#notadamnthing

Four years & two stubborn people. I don’t know what to do.

So in the morning, I get up & I shower, get dressed, & brush my teeth. I wake up our son, get him dressed & ready for the day. I take our dog out & feed him breakfast. I take meat out of the freezer for dinner. I take our son to daycare, & I go to work. Full time, just like you. I come home & clean up your mess, and our son’s mess, & our dog’s mess. I make dinner. Then I clean up that mess. I take our dog for a walk. I get our son ready for bed. I fold clothes, I wash dishes. I take the garbage out. I get myself ready for bed, I try to find time to read a few pages of my book, & I go to sleep. On the weekends, I grocery shop & I deep clean. Floors, windows, laundry, bedding, scrub the bathrooms, clean out the fridge, the list goes on. 

In the morning, you wake up, take care of yourself & go to work. Full time, just like me. You pick up our son, come home, kick off your socks & shoes, get in to sweats, grab a snack & a drink, & get started on your homework. I try not to bug you except to ask what you want for dinner, or to let you know it’s ready. You eat dinner, move your dishes to the sink, & get back to homework. You go to bed, & wait for me. On the weekends you have one job depending upon the season. Clean gutters, mow lawn, or snow blow the driveway. You also grill for me if that’s what is on the menu. Thank you. 

When I make it to bed, usually after you, you ask me some sexual question that is encouraging of, “are you going to start something”, to which I think “I’ve done a million things already today, can you start this one?” but I say, “I’m tired”, or “I have a headache”, or “it’s late”.. All of which are true. All of which could translate to, "why don’t you initiate?”, or “haven’t I done enough for you already?”. You have no idea how badly I want to feel like you actually appreciate me, or how bad I want to feel like you actually want me. Do you know how happy a simple “thank you” would make me? Our two year old has it figured out. Could you let me know if you still think I’m beautiful? Do you know how great it makes me feel when you touch me? Even a hug that I didn’t ask for. Or if you pull me in to your arms in bed.. like you used to. That always made me feel so good. 

I try to explain this to you and you essentially say “ditto”. I’m heartbroken. Ditto. Are you kidding me? You feel unloved & unappreciated, & taken for granted? Even though I tell you I love you. Even though I hug you and kiss you, just because? Even though I let you know you look so handsome when you trim your beard? Even though I do almost everything when it comes to our son, our home, & our dog? 

You know what else is hard? Knowing that I am trying & you are not. Thinking, I don’t need this, and then looking at our son & forcing myself to think of the good times, because it’s better for him if I stay. I know you are fun. I know you are a good man. I know we have good times together. Still. Occasionally. I also know that you snap at me for no reason. I know you have no interest in ever admitting when you hurt me. I know I have never in four years heard you apologize to me. I also that know you do sweet things for special occasions. I know you do sweet things for no reason. Like sushi lunch, just because. I know whenever we’ve had this discussion/argument in the past it ends in you making empty promises. “I’ll go for walks with you when it get’s warm” “I’ll do the dishes from now on” “I’ll make dinner at least once a week”. 

But usually, when it comes to how you make me feel, you have nothing to say at all. As if what I claim is all fable. I’m making it all up to make you feel bad. To start an argument. That’s what hurts the most. All I want is to know that what I think & feel is not true. I want to know that you do love & appreciate me. I want to know that you think I’m beautiful & you still want me. 

I’m done having this argument.  I’m done initiating sex.  I’m done -