#noregrcts

“Letters! Wow that’s a new word.”

She didn’t usually sneak out of the castle when they had visitors--but Aurora couldn’t take it much longer. She needed a break from this Prince that was visiting her kingdom; one of her parents choices for a suitor, she assumed. The beauty had the hood to her cloak up over her golden hair as she made her way through the village--dressed in her plainest dress possible, just observing. Looking at life she didn’t live. 

She was smiling, content and even happy, until she felt an hand on her arm that pulled her into a nearby alleyway. The princess was about to scream, until she realized who the assailant was and she sighed exasperatedly. “John! You nearly scared me half to death!” Aurora huffed, “If you’re here to take me home, I say no.” She stated, like that possibly made a difference.

John: 

John couldn’t help but laugh before he hoisted the tree upright. “It just needs a little balance, is all,” he replied. “A solid base and, ah, maybe not so many ornaments.” His eyes dropped to the colorful orbs, dusted with frosting and emblazoned with winter designs, before his gaze drifted across the figure ornaments of nutcrackers, sleighs, santas, elves, and more. “I don’t think all of those will fit on one tree.”

one.     you were young.

              you’re thirteen when you met him. you’re a small little thing , really . nothing magnificent , nothing glorious . your brothers certainly made sure to remind you of that ; and you take those reminders in various of colours upon the pale canvas of your freckled skin nearly every day when you’ve dared your mouth to open and retort . this is fine , you tell yourself when you attempt to not wince as your tutor asks you to sit straighter with a sharp ruler against your chest. 

               jasper comes home one day with a gentleman who’s tall , broad-shouldered and handsome . he introduces himself as john , a young traveler , and you couldn’t be more envious yet curious all the same . but jasper is tall , you see , he’s fifteen and uglily determined — and much stronger than meets the eye . so when he’s dug his boot against your throat to tell you “not to bother his new friend” before john ever arrives , you make no sound to retaliate and agrees obediently . 

              it’s probably your imagination anyway , but john’s strong blue eyes meet yours despite the crowding of the twins and jasper’s insistence threats and father’s short inquiries on travels and news from over the sea . a week later , john catches you stumbling on the bricks near the stable because your back hurts a little from the last time brother benno stroke the hilt of his sword when he deemed your posture’s “weaker than a girl’s”. he was teaching you swordplay , and showed no mercy despite you two being linked by blood and house names . 

          you tell yourself it’s alright , that you’re fine , that jasper would probably not like it if john bothers himself any longer with the likes of you — and john looks at you confused , like he can’t believe a little brother would ever say so of his older “caring” brother when surely , shouldn’t brothers be glad that there’s someone around to look after their siblings when they’re injured ? you want to laugh at such a silly statement , but thank goodness you hadn’t . john patches your torn knee , oblivious to the rest of your bruised and healing body .

          he kisses you , there , when he’s done ; dried lips ‘pon the bandaged area and you feel your breath leaves your lungs for a second. john seems unaffected , patting the knee afterwards and standing up , like he’s glad he’s done a good job tying the white cloth together . jasper comes as you’re spluttering your “thank’s” , trying not to drown in the colour of your blush , and he pretends he’s worried over your being so spectacularly that , for a moment , you almost fooled yourself to think jasper was being genuine .

          when jasper drags john away after “making sure hansy pansy” is alright , you turn to watch their shadows leave. but john glances back just to give you one last wink , and , once again , you experience how it feels to breathe underwater .

two.   it was for a dance.

             the crush comes and goes . by the time you’ve reached fourteen years old , john wasn’t much a constant presence around the castle — especially when he’s set out to sail and travel once more as six months passed since he first appeared on the isles . jasper turned sixteen , the twins turning fifteen , and suddenly all of their attention were shifted to the growing , beautiful girls on the court . sometimes they tuck you along just to watch “their youngest brother” stutter and sweat in front of a pretty maiden ——— they’d have a laugh , father would be continuously disappointed in you , and the crushing feeling of rejection would swallow you up at night .

          one time , when you’re allowed to follow some of your older brother to an unknown kingdom you can barely speak the name of , they do this again . they’re pulling you out to the ballroom and they make you feel small enough that you doubt your dancing skills — even though you think dancing is one of the best thing there is — and , you’re awful and timid when the duke’s daughter is staring passively at you , and you think the world might as well end , your brothers might as well put their fists through your body , because god the humiliation is worse but then there’s a scoff somewhere and you’re looking up and there’s john again .

          john , who’s grown exceptionally taller than when you last saw him , and seventeen now ( so much older than you think you can be ) who’s looking at you with that same searing blue eyes , and he’s speaking — what could he possibly be speaking about ? — before you realise he’s asking you to dance . you , who’s been blabbering and flustering and nothing like the graceness father probably expects out of you . but john seems sure — he always is , you realise — and takes you to the centre of the ballroom and twirls you both around . john says , go on , i’m not that very good at dancing , if i have to be honest , and admits how he’s actually watched your dancing lessons sometimes when he was still back and living in the isles and was certain you were much , much better than you give yourself credit for .

          your confident shoots up , and you lead the dance without as much as a breath of hesitation lingering in your movements — john , ever the willing partner , never questions you . the princesses and aristocrats watch in envy , and for a moment you’re willing to not remember what your brothers would do to you when certainly you’ve screwed up their entertainment plan for tonight . john takes you outside when you’ve dance with three other dames afterwards , feeling delighted and dizzy , and kisses your cheek when he tells you the girls have been feeding you alcohols and that you look handsome when you’re blushing .

          you figure john must be right — because you blush some more , but you don’t even care to cover it .

three.     blaming puberty.

              you’re almost seventeen when you see him again . but john is much , much older now — not just in age , but in experience . you can tell so when he strides forward and father doesn’t truly talk to john like one of his son’s friend , but rather a person who can bring him business and fortune . jasper loses interest in john very easily ever since — a trait you realise jasper’s been picking up relentlessly since he turned fifteen years old — and one habit you think john’s been realising too . which turns very awkward because john ends up becoming your friend , instead. somewhat . you’re not quite sure — you haven’t got any human friends before .

          but when john’s not busy or occupied with father’s demands , he’s often there and attempting to talk to you . attempting , in a way that he tries , but you think you’re just making him uncomfortable because you’re uncomfortable . you’re not . well , you are , a little , but it’s not john’s fault . when you explain to him this , he seems easily amused enough , but doesn’t stray away . and , after a while , it feels even good sometimes to have someone there and not get lost in your thoughts .

          john and you are drunk one night despite your initial attempts at denying the bottle of liquors john claims he’s got from the sailors by the deck . john comments about your growth spurt , shocking you , and you embarrassedly admit how you haven’t meant it — to grow , that is . you know you were small when you met john , but now you’re tall and your shoulders can might as well match the blond’s who’s now staring hazily at you but — you haven’t meant to . it’s just something that’s happened , and you can’t help puberty . can anybody ?

           john mutters how he didn’t care , and it’s “not about that” and finally , it’s okay , looking like he’s lost in thoughts . when he kisses you later , you blame it on the drinks . john groans and blames it on your body .

four.      confessions.

           you two don’t talk about it . until that one night . it’s raining and thunder is pounding your eardrums and you’re shouting . john looks red , angry even . you don’t know why you’re shouting . maybe there had been a dame involved , or maybe it’s about the bruises john finally realised painting down the span of your back , or maybe it’s just something silly that you certainly couldn’t care to remember now but — the rain is pouring so ever heavenly harshly , and you two are in the stable when you were trying to calm sitron down; john is pulling you . you shove him back , angrier , and then 

            “do you want me?”            “yes.”

            when he pushes you back against the hay , you let him .

five.    too late.

             you’re twenty three when john return , half torn and damaged . the sailors speak of how john fell for a woman who lives in the forest , and father banish the blond without hesitating . in the end , john never could meet you in the eyes and you were dormant enough not to say anything . it feels like jasper’s boot against you throat all over again , pressing and harsh , and when everything crashes and burn — slowly — you obediently agrees .