#nochewing

Here is the set of instructions I was given. As you'll see, the food part seems to be aimed at a character in a US sitcom rather than at me. Does this mean no seeded bread? What is 'crust'? Is this some universal language of pizza that I really ought to be able to speak? When was the last time I even saw a chicken wing? And then I discovered the most important piece of information yet: I cannot chew. I know, I know, it says 'hang in there!' in a cheery way, but I have bite blocks which have made my teeth touch only on two tiny and weirdly painful surfaces. I will not be chewing any time soon. I will instead become Soup Lady, a really rubbish sort of souperhero with a stick blender and a cape with a butternut squash symbol on it. In fact, today's soup is very nice (veg, smoked paprika and chipotle) and I've put some cheese in it. It's amazing how much food gets stuck in these things, though. Even after mouthwash and little proddy sticks and so on. I'm kind of glad I have such a simple reason not to eat out for six months. 'I am unable to chew' is slightly better than 'my entire meal would get stuck in my smile and make things deeply awkward for both of us'. Don't worry, though. I plan to make up for all of this with frozen yogurt and milkshakes. And gin and tonic. I wonder what happens if you purée a pizza.

Albert loves the #sphero2.0. #nochewing #nodropshigherthan18" @gosphero