#noextortion

Hello all,

Just getting back from vacation. Cancun was off the chain! You have no idea! So many tanning salons. And the food was to die for--literally! My assistant, Cynthia, almost choked on a chicken bone! Lol! But don’t worry, I saved her life. Who knew those free CPR classes would pay off so quickly?

Anyway, enough about me. Let’s talk about you. You all have been so generous with your donations to my upcoming campaign for reelection. I mean really, I am so humbled by your incredible generosity.

I’m specifically referring to you, Todd. Your incredibly donation of $100 will probably be enough to make at least one yard sign. And Carol, that $50 check is certainly going to help with my whole “How am I going to pay for dinner with this lobbyist?” conundrum that I’m always having to wrestle with. Oh and don’t let me forget about you, Stan. You certainly went all out with those four thousand big ones, and by big ones I mean cents. Wow! What am I going to do with forty whole dollars. The sky’s certainly the limit, isn’t it? Perhaps I’ll get my hair cut at the Cuttin’ Corral. That’s how much hair cuts cost, right?

Anyway, my point is that you guys have been some “great friends” to my campaign so far. And don’t worry about those quotation marks around the phrase “great friends,” I think my computer just malfunctioned and I’m not sure how to fix it. You guys know how bad I am with comutery things! Lol!

So don’t bother sending anymore cash my way. You guys have done “more than enough.” (Woops! It did it again, this darn computer! “Sorry.”) Besides, I’m sure there are plenty of more important things you fine folks are doing with your money. Like your pill addiction, Janice--I’m sure those little suckers eat up a lot of your funds. And how’s Sugar, Paul? I’m sure she’s still zapping most of your one dollar bills on a nightly basis, and your lovely wife Martha has to shop, of course. 

Wow, I’m just now realizing how much stuff I know about you people. Funny thing, huh? It would be a shame if any of that info got into the wrong hands. Good thing we’re “friends.”

Looking forward to seeing you all at the pancake luncheon on Saturday!

Yours truly,

Gordon Ramirez (Mrs.) Mayor/Election Judge

P.S. For legal reasons I have to specify that this email contains no extortion. How silly is that!