and hope we can figure some of that out.  My main focus will be spending time with my mother, as her health is not what it used to be. So to my family who would like to visit, let's get together at my moms house and maybe do some canning or other such activities??

For anyone else who would like to see me, please reach out and let's make some plans together. I miss you all and am looking forward to my visit back to my home country. Much love from across the pond.

It's been a good week.  Gium is off on a work trip to Argentina and will be gone for several weeks.  Jens worked on a flight to China and returned already.  It's been sunny and grand.  I've been rock climbing several times, started Yoga again and have been keeping up with jogging a couple times a week.

Friday night Jens and I had a wonderful time visiting with his neighbors who live a couple of floors up.  The couple (German and Taiwanese), have a fantastic apartment.  The style is so unique it was really inspiring, an obvious melding of the two cultures.  We spent the evening eating delicious finger foods I assume largely of Taiwanese origin, drinking and chatting the night away.  As often goes with Jens, we ended it with some spontaneous Karaoke, Disney of origin.

I had an interview on Friday at an "Altenheim".  Things went well and I now have what Germans call a "Probe Tag" on Monday, where I basically job shadow someone doing what I would be hired for.  I will spend my day 7am-1pm doing that, and then as long as things go well the next steps are to secure a visa.  Once the Visa is completed, 2-6 weeks approx, I will most likely start work in early April.  That means I will easily clear my required 90 days Tourist limit, and get a VISA prior to my tourist VISA running out.  While this will mean no trip to South Korea, it will mean I've achieved a life long dream of working and living in Germany.

My next steps will be to establish a home base.  I'll be looking for room-shares, or as German's call them "WG's".  This means I'll be basically sharing a 3 bedroom or more apartment with other people in similar situations inside the city.  The price is quite doable, and I would simply share the kitchen, balcony (if there is one), and living room (once again, if there is one).  It's not like quad living, it's much nicer than that.  If you're curious what something like that would look like check out this website, where I'll be doing my search WG-Suche.

This next week, outside of my Probe Tag on Monday, will probably include lots of bike trips around the area with Jens, bouldering, jogging and yoga.  I also have a couple of small crochet projects to make as "Thank You's" for the couple of awesome friends of Jens' that have helped me so much.  Sounds like I'll also be teaching Jens how to crochet.  And Sara, sounds like Jens and I will be potentially learning to knit together.  It makes me sad that I left the needles you bought me at home. It took my years to get the hang of crochet, I wonder how long it will take me to learn to knit.  

Daybreak

Orange fades to blue then black

Planets shine down on me

Old songs bring peace on this

The last day of days

Creation with joy

Another old feeling

Coming home again to rest

In the caverns and lava caves

I thought darkened eternal

Hope is a beautiful thing

A touching glance, a smile from a brother

A tear from a dear one

A backdrop of sunshine

Through a window I see it

Bells and drums

Beating, twinkling, delightful and bountiful

A rhythm sounding

Pulsing jittery excitement

Electricity reaching my fingertips

Fear seems far

Dread seems slightly foreign

Oh hope, a new day

Break dawn! Break my weariness

Bring forth my heart

As it bursts from its slumber

Cascading twinkles delight my vision

Bright orange stretches forth

And a dawn comes

Soft and peaceful

Here's an honest minute for you

I was a fresh 36

Walking a road darkened

I learned a skill

Some kind of...control

I tried it out

Four times

I walked

My awkward gate, with slight limp and dragging foot

Dulled senses allowed it

This new skill

A day had passed

Friendship and love

New experiences

Drenched with the fear of an upcoming unknown

Dulled senses dragged the darkness along

Sounds soaked in, vibrations

Swirling, mixing, evoking

The only freedom I'd found

The only hope, the only full silence

A fresh 36