#nosemole

thank you tumblr for secondary blogs 

Well well. It’s 2016 already and I’ve had such a depressing day today. I hope my year would be better. I don’t know if it’s my meds making me feel real low and weak and shitty. Guess I won’t drink one tomorrow. .. oor its really the situation that’s really depressing.

Its been a year since I’ve bled. I know that ain’t normal.. but I don’t want to fix it.

So, I went along with my mom to visit our old home. I missed it so much. I almost cried.. but of course i’m not supposed to.. i can’t. 

Every day that i’m alive.. growing into.. or being pushed into “adulthood”.. i’m kinda learning that you would actually be more mature if you do know how to hide all your feelings.. which I already kinda knew.. but recently I really felt the importance of it.

*sigh* I just needed an “out” today. I was supposed to type in a lot.. since I had a lot of shit I wanted to get out of my chest and head and I dunno.. I just want to get out of myself.

Soo apparently I might be good at this job.. thing.

Being given free coffee was kinda nice but all I wanted from the beverage was the whipped cream, t’was already near the end of our shift and I wouldn’t get to sleep if I drank the whole thing. My friend Hazel was there, she loves SB af, drank the whole thing. haha

Recently I had been thinking if this job was good enough; if I could actually stay with it for a long time; but you know, curiosity crawls under my skin when I jump into a never ending abyss of uncertainty with my life and still think of maybe working overseas or what not. I hadn’t left those thoughts to total oblivion. Sometimes tho, I do hope warp holes exist so you could flip through different pages more easily. There are many instances where I want to end it with this job, its like my life is full of peripheral visions and my focal point is too indifferent to myself where I get to the point where I question myself why I’m here too much.

I know, a lot of people I went to college with are now doing something somewhere but I can’t help but be apathetic to what it is; and I’m really glad I feel this way.

All I want now moving forward is to learn how to be happy, I guess this is what you do learn to know at my age. Like seriously, the kind of happy where  you don’t have to question things. When i was younger or should I say when I was more immature (cause I believe maturity isn’t awakened by age), what I thought was that whatever you achieve in life or whatever you get to show as a “win” in life would be like huge gateways to happiness or you might even think “stairs to happiness”.. It’s like “hey I’m finally at the next step.. on to the next.. on to the next.. on to the next.. till you reach the top..” and then you’ll be happy, or you know maybe being happy while you’re on the journey whatever. Well I’m really glad now to know that I was wrong.

People might say that you can actually choose to make changes in your life, you can change, you can choose what you want to do; you can do what you want, heck it’s your life.. at some point if you do look at it that way, if you don’t have any other factor affecting your reasoning, its good, do so, but if you do have factors that are stopping you from doing these things then I guess it’s selfish to push through, some say being selfish is good for you since you do you, you live your life, but what if other people had been selfless for you to be happy? Does carrying a baggage of guilt equal to happiness? Fine, let’s say you pushed through.. but are you really happy by the end. Maybe yes? maybe no? meh?

I don’t know what I’m saying, I guess again, this is one of those times I just have a never ending thought about something, you know when you can’t sleep and it sucks cause you have work or school in a few more hours and here you are staring into nothingness streaming thoughts into a never ending carousel ride in your mind.

I guess the biggest push at times would be the thought of never wanting to think of the question “what if”.. we do have these what ifs.. we will always have them. It’s just again, the soul eating thing called “hope”. Hope is like being blindfolded and walking into a maze of charred glass and hot coal, snakes and creepy crawlers and quicksand on foot. Its like that blindfold itself, the energy that keeps pushing you to go forward and try shit so you could go feel the soft grass or the sand on the beach on the other side, not knowing bout them hindrances on the way even if you do hurt yourself. Hope is a bitch sometimes. Eats you alive, you never know if you’ll reach that other side. You just HOPE you do. It doesn’t mean that you will, but you can try. You just might.

I guess you know in life we could actually be happy at any time, it’s actually partially a choice, I’m not saying it is mainly a choice because there are going to be times that we are going to feel down, no doubt, it can’t be helped to feel down inside sometimes, even all the time, but we can choose to help ourselves.. you know.. there’s a lot of things that can bring you happiness, even small doses.. like right now, I have a running addiction with Criminal Minds.. and I am happy. I think we could always distract ourselves from being down, you know, buy yourself chocolate, treat yoself. It’s not bad to be alone. I think I’ve mastered it too much already. hahaha. Just constantly make yourself happy, not in a sense that you would render toil on somebody else’s life in wanting to be  happy. I guess like you know, find for things that can make you happy where you are I guess. I’m babbling.

What was I even initially thinking about in the first place?

Oh yeah, I never really knew what to expect with this job to begin with. I’ts definitely not in any relation to what i studied in college. First months of working I already wanted to give up. Trying to talk to a lot of angry clients is not fun. Trying to empathize and explain shit to people who don’t want to listen is not fun. What to do? They say work isn’t really fun… but it isn’t the case all the time. Some clients are kind so that’s nice. I’ts not all bad.

What I love about my job tho would be the friends I grew to have. I’m generally an introverted person and I never expect to have friends, maybe acquaintances, but not friends that would want me around a lot, again I was wrong. I’m really thankful. Mainly they are the reason why I endured this job.. made it fun. you know. work and fun, plus my boss, she’s not what you would expect with a “boss”. She’s awesome. She’s very motivating and kind. I always get late and demotivated but she kinda triggers something in me whenever we have them one on one sessions, I dunno, she’s awesome. I never want to leave the team. There was this one time  alot of us were to be uhm, kinda “promoted” to be consultants, kind of like trainers to the newbies, and one of the main reasons why I didn’t really have the enthusiasm to push for it was that we would have a different leader then, wouldn’t be with the team anymore and holy shit more hours, are they kidding? hahahha no way. My boss does deserve better, she’s a single mom and I think she’s damn worth it, she’s smart and beautiful and all but man, I dunno how she falls. She really does deserve a better man.

Hey what about that. I guess I am really okay with my job. Pay’s not bad. Weather’s good. .. and I don’t have to be home home (at my home town, not my apartment where I have my bed. haha)… that’s a different story.