I Wanna Get Better: Part 1 of Infinity
So Iâve been really affected by my depression for the last two years. Ever since I made the arrogant/bitter decision to let my ADHD meds prescription lapse. I did this because I resented having to take a pill to be able to function ânormallyâ. If it doesnât make sense to you that ADHD meds were helping with my depression, donât worry, it doesnât make sense to me. I tend to attribute it to the fact it allowed me to focus my mind enough to ignore the depressive thoughts to a degree. It wasnât a total thing, and people could still see my self-loathing, but it helped me a lot. After that, I began nosediving. I began abusing cannabis to help numb myself to the almost constant internal barrage of abuse. It got to the point that the only times I was truly sober were if I was in class or working, and the class one may not have been 100% consistent. I finally admitted to needing help about this time last year, and have been in therapy and working with a doctor to find the appropriate medications for me. Itâs a process Iâm nowhere near completing. At this point, things have been very low for me. I had to step back from acting and auditioning due to burnout and struggles with my energy and emotional state. This has been a double-edged sword. On one hand, Iâve NEEDED this break from the emotional requirements that theatre puts on us. On the other, not pursuing the thing that has been my purpose in life for the last decade is also draining my life force. Iâm currently jobless, donât see many people on the day-to-day, and spend lots of time just sitting in a dark fog of self-loathing. Existence has become exhausting for me. That is the only way I can say it. It isnât suicidal, itâs just exhaustion. Iâm unsure if this blog is a good idea, to be frank. Putting what Iâve been going through out here like this is a new thing for me, and itâs kind of arduous. But something my therapist and I discussed recently makes me think this is something I should do. Iâm going to attempt to blog my journey 3-4 times a week for awhile, see if this helps. Thank you for reading my first rambling, somewhat pointless entry.Â
