So I didn't get the café job. I feel like a failure of a human being. I feel like absolute shit.
I know my personal, non tkdb posts are barely seen by anyone, but I need to get this out, even if it's just to the void. Heavy words coming.
I had the interview two weeks ago for the anime theme café/bar. The boss liked me and I liked her.
She could only offer me part time hours like a zero hour contract, but honestly, having been unemployed with basically only zero hour contracts for 12 years, I didn't care. I just wanted more weekday shifts and a place where my boss doesn't break the law and ignore their workers' wellbeing.
(I currently work 0 hour contract at an acrylic painting and wine place.)
I didn't at the time have a hygiene pass, but she said if I could take the test and pass it by (last week's) thursday and my test shift, I'd be good to go.
I paid 100€ for the test and a course for it. This amount of money is INSANE for me since I only get like 560€ in unemployment benefits.
I passed last tiesday and went to my test shift thay thursday.
It was super tough, though fun too. The toughness came mostly from everything being super disorganized and not yet decided behind the counter and "behind the scenes" and I was thrown straight into it without knowing the register system, how to run the machines or the recepies for the drinks/desserts.
I made it still and thought that with my sweet coworkers (one of which I know from the local con scene from years back) and once the new company settled, I'd love it there.
At the end of my test shift (6½h) the boss praised me and we agreed I'd send her my banking info and my availability for shifts and that she'd email me of the days she'd need me and when I could sign the contract.
She never did.
During the week I had a convo with my coworkers of how weird the whole recruit process and contracts seemed and how the owners (the boss and her daughter) felt like they had taken on more they could handle on a new field they knew nothing about (except anime).
But I was hopeful that if we all could just meet on a day when the café is closed and go through all the recipes, machines etc. it'd start going more smoothly and that eventually the boss would change my contract to like 28h a week so I could make like 1050€ a month. More than I've made monthly in YEARS.
This would change everything and reduce my anxiety (of which most is caused by shitty jobs, uncertain pay and shifts, unemployment and poverty) SIGNIFICANTLY.
I didn't hear from the boss for the entire last week. So I emailed her yesterday morning asking when's my first shift and when could we sign the contract.
She replied:
"Hi, sorry, I unfortunately can't hire you after all.
Kind reg.
Boss"
I was shocked.
This completely fucked up my nervoussystem as I was getting ready for my friend's housewarming and bday party when the email dropped.
Anxiety attack. I was already inside. I already sent her my banking shit. Oral contract is official in my country, so what she did is illegal. I was this fucking close to a job within my interests with the potential to heal me of my past job trauma.
But nope. Let's add to the injury.
Wtf am I gonna tell my folks? They're also poor and my unemployment has given my mom so many grey hairs. She was so happy for me and so was I, so was my husband (who has to pay for most of our stuff and I feel like shit about that) and so were my friends.
But no. Happy 12 years of unemployment with traumatizing bosses and jobs.
It most likely has nothing to actually do with me. It's a new place and money is prolly tight. But why me? No explanation? Why do something illegal? I don't want to pursue actions to get "justice" because I don't want to see the place again or else I'll cry. And even if brought it up to her that breaking an oral contract is illegal, would I even want to work there anymore knowing what she did to me?
Yet, I feel like I'm a failure. I'm 35 in June, I'm mentally ill, neurospicy and unemployed for over a decade though I have a Bachelor's degree, I'm always praised for my work quality and ethics and skills with people, customers and team. And I'm still struggling with pennies.
This fucking broke me. I'm nothing. I'm not an adult, I'm trash. Worthless.
I can only draw and talk and that's not enough anywhere. I can't even start studying again because student benefits are even worse than the unemployment ones. I can't work and study at the same time, and apparently I can't get a job anyway. My country's unemployment rates are at an all time high, as high as they were during the depression/recession 30 years ago.
I'm just not meant to have a decent worklife. I'm not worth it to have a secure income. I'm not enough to have a boss and work environment that doesn't treat me like garbage.
I don't need millions. I need a place with flexible hours I can predict and not work just weekends and nights (so I can actually see my husband). I need a place with fun, kind nerds as coworkers where we could work with creativity. I need a boss that actually knows how to lead, is compassionate and understands that their worker's wellbeing is more important than capitalism. I need like 1500€/month after tax max. So I could finally pay full rent, pay for all my bills (doctors, therapist, meds, necessities) and start saving for our own apartment (we currently rent).
So I didn't have to have 1€ to my name at the end of the month.
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Uuuughghgh, I've been offline a while, it's been a rough week.
Had to study to a hygiene pass test so I could I work a test shift at my city's new anime theme café/bar. My anxiety ridden adhd ass was a wreck.
Though I'm an extrovert and I'm excellent at customer service, a brand new super popular place that with everything still searching its place and having never done cocktails/mocktails before let alone had any barrista experience raised my cortisol through the roof.
I'm currently unemployed/part timing as an acrylic painting instructor/bar server at a wine and painting place, but the bosses are horrible people, the pay and the hours suck and my mental health needs a job that has a lovely boss, normal/steady pay and humane hours.
So I hope this place will settle, I'll get a decent contract and that I'll love my coworkers, boss, the job and actually won't be below powerty line soon. 🫠
