#nonemaylayhandsondoom

So, I recently went to see the new movie titled Vacation on the strength of the trailer. First, this is NOT to be confused with the movie I am reviewing in this space. Second, I am the Dr. Doom to the modern movie trailer’s Reed Richards- I abhor them, they are beneath me, and they are completely detrimental to what I believe is good for this world. 

And by “countries,” I mean “movie trailers.” So I can throw them into the sea. None may lay hands on Doom!

So, inevitably, I was let down (with 2015′s Vacation)- I tried to walk out of the theater (an act I have only done twice before), only to be let down a second time by the fact that it was the last show playing. Since Doom does not make mistakes, I walked back in and claimed a new seat in my name, and continued watching. Spoiler alert: it was pretty fucking godawful. 

HOWEVER, that pile of dogshit that people are calling a movie inspired me to go home and rinse its awful taste from my mouth by watching the original Vacation film, and that’s why I’m going to review it now. 

For those who don’t know about it (among you, I count myself), National Lampoon was, according to Dr. Internet, a popular comedy magazine (for those of us who are old enough to remember, think MAD Magazine- for the newer generation, think... about fixing your generation, because you have no equivalent). Somehow, this magazine collaborated with someone (my research wasn’t exactly extensive) and somehow (magic), a movie was made. 

Vacation is a movie about the Griswolds, a stereotypical American family living in our Midwest during the 1980′s. Said family, without much backstory, is led by the father, “Sparky” (aka Clark) on one of humanity’s oldest quests: the family’s summer vacation. A bunch of stuff goes wrong, hilarity ensues, and sequels happened. If you haven’t seen it after 31 years of being available, you probably won’t, but I still refuse to spoil it, as it sets up a METRIC FUCKING TON of writing tropes that you will see used from here to eternity in movies. So, you know, maybe you could check it out? 

Just kidding; God-King-Doom demands you see it. 

Without further ado, I present my pros and cons:

PROS:

- No.Stal.Gia. So, I will freely admit that I did not see this movie growing up. Instead, I waited well into my adulthood to watch it. Sure, I’d catch bits and pieces on cable, but never had I ever completely experienced this particular National Lampoon experience. Truthfully, I don’t know if it was for better or worse, but I can say, with absolute certainty, that if you grew up in my generation, this movie will make you feel things about your upbringing. The feeling of nostalgia I got watching this was unique in that it didn’t come from my prior experience of watching the film, it came from remembering all of those (seemingly) awful summer vacations I took with my parents and all of the near-nervous-breakdowns I watched them suffer while I tried to keep myself entertained. The writer(s) behind this particular movie, I theorize, had suffered long, terrible, probably yearly vacations with their parents, and this was their love-letter to the world. I think it’s timeless. I know there are still people out there, trekking across the country in search of their own “walley world,” and it’s a trend that fewer and fewer people are following, but it’s an important one regardless. The way I see it, memories, good or bad, are important to have, and these trips create them. Watching this movie helped me remember, fondly, a number of vacations I went on as a kid.

To showcase the effect that nostalgia has on memory, one such vacation I remember involved my best friend and I going to Six Flags in- Chicago? It was probably Chicago. I know we went to an amusement park, but that might have been the least memorable part of it. I can remember thinking, “Why are we going to Six Flags? I have been here. Cedar point is just as far, and I’ve never been there.” The whole time, my friend was making comparisons, which were lost on me because I had nothing to compare the vacation to, but, en route to Six Flags, my family stopped and I was able to purchase this:

None may lay hands on Powers (except, you know, me). 

This is, what my mother quickly identified as, a talking Austin Powers keychain accessory. It has four buttons, each with a catchphrase. I was in 8th grade when I purchased this. Imagine the psychological torture my parents endured. Here’s an example:

The film was NOT known for its subtlety. 

What I definitely remember about this trip is that I got barely any sleep the night before the amusement park because my friend and I could not stop giggling at all hours of the night thanks to my disembodied talking Austin Powers head. I got grounded and had a generally bad time (being under constant scrutiny and having my Austin Powers head taken from me will do that), but I look back on that trip now and it makes me smile. I have digressed, but here is my point: National Lampoon’s Vacation will evoke that response, which earns it a pro in my book. 

- Trimming the fat. I really enjoyed how this movie doesn’t do much more than it has to. Usually, I complain when a movie is less than two hours long because, for the $8.50 I have to spend on it, I really want some bang for my increasingly worthless buck. The original Vacation, however, clocks out at a scant 98 minutes (of which, you can assume, 8 are probably devoted solely to the credits). This is normally enough to make me sit in my underwear and pout about how I deserve more movie, but it actually takes a different approach to telling its story.

Rather than spend the first half of the movie introducing characters and developing them (a practice not always necessary for a film, and even less practical in the genre of comedy), Vacation just sort of plops you in and lets a bunch of jokes handle the exposition. You gain enough in that hour and a half to know that these characters are all pretty relatable (unless, of course, you count yourself among the wealthy, upper class of society- in which case, what has brought you down to my level? I assure you, the grass is no greener over here), and the film gets its point across: I mean, how many sequels spawned after this? (Answer: 3 true sequels starring a similar cast, and 1 bizarre sequel/remake that, again, totally sucked) To me, this is a refreshing departure from the typical, modern comedy film that beats around the bush with dick and fart jokes for 60% of the film, then slops its meat and potatoes into your lap and tells you to like it. 

Based on a true story. 

Instead, it’s a casual little romp in the nostalgia patch; the jokes are pretty good, you see Beverly D’Angelo’s boobs (which, I forgot to mention earlier: this movie is rated R, for “Rrrrawesome! Beverly D’Angelo’s boobs!”), and it evokes some seriously feelings that took me into my past. 

But, like most things, there is another side to the coin- that being the

CONS:

- Aunt Edna. What a waste. One of the few times the movie elects to treat your time as an infinitely renewable resource- Aunt Edna is the joke that keeps on giving, well after you are full. Sure, she evokes a little bit of the nostalgia mentioned above, but the plausibility of her just getting in the car and riding with the Griswolds cross country? It just isn’t there. Aunt Edna, as a whole, felt like a piece of scotch tape slapped on to a broken bone that someone still expects to heal. It’s a joke that just didn’t work. 

Look at her; even Edna is tired of being Edna.

- Christie Brinkley vs. Beverly D’Angelo. Ok, I admit- this is a hormone-fueled gripe about how hot each actress is, with maybe a little bit of “she-should-win” sprinkled in, but a) it’s my blog; when you get older, maybe you can write your own, and b) it’s still my blog and I never wanted to have to make a choice between them. I’ll get my pick out of the way from the start: it’s Beverly. Clark’s smokin’-hot wife is not only attractive, naked, and sarcastic- she seems like a pretty cool mom. I mean *spoiler alert for a movie older than you are*, she is totally on board with Clark holding John Candy hostage and riding roller coasters. That is what you might call a “ride-or-die.” What does Christie Brinkley even offer? Outside of a newer pair of boobs, not much. She is a gigantic tease with a nice car who is totally fine with Clark cheating on his wife. What kind of person does that? I’ll tell you what kind: the worst kind. I mean, don’t get me wrong, ladies: I acknowledge fully that Clark sucks for even considering it, but as an outsider, I feel like it’s TOTALLY ok for me to compare the two. And, again, I choose Beverly. Here, enjoy:

“Damn, gurl- ‘chu doin’? ‘Chu lookin’ all wholesome for? Lemme holla atchu.”

Anyway, in summation, this movie is pretty rad. It’s not the best comedy. It’s not really the best at anything, but, truthfully, neither am I- I have more participation trophies than there are stars in the sky (author’s note: that’s 4). There are plenty of reasons to like it, and not a lot of reasons not to. So watch it, if you haven’t. Or watch it again, whatever- the movie spawned this incredibly shallow, yet incredibly catchy tune: I’m pretty confident you’ll like it, either way.