pairing:Â Beomgyu x fem!reader
genre:Â Â fluff, angst, enemies to lovers, regency era!au, nobility!au
warnings:Â attempted assault, mentions of abuse, cursing, period typical misogyny
word count:Â 6.3k
notes:Â
â updates every M/W/F at 8pm EST until the series finishes
â assault/abuse scenes are not graphic, but please heed the warnings and let me know if any of it is romanticized or just written in poor taste--I assure you I did not mean it, and I will fix anything needed.
â inspiration taken from an amalgamation of different bridgerton stories - let me know what easter eggs you find!
â story takes place in the same universe as my duke!yeonjun and earl!taehyun fics - check out the link to the series below for some more easter eggs :)
In a society where it only takes a year for a young woman in search of a husband to be considered out of season, it is no wonder that by your third year out, you are desperate to marry. Known as one of the beauties of the ton, such a task should not be difficult for youâbut with an absent father, no dowry, and a reputation centered around your inability to keep your mouth shut around one certain Beomgyu Choi, your prospects are more limited than youâd like. While you cannot recover your family or your wealth, however, the one thing you can try to control is your reputation. So when the third season rolls around, you resolve to keep your distance from Beomgyu Choi, your childhood enemy, and the man you hate most in the world.
Enter Beomgyu Choi, second son of the Kensington Viscountcy, one of the most eligible bachelors in the ton. His older brother, cousin, and good friend have all recently married, leaving the mamas to salivate at his doorstep for the chance of marrying one of their daughters to him. When Beomgyu walks in on a particularly traumatizing moment between you and one of the most unsavory men in the ton and learns of your desperation to marry, despite your history of enmity, he proposes you a devious dealâto pretend to court you. It seems like a winning situation for both of youâmore gentlemen will take notice of you, enhancing your prospects, and he will have the tonâs mamas off his backâand so, despite your misgivings, you agree.
With you hell bent on marriage and Beomgyu completely indifferent to the concept, even independent of your hatred for each other, it seems unlikely that any sort of true affection will bloom. But as you begrudgingly put aside your differences to spend more and more time in one anotherâs company, and as you grow to know each other beyond your ill-conceived preconceptions from childhood, you begin to realize that perhaps you two have more in common than you had once thought. And as your faked acquaintanceship becomes more truth than fiction, a friendship beginning to bloom most unexpectedlyâ
Perhaps you no longer need to convince the ton of the veracity of your courtship, because anyone with eyes can see that it is true.Â
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By the end of the night, you think you might murder someone.
Itâs not the partyâs fault. Lady Arina Park always hosts the first ball of the season, and in the three years youâve attended them, not once has it ever been a disappointment. Her taste in decoration always sets the tone for the months to follow, and she is the most wonderful hostessâcrotchety, kind, and always brimming with wisdom to impart.Â
She might be one of your favorite people in the ton.Â
Unfortunately, you cannot only talk to one person the entire night, and given your own reputation, youâre not sure you even have the social right to speak to her this season. See, it was never the party that was the problem.Â
It is the fact that you have attended now three times in three different years, each without a husband.Â
This is a fact that seems to dog you everywhere you go. Beautiful, sharp-tongued Miss L/N is going yet another season without a man on her armâor at least a serious man on her arm. Never mind that you have had two proposals, both of which you turned down quietly and did not announce out of sympathy for the manâs reputation. You might be on your third season and desperate, but you rather think youâd prefer to become a spinster than marry either of those who asked for your hand.Â
Lord Kierston was nice enough, if absentminded. You genuinely might have said yes to him if not for two thingsâhis rotten breath (you have no idea what he could be eating to have such horrid breath all the time), and the fact that he is over the age of forty.Â
You are barely one and twenty. And while there have been married couples with greater age gaps than that, you wonder if it is truly too much to hope to find someone nearer your age.
As for Mr. ThompsonâŠhe wasnât even nice. He was rude, and arrogant, and during his proposal blatantly said that you would have to accept him as with your lack of dowry and snide personality, you had no choices elsewhere. All facts for certainâyour dowry is nonexistent, your character is not one that endears many to you, and at the time, no other men were seriously courting you so it was true you had no other options. But you could still be a spinster, you let him know. And you would far rather be old and unmarried than tied to a man such as he.Â
He looked almost murderous when you said that, which was why youâd excused yourself quickly after. You may consider yourself cleverer than most, but you are no fool. You thank your few lucky stars that your family left for the country just a few days later at the end of the season and you havenât seen him since.Â
But now you are back in town, with a fresh new crop of debutantes to outshine your wilting, rotten personality, a father trying to drum up business abroad, an evil stepmother breathing down your neck, and possibly a Mr. Thompson to run into. Not to mention Lady Whistledown with her peacock feather pen and watchful monocled eye, carefully waiting to elaborate on your futile prospects with her sharp-tongued words.Â
Not that you know if she uses a peacock feather pen or a monocle. As far as your knowledge stretches, no one in the entire ton save the writer herself knows who she is. But youâve always imagined her with such things. Ridiculous to the max. It makes it much easier not to strangle someone after you read her words about you.Â
God, youâd care so much less about her gossip column if she wasnât so damn good at writing it.Â
You wish you were still in the country. Lady Whistledown wouldnât see you there, and her gossip column would never reach your home. In fact, the only reason youâre certain she isnât part of your sparse circle is that your spat with the younger Lord Choi at the garden party last year took at least two weeks to be broadcast in London after you came back for the season. Someone had to feed her the information before she could issue it, including your now infamous quote about how youâd like to slit his throat with his own letter opener.Â
Your stepmother yelled at you for hours over it. You were sentenced to a week of nonstop chores and none of the few servants still in your familyâs employ were allowed to help. Yet at the end of the day, Lord Choi the Younger is a menace to you and to society, and so you privately still stand by your comment.Â
Lord Choi the Younger. Mr. Choi, when his brother is in the room. Annoyance. Menace. The devil in disguise. All apt nicknames by which to call Beomgyu Choi, one of the most annoying people youâve ever met. Which, unfortunately, brings it all back to here and now, because apparently he is in attendance at tonightâs party.Â
And hence why by the end of the evening, you might be locked up in jail for murder.Â
Last season after the horrible garden party, you took very, very great care not to end up in the same room as the younger Lord Choi. For the most part, you succeeded. You couldnât always avoid himâthe ton is only so largeâbut the few times you had to come face to face with him you managed at least one minute of civil conversation before it turned into thinly-veiled verbal sparring that you thankfully had the self-control to bow out of sooner rather than later. But apparently people found your little spats amusing. A source of entertainment. And Lady Whistledown has remarked more than once since then that it would certainly liven up the endless parade of balls and parties to see a showdown between you and Mr. Choi once more.Â
Youâve been at this ball for hardly two hours and already almost everyone whoâs spoken to you tonightâeven Lady Arina Park!âhas found some sly way to allude to a possible catfight between you and Mr. Choi to bring down the house. And unfortunately, experience tells you that in the heat of the moment, you care about getting the last word in with Mr. Choi far more than you care about your precarious reputation.Â
You do so hate to disappoint the ton, about as much as you love it when your grievances are aired in public via the Whistledown gossip column. And it does so truly break your heart not to be the sole source of entertainment at Lady Parkâs annual ball. But this is your third season out and you need to be married soon, so when you see the man himself wearing that annoyingly bright smile and surrounded by an annoying number of young girls and their mothers, you make the first excuse you can to duck out of the ballroom and make a beeline for the gardens, where you find yourself in sudden silence.Â
Sudden, but not altogether unwelcome. The night air feels comforting on your face, wind breezing softly against your skin. You hadnât realized how hot the ballroom was until you came out here. You settle on one of the benches in the garden and fan yourself with a hand, letting the cool air bring you back to the moment. No one else is out here as far as you can tell. You can relax, if only for a moment.
For a few minutes you just sit in the moonlight, your face tilted to the sky, letting the cool air kiss your cheeks. It would be lovely to just stay out here all night, you think. Away from the people, away from the stares, away from the crushing anxiety that no one will ever want to marry you and youâll have to live at home with your horrible stepmother foreverâ
A branch snaps. Your eyes fly open. And all of the anxiety returns, with a healthy dose of fear, when you see Mr. Thompson looking at you from the other side of the garden.Â
For a long moment you just stand there. Looking at each other. All of the nightâs beauty has been forgotten, its comforting silence turned threatening in light of the knowledge that you are a young, unmarried woman alone with a man in a garden.Â
Scandals have been made out of less.Â
âMr. Thompson,â you say in as flat a tone as possible. âI apologize. I was just leaving.â
âNow donât leave on my account, Miss L/N.â His mouth twists in what looks more like a sneer than a smile and he takes a step toward you. You take a step back. âIt is lovely to see you after a summer away. Your beauty hasnât diminished a bit with your age.â
You almost snort. Exactly how much does a person change in one summer? âApologies if I donât quite take your compliment, Mr. Thompson. I was not under the impression we were on speaking terms after last season.â
âWe never spoke again because you left for the country.â That sneer-smile grows wide and you start calculating how much of a head start youâd need to flee into the ballroom before he caught you. âIf it were up to me, I would have proposed again, after you had had the time to consider it.â
This time, you do snort. âWith all due respect, sir, after an entire summer to think about it, my answer remains the same.â You still your features into a cold mask and pray, even with the sinking feeling of dread in your chest, that he will go away. âI will never marry you, Mr. Thompson. As I aptly put during your first proposal, I would rather become a spinster than entertain the thought.â
His eyebrows draw in. Youâd think the sight was comical if his eyes didnât glint with menace under the moon. âDo you really think yourself better than me?â he snarls. âYou should be thanking me now, for offering you this second chance.â
You laugh incredulously. âThanking you? For what?â
âIâm your last hope.â He advances so quickly you almost trip on the hem of your dress as you stumble backward. You try to hide the panic rising in your throat as you glance at the houseâstill full of light, still full of gaiety while youâre trapped outside by the night and this man. âNo one wants you, Miss L/N.â He lunges forward and you gasp, his hands uncomfortably tight around your wrists. âNot a single one.â
âLet go of me,â you snarl. âLet go of meâget off meââ
âNotââ He grunts as you stomp on his foot, but doesnât let go. âNot until I have what I wantââ
You manage to free an arm and before you can think, your fist careens through the air straight into his face.Â
For a long moment you just stand there, barely able to breathe, the thump of Mr. Thompsonâs body falling to the ground playing over and over in your mind. Your heart is pounding and your breath is coming out in short gasps and your fist throbs with pain. A sort of buzzing sound fills your ears. The world starts blurring before you and vaguely you wonder if itâs just the night, or if youâre about to fall.Â
âMiss L/N. Miss L/N!â
The sound of your name from a familiar voice breaks through the buzz and you blink, coming back to earth. It takes a moment for you to reassess the situation.Â
Mr. Thompson is still on the ground.Â
It does not look like he will be getting up soon.Â
You are still physically unhurt.Â
And there is a new third person in the garden with you.Â
Oh, God. You resist the urge to bury your face in your throbbing hands. Not only did Mr. Thompson try to assault you, you also knocked him out with your own fist, and someone caught the two of you in the garden just after it happened. Or maybe even before. Maybe they saw it, saw everythingâhow much did they see? How badly will your reputation be ruined beyond what is already in tatters?
A hysterical laugh builds in your chest. All that comes out is a strangled whimper. Youâll never be married once Whistledown gets her hands on this. No matter that Mr. Thompson didnât succeed in whatever he planned to do with you. All that matters is that you were alone with him in a garden at the first damn ball of the season and someone saw you.
Things couldnât get any worse than this.Â
âMiss L/N.â The familiar voice says your name again, this time accompanied by a cautious hand on your shoulder. You flinch viscerally but it doesnât leave. âMiss L/N,â it repeats, considerably lower than before.Â
You shut your eyes hard. Open them. You try to take a breath and only just manage to stifle a strangled half-gasp before it leaves your throat. Youâll have to face your fate at some point when you beg for this person not to immediately spread this juicy piece of gossip to every person in the ballroom. With heavenâs mercy, theyâll take pity on your situation and leave some details out of the story. Or at least not embellish what they already saw. Praying silently to the hopefully-merciful heavens, you slowly turn around.Â
And then you curse out loud.Â
âWhat in Godâs bloody nameââ
You were wrong when you thought things couldnât get any worse, because the man standing before you is Beomgyu Choi.Â
The heavens must be having a good damn laugh at you right now.Â
. . . . .
After what just happened, Beomgyu is honestly surprised that the first thing to come out of your mouth upon seeing him is a curse. Maybe he should be thankful, though. This probably means that youâll come out of this all right.Â
âGoodness,â he says as genially as he can, given your outburst. âI would have asked if you were all right, but based on your reaction to seeing me, I suppose you are just fine.â
âMr. Choi.â You look and sound vaguely sick. Beomgyu gathers that you would rather be anywhere than here. âApologies. I did not realize it was you.â
âI gathered about as much.â Now that he knows youâre fine, or at least standing upright, he steps forward to check on Mr. Thompson. Thankfully and regrettably, the man still has a pulse. Beomgyu wouldnât purposely wish death on anyone, but if he had to choose one person in the entire ton he wouldnât mind not seeing for the rest of his life, Mr. Thompson would certainly be one of the top contenders for the position. He looks back up at you. âPray tell, Miss L/N, what is your first made of? Pure steel? Youâve knocked the poor man out.â
You look to be grinding your teeth even as you speak. âI had no intentionââ
âI am not chastising you, my lady.â He smirks. âIn fact, I must say Iâm quite impressed.â Then he squints. âYouâre not about to swoon, are you?â
A long silence hangs in the air before you mete out a very measured reply. âI am not going to swoon, Mr. Choi. And the next time you decide to say something just as inane, take very good care, or you might find yourself in the grass next to Mr. Thompson as well.â
He lifts his hands in surrender with a laugh. God, he might hate you and you might hate him, but it really is so much fun to spar with you like this. âA jest, my lady. I thought simply to lighten the air.â
You open your mouth to reply, then close it. Beomgyu watches in amusement as you close your eyes for a good few secondsâten, if heâs counting correctlyâbefore taking a deep breath. Good God, you really are making some strong effort to rein yourself in this season. âWith all due respect, my lord, what are you doing out here?â you finally ask.Â
Beomgyu raises an eyebrow. âI might ask you the same question.â
âYou were the one who walked in on a private disagreement,â you snap. âIf anyone should be asking questions, it should be me.â
âIt didnât look like a private disagreement as much as an entire physical altercation,â Beomgyu retorts.Â
He expects a rapid-fire reply from you just as he always has, but instead you blanch. Your lips suddenly look too pale, entirely drained of color, and your eyes are fixed on Mr. Thompsonâs prone body. He stands up. âMiss L/N?â he says quietly, slowly stepping toward you. âAre you all right?â
âIââ You turn to him but it doesnât look like you see him. âDonât tell anybody,â you whisper. Your breaths have grown shorter, more rapid, and he bites back a curse. You look like youâre going into shock again. âPlease. I canâtâif Whistledownâif people know what he didâwhat he tried to doââ
What he tried to do?
Well, clearly now is not the right time to ask, and it isnât that difficult to put the pieces together anyway from what little he sawâMr. Thompson grabbing you, you punching him, your current shock. If Mr. Thompson was awake he might yet punch him again but he isnât, so Beomgyu focuses on you.
âMiss L/N.â He gently puts his hands on your shoulders. Something in your eyes seems to focus and internally, he sighs with relief. âI will not tell anyone what I saw today in the garden. Not a soul.â He takes one hand off your shoulder to place it over his heart. âOn my honor, I swear it.â
Something in his words must have rung clear. Your breaths begin to slow, and you manage to nod. âThank you.â
âYouâre welcome.â Itâs somewhat strange, comforting his sworn enemy since childhood, but oddly enough he isnât too conflicted. Even if you spend most of your time annoying Beomgyu out of his boots, youâre a person too, and clearly Mr. Thompson wasnât doing anything good in this garden. If anything, Beomgyu is a man, and he knows what the other entitled men of the ton sometimes do. No womanâno personâdeserves to be subject to their horrific plans. Not a single one. He keeps his voice as gentle as he can as he leads you to a nearby bench. âWill you tell me what happened?â
He stays quiet as you mumble out a vague summary of the altercation. That Mr. Thompson had proposed last season and acted an absolute arse about it, that you thought youâd seen the last of him but he showed up in the garden when you left the ballroom for some air (Beomgyu saw you leaving just as he entered so he gathers he had something to do with your quest for air, but he bites his tongue just this once). That he had proposedâif it could even be called thatâa second time, and when you repeated your original sentiments, he grabbed you by the arms and told you to be grateful.Â
And then you punched him.Â
Beomgyu nods slowly at the conclusion of your story. âFirst of all, I must apologize. Being the recipient of a proposal from Mr. Thompson could be nothing short of traumatic.â
For the first time that evening, the ghost of a smile flutters across your lips. Itâs a very nice smile. You have always been beautifulâeven Beomgyu will admit thatâbut youâve never directed a smile at him like this. Likely because youâre always scowling at him instead. Which, given your history, is fair enough, but that doesnât mean this still isnât nice.Â
âThere is a reason I turned him down,â you mutter. âI may need to be married, but I still have my pride.âÂ
He raises an eyebrow. âYou need to be married?â
You fix him with a dead stare. âMr. Choi, I am not exaggerating when I say that if I donât marry this season, I will go insane.â
Beomgyu blinks. ââŠNot even a little bit?â
You look away with a loud sigh, muttering something under your breath. Beomgyu doesnât hear all of it but he does catch something about three seasons and hopeless and men.
He chooses to focus on the first bit, because he gets the feeling that the last two wouldnât end up being particularly complimentary to him or his kind. âThree seasons?â
You give him possibly the worst stink eye of anyone heâs ever met. âYes, Mr. Choi. This is my third season out. If I am not married by the end of it I may as well be a spinster, and to be a spinster in my stepmotherâs home is not a fate I wish upon anyone.â You look down, fiddling with the dance card around your wrist. âI need to get married,â you say again, though more to yourself than him this time.Â
âYou need it this badly, then,â he says, half amused, half surprised. âSo much so that you would exit the ballroom the moment I entered for fear of confrontation.â
Annoyance flickers back into your eyes. Itâs a much more familiar expression than the one you were just wearing, and thus infinitely more comfortable to deal with. âIn case you hadnât noticed, Mr. Choi, every time we come into contact in public, the resulting altercation makes its way into Whistledown and, as such, everyone elseâs lives. Forgive me if I am only trying to pick up the remnants of my already shattered reputation.â
Beomgyu snorts. âYou seem to think it my fault that your societal standing has plummeted so. Have you ever considered it a matter of your personality, instead?â
Low blow. He sees it in your face, in the way your eyes shutter as soon as the words leave his mouth. Immediately he wants to slap himself. He should apologize, but before he can open his mouth to do so, youâre replying through very obviously gritted teeth. âI have, actually.â You fix him with a hard stare that reminds him why half of the ton finds you terrifying. âI would be a poor judge of my own character if I did not realize that I am at least as responsible for our disagreements as you are.â A bitter laugh escapes your lips and curdles in the air. âAnd it is not as if the ton hasnât been gossiping about my temperament for years.â
Beomgyu stays quiet.Â
You let out a sigh. âI have answered quite enough of your questions, Mr. Choi, so I beg you now to answer mine. Why are you here?â
âAvoiding people.â He eyes the bright lights still coming from the ballroom. Distaste curl his lip. âMamas, mostly. I suppose they are people.â
You donât smile, but at least the tension in the air seems to lessen somewhat.Â
âThey seem to have gotten it into their minds that I intend to marry this season.â He shakes his head. âJust because all of my other friends are married doesnât mean I intend to so soon as well.â
âI wasnât aware that Mr. Huening was married.â
âOh, so you do pay attention to me?â Beomgyu snickers at your outraged expression but continues before you can retort. âHe has returned to his home country and wonât be back for the season. Ergo, I get attention I donât necessarily covet.â
You snort. âI wasnât aware there was any sort of attention you did not covet.â
Beomgyu sneers. âCouldnât I say the same for you?â
âYouâI canât do this.â You stand up and Beomgyu can practically see the anger shimmering off you in waves. âI shouldnât be here, you shouldnât be here, and I donât want to be here when Mr. Thompson wakes and decides to take a pass at me again. Itâs bad enough that the two of us are aloneââ Your eyes widen in horror. âThe two of us are alone.â
Beomgyu stands too. âI guarantee you,â he says lowly, ânot a word of this will pass my lips to anyone in the ton.â
âThank you, but that hardly matters.â You take a large step away from him. âYou walked in on Mr. Thompson. Someone else could just as easily walk in on the two of us.â Your voice turns sardonic. âAnd Iâm sure you have no wish to be married to the likes of me for the sake of propriety. Good night.â
Well, thatâs certainly true. Just the thought of it makes Beomgyu shudder. If your current relationship is anything to go by, the two of you would never stop talking, never stop arguingâŠ
Hm.Â
Beomgyuâs eyes narrow as he watches your back disappear from the gardens. He would never want to marry you, itâs true. But if youâre having trouble attracting suitors, and he has too many women on his tailâŠ
âMiss L/N.â
You turn around with a huff. âWhat is it now?â
Beomgyu grins. He might just be a genius. âI have a proposition for you.â
. . . . .
âThis is a very, very bad idea,â you mutter. Then you look around sharply, because it wouldnât do for anyone to think that you see hallucinations on top of all of your other less-than-choice characteristics. Even though you made sure to stray far from prying ears in this garden, it seems Lady Whistledownâs eyes are everywhere.Â
An issue came out just this morning. You were relieved beyond belief that not a word about your and Mr. Choiâs accidental tryst in the garden was mentioned, though she did mention a terrible black eye and a murderous expression on Mr. Thompson when he reentered the ballroom.Â
Mr. Choi had assured you a man such as he would never admit that a woman had bested him in a fight. You werenât sure you believed him until you got the paper and Whistledown could only speculate about what had caused such a spectacular black eyeâapparently Mr. Thompson had remained tight-lipped and snarly to anyone who dared ask. And as he hasnât come banging on the door of your home demanding retribution, you can only conclude that he doesnât plan to.
All the better for you.Â
Fortunately, beyond some other vague mutterings about the other debutantes and who danced with who and who hogged all the lemonade, that was all that was said about Lady Parkâs ball. Not a word about you. Not a word about Mr. Choi.Â
Not a word about the idiotic deal he proposed as you were trying to leave the garden, and not a word about how you were idiotic enough to agree.Â
You never quite believed yourself stupid. If you had anything to your name besides your beauty, you would say it is your wit (quite separate from your sharp tongue, which is not even close to a blessing). But when you woke up the morning after the ball, you really re-thought all of your previous conceptions of yourself, because what on earth possessed you to agree to the insane proposal Mr. Choi presented you that night?
Unfortunately, you know the answer to that too.Â
Desperation.Â
Heâd presented his idea so reasonably. âYou are searching for a husband. I want the attention of the tonâs mamas off of me,â heâd said, his tone so calm as words of madness left his tongue. âIf I pretended to court you, men would take more heed of you, and the mamas would be discouraged from chasing after me.â He spread his arms in a show of his apparent genius. âThus, the two of us might find some success in each of our respective endeavors.â
You could only gape harder the wider he smiled.
To your credit, you refused at first. âThat is madness,â you had scoffed, turning back around. âWho in this ton would believe that the two of us are courting? Our arguments have become their source of entertainment. No one is going to buy that we now like each other enough to be civil in one anotherâs presence, let alone court.â
He was still undeterred, for whatever damn reason. So convinced it would work out by his own sheer force of will, like most men. âSo we will come up with a believable cover story,â heâd replied easily, still with that unflappable smile on his lips. âListen, Miss L/N. You are desperate, and I need an out. What do either of us have to lose from at least trying?â
Try as you might, you couldnât cobble together an answer. Because he was right. You were desperate. You still are. If you have to live another year in your stepmotherâs home, cleaning and gardening and playing maid while still maintaining appearances for the ton, you will go mad. Not mad enough to accept Mr. Thompsonâs suit, but mad all the same.Â
So you had agreed, and in the process lost a healthy chunk of your own self-respect. But you refused to spend another moment in the garden alone with him that night for fear of others seeing, so you two decided to meet at the outdoor musicale at the park a few days later to discuss theâŠlogistics of this plan. There would be plenty of time for refreshment before and after the performanceâplenty of time for the two of you to sneak away and find each other.Â
So here you are, standing in the sunshine without the cover of night to hide all of your bad decisions. The longer you stand here, the more youâre beginning to believe this is all a major mistake.
But like Beomgyu has said multiple times, youâre desperate. Youâve tried being yourself for one season. Youâve tried reining in your sharp tongue for another. Neither worked. Whatâs the worst that can happen? You not being married for a third season in a row? Sick as the thought leaves you, itâs not as if you havenât pondered the possibility many times already.Â
Anyway, if your stepmother drives you too far up the wall, youâll just have to run away. Find work as a governess somewhere, or a maid. Nothing could possibly be worse than her shrill voice ordering you to do this or that while she sits on her arse all day without contribution, your father still gone on some business call hundreds of miles away. Easier said than done, but a bad plan is better than no plan. Or so you hope.
In fairy tales, this is when the handsome prince is supposed to swoop in with a charming smile to come and save you, the poor damsel, from her distress. Unfortunately, you are not in a fairy tale, and all you have to save you is Mr. Choi and this ridiculous deal.Â
What a world you live in.
âMiss L/N.â
You jerk your head around to see Mr. Choi pushing through some bushes a few feet away. A quick glance behind him confirms that no one has followed him here. âMr. Choi,â you greet, already feeling your stomach roll. This is a terrible idea. âI wonder if it isnât too much to hope that you have re-thought your ridiculous plan and intend to call it off now?â
He snorts. âOf course not. You should be on the floor, praising my genius.â Before you can reply with something scathing about his big head and nonexistent intellect, he continues. âBesides, no matter how ridiculous you think my idea is, youâre still here.â
How you wish you were here to just call it all off. Unfortunately, you are just as desperate as you were several days ago. âUnfortunately, my desperation is greater than my self-respect at the moment.â You look up at where heâs still standing in the grass. âDo you plan to sit?â
He sits on the green next to you, that stupid unflappable smile still on his face. You want to slap it off. âWe need a cover story,â he begins. âYou were right on that front. Which means at some point, one of us must have apologized first for the cake and dirt incidents from when we were children.â
âYou apologized,â you say immediately. âYou knocked my cake over first, ruined my new shoes, and it was my birthday.â
Mr. Choi scowls. âYou threw dirt at meââ
You raise your voice over his. âIt was my birthday, and you didnât even apologize thenââ
âI had dirt in my hair!â
âAnd my new shoes were ruined! Forever!â
The two of you glare at each other for a long, long moment. Then you stand abruptly. âForget it,â you mutter, ready to head back to the party. âIf we canât even agree on thisââ
âNeither of us apologized,â Mr. Choi snaps. âWe just agreed to put it behind us.â
You turn around slowly. ââŠFine.â
He gestures impatiently to the grass. You sit down again, resolutely not looking at him. Silence passes over the two of you for a long time before you force yourself to speak. âSo how exactly did that happen?â you ask, voice rough.Â
Slowly, the two of you hash out the details, though not without your fair share of sniping back and forth. After the last season, the two of you met at a gathering in the country. Having seen how badly Whistledown had written of you two, you agreed to put your old resentments behind you. You began exchanging tentative letters through the off-season and those letters increased in volume as time went on and you became friendlier. It was very surprising when Mr. Choi asked if he might court you at this seasonâs first ball, but you did not say no, and that brings you up to now.Â
None of it is verifiable. Thatâs the only thing that makes you think this plan has even a shot at working. You two were at some gatherings in the country together, and ironically, because you did your absolute best to avoid him by hiding in different places, there are definitely some moments where the two of you could feasibly have been alone together and talked things out. As for the letters, they donât actually exist, but no well-bred person would dare ask to see private correspondence. Hopefully.Â
You work out a schedule for the next few months. He must call on you at some point, and you both agree youâll need to be seen in public at least several times. At least one promenade every couple of weeks, and you will dance together at least once at each of the balls you both plan to attend. One call a week and if he cannot make it, he must send flowers. âA large bouquet,â you say, internally smirking at his expression. âYou must act serious about it so that the other men will know they must outdo you.â
By the time youâve argued and compromised and sniped it all out, the sun is almost directly overhead, and you need to return in time for the musicale to start. Mr. Choi stands and you donât refuse his hand to help you up, a new grudging respect in your chest for him. If anything, heâs a good negotiator, not to mention a gentleman. âShall we return to the musicale together, then?â he asks, offering his arm.Â
You stare at him. âAlready?â
He peers at you, eyes twinkling obnoxiously. âThereâs no time like the present, hmm?â
While you were talking and snapping and quipping, you were able to ignore the voice in the back of your mind screaming that this is a terrible idea. But now as you look at his proffered arm, it suddenly seems to be all you can hear.Â
Everything is going to go wrong. Youâre going to make a gaffe because for all you can act nice and pretty around pleasant people, you cannot hold your tongue in front of people you dislike, Mr. Choi obviously included. Which means someone is going to get suspicious because of your mistakes. Which means people are going to start talking and eventually the truth is going to come out and you will be humiliated publicly more than ever beforeâbecause what idiot pretends to court their enemy in an effort to gain suitorsâand bloody fucking hell, this was a mistake and you might as well run away right nowâ
âWe donât have to if you donât want to yet.â Mr. Choiâs voice cuts through your spiraling thoughts, his words gentler than before as he lowers the arm. You hate that he can do thatâcan be going back and forth with you for hours without pause, then put it all on hold to respect you as a woman and a human being. It makes it really hard to hate him as much as you want to, and ironically makes you hate him even more. âI only thought it would at least explain our combined absence, in case anyone noticed.â
You swallow hard. âNo, youâre right,â you mumble. âWe shouldâwe should start now. Sorry.â
Mr. Choi raises an eyebrow. âI think thatâs the first time youâve ever apologized to me.â
And there it is. You scowl. âDonât get used to it.â
He laughs aloud, a sound that would be quite pleasing if you didnât want to punch him in the face so badly. âI am sure I wonât,â he replies, a bite beneath his genial tone that ironically soothes your anxiety. Yes, even if you two go through with this, nothing will actually change between the two of you. Youâll always be annoyances to one another. âNow, are you ready?â
You take his arm gingerly. âIt doesnât quite seem like I have another choice.â
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pairing:Â Beomgyu x fem!reader
genre:Â Â fluff, angst, enemies to lovers, regency era!au, nobility!au
warnings:Â mentions of assault, abuse, cursing, period typical misogyny
word count:Â 11.2k
notes:Â
â updates every M/W/F at 8pm EST until the series finishes
â assault/abuse scenes are not graphic, but please heed the warnings and let me know if any of it is romanticized or just written in poor taste--I assure you I did not mean it, and I will fix anything needed.
â inspiration taken from an amalgamation of different bridgerton stories - let me know what easter eggs you find!
â story takes place in the same universe as my duke!yeonjun and earl!taehyun fics - check out the link to the series below for some more easter eggs :)
In a society where it only takes a year for a young woman in search of a husband to be considered out of season, it is no wonder that by your third year out, you are desperate to marry. Known as one of the beauties of the ton, such a task should not be difficult for youâbut with an absent father, no dowry, and a reputation centered around your inability to keep your mouth shut around one certain Beomgyu Choi, your prospects are more limited than youâd like. While you cannot recover your family or your wealth, however, the one thing you can try to control is your reputation. So when the third season rolls around, you resolve to keep your distance from Beomgyu Choi, your childhood enemy, and the man you hate most in the world.
Enter Beomgyu Choi, second son of the Kensington Viscountcy, one of the most eligible bachelors in the ton. His older brother, cousin, and good friend have all recently married, leaving the mamas to salivate at his doorstep for the chance of marrying one of their daughters to him. When Beomgyu walks in on a particularly traumatizing moment between you and one of the most unsavory men in the ton and learns of your desperation to marry, despite your history of enmity, he proposes you a devious dealâto pretend to court you. It seems like a winning situation for both of youâmore gentlemen will take notice of you, enhancing your prospects, and he will have the tonâs mamas off his backâand so, despite your misgivings, you agree.
With you hell bent on marriage and Beomgyu completely indifferent to the concept, even independent of your hatred for each other, it seems unlikely that any sort of true affection will bloom. But as you begrudgingly put aside your differences to spend more and more time in one anotherâs company, and as you grow to know each other beyond your ill-conceived preconceptions from childhood, you begin to realize that perhaps you two have more in common than you had once thought. And as your faked acquaintanceship becomes more truth than fiction, a friendship beginning to bloom most unexpectedlyâ
Perhaps you no longer need to convince the ton of the veracity of your courtship, because anyone with eyes can see that it is true.Â
Part 7 >> Part 8
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Itâs been a week since you took unwilling part in the biggest scandal to overtake the ton this entire season, and youâre feeling more and more certain with each passing day that your reputation will never recover.
You thought the same thing at the beginning of the season, just a few months ago. At the time, you thought it couldnât get any worse. Funny how time ends up proving you wrong.Â
Of course, you have no idea how the ton is receiving any of the gossip. You know the facts, as does everyone else who was in the room when it all happened, but that doesnât matter. Someone will undoubtedly distort them for the sake of a good story. Your stepmother has been refusing all calls on your behalf, though, so you have no clue what the ton is saying. Itâs not like she would tell you, anyway. The morning after the Jung ball she slapped you across the face so hard you saw stars, and you had to listen to her scream at you for an hour after that. When you tried to ask her what people were saying about you a few days ago, she gave you another mark to match the first one.
The bruises still hurt to the touch.Â
Maybe itâs just as well. Youâre not sure you want to know what anyone is saying. The gossip about you and Beomgyu had hardly abated before the Jung ball, and with all the speculation then about you being sort of shameless whore able to seduce men into offering you marriage proposals, you can only imagine what theyâre saying about you now. They probably think you seduced Lord Cho, too.Â
They probably think you deserved whatever he intended to do to you.Â
Which isnât true. You never asked for any sort of physical relationship with him, never even considered it. You said no when he offered itâif the word offered could even describe the situation. Stupid as it is, you really did believe he wanted to marry you, and his words cut you deep when you learned of his true intentions. But the cynical part of you canât help but feel like you got what was coming to you. You should have known betterâknown that no one would truly ever want to marry you, because you have nothing to offer. Maybe itâs true that you arenât fit for anything more than a mistress.Â
If you didnât have so much damn pride, maybe youâd have been able to accept that by now.Â
You can forget any delusions of being married, now. If you werenât already ruined by Beomgyu leaving you after the waltz, surely this incident has marked you as a fallen womanâor at least as close to it as you can get without having actually been deflowered. Never mind that you never asked for it. Never mind that you had to beat him off with a damn candlestick. No one wants a woman whoâs been sullied by another manâs touch, no matter how unwarranted.Â
Maybe itâs really time for you to start making plans to run away.Â
Even as the thought crosses your mind, though, you have to stifle a snort. Pausing in the middle of scrubbing out a large pot, you close your eyes for just a moment, hoping to clear out all of your remaining stupid thoughts. Run away, yes? With what money? You have nothing. This family has nothing. Thereâs nothing useful you can even steal from the house, and your father isnât coming back with any money. This, you know now.Â
You can still hear the terrible silence that accompanied the opening of that letter. Your stepmotherâs simmering rage as her eyes scanned every carefully penned line that told of the passing of your father, and the loss of any remnants of the family fortune at the hands of his gambling addiction. You had no idea he had such an addiction. The few times you saw him over the past decade, he always seemed so stoic, so upright. You never thought he could have been hiding something so terrible behind that façade.Â
But he was. And now he is dead, and he has passed nothing onto you except a mountain of terrible fortune.Â
Thereâs really no end to it. You sigh, returning to the pot still half covered in suds in the sink. Maybe this is for the better. Youâll grow into a spinster, hide yourself from society with your position as a servant in this household, and fade away from public attention. In a few years, people will forget about everything. Maybe. Hopefully. And then youâll have some peace of mind.Â
âŠThereâs no real hope of that, though. Youâll never have peace as long as you live with your stepmother. Maybe thatâs your eternal punishment for all the stupid choices you made this seasonâhaving to live with her until she dies, or you do.Â
At least sheâs gone now. She left a while ago to make some morning calls, you think. You tried to ask who she was going to meet and she just snapped that she was trying to clean up the mess you had made of yourself and your family this season.Â
Very useful information, that was. You didnât press though. You didnât want to add on to the collection of bruises already beginning to bloom across your cheek.Â
Sheâs gone now, though, and you havenât heard her return, so you have some time to breathe without her sneering down her nose at you every minute of the day. The silence is nice even if you know itâll be short lived.
Something sounds in the hall as youâre scrubbing the last pot clean. You stiffen, thinking it might be your stepmother, but it still feels like it hasnât been long since she leftâsurely she wouldnât be back so soon? You look over at Soyoung, whoâs helping you scrub away. Her raised eyebrow indicates sheâs as confused as you are.
Footsteps sound down the hallway, and then you hear Brighton speaking. Your confusion increases by the secondâsurely no one has any reason to call, not when your stepmother has been chasing away callers almost every day. You wonder if Brighton will have them leave too, whoever they are, but he likely wonât. Without your stepmother here, he would probably defer to you, unless she left him with explicit instructions not to. Though he might disobey them anyway. The staff here donât take very kindly to your stepmother.Â
The thought makes you smile, but that smile quickly begins to drop as Brightonâs characteristic light footsteps sound closer and closer to the kitchen. You finish rinsing off the last pot just as he enters the kitchen, standing primly in the doorway.Â
âMiss L/N.âÂ
You turn around, wiping your hands on your apron. âYes, Brighton?â
A hint of distaste edges his words. âMr. Choi has come to call.â
Despite the situation, you almost smile. You canât say you donât appreciate the staffâs quiet support at your situation. No doubt theyâve heard all manner of gossip from the other servants around town, but you told Soyoung what truly happened so your staff has been very kind to you since everything started going downhill. Brighton in particular has taken to speaking the Choi name with a subtle, almost undetectable annoyance that only butlers can emulate, and you wonât deny that it makes you feel a little better, sometimes. Not because you hate Beomgyuâyou wish you could hate him, it would make everything so much easierâbut because itâs nice to know that someone has your back.
The almost smile slips off your face almost as easily as it came, though. Because you really donât know if you want to see him. He was right about Lord Cho, right from the startâand all you and everyone else did was just brush his concern off as jealousy. You donât want to face him. You donât want to know what he has to say. And truth be told, youâre still not entirely sure you forgive him for what he did at the Haynesworth ball. He tried to explain when he called the last time. You didnât let him. Youâre still not sure if you want to let him. Anger is the only shield you have now against your pain and youâre not ready to give up its embrace so soon, even if its warmth is more suffocating than nourishing.Â
There is another warmth that is nourishing, though. A warmth youâve only ever felt with those you loved. Delia, Henry, SoyoungâŠ
And Beomgyu, too.
All of the residual anger drains out of your body, leaving you cold and a little empty. You look down at yourself, at your dirty servantâs garb splashed with water and soap, at your tender hands still holding a sponge covered in suds. You should hear him out, let him speak, but youâre justâŠso tired. You want this all to be over. And anyway, even if you knew you wanted to speak with him, you donât know when your stepmother will return from her own morning callsâcalls meant to repair your reputation, whatever the hell that means. She might come back in the middle of a conversation and you really donât want to know what would happen then.Â
Thatâs just an excuse, though. You know that just the thought of your stepmother wouldnât be able to stop you from doing anything you really wanted to. The question is, then, do you really want to see Beomgyu? Do you really?
âFor what it is worth,â Brighton says, interrupting your thoughts, âhe has tried to call every morning since the Jung ball, Miss L/N.â He twists his hands together in an uncharacteristic show of uncertainty. âYour stepmother turned him away each time, butâŠperhaps he truly does have something to say.â
Every morning since the Jung ball. You blink. ThatâsâŠdedication. It reminds you an awful lot of how he tried to see you almost every day for a week after the Haynesworth ball, which in turn reminds you of that terrible last conversation you shared with him. He had wanted to explain himself. You hadnât let him. Instead, youâd told him never to come back and he had heeded your words then, but now heâs returned.Â
Part of you still hurts at what he did to youâor rather, what he didnât do. Even now you can still call up some of that anger and you try to wrap it around you like a cloak, but it isnât doesnât work anymore. There isnât enough anger left to shield you, which just leaves you open. Raw. Vulnerable to your emotions.Â
The emotions telling you to listen to him this time, instead of just sending him away.Â
You stare at your hands. You know that Beomgyu wouldnât hold it against you if you told him to leave. He wouldnât argue. He would give you space. And you really, really hate that. If he wasnât so honorable, it would be so much easier to hate him. You would never have fallen in love with him in the first place.Â
Life would be so much easier, then.Â
But he is honorable. You may still be angry at what he did at the Haynesworth ball, but you also have the grudging grace (or maybe the idiocy) to understand that one mistake does not dictate a personâs entire character. You remember Beomgyu holding you as you shook so badly in his arms just moments after Lord Cho had tried to lay his hands on you, and you canât help but recall how safe you felt in his hold. Not completely soâLord Cho was right there, obviously you wouldnât feel completely fineâbut Beomgyu lent a steadiness to the moment that you needed, desperately. You trusted him without thinking. Without even feeling.Â
Maybe that says something. Maybe that says a lot of things.Â
You swallow hard. Heâs already in your house. Heâs come by every day, even though heâs been turned away each timeânot by your choice, but by your stepmotherâs. This might be the only chance you get to hear him out.Â
Youâd be a fool not to take it.
âDo you know when my stepmother will be back?â you ask quietly.Â
âShe left not long ago,â Brighton replies. âI do not know for certain, but I would estimate you have at least two hours before she returns.â
You bite the inside of your cheek. Two hours is likely enough time to talk. Sabine is taking care of the children in the nursery, which leaves Soyoung or Brighton to chaperone. You donât have time to change or to cover up the marks on your cheek, but you donât really want to. Part of you wants to approach Beomgyu with this part of yourself on display. To let him see you as you are.Â
You stand up and take a deep breath. âThen bring him in.â
. . . . .
When your butler bids him to come inside, Beomgyu has to bite his tongue to stifle his shock. Itâs been a week since the Jung ball and though heâs called every morning since then, the response has always been the sameâthat you arenât taking visitors, and wonât be for the near future. The setup feels eerily familiar to when he tried to see you after the Haynesworth ball, though he supposes that is just what comes with scandal. The tonâs memory is like that of a goldfish. Once something else happens, they move on quickly.Â
In theory, at least. In practice, the memories stick around for a bit longer than gossip suggests.Â
Today, though, the butlerâBrighton, he thinksâallows him inside. Before shutting the door, Beomgyu sees him cast a furtive glance towards the street, which leads Beomgyu to believe he might not actually be allowed to be here. Still, he appreciates being let in so he doesnât comment as the butler leads him through the short hallway and into the drawing room. He then disappears to find you.
It seems to take forever for the butler to return, or at least for Beomgyu to hear any sounds indicating you might actually see him. He half expects to be told to leave and honestly, he wouldnât blame you for it. He canât really think of a reason why you would want to see him in the first place, but he just wants to make sure you are all right. Or as all right you can be after what happened.Â
God, he really wishes he had done Lord Choâs face in. The man would have deserved itâjust one quick punch to break his nose. But then Beomgyu wouldnât have been there to catch you when the shock set in and you nearly fell, your entire body trembling as you sank into his arms. Anyway, you already hit Lord Cho over the head with that silver candlestick, and that gave Beomgyu more than enough satisfaction to witness.Â
Footsteps sound down the hallâmore than one pair, it seems. Beomgyu straightens where he stands and his heart begins to race as you step into the room.Â
He almost gasps but bites his tongue just in time. In all the times heâs seen you, youâve never not been dressed for societyâfine gowns, light jewelry, pretty smiles. Now, though, Beomgyu almost doesnât recognize you.Â
Dressed in a plain servantâs garb, apron still damp and slightly stained, you stare back at him, expressionless. Your hands are bare, cracked and raw, and a bruise swells dark on your cheek. Anger twists in Beomgyuâs stomach when he realizes it looks very much like the mark left if someone had hit you. Thereâs no doubt it was your stepmother.Â
You seem to track his gaze, unsurprised at whatever you find in his expression. Something hard glints in your eyes and Beomgyu recognizes it as a test. You could have made him wait for you to change, to get ready for a typical call, but you didnât. You chose to show yourself like this, rags and calluses and all, for a reason.
Well, if this is a test, then he will do all he can to pass it. Beomgyu holds himself tall and bows just as he always has even though the bruise on your cheek makes him want to throttle something. âMiss L/N,â he says in greeting.Â
You look back at him steadily for a moment. Then suddenly your shoulders slump, as though you canât hold yourself up anymore. âMr. Choi,â you say wearily. âWhy are you here?â
Your refusal to call him by his given name hurts more than it should, but Beomgyu forces the pain to pass. Itâs no less than he deserves. âI wanted to see if you were all right,â he replies quietly.Â
As the words come out of his mouth, he realizes how stupid they are. Obviously you arenât fine. After what happened, no one in your situation would have been fine. The evidence is staring him right in the faceâeven if it werenât for the bruise, the weariness on your face speaks volumes.Â
âWell, you have seen me.â The corners of your lips lift slightly, though there is no mirth in the movement. âIf that is all, I will be going now.â You turn around as though to leave.Â
Beomgyu moves before he even realizes it. You flinch when he catches your wrist, but to his surprise, you donât pull away. Not immediately. âY/N,â he says, and you seem to shudder in his hold like when he held you that night. âPlease.â
You remain silent for a moment. âPlease, what, Mr. Choi?â you ask harshly. âYou got what you wanted. You saw me. What else could you need?â You laugh. The sound scratches at Beomgyuâs ears. âDo you want to gloat? Over the fact that you were right about Lord Cho, and I wasnât? Because thatâs low, low even for youââ
Beomgyu takes a small step forward and you cut yourself off. He lets your words pass over himâyouâre angry. Maybe even frightened. Youâve spat insults at him before that you actually meant, so Beomgyu knows the difference between that and you simply lashing out from your pain. âI didnât come to gloat,â he says quietly.Â
Your expression crumples. âThen why are you here?â
âI wanted to apologize.â His next words come unbidden. âAnd I wanted to ask if you would marry me.â
A long pause follows his unplanned declaration. Beomgyu doesnât panic, though. Because even though he hadnât intended to give his proposal right then and there, he still meant the words. They just came out a little early.Â
âWhy?â you finally ask.Â
Beomgyuâs heart nearly breaks at your shattered expression, the obvious exhaustion written all over your face. You didnât deserve thisânone of it. If only he hadnât been such an idiot, if only he hadnât run away instead of facing his feelings earlier⊠âBecause I love you,â he says, voice trembling. âAnd if you will allow me, I should like to explain.â
He watches you swallow, throat bobbing as you look down at where his hand still clasps your wrist. You keep looking there for a very long time. âThen explain,â you finally allow, but you donât look back up at him.Â
Beomgyu tries to hide how much that hurts him. It isnât as though he has a right to feel hurt, anyway. âI amâŠincredibly sorry for what I did. Or what I didnât do, I suppose.â He swallows. âI am well aware that no verbal apology of mine could ever make up for leaving you at the Haynesworth ball and I do not intend to make excuses.â
Your eyes finally shift up to his. Thereâs nothing in your gaze, nothing to give any indication that what heâs saying is right, but Beomgyu has been a coward long enough and he wonât continue that streak now. âI should not have asked you to waltz.âÂ
Your gaze shutters immediately and you go to pull away. Beomgyu almost panics and tugs your wrist back. âI did not mean it that way,â he says quickly. âI only meantâŠI was not proper. I should have asked if you had permission first. I should have asked if you were fine with it. I should have remembered the social repercussions of asking you to share such a dance.â
You jerk your wrist out of his hand, but you donât leave. âThen why didnât you?â you ask sharply.Â
Beomgyu winces. Thereâs really no way to make âLord Cho smirked at me which made me extremely upsetâ sound any better than that, but he has to try. âI was already upset that Lord Cho had been keeping your attentions the entire evening,â he says. Embarrassment creeps its way up his neck. âI was jealous. And at some point, when I was about to just leave the whole affair all together, heâŠgave me a look, that made me believe he was doing this on purpose. That he had been keeping you engaged the entire evening to avoid me.â The words, once they leave his lips, sound entirely self-serving and rather egotistic. But he swore to himself he would honest and, well, this is what he felt. âI probably sound rather self-centered,â he admits. âBut it seemed that way to me.â
You donât say anything. You hardly react, even. Beomgyu supposes this is at least better than if you were to scoff at him immediately. âI wanted to dance with you,â he says quietly. âI had waited several hours that night just for the hope of speaking to you. I did not realize it was a waltz before we took to the ballroom floor, but even then, at first, I truly did not care. In fact, I was enjoying it. YouâŠyou were so beautiful. You always have been.â He swallows. âBut there was a moment where we met eyes and IâŠit hit me then. That I was in love with you.â
Youâve gone as still as a statue. Only your eyes move, warily tracking his every movement.Â
âI was scared. Terrified.â Beomgyu clenches his hands at his sides and feels his nails biting sharply into his palms. âI suppose I had some inkling of it before, but I refused to think of it. I was too scared toâI had hated you for so long and weâd only been civil for a few months. I thought, surely, it could not be so. I could not love you in such a short time. But as we were dancing, and as I held you soâŠâ Against his will, his eyes drift to your lips. âI remembered our kiss,â he says quietly. âAnd I knew, then, that I loved you.â
This time, you do scoff. âYou have a funny way of showing it,â you say, bitterness coating every word.Â
Beomgyu flinches, but it isnât as if your words arenât deserved. âI was a coward,â he admits. âAn incredible coward. I realized it then and I couldnât face it. I couldnât think with everyone around us and I was so confused and terrified by the prospect of loving you that I justâŠran.â He drops his head, finally.Â
âYou were so scared of loving me.â You snort. âMe. Yes. Because Iâm just another one of the dowry-less crowd, full of scandal and Lady Whistledown mentions. Who in their right mind would ever fall in love with me?â
âIt wasnât because of that!â Beomgyu looks up at you, stricken. âY/NâMiss L/Nâdo you have any idea how impressive you are?â
For the first time today, you look shocked into speechlessness. Beomgyuâs own face is starting to redden but he forges on. âYouâI was terrified of how quickly I had fallen in love with you,â he gets out. âFor weeks after we kissed, I couldnât stop dreaming of it. I wanted to kiss you again. So badly. And it wasâterrible. I wanted to be around you and only you. I was jealous of Lord Cho and anyone who seemed to be interested in asking for your hand. But I just could not believe I was in love with you, because you areâŠwell, you.â He gestures vaguely. âSweet, kind, intelligent, wittyâŠâ
God, the more he talks, the stupider he feels for not having realized his feelings sooner.Â
âYou are you, Miss L/N,â Beomgyu says. âIncredibly lovely and impressive, extraordinarily strong and brave.â A wave of shame washes over him at the truth of his words. You apologized first. You asked to be friends first. Every step of your relationship beyond the first fake deal was initiated by you, and the moment he realized his feelings, all he did was run. âI was terrified of how deeply I had fallen for you,â he says quietly. âTerrified of how much I felt for you in such a short time. It was cowardly of me to run. I should have stayed with you, and I will forever regret that. In the moment, thoughâŠit was too much for me to process all at onceâ He takes a deep breath. âI donât expect you to forgive me for it. But that is my explanation, in the end. As idiotic as it sounds.â
You look away for a moment. Your cheek turns to him, and again Beomgyu sees the bruise your stepmother left on your skin. The momentary anger bolsters him enough to meet your gaze when you turn back to him. âI trusted you, you know.â More than your words, the exhaustion in your voice strikes Beomgyu to the core. âI trusted you to know the dance, and what it would mean to the ton. What it would mean to me.â You laugh slightly, but there is no humor in the sound. âI thought you might propose to me then.â
Beomgyu bows his head. âI am incredibly sorry,â he says quietly. âNothing can excuse what I did.â
âIt canât,â you agree. âBut it doesnât matter anymore. It has already happened, and anyway, itâs not the worst thing a man has done to me this season.â
He stares at you. Did you just joke about Lord Choâs assault?Â
âDonât look at me like that,â you snap, hunching into yourself. âItâs true.â
Beomgyu swallows. âIâŠsuppose it is,â he mumbles.Â
For a long moment, you two remain silent. âNothing may excuse what you did,â you finally say, âbut at least I can understand it.â And as Beomgyu is reeling from your response, trying to make sense of it, you step back. âI accept your apology,â you say. âAnd I appreciate it. But I think it is best that you go now, Mr. Choi.â You start to walk away. âBrighton will see you out.â
Beomgyu gapes, even as the butler comes back into the room. You said you understood. Understood feeling so strongly that it terrified you, understood the urge to run away that he gave in toâ
Brighton steps toward him but Beomgyu ignores him, catching your wrist again. âY/N!â
You stop, but you donât look back. âWhat?â
Beomgyu senses that he only has one chance for this. Just one chance to say the right thing, or youâll walk away and leave him forever. âWhat did you mean,â he asks, voice ragged, âwhen you said you understood?â
You turn to him, derision scrawled across your face. âYou are a true idiot,â you snap, âif you believe you were the only one who dreamed of the kiss for days afterward.â Then you turn again and try to walk away, but Beomgyu keeps his grip on your wrist. âWhat is it now?â you snarl, whirling back around.
Everything is hitting him too hard, too fast, but this time, instead of running, Beomgyu stays put. You dreamed of the kiss. You thought of it for days on end just as he did, your eyes drifting to his lips the way his drifted to yours. Suddenly Beomgyu remembers moments when he saw your gaze fixated on his mouth for mere fractions of a second before you returned to the conversation, moments when you smiled at him and there was a shyness in your expression that he had never seen beforeâŠ
He remembers the waltz and how you settled so comfortably into his hold, eyes sparkling, lips parted as he lowered you into the crook of his arm. You were so warm. So trusting. So full of a joy and hope that made his heart race.Â
âI trusted you to know the dance, and what it would mean to the ton. What it would mean to me.âÂ
What it would mean to me.Â
Beomgyu is an idiot. An absolute idiot. âMiss L/N,â he says slowly, âdo you love me?â
Your eyes shutter. âIt doesnât matter.âÂ
He holds your gaze. âYes, it does.â
âNo, it doesnât,â you grit out. You try to tug yourself away but he wonât let go. âLet go of me!â
He releases you immediately, memories of your cries a week ago forcing his hand open as soon as the words leave your mouth. But he doesnât let you run away. âAnswer my question,â he says.Â
âIt doesnât matter,â you hiss. Beomgyu hears panic rising in your voice, some sort of fear pushing anger into your tone that he knows isnât real. âWhat about that doesnât make sense to you?â
âIt does matter,â he says, cutting through your panic. âBecause I asked you a question before that you still havenât answered.â
You fall silent.Â
âI asked you to marry me,â he says quietly, each word like a gunshot in the silence. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Brighton slip out of the room again.Â
You say nothing. You donât even look at him. It should discourage Beomgyu, but strangely, in the face of your silence, he feels more hopeful. âSo I ask you again, Miss L/N,â he murmurs, stepping closer, âdo you love me?â
âWhy do you need to know?â you ask, voice less sharp, more pleading. âIt doesnât matter, Beomgyu!â
âIf you can say no, then Iâll leave.â He puts his hands up in surrender, but privately he feels even more hope with the sound of his name from your lips. âI swear it. But you must answer me.â His voice lowers, almost to a whisper. âDo you love me?â
Your silence is more telling than anything you said before.
Beomgyu takes a leap of faith. âIf you doâŠâ He swallows. âThen marry me, Y/N.âÂ
You stay quiet for a long time. A clock ticks nearby, slowly marking every second that passes. Beomgyu feels as wound up as a spring, his muscles so tense it almost hurts, but he doesnât move. He wonât move. Not until you speak.
And eventually, you do.Â
âMy father is dead.âÂ
Beomgyuâs eyes widen. Your lips curve a little, but the movement holds no humor. âWe received the letter a few days ago.âÂ
ââŠI am incredibly sorry.â
âIâm not.â Your words are callous but you shrug like they mean nothingâand perhaps, after all these years, they donât. âI hardly knew him and he hardly knew any of us. All these years, we thought he was trying to make money overseas, but he had actually gambled it all away.â You shrug again. âHe died over a year ago. It took that long for anyone to try and track us down. The country home will need to be sold to pay off his debts. This house is all we really have left and we might be on the verge of losing that too, so I donât care for him at all.â
Beomgyu stays silent against the rolling tide of your fury. He has no right to judge the situation, and nothing he could say would soothe your anger anyway. He had two loving parents, a rarity in this tonâhe can hardly imagine how you feel now, both biological parents dead, one having betrayed you without your knowing for years on end.Â
âI didnât tell you this for pity.â You take a deep breath, and some of the anger dissipates, replaced by your previous weariness. âBut, BeomgyuâŠyou wonât gain anything from marrying me. Nothing at all. Iâm just another girl with nothing to my name except a heap of scandal. I donât have a title. I donât have money. I do chores in the household where I am supposed to be a lady and while I donât care, if this were to spread to the rest of the ton, you would be ruined, too.â Beomgyu follows your gaze down to your bare hands, your palms rough and weathered, your fingertips raw and pricked. âThereâs nothing for you to gain from this,â you say quietly. âNothing at all.â
Beomgyu reaches out. When you donât flinch away, he takes your hand. He rubs his thumb over the skin of your palm, skimming over the lines, the cracks, the scars. âI notice,â he says slowly, âthat you have still not said no.â
You scoff. âRetract your proposal, and I wonât have to.â
âWhat if I donât retract it?â he challenges. âWill you say no, then?â
âYouâre an idiot not to!â you snap. You try to pull your hand away but this time Beomgyu doesnât let go. You glare at him. âDid you not hear a single thing I just said? I canât bring you anything but burden!â
âI love you.âÂ
With those three words, the fight drains out of you almost immediately. Your head slumps over your joined hands and when you finally look back at him, tears sparkle, unshed, in your eyes. âI love you,â Beomgyu says again and even though it feels like his heart is about to leap out of his chest, the words still feel so right, leaving his lips. âI love you, and I want to be with you. To be with you could never be a burden to me because I love you and everything that comes with you.â You open your mouth to say something but he barrels on. âI donât care if you have no dowry. Iâve already told you itâs an outdated notion and I care nothing for it, and besides, my family has more than enough money. I donât need more.â He takes a breath. âI donât care that your hands will never be smooth. Your scars carry the weight of the care you have for those you love, and they have no bearing on the goodness of your heart. And as for your scandalsâŠâ Beomgyu smiles a little, surprised to find some genuine humor in what he is about to say. âI will not have you bear all the burden when the fault is also mine. I am at least half as responsible for all of those scandals as you are.â
You stay quiet. Beomgyu gives up tracing your palm, instead clasping both of his hands over yours. âI love you, Y/N,â he says softly. âNone of these things change that, and they never will.â
âYouâre an idiot,â you say. Your voice is surprisingly steady, but the last syllable trembles just as the first tear slips out of your eye. âYouâre an incredible idiot, Beomgyu. You know all of thisâyou know what sort of new scandal it would create if we marriedââ
âWhat does it say about you, then, that you have still not given me a reply?â
âIâm also an idiot!â you yell. âA bloody fucking stupid idiot who loves you against all of her better judgement. I loved you when you waltzed with me, I loved you when you left me, I loved you when you gave me those glovesâeven though I didnât even it know it then. I thought about you kissing me for days on end and I asked you to be my friend just so you wouldnât stop speaking to me, looking at me, because I couldnât stand the thought of seeing you everywhere and not being able to talk to you. I loved you and I still love you because Iâm an idiot. A bloody, stupid idiotââ You cut yourself off as tears begin to spill down your face. You harshly wipe them off. âI donât want to say no because I love you, you stupid fool. Despite everything I still love you and I always will, and I need you to realize that this is a terrible idea becauseâbecause this will be a mistake, it will be a huge mistake for you if you marry me, but IâI donât know if I can say no.â
Beomgyu lets go of your hand. You flinch, no doubt expecting him to step away, but he instead comes closer. This is hugely improper but Beomgyu doesnât care as he lifts his hand to your cheek to brush away the tears as they come. âThen say yes,â he whispers.
You shake your head wildly. âThis is a mistake, Beomgyu. Youâre making a huge mistake.â
âYou have never been a mistake,â he says quietly. âNot once. Not ever. It was only my mistakes that got us to this point. If I hadnât been so terrified and unable to cope with my own feelingsâŠâ He swallows around the shame that rises bitterly on his tongue. âI am the one who left you at the ball. That was my mistake. But if you can still trust me, Y/N, trust me when I say that loving you was never a mistake for me.â
âI canât do anything good for you,â you say miserably. âSociety will talk about this forever.â
âTheyâll talk about it forever anyway,â Beomgyu points out. âAnd I donât know about you, but Iâm somewhat past caring about what they think of you and me. Theyâll never get the facts right, and I canât control that, butâŠI know that I love you.â His thumb sweeps another tear from your cheek. âAnd if you love me tooâŠâ
âI do.â Your voice is hardly a whisper but the two words embed themselves in Beomgyuâs heart, warmth slowly filling his blood. âI do love you.â
âThen thatâs all that matters.â Beomgyu gently presses his forehead to yours. âI donât care what the ton will say. I want you to be with me, forever. You say you can do no good for me but just having you near meâŠY/N, I have never felt this way for another in my life.â He slides an arm around your waist, pulling you closer gently, gently. âYou are the best thing that has happened to me. I should be honored to have you with me wherever I go. I donât care what you can and canât do for me. Being around you, being with youâŠthat is all I want. All I need.â
You take a shuddering breath. âBeomgyuâŠâ
âIâll take you everywhere, Y/N. Weâll travel far away, go wherever and see whatever you want. We donât need to stay here. We can deal with the ton as much or as little as you want to.â You open your mouth to speak, but he cuts you off. âDonât worry about your servants or your family. I will provide a dowry for Delia. I will buy the house for your brother. Your servants can travel with us or stay in the home, and I will double their wages.â He takes a deep breath. âSo say yes, Y/N.â
You swallow hard.
âSay yes,â he whispers again. âPlease.â
You close your eyes. Tears wet your eyelashes, and Beomgyu fights the urge to brush them away, for that would break the two of you apart. You open your eyes and theyâre red from crying but in this moment, Beomgyu knows he could never tire of this. Of having you close, of seeing you close, of being able to love you like thisâfreely, without regrets.Â
âYes.â The word ghosts over his lips, your breath soft like the wind against his skin. âYes, Beomgyu.â You swallow hard, and though another tear rolls down your face, Beomgyu dares to believe it isnât from sadnessâthat there could be some happiness joining the myriad of emotions on your face. âI will marry you.â
. . . . .
The next morning dawns uneventfully, which almost tricks you into thinking the previous day was just a dream. Thereâs no proof that anything happened beyond your memories, and even then, the idea that Beomgyu proposed to you seems almost too fantastical to be true.Â
But it did happen. You can still feel Beomgyuâs hands encasing yours, his thumb smoothing over the cracks and lines on your palm like his touch could take away the pain. You can feel his forehead pressed to yours, his arm around your waist, pulling you to him. You can feel him, his presenceâfeel the memories of him wrapped around you like a shield against the world.Â
You have him, and you have his promiseâthe promise that he would return the next day, today, with a betrothal ring. The promise that he would marry you and take you far from this place. The promise that he would love you forever.Â
âI will leave now, before your stepmother returns,â he had said, holding your hand. âBut tomorrow I will come. I donât care if your stepmother refuses callersâI will come. And I will have a betrothal ring, and we will be married as soon as we can.â And you had agreed, and he had kissed your hand like you were dressed in the finest silks and jewels rather than your dirty servantâs apron, and he left, and you believed him.
Maybe you are a fool for trusting him so after he left you once. But even knowing thatâŠyou still believe him. You still believe in the man who held Delia like a little princess. You still believe in the man who defended you from Lady Trombley. You still believe in the man who gave you the gloves. And when you hear people talking in the hallway just after the clock strikes ten, your heart lifts, setting several butterflies alight in your stomach.Â
You were right to trust him.Â
Unfortunately, as the minutes tick on, you start to suspect there might be some trouble. While you canât quite hear what your stepmother is saying, the sound of her cold voice permeates through the walls enough that you can tell she doesnât plan on letting Beomgyu in. You abandon your chores in the kitchen and follow the sound of her voice towards the hall.Â
You run into Brighton first, thankfully. âWhatâs happening?â you ask, even though youâre almost certain you know what is going on.Â
âYou have a caller, Miss L/N,â he says. Itâs all he gets out before your stepmother rounds the corner and interrupts.Â
âWe are not taking callers,â she snaps, face even more pinched than usual. âGet back into the house.â
You ignore her. âWho is the caller?â
âMr. Choi.â
Nervous warmth begins to tingle in your fingertips, which almost makes you groanâthis is not the time to be feeling any sort of fluttery butterfly-ness, not when your stepmother is right there. âLet him in.â
Your stepmother snarls. âYou are taking no callersââ
âHe wasnât asking for you, Stepmother,â you retort coldly. âBrighton, please bring him in.â
Brighton, smart man that he is, immediately departs. You brace yourself for your stepmotherâs inevitable incoming tirade. There isnât much in this hallway to put between you and her, so you can only hope Brighton comes back quickly.Â
âYou are not the head of this household.â
You glance at the end of the hallway. You really hope Brighton comes back soon.Â
âYou technically arenât, either.â You take a step back but your stepmother advances faster, her eyes narrowed and sharp. âHenry is. But I donât suppose you want to take orders from a four year old.â
Thereâs a flash of skin, a loud cracking sound, and then pain blooms across your left cheek. You cradle it instinctively, biting your lip against the pain. Well, at least the left side of your face will now be matching the right.Â
Your sharp tongue never fails to get you into trouble these days.Â
âGo back to the kitchen,â your stepmother snarls, her hands folded deceptively calmly at her waist. What a witch. âI will deal with you after I deal with Mr. Choi.â
âWhat, are you going to slap him too?â you snap. âHe is my caller. I will receive him. You have no rightââ
She laughs, high and sharp. âYou wish for him to call on you now, when you look like this? Even if you werenât buried in scandal, I would never let another see you in this dirty garb.â
âAnd whose fault is that?â You snort. âI wouldnât be in this dirty garb if it werenât for you. And for the record, StepmotherâŠâ A smirk creeps across your lips. âHe has already seen me like this.â
Horror flashes across her expression. âYouââ
âI did.â You let your smirk widen. âHe knows.â
You hear the slap before you feel it. The force of her hand against your cheek nearly knocks you against the wall and you donât manage to stifle your cry, pressing your palm to your cheek in a futile effort to relieve some of the pain. A sharp sting rushes up your face, though, and when you pull your palm away, thereâs a thin streak of blood. Her ring must have cut you again.Â
âYouâre an idiot,â you say as calmly as you can. âMr. Choi is here. In this house. Brighton will be back with him in moments. Do you think it will benefit you at all for him to see me like this? To see you like this?â
She blanches. You keep talking, years of rage boiling over. âWhat, lost your tongue?â You laugh humorlessly. âAll these years youâve kept me pent up like this, one of your worst secretsâcleaning for you, washing for you, sewing your clothes and mineâyouâre lucky I cared enough about Delia and Henry not to say anything.â A sneer curls your lips. âYou hit me and you slap me and you know itâs wrong, you know itâs bloody wrong because you never do it in front of the children! Why do you hate me so much? What did I ever do to deserveââ
You see it comingâthe hand rising, the palm flashing. Instinctively you flinch. Your eyes slam shut and you cringe away from the hand, covering your cheek as some small protection against the impact.Â
But it never comes.Â
You open your eyes. Beomgyu stands beside your stepmother, fingers wrapped tightly around her still-raised wrist. If you werenât almost hyperventilating, you might laugh at how comically wide her eyes are, but only a slight wheeze manages to press past your lips.Â
âMiss L/N.â Brightonâs voice sounds next to your ear. You hadnât registered his presence, but it calms you. âAre you all right?â
âNotânot really.â You look at Brighton, whose usually calm expression has twisted with anger, then at Beomgyu, whose face can only be described as the pure embodiment of cold rage. âBut Iâm fine.â You donât take your hand away from your bleeding cheek as you meet Beomgyuâs eyes. âBeomgyu, Iâm fine.â
âNo, youâre not.â Beomgyu drops your stepmotherâs wrist and shoves past her, coming to  a stop right in front of you. For all the anger in his movements, his hand is surprisingly gentle as he pries your fingers away from your face, revealing whatever marks she left moments ago. You hiss as open air hits the cut, but Beomgyuâs thumb soothes it slightly. âIs there anything we can use to clean this?â he asks Brighton with deceptive calm.Â
âI will bring something shortly.â The butler bows, then quickly leaves.Â
Silence falls in the hallway, though Beomgyuâs anger clearly sizzles in the air. His dark eyes search yours for something, and only when his gaze falls to your cheek do you understand what heâs asking.Â
âIâm fine,â you say quietly. âOr, I will be.â
Itâs clear Beomgyu isnât happy with your response, but he does seem to realize you donât want to speak about thisâat least not now. He nods almost imperceptibly, then turns to your stepmother. âLeave,â he snaps. He barely gives her a glance.
She gapes, her mouth opening and closing like a fish. If the situation werenât so charged, you might laugh. âI will not be ordered about in my own home!â she finally manages, her cheeks turning blotchy with embarrassment.
âGood God.â You sigh. âWith all due respect, Stepmother, isnât this exactly what you wanted? For me to be married to a wealthy husband and out of your hair?â You sneer. âIf you donât leave, that fantasy will never come true.â
Her eyes widen more, if that was possible. âYouââ She glances between you and Beomgyu wildly. âYou want to marry her?â
âI donât answer to abusers,â Beomgyu says coldly.Â
âButââ
God, she is the absolute worst. âI donât suggest you make Mr. Choi any angrier than he already is,â you snap.Â
With a last incredulous glance, your stepmother hurries out of the hallway. You breathe a sigh of relief. Finally.
Beomgyuâs gaze immediately softens, though concern still burns in his eyes. âIâm sorry I didnât come sooner,â he says quietly.Â
âYou didnât know.â You shrug. âItâs fine, Beomgyu. Iâll heal.â
âItâs not that,â he says, eyebrows furrowing. âItâs the fact that this has clearly been going on for a very long timeââ
âThat is true,â you interrupt. âBut I couldnât say anything then. And anyone who knew didnât have the power to do anything about it. I am only glad now that I have someone who knows, and who might help protect me.â You take the hand still pressed to your cheek and squeeze it. âI will be fine.â
Beomgyu searches your expression for a long moment. Whatever he is looking for, he seems to find it, because he seems to relax slightly. âIf you say so.â
âI do.â You smile, wincing when the movement hurts your cheek. Beomgyu clearly notices but he also clearly sees that you donât want him to remark on it, so youâre very grateful when he says nothing. You let your voice take on a more playful tone. âNow, what are you here for?â
âWell, I came as I promised yesterday.â His voice takes on somewhat of an edge and you realize he seems almost nervous. Itâs very endearing, and your smile widens. âI brought you a ring,â he continues, producing a small box from his pocket. âIf you will still accept my suit.â He opens the box.
You gasp. A bright emerald decorates the simple gold band, flanked on each side by small diamonds. There isnât much light in the hallway but the gems catch what light there is, sparkling cheerfully in the box. âItâs beautiful,â you whisper.Â
Beomgyu lifts the ring from the box and takes your hand. âIt is yours,â he says, voice clearly shaking a little, âif you should like to have it.â
âOf course I would.â To your surprise, you can feel tears coming to your eyes that arenât just from pain. âMy answer hasnât changed, Beomgyu.â
Relief floods across his expression, a tension disappearing from his shoulders that you hadnât noticed before. âOh. Thatâs good,â he says, smiling slightly. âGood for me, I mean. I justâŠI wouldnât have blamed you if you did.â
You keep quiet for a moment, choosing your next words carefully. âI canât say I wasnât hurt by what you did, Beomgyu,â you finally say. âI was.â
He nods, looking terribly guilty.Â
âBut I also know that you are not characterized only by your mistakes then.â You smile softly, folding your hands over his. âYou are still the man who defended me from Lady Trombley. The man who helped me after Lord Cho. The man who gave me gloves.â
Beomgyu peers at you with his dark eyes, so soft, so kind.Â
âMaybe it will take us time to work past this.â You shrug. âThatâs fine. Everything takes time. ButâŠI know, at least, that I want to work past this with you. I want to be with you.â Your smile grows, trembling on your lips. âWe were idiots for so long. Iâm justâŠIâm just glad we were able to get to this point, at least, without it being too late.â
âWell, we only have you to thank for that.â Beomgyu smiles softly, most of the awful guilt slipping off his face. âYou were the one who apologized first.â
You make a face. âDesperation can do strange things to a person.â
âDesperation?â
Your cheeks feel warm. âAfter you kissed me, I couldnât stop thinking of it.â You turn away, embarrassed. âI couldnât stand the idea of not seeing you again either. I was desperate. So I apologized, because I at least wanted to be friends.â
Beomgyuâs fingers light on your chin, turning you back to him. âWell, you are far braver than I,â he says sheepishly. âI was too scared to say anything, for fear that you wouldnât feel the same way.â
You smile teasingly. âThat just means you have the rest of our lives to make up for it.âÂ
âTrust me, I will be.â And with that, he slides the ring onto your finger, the gold band comfortingly cool against your skin.Â
You hold up the hand, admiring the sparkle of the gems even in the dim light of the hall. âIt really is lovely,â you murmur.
âItâs one of the betrothal rings that has been in the family for a long time,â Beomgyu says. âSoobin had our motherâs, of course, because he is the first born, but I think this one suits you better anyway.â
The emerald glints against your finger, cheerful and bright. You havenât seen the other rings in Beomgyuâs family collection, but youâre inclined to agree with him. The longer you look at it, the giddier you feel, even remembering everything that happened just minutes ago. Itâs almost unbelievable. Youâre going to be married. Married. And to someone you love, even. Your smile widens.Â
âI canât really believe this is happening,â you admit, almost in a whisper. Itâs more to yourself than to Beomgyu, but he hears you anyway.Â
âMe neither.â The society version of him is gone now, replaced by a shyer, almost boyish version of him that endears you far more than is good for the butterflies in your chest. âI mean, less than a few months ago we were still at each otherâs throats.â
âI suppose you can claim all the credit for this, then.â You laugh. âYouâre the one who suggested that ridiculous deal in the first place.â
âI may have suggested it, but youâre the one who took it to the next step.â Beomgyu grins. âOut of desperation.â
You hit him lightly as heat floods your cheeks. âHey, you felt the same way!â
âI did, and I was an idiot for not acting on it sooner.â Beomgyu steps forward, taking your hands, and suddenly youâre so close you swear he could hear your heart beating right now. âIâm sorry for that.â
âStop apologizing. I have already forgiven you.â A rush of boldness course through you and you lean your head against Beomgyuâs shoulder. He stiffens for a moment but relaxes so suddenly you almost flinch, and then his arms come to wrap around your waist. It reminds you of how he held you when you kissed and with that memory, you only sink deeper into his hold. âAnyway, what is that thing they say?â you mumble. âSomething about there being a line in between love and hate?â
Beomgyu smiles and pushes you away, but just so he can look into your eyes. âThere is a fine line,â he murmurs against your ear, his gaze drifting down to your lips, âbetween hatred and love.â
You laugh as he kisses you, his mouth soft and sweet against yours. âYes,â you whisper when you pull away. âA very fine line, indeed.â
. . . . .
epilogue.
âBeomgyu!â You run down the stairs, nearly tripping over your skirts in the process. âWhere are you? Weâre going to be lateââ
A hand catches your wrist as you fly down the last few steps. Beomgyuâs laugh rings out when you screech, his arm pulling you flush against him. âIâm right here,â he says into your ear. You hear the smile in his voice even though you canât see it, pressed to his chest as you are.Â
âI couldnât find you!â You pull away, hoping your makeup hasnât rubbed off onto his outfit. âWhere were you hiding?â
âNowhere.â He sneaks a kiss in between your flailing and you yelp again. âYou just werenât looking hard enough.â
You scowl, but both of you know thereâs no real annoyance behind it. âYou are incredibly annoying,â you inform him, only to be met with another chuckle.Â
Itâs been a year since the last season, and six months since you married. If you had had it your way, you would have married as soon as he proposedâcalled the banns in a week, married in a matter of days after that. With your father dead, however, your entire family was sent into mourning. Never mind that you had never cared for the man.Â
You hated those six months. It wasnât the seclusion from society, which you honestly didnât mindâbut justâŠmourning your father. A man who was barely present in your life. A man whose face you wouldnât have remembered if not for the portrait still stuck up in the drawing room, a man who lied to you for years until he died so far away from home. You almost considered eloping to Gretna Green to escape the months of forced darknessâyouâre fairly certain Beomgyu would have agreedâbut ultimately decided against it. You had participated in enough scandal during the season to last you a lifetime. You didnât need any more of it.
It helped when the three month mark came around and you could change out of the void black gowns and into the lighter colors of half-mourning. Not so much because of the clothes, but because you could slowly begin to accept social engagements again. It isnât that you particularly wanted to see anyoneâthe season was over by then and you were incredibly glad for thatâbut Beomgyu could visit, then. It wasnât as often as you or he would have liked since his family had moved to the country while you stayed in town, but it helped the time pass more quickly, especially when your little half-siblings freed themselves from the clutches of the staff and managed to tumble into the drawing room to join you two. Youâre almost certain Delia has a little child-crush on Beomgyu, and Henry looks at him like a role model.
It's adorable.Â
Still, sometimes those three months seemed interminable. You barely spoke to your stepmother but after so many years of living under her iron fist, you could never feel at ease in the same house as her. When the wedding came around, you didnât invite her and she didnât ask to come. It was a lovely day to celebrate your escape from a life you never wished to live.Â
And here you are, now. Bickering with your husband whom you love in a home you can call your own, free from the back-breaking secret of your previous life and able to live, really live, in a way you havenât been able to in years. You can even go about in society with your head held high, just like you will tonight.Â
That is, if Beomgyu decides to stop stalling anytime soon.Â
He leans in for another kiss but you jerk away before his lips can land on yours. âWeâre going to be late, Beomgyu,â you repeat, forcibly pushing his face away.Â
He looks at you, face mushed still mushed against your hand. You fight the urge to laugh but a smile makes its way onto your lips anyway. âBe honest with me, Y/N,â he says, pulling away with that little twinkle in his eye. âDo you really want to go tonight?â
You open your mouth, ready to respond affirmatively. But then Beomgyu catches you with those very sweet, very alluring eyes, and you pinch your lips together. Heâs already won, you both know, but you have to fight him a little bit. Just a little bit.Â
âYouâre telling me we should skip our first public event since coming back from our very extended honeymoon?â You raise an eyebrow.Â
âWhy not?â he asks, sneaking a quick kiss onto your neck. You yelp, squirming away, but he maintains his hold on your waist all the while. âWeâd have more fun at home anyway.â
You do your very best to ignore the way heâs smiling against your skin. âWe already said that we would go.â
âSomething came up. A terrible emergency that required us to return to the country for another month.â Beomgyu decides that whatever heâs doing right now is no longer enough and begins to lay kisses down your neck, trailing them towards your shoulder even though he knows you are incredibly ticklish over there. âYou canât tell me youâre so eager to return to society.â
You sigh. Beomgyu made good on all of his promisesâhe bought the house for your brother, he set aside money for your sisterâs dowry, and he doubled the wages of all your staff in service. Several of them have followed you to your new home, too. And after your wedding, he whisked you away from London and the upcoming season to show you everything he knew in the continent. It was wonderful to leave England and even more wonderful to see the world, but by the end, you had come to the conclusion that it wasnât just leaving London that gave you this joy. It was the fact that you had someone you loved by your side.Â
Now here you are, ready to attend your first public event of the season, and heâs trying to convince you to stay home.Â
âIâm not not eager,â you protest.Â
âBut you arenât exactly saying youâre eager either,â he retorts easily.
You sigh. âWe promised we would go,â you say emphatically, but even you can tell that youâre losing ground for your argument here.Â
Beomgyu hums into your shoulder, his arms sliding down to wrap around your waist from behind. âIâm sure Lady Park will understand,â he murmurs.Â
That draws you up short. Youâd nearly forgotten who was hosting tonight. âWe are not skipping out on Lady Parkâs ball,â you say, twisting around to look at him fully. âShe is probably one of my only supporters in society right now!â
He makes an affronted noise. âWhat, is my family just chopped liver?â
âThey are family,â you retort. âIt isnât the same. If they didnât support me, we would be in far greater trouble by now.â
Beomgyu falls silent, which means heâs conceding defeatâat least on this front. âFine, weâll go,â he eventually groans. âBut no one said we have to stay the entire night.â He whirls you around so that youâre facing him directly, and his grin becomes something distinctly inviting. Sensual. Your heart begins to beat uncomfortably quickly. âIn fact, no one said we had to arrive on time, either.â
Your mouth suddenly feels very dry. You fight hard to keep your eyes meeting his, and not floating downwards to fixate on his lips. âBeomgyuâŠâ
He grins. He knows heâs winning. âTwenty minutes,â he proposes.
ââŠFive minutes.â
âFifteen.â
âTen.â
âTwelve and a half.â You laugh, and Beomgyu takes your distraction as an opportunity to press his lips to yours again. âTwelve and a half,â he repeats when he pulls away, eyes sparkling. âAnd by the way, did I tell you how beautiful you look this evening?â
You laugh again, despite yourself. âYou are absolutely incorrigible,â you inform him.Â
âAnd yet you still love me,â he points out, infuriatingly correct as usual. âTwelve and a half minutes.â
ââŠFine.â
He has his lips against yours in less than a second, an arm around your waist pulling you protectively close as your own hands wrap instinctively around his neck. âYou are so beautiful,â he whispers against your lips. âI promise, every minute will be worth it.â
Sometimes it just suddenly hits you how lucky you areâhow less than two years ago, you believed you would never find a husband, that you would never find love, that you would be forced to run away to avoid a life slated for a miserable end in your old household. Just a year past you believed this man to be your mortal enemy. When you think about it too much, you start to panic. Now that you have everything, a life that months ago you could only have dreamed of, it all feels like it could be taken away so easily.Â
So as Beomgyuâs lips capture yours again, pressing you against the staircase as his hand rises to caress your cheek, you decide not to think about it. You push your doubt and panic away and focus on here, on nowâon the warmth of his hands and his lips, on the love he manages to convey with every miniscule touch. This life is yours, this life filled with so much devotion and warmth, yours to build, yours to love. And if you know yourself, you will never willingly let it go.
When you break away for air, you donât let Beomgyu pull away too far. You tangle your fingers through his dark hair, grinning all the while. If he notices a few tears of joy threatening to spill down your cheek, he says nothing, just looks at you with his doting smile.
âThat was never in doubt,â you reply, staring into loving eyes. âBecause every moment with you has always been worth it.â
Reblogs and comments are deeply appreciated! Hope you enjoyed this, and have a lovely day :)
pairing: Taehyun x fem!reader
genre: Â fluff, a pinch of angst, regency era!au, nobility!au
warnings: period typical misogyny
word count: 17.8k
notes:
â this is for all the bridgerton girlies who have been going insane just like me <3 highly inspired by francesca/john's burgeoning romance from the first half, so hope you all enjoy!
â some of the dialogue has been lifted from the showâI do not claim any credit for it.
â this takes place in the same universe as my duke!yeonjun story, if you'll have me :) feel free to check that out as well!
When your father calls you home from the continent to join the London season, for the first time in your life, you nearly throw a fit. You are not just the daughter of a viscountâyouâve made a name for yourself in England and abroad with your prodigious talent at the piano, having since childhood performed for royal courts far and wide. You have traveled far and beyond most other ladies of your rank, and to have your career halted all for the sake of marriage to a man who will likely force you to quit your craft is unthinkable. But all your life you have lived without raising a hand to your father, and so when the letter comes, you return home for the season, hoping and praying to make it through without stirring the waters.Â
Enter Taehyun Kang, Earl of Addistonârecently titled, in search of a wife, and as tired of the season already as you are. During a chance meeting at the seasonâs third ball you grow to know each other, and as time passes you grow to like each other, a mutual respect forming when you learn the depths of one anotherâs passions in the arts. In Taehyun you find a respite from the men who would clip your wings for the sake of finding a perfect wife. In you Taehyun finds a kindred spirit who would respect him for himself, and not the lands in his name. Together you navigate the grueling social activities of the London matchmaking project as acquaintances, then as friends, and maybe, just maybeâ
As lovers, too.Â
Part 1 >> Part 2
Series Masterlist | TXT Masterlist
As the white double doors begin creaking open, only one thought rings clear in the mess of your mind.Â
I cannot be the diamond.Â
Cannot. Will not. Your father wishes it, as does your governess and the entire unfamiliar extended family crowding your home for the season, but you canât. Not least because you canât handle the attentionâjust the idea of being presented to the queen makes you want the earth to swallow you wholeâbut also because the longer you can delay finding a husband, the longer you might still find a shred of freedom lingering on your fingertips.Â
It's not fair. Late at night you lie in bed, staring at the dark ceiling as angry tears prick the corners of your eyes. Why is it that men should have the freedom to do as they wish, but women must be pushed into the confines of the household, meant to marry up just to add or promote a title for the family name? All you ever wanted to do was play the piano, and even though your father only saw your lifeâs passion as a way to make money, at least you could do it. You were good at it, tooâyouâve played for the royal houses of Europe, met queens and kings and nobles of so many courts, and while you never quite loved being the spectacle of a child prodigy that your family painted you as, at least you were allowed to play.Â
But now your father, who rarely contacted you since your mother died five years ago, suddenly breaks his frosty silence to demand that you come home, because the royal checks youâve been receiving have now begun to dwindle and the only purpose you can now fulfill for your family is to become some rich gentlemanâs meek wife. And to make matters worse, you wonât see a penny of the money you made yourself. Itâs going to your dowry.
It wonât even be yours.Â
What is most upsetting is that heâs not even entirely wrong. Not about the dowryâyouâre still smarting over your hard-earned money being turned over to some nameless, faceless gentleman of the tonâbut about your musical escapades on the continent. People were eager to watch a child prodigy perform. They cooed and smiled over you like the zoo attraction you were. But as you grew older, you also noticed the invitations dwindling, the interested courts growing smaller, the payments decreasing. All because you were a woman nearing marriageable age, and to be such a prodigy was no longer suitable for your gender.Â
For all your usual mild-mannered shyness, this knowledge makes you want to break dishes against the wall.Â
But since youâve returned to England, youâve kept your mouth shut as you are wont to do. Youâre not the type to scream and rage when things donât go your way. Silence comes more naturally to your lips than shouting and you find yourself nodding quietly to your fatherâs demands more often than not. Still, though, you can have this. You can have the fact that you will not be the diamond.Â
You were worried about it at first. Your name is not unknown by the people of the ton and judging by what little youâve heard of Lady Whistledownâs papers, your return has stirred some gossip around town. Enough gossip that people speculated the queen might crown you her diamond on the sole basis of your celebrityâand as self-centered as it is, you were anxious about that. But it turned out you actually didnât have to worry, because as it turned out, you are terrible at being a debutante.
Everything about it hurts. The feathers on your head, the slim, constricting dress, the jewelry choking your neck and wrists and the pale, slippery gloves that slide against your fingersâyou certainly donât wear gloves when you play the piano. The headdress only accentuates your terrible balance and when your governess had you practice your walk for the first time, youâd tripped every other time you went down the hallway.
Which was not ideal, not for you or for your family. Because even though you donât want to be the queenâs diamond, you also donât want to be the one girl to trip on her face in front of dozens of people and the queen herself. Only instead of motivating you to be better, the thought of tripping kept making you more and more anxious to the point that you felt like youâd throw up each time you saw your debutante gown.
âWhy donât you treat it like a performance?â your governess had finally suggested, wringing her hands at your latest miserable attempt to walk down the hallway with those godawful feathers on your head. âAs though you were to play for the queen.â
The thing is, you have performed for the queen. Not recently, given that youâve been on the continent for a good many years and only returned a few months ago, but you did perform for her when you were much younger. But thatâsâdifferent. Somehow. Your governess and certainly your father might see both situations as the same, but for some reason the idea of parading down an aisle amid dozens of prying eyes, all the while wearing a tuft of white feathers on your head, is terrifying to you in a way that playing the piano for hundreds or more isnât.Â
It doesnât make sense. Which is why you didnât bother trying to explain to your governess why exactly her well-meaning advice wouldnât work, just gave her half a smile and an empty nod as you prepared to try once more. And it had gotten better the more you practiced. Over time you got used to the swaying of the feathers above you, the tiny steps you must take to avoid the headpiece falling to the floor, and all the other millions of tiny things you never thought youâd have to pay attention to. Now, though, as the doors swing fully open, revealing the queen and her entourage at the end of the aisle, framed by every single eye in the room trained on youâ
You freeze.
Time stretches and dilates all at once. Opulent ornaments blend with the walls, gold almost seeming to drip onto the white in a way that, to your spiraling mind, looks like blood. The sea of faces before you blurs into a mass and your heart is pounding, your breath coming out in shallow gasps that canât be doing anything flattering for you in this stupidly tight gown.Â
âY/N.â
Your aunt hisses your name with her unfamiliar voice and suddenly the room comes back into focus. Too much focus. Now everything is too bright and too defined and the gold of the decorations seems to be blinding your eyes. You accidentally lock eyes with the queen at the end of the aisle and all you can feel is the need to throw up.Â
But you canât.Â
Slowly, slowly, you take the first step. Then the next. Feathers sway and your head is starting to spin uncomfortably, but you keep your eyes trained on the end of the aisle, something akin to a smile (or at least a grimace) pasted upon your lips.Â
You halt after what you think is the right number of steps, just a short distance in front of the queen. The same muscle memory that lets your fingers fly over piano keys helps you into your low curtsy, head dipping just enough to be respectful, not so much that the awful headdress tips over. Wait a moment, your governessâs voice echoes through your muddled mind. Count five seconds, then rise.Â
Slowly, you stand, meeting the queenâs appraising eyes once more. Her expression doesnât change. Relief prickles your chestâmaybe she doesnât recognize you, which means she wonât crown you the diamond for the sole purpose of your fame, or maybe sheâs just disappointed and unimpressedâand that relief continues to spread as you stumble out of the room, dimly aware of your aunt following just behind you.Â
âWell, you werenât the diamond,â your aunt sighs. âBut at least you didnât fall. â
Yes, you think fervently as you accept a glass of water from a footman. And thank the heavens on both accounts.Â
. . . . .
Itâs only the second ball, and Taehyun is already not enjoying the season.Â
Ugh. He slips into a darkened corridor and finally allows himself to take a deep breath, the sounds of the party muffled behind the walls. âHow did you do this so easily?â he mutters to the phantom of his brother in his mind.Â
Taeminâs casual grin smiles back at him from behind his mindâs eye and despite himself, Taehyun almost laughs. He knows the answer already. Taemin enjoys thisâthe socializing, the talking, all of it. His brotherâs easy grace and pleasant manners are easily employed in the ballroom, where he can spread charm at will and revel in the attention he receives in reciprocation. Itâs not that Taehyun canât find his way around a conversation or take an easy turn around the dance floor. He can. Itâs just that he doesnât enjoy it the way Taemin does.
But even then, Taehyun still doesnât understand how Taemin navigated the marriage mart so seamlessly. Surely he must have at some point grown fed up with the shiny veneer of the debutante season, the incessant pestering of the mamas when they found out the heir to one of Londonâs earldoms was newly seeking a wife. None of that seemed to bother Taemin that much, though. Two months he went through it with only the barest complaints, and by the third month he was happily married to a woman of a similar temperament. While they might not have been a love match at first, they were certainly an amicable and good one.Â
Meanwhile, itâs been barely two weeks since the season started and Taehyun already wants it to be over.
Heâs pushed it off enough, though. For three years heâs been allowed the excuse of first finishing his studies, then having to put the estateâs affairs in orderâthe news of the inheritance was rather abrupt, after all, and completely unexpected. Heâs only related to the Addiston line distantly through his mother, not even his fatherâwhich is why he was able to inherit even as a second sonâand theyâd had no idea of the connection until the solicitor had shown up to their door with the news. But itâs been three years. With the weight of an estate on his unexperienced shoulders, the next logical step, to society, would be to find a capable wife to share the burden. His parents agree. So does his brother.Â
And so does Taehyun. He just wishes the process of doing so wasnât soâŠperformative. So obviously meant for matches of rank instead of people. Taehyun knows that if he hadnât gotten that chance inheritance, hardly anyone would look twice at him. He might be the son of an earl, but heâs only a second son, and the son of a second wife at that. While heâs certainly not at the bottom of the barrel of potential husbands, without his inheritance, heâd be garnering far fewer glances than he does now.Â
Far fewer.Â
In another better world, maybe it would be easier to find someone with whom he has a genuine connection without having to wade through all the social climbers in this one. Because thatâs what he wants. A connection. Not someone who will simply look at his title and inheritance and pursue those instead of him.
But in this world, that might just be an elusive dream.
Taehyun sighs. Itâs worse now that he lives alone and has grown used to his solitude. Sure, he has friends who come to barge in on him at different times of dayâKai and Beomgyu maintain little sense of decorum around him, in contrast to the Duke and Duchess of Hastings who, though good friends of his by now, do not come outside of calling hour without prior notice. They keep away the lonely spells in an estate that still doesnât quite feel like his. But the silence isnât unwelcome for a quieter person like he, and it remains a sharp contrast to the gaiety of the ton during the season.Â
Which brings him back to here. Now. In some empty corridor of his hostâs home, away from the staged smiles and bright lights of the ballroom. Somewhere he certainly shouldnât be, but as long as he doesnât get caught, Taehyun has little intention of returning to the fray until he can get his thoughts back in order. The muffled chatter of the party is still too loud here so he continues down the hallway, following the echoes of silence andâŠ
Music?
He halts. Sure enough, now that heâs far enough from the noise of the ballroom, he can hear a soft, sweet melody coming from somewhere ahead of him. Itâs haunting, lovely, and as he leans toward the sound he begins to recognize the notes of one of Beethovenâs sonatas. Part of the Tempest sonata, actually. One of the most difficult, and one of Taehyunâs personal favorites.Â
Taehyunâs feet begin to move, the spell of the sonata carrying him to the end of the hallway. One of the doors has been opened just a crack and itâs easy to tell thatâs where the secret pianist must be playing from, the melodies spinning into the air beyond the sliver of an open door.
Common sense tells him he should walk away. The musician seems to be aloneâperhaps tired of the party, just like heâbut nonetheless, that canât spell good fortune for him, especially if they are a woman. Being caught alone with an unmarried debutante would only spell trouble for both of them, more her than he, and for her sake, at least, he canât ruin her prospects just because he couldnât turn away from her music.Â
But something deeper keeps him rooted in place, breaths quiet and shallow, eyes half shut as he leans toward the door as much as he can without tripping over his feet. He enjoys fairy tales, though he is wont to admit it, loves stories of fantasy and magic, and he canât help but compare these melodies to the spells he used to read about. For surely the pianist must be weaving a spell into the air, into every accent and crescendo, every passage of the sonata effortlessly magical to his ears.Â
Taehyun loves music. He loves it almost as much as he loves literature. He took lessons and can play the piano as well as, if not better than many of his peers, but even he is nothing compared to the musician in that room. Nothing compared to the spell of their fingers dancing across the piano keys.Â
Too soon, the music ends. And with its conclusion comes the realization that Taehyun needs to return to the party soon, or his absence will be notedâheâs already spent too much time away, if the two movements of the sonata heâs listened to are anything to go by.Â
Taehyun forces himself to step away from the open door, from the lovely melodies and mysterious musician within. He doesnât turn back even when a new piece begins, though soft notes follow him down the hall, all the way back to the party.
. . . . .
âLady Taylor. Miss L/N.â The smile in front of you is sparkling in a way that leaves you dizzy. Or maybe thatâs just the bright lights overhead. Either way, it is doing nothing to soothe the ache beginning to pulse between your temples. âI do not believe weâve had the pleasure of being introduced.â
No, you havenât. You donât recognize this face or its too-bright smile. âI donât believe we have,â you return, curving your lips as much as you can. âTo what do I owe the pleasureâŠ?â
âMr. Haynesworth,â he says, angular eyes narrowing into what could be a pleasant expression if you werenât so tired. âI noticed you were quite a fine dancer, and wanted to ask if you had a spot on your dance card that I could perhaps take.â
Without really meaning to, you glance at your aunt. She looks back, mostly impassive, but gives you a small nod. Yes, allow him.Â
Your tongue tastes bitter even as you smile at Mr. Haynesworth. âYes, I do. In fact, my next dance is free, should you like to dance the quadrille.âÂ
âAn excellent choice,â he replies, and you have to try hard not to roll your eyes as he begins to sign his name on the card. What wouldnât you give to be at home, in bed, purposely thinking about everything and anything but the season and your daughterly duty to find a husband? Lady Arina Park isnât here to subtly nudge you in the direction of a music room and as far as you know, none of the Tillings play an instrument, so you canât even snatch a quarter of an hour alone with your thoughts and music like you did at the last ball. Besides, your aunt would certainly scold you if she noticed you were gone, just like last time.Â
It's not like it matters, though, because the orchestra music is fading, which means the next dance is about to begin, and you wonât be getting a chance to take a break. Mr. Haynesworth looks up from your card with a little smile and offers a hand. âJust in time,â he says genially. You do your best to feign enthusiasm as you take it.Â
I hate this, you canât help thinking, watching other couples take to the floor. You like to danceâhonestly, you enjoy almost anything that has to do with musicâbut right here, right now, with all the eyes trying to discern who will win Her Majestyâs seasonal title of diamond of the first water (because of all the girls presented this season she still hasnât picked one, and you harbor a nasty hope that she never will), itâs too much. The bright lights of the ballroom. The slippery silk of your gloves against your hands. Mr. Haynesworthâs pleasant smile as he asks you questions against the background of the orchestraâs new tune, each of them polite, noncommittal, and as meaningless as the last.Â
âHow are you finding the party tonight?â
I think the candles are trying to burn right through my eyes into my brain. âQuite lovely indeed.â
âHow are you finding London in general? It must be a change from abroad, no?â
Boring. Stifling. Rainy. âIt is very different, Mr. Haynesworth, though not unpleasant. I imagine that with time, I will grow used to it too.â
âSo you do intend to find a husband this season, if you say you will be here for some time?â
If my father didnât want me husband hunting, I wouldnât be here. âYes, that would be my intention.â
âI hope you will come to enjoy London then, Miss L/N. It is an old city, and it certainly has its charms.â
Of course. âOf course.â
He spins you under his arm and you come to face to face, his nice smile suddenly very close to your eyes. You almost stumbleâmuscle memory had been leading this dance as you tried to answer his questions through your growing headache, and in the midst of that youâd forgotten this part. âI read Whistledown,â he says, completely oblivious to the brief spike in your heart rate.Â
Inwardly, you sigh. Ah, so youâre either going to ask me about piano, or ask me about the fact that the queen still has not chosen her diamond of the season.
âShe says you are quite the pianist, Miss L/N.â
âŠYou would have preferred questions about piano over the nonexistent diamond, itâs true, but what exactly are you supposed to say to that? âI have been playing since I was young.â
âA true prodigy, then. I wonder why the queen has not yet chosen a diamond, though there is clearly one right here.â Despite the compliment, his thin eyes suddenly seem too narrow, the planes of his face too sharp as he leans in ever so slightly. âI hear you spent quite some time with other royal courts during yourâŠlittle tour. How were your travels?â
You nearly pause. Your head still hurts and between the dancing and conversation, your mind is being split onto two different tracks, so it takes you a moment to realize why Mr. Haynesworthâs words offended you.
Little tour.
You do not like how he said the words little tour.
It sounds like how your father talks about your performances abroad. It sounds like when your aunt tells you to stop practicing, itâs time for your French lesson. It sounds like when your cousin sticks her head into the music room and asks you to play more softly since itâs distracting from the conversation downstairs.Â
Dismissal. Accidental or intentional, it doesnât matter. Itâs dismissal of you, your talent, your work, your passion.
Maybe you would have preferred questions about the nonexistent diamond instead.
âI enjoyed traveling and meeting new people during my tour, though it would have meant little without the music,â you reply, unable to rein in some of the bite to your words. âMusic is my passion, Mr. Haynesworth, and the piano my medium. Iâm afraid without either, my life would retain little meaning.â And for the first time that evening, it seems that the higher powers are on your side, because the tune of the quadrille is fading, which means the dance is ending. Keeping your current smile plastered firmly to your face, you sweep into a brief curtsy. âI must see to my aunt, Mr. Haynesworth, and so I take my leave. It was good to meet you.â
Lies, all lies, but it gets you off the dance floor without another word from him. Weaving blindly through the crowd, you follow the paths of fewest people until the chatter of the ballroom is just a faint buzz in your ears and blissful silence fills the air instead.Â
A rush of air leaves your lips all at once and you put a hand to your chest, where your heart is beating just a little too uncomfortably fast. Youâre outside the house, in the gardens, but in almost full view of the front of the home where carriages are lined up, their footmen at the ready. It would be lovely to just be alone, but in public that cannot be for fear of compromise, so you take solace in what little solitude you have now under the moon and stars.
You close your eyes for a long moment. You hadnât realized earlier how hot the ballroom felt, but you certainly know it now as cool night air breezes across your face turned up to the sky. The stars twinkle overhead, comforting pinpricks of light so unlike the burning intensity of the candles and chandeliers within, and all at once youâre hit with the overwhelming thought that you absolutely do not want to go back inside.Â
âIâm not going to survive this season,â you mutter, then quickly glance aroundâno one should have heard that, it sounds so whiney and childish. But in the moment it feels so true. And for two terrible seconds, you feel an overwhelming lump in your throat, a tightening in your chestâ
No. You will not cry. Not here, not now. You bite back the tears, suddenly feeling so alone even in the solitude you sought. No one is on your side. Not your father, your own flesh and blood. Not the aunt who accompanied you here. Not even your governess, who is sweet and kind but ultimately bows to the whims of your father. Only your mother ever understood your calling to music and sheâs dead, five years buried underground, and for all you have healed since that dark time, you still miss her.Â
You miss her so, so much.Â
One deep, shaky breath. Then another. Slowly, your heart rate calms into something that feels more normal, and you tilt your head back up to the sky, letting the midnight blue wash across your vision like a soft blanket. It comforts you enough that you almost donât hear the footsteps against the stone path until theyâre just a few feet away from you.
âGood evening,â a quiet, unfamiliar voice says.Â
Conversation. Exactly what you wanted to avoid in the ballroom. Somehow, though, it doesnât seem so daunting out here. Maybe itâs the silence. Maybe itâs the sky. Maybe itâs the gentle quality of this manâs quiet voice that makes it seem like he seeks the same solace from the night that you do, and nothing more.
âGood evening,â you reply, not quite looking at him as you dip a small curtsy. âForgive me. I was onlyââ
âIn need of some quiet?â He turns around and between the dark hair and half smile and large eyes, your breath lodges in your throat. But any nervousness at this manâs handsome face fades away when you see the softness hidden in his expression, the gentle uncertainty caught between his broad shoulders. âI have been in search of it all night.â
For all your previous mood, this manâs small smile makes you want to smile too. And so you let your lips curve slightly, more than you thought you could without forcing it, and as you do they begin to curve more. âIt seems we are of the same spirit,â you say, and the night seems to laugh quietly with you both. âMiss Y/N L/N, good sir.â
âTaehyun Kang, Earl of Addiston.â He bows slightly. âI am pleased to make your acquaintance.â
. . . . .
A comfortable silence has fallen, and Taehyun has little desire to disturb it, but your name keeps rolling around his head, a little too familiar for someone heâs only met today. Thereâs something about your face, too. Heâs certain the two of you have never been introducedâheâs fairly sure he would have remembered your smile, which seems to complement the night sky perfectlyâbut at the same timeâŠ
Someone opens the door to the mansion and a few orchestral notes follow them outside. Orchestra. Music.Â
Oh.Â
âMight I askâŠâ he begins slowly. He almost wishes he could take back his words when you turn to him, but heâs already started, so he continues. âYou are Miss Y/N L/N, the celebrated pianist?â
You lips part, like you didnât expect the question. Embarrassment starts to crawl up his cheeksâit would be mortifying if you said no, even more so if you had no idea who he was talking aboutâbut then you nod, surprise still coating your features. âYes, my lord. I am.â
Oh. Oh. This isâmaybe worse than if youâd said no. Because this means Taehyun is in the presence of someone famous, someone with celebrity, someone he admires and respects even though theyâve never met face to face beforeâ
Calm down. âI saw one of your performances a few years ago,â he says, forcing his voice to remain level. You open your mouth to say something but Taehyun barrels on because if he doesnât say it now heâll never say it again. âI was in Germany to visit a friend. We went together. I, umââ and this is when he stutters, because of course it isââI found your performance most impressive. Particularly Beethovenâs Appassionata. Your interpretationâŠit was perfect to me. There was a delicacy to it that made it uniquely beautiful.â He coughs and prays the night hides the warmth that has crept into his cheeks. âI suppose I just wanted to say that you are a very talented musician, and you must have worked very hard to come so far.âÂ
You look away, and in that moment Taehyun does fear that he said too much. He might have presumed a level of familiarity you werenât comfortable with, or maybe you donât appreciate being complimented in public, or maybe he just said the wrong thingâbut then you look back at him, and even with only the moon and stars to light your face, itâs plain to see the smile curving across your lips, pleased and proud and limited only by the shyness and humility of your nature, evident as you give him a small curtsy again. âThank you very much, my lord,â you say, and if your smile was complemented by the night before, now it sparkles at brightly as any of the stars. âIt meansâŠso much to me that you would say such a thing. Truly.â
Taehyun smiles. A little more shyly than heâd like, but no matter. âIt is not a difficult thing to say these things,â he replies. âYour performance then was impeccable, as Iâm sure it is now.â And now that the connection has been made, a memory from the second ball of the season suddenly returns, of a dark corridor and a beautiful sonata. Were youâ? âIf I may ask, were you the one playing the piano at the Kimsâ ball just a week ago?âÂ
You blink. âYouâŠheard that?â
All of a sudden Taehyun realizes the implications of his wordsâthat he was at the ball, that he decided to leave to wander the dark corridors, that he heard you playing and not only didnât hasten away at once but stayed to listen for long enough to make this connection. None of them paint him in the best light, and one of them is far worse than the others, if taken the wrong way. âIâm so sorry,â he apologizes, and if his face wasnât warm before, it certainly is now. âI happened upon it by accident. I was only trying to find some quiet away from the ballââÂ
âMuch as you were just now,â you interrupt, and Taehyun almost flushes even more before he sees the small, amused smile on your lips.Â
âYes,â he agrees sheepishly. âI heard music coming from one of the rooms and it wasâŠbeautiful. The Tempest is one of my favorite of Beethovenâs works. You played it wonderfully, and I couldnât help but stay and listen for some time.â He bows his head. âI hope I have not been too forward or made you uncomfortable. If I have, I do apologize.â
âDo not apologize,â you say, a bashful hint returning to your own voice that Taehyun finds very endearing, especially when you duck your head slightly. âPlease, my lord. I am onlyâŠdeeply honored that you hold me in such high regard.â
Taehyun relaxes, his own smile growing wider. âEarning that regard was not difficult,â he says. âEven my friend, who has much less knowledge of music than I do, was fairly blown away, and almost inspired to take piano lessons because of you.â
You laugh. âYou must jest, my lord.âÂ
âI do not,â he replies, laughing as well. âHe is not here tonight, but perhaps someday you two will meet, and his praise will be even more effusive than mine.âÂ
âIn that case, I eagerly await that day.â You look at him, a question in your eyes. âMight I ask, my lordâyou mentioned that you have some knowledge of music? Are you a musician yourself?â
âOh, IâŠdabble.â Taehyun laughs a little. âWith the piano. I quite enjoy it, but I am nowhere near as good as you.â
âBut you have a musicianâs ear and heart,â you say, conviction in your tone, and Taehyun finds himself rooted under the strength of your gaze, under the stars, under the night sky. âYou appreciate the art and the work that goes into it, which is more than I can say for most.â
Taehyun opens his mouth. Closes it. Opens it again. âI suppose you are right.â
You duck your head a bit, shoulders suddenly hunching. âI apologize, if I was too forwardââ
âNot at all!â he says quickly. âNo, not at all. Forgive me, it has simply been a long night and my conversing skills are somewhat frayed at the moment. I appreciate your words, Miss L/N. Very much.â
For a moment, you seem to search his face, like youâre looking for something. Whatever it is, you seem to find it, and when you do, your shoulders thankfully relax. âI was only speaking what I felt to be the truth, my lord. And, for what it is worthâŠâ You pause, your expression somewhat strange before it settles into a genuine smile. âThis conversation is one of only a few that I have truly enjoyed tonight.â
He laughs, your quip unexpected but welcome. âIt must have been a long night for you too, then?â
âYou have no idea.â This time, you two laugh together. âActually, Iâm sure you do. There are only so many times you can be asked the same questions and give the same answers, or hear the same topics and remain sane.â You shake your head. âIf the queen plans to choose a diamond this season, I wish she would just hurry up and do so. It seems to be all anyone can talk about nowadays.â
Taehyun raises an eyebrow. âShe has not yet chosen one?â
âApparently not.â You shrug. âMy cousins say Lady Whistledown writes about it in every issue. I suppose it is a source of gossip, butâŠto be quite frank, I do not understand why the queenâs opinion on one woman reigns so supreme in the marriage mart. Should not the couple choose each other based on their own perceived merits, and not solely because the queen approves of one but not the other?â A short pause, and then your shoulders slump. âThough perhaps I only do not understand because I have been away for so long.â
âWell, I quite agree with you,â Taehyun says frankly. âI do agree that the queenâs approval would be a feather in anyoneâs cap, but anyone who only sees the title of diamond and nothing else, I believe, would not make a happy marriage, even if the diamond agreed to the match. I donât believe a title alone is any sort of solid foundation upon which to make a partnership.âÂ
You look up, meeting his eyes, and a moment of understanding seems to pass between the two of you. A smile that looks much like relief curves your lips. âI agree, my lord,â you say softly. âIt is a relief to know that I am not the only one of these opinions.â
Taehyun came outside for fresh air, for a respite from the chaotic buzz of the party inside. He came outside for solitude. But though he found conversation instead, he finds himself feeling better than he perhaps would have, had he immediately gained the silence he sought. Your quiet, frank honesty is as refreshing to Taehyun as the night air itself and he realizes he would love to continue your conversation, if not forâ
âY/N!â
Both of you start at the sudden shout of your name from the mansion doors. An older woman comes striding out, a stranger to Taehyun but evidently more familiar to you. Not altogether welcome, though, it seemsâyour shoulders tense and immediately your gaze shutters somewhat as the woman draws closer. âLady Taylor,â you say quietly, turning back to Taehyun with a smile significantly more strained than before. âMy aunt, and my chaperone tonight.â
He nods once. âI see.â
âY/N, Iâve been looking for you for half the night,â Lady Taylor scolds as soon as she is near enough, which does little to endear her to Taehyun after she interrupted his time with you. âWhy do you insist on disappearing so?â
âMy apologies, Aunt Taylor,â you say. Taehyun doesnât miss the brief clench of your fingers at your sides. âI went to find some fresh air, and then found myself caught up in conversation with Lord Kang.â You gesture to him. âLord Kang, please meet my aunt, Lady Taylor, Viscountess of Wentworth.â
Taehyun bows politely as your aunt curtsies. âA pleasure, my lady. I am Lord Kang, Earl of Addiston.â
Her eyes widen ever so slightly at the mention of his title, and he bites back a sigh. So she knows of his estate and inheritance, too. âCharmed, my lord,â is all she says, though, before turning back to you. âPlease forgive my interruption. Y/N, you must come back inside. The ball is not yet over, and several gentlemen are still waiting to dance with you.â
You glance down at your dance card, then back up at him, your face twisted in apology. âI must do as my aunt says,â you say quietly. âThough it was a pleasure to make your acquaintance, my lord.â
âAnd the same to you.â He smiles as easily as he can, and maybe heâs just hoping, but your smile seems to become a little less forced too. âIt is getting late and Iâm sure your dance card must be full, so I will not keep you further. HoweverâŠâ He inclines his head slightly, respectfully. âPerhaps if we meet again, I hope you will indulge me if I ask you to save a dance for me, so that we might continue our conversation where it left off?â
This time, heâs sure heâs not imagining the softening of your face and the return of some sparkle to your eyes. âI would be honored to, my lord,â you say, curtsying. âHave a good night.â
He bows. âI wish the same to you.â
. . . . .
The last few days since the Tillingsâ ball have been dreary and wet, full of gray clouds and rain. Today, though, when you wake, the clouds have cleared to reveal the bright sun set against a shimmering blue sky. When your cousins come bursting into the music room to take you on a walk, you donât even argueâthe afternoon looks beautiful, and even you are itching to go outside.Â
âYou spend so much time cooped up in that little room,â your oldest cousin scolds when you meet everyone in the entryway, though thereâs a smile on her face so you try not to take her words the wrong way. âYou need some fresh air.â
You smile back as best as you can. âI appreciate the concern, Lilly, but worry not. Iâm as eager to see the sun as you are.â
It is pleasant, feeling the sun on your skin after days of grey skies and intermittent rainfall pattering on your windows as you tried to practice. Truth be told, by yesterday you were feeling restless, too, so you canât even blame the children of your family for wanting to run around as they do now, leaping happily under the blue sky.Â
You stick to the back of the group, quietly watching Lilly and your other cousins try to corral their children under the watchful eye of Aunt Taylor. Jieun looks particularly frazzled as she tries to chase down her youngest and you take pity on her, scooping up the child the next time she runs past and giving her little forehead a small tap that makes her giggle. âBe careful,â you warn gently, handing her to a grateful Jieun. âDonât get hurt, or your mother will worry, yes?â
It's not just your family. It seems as though the entirety of London has come out to enjoy the wonderful weather. The park is green and bright and almost seems to shimmer under the sun, and laughter and chatter fill the air with faint birdsong. You may enjoy spending your time cooped up in that little room, as your cousin says, but you are glad you came out today for the sun on your skin and the joy in the air.
âYou are good with the children,â Lilly says beside your ear. You startâyou hadnât realized she was so close until she spoke. âWonât it be wonderful when you have children of your own, and they can all play together?â
Please, Lilly. âMaybe.âÂ
âSound more excited, will you?â she laughs. âYou canât mean to not have children. Or are you already married to your music?â
Your smile is wavering, but you heave it back up with the teeth-gritting reminder that she doesnât mean it badly, she doesnât mean it badly, she doesnât mean it badly. âIâm not married to my music, insofar as I cannot marry an intangible thing,â you respond as dryly as you can. âIâm not sure even the priests at Gretna Green would agree to perform such a ceremony.â
âYou know what I mean,â Lilly says, scooping up one of her children. Both of them seem to eye you in a way that makes you feel defensive. âWhen will you emerge from your music room, Y/N, to see the rest of the world around you?â
Thatâs not fair, you want to say. I have emerged from my music room. I just find that I donât necessarily enjoy whatâor whoâawaits me outside.
Like the incessant demand that you marry and produce children for an unnamed man who will control you for the rest of your life.Â
âI see the world as much as I like to,â is all you say instead, but Lilly has already been distracted by her toddler trying to wiggle out of her arms. You leave her to it, and drift behind everyone once more.Â
Itâs not that you donât want to have children. Itâs not even that you donât want to get married. Itâs just that you resent the fact that it is your only option. You donât even think youâd mind marriage and children if you could still live with your music, but the way everyone else talks about it, itâs always one or the other. Give up marriage for the piano. Give up the piano for marriage.
Not that the first option is even a choice.Â
You take a deep breath. Breathe in the fresh air, the scent of flowers and grass. The sky doesnât seem as blue as before, nor does the sunshine feel as welcoming, but itâs still there, and itâs still pleasant enough. Lilly means well, and she doesnât mean to be dismissive. Youâre still unmarried and still not the diamond. The world isnât ending.
Jieunâs youngest finds her way behind your skirts once more, giggling when you turn around to chase her down. A smile finds its way to your face that isnât forced because she really is adorable, and her little laughs soften your expression when you swing her up and warn her again not to hurt herself.
âMiss L/N?â
You whirl around. As does the rest of your family.Â
ââŠLord Kang?â
There he is standing just a few feet away, looking as surprised to see you as you are to see him. âMiss L/N,â he says again, a smile spreading across his face. âI didnât expect to see you, though I suppose you and your family are here to enjoy the weather as well?â
âYes, we are.â You smile back, trying not to cringe when the toddler still in your arms tries to grab at your hair. Thankfully, Jieun appears to relieve you of her child in that moment, whispering hurried apologies into your ear as she whisks past. âMy family thought it would be good for the children to see the sun.â
âAnd for you!â Lilly whirls into the conversation with a beatific smile and the outward countenance of nothing but an angel. You grit your teeth as she continues. âMy cousin spends far too much time indoors at that piano of hers, she hardly sees the sunlight.â
Lord have mercy.Â
âWell, I have heard she is quite accomplished at it,â Lord Kang replies easily, that smile never wavering on his face. âSomething has clearly come of all those hours she has dedicated to practicing.â He turns to you with that lovely smile and those dark eyes, and while he was handsome under the night sky, it canât compare to what he looks like now, under the sun. âIt seems good fortune has brought us together before the next ball of the season, Miss L/N. Would you mind if I joined your walk, so that we might continue our conversation from the other night?â
Well. You blink once or twice, casting a glance at your aunt, who seems about as confused as you are. In the absence of her input, you choose to assent. âOf course, my lord. We would be honored.â
And so the walk continues, though Lilly and Jieun continue to shoot you confused and excited glances every so often. You ignore them as you best you can, which isnât hard when Lord Kang is beside you.Â
âItâs good to see you, my lord,â you say. âHow have you been since the Tillingsâ ball?â
âWell enough, though the rain has been somewhat dragging on my mood over the past few days.â He shrugs. âSuch is London, though.â
âIt is a bit dreadful to think of, if this is what itâs always like,â you say, only half joking. âMore time for me to practice, I suppose, though I must admit I am very happy to see the sun.â
âAnd to be with your family?â
ââŠOf course,â you respond quickly, though youâre sure he can see exactly how you feel about the group youâre walking with, judging by his half smile.Â
âI understand,â he says quietly. âIt is not always easy when oneâs kin doesnât quite appreciate the depths of oneâs interests.â
You quirk an eyebrow. âYou have experience with it too, my lord?â
âWith music, somewhat,â he admits. âBut more so reading. My family is well-read, of course, but many of them cannot fathom that I would usually rather be in my library than socializing with the ton.â
âI would agree with your sentiment.â The two of you laugh. âWhat do you like to read?â
It takes a little prodding, but your question eventually launches Lord Kang into a spiel about classics, about authors old and new, novels and philosophy and literature of times so far in the past that you almost canât fathom it. Truth be told, you donât know much about what he speaks ofâyou enjoy reading, but your books of choice tend to be the popular novels of today, and while you recognize some of the classic titles he mentions you canât say you particularly enjoyed them. But listening to him talk about them, hearing the passion behind his every word, is captivating in a way that youâd never have thought possible when speaking of Plato and Aristotle. And in the midst of this, he never makes you feel out of place or stupid. He answers each of your questions with enthusiastic verve no matter how basic they are, and by the time his friends are calling for him from the end of the park, youâre both so wrapped in your conversation that you almost donât hear them.Â
âIâm afraid I must go,â Lord Kang apologizes when you finally point out the two men making their way towards you. âI promised I would meet them later.â He suddenly looks a little shy, which is a more endearing expression than youâd have expected on his handsome face. âI hope I did not bore you with my talk. I know this subject is not the most interesting to everyone and I can getâŠcarried away with it.â
âNot at all,â you respond immediately. âTruly, not at all. I love hearing about the interests that others have, and clearly this is a deep one of yours. I enjoyed our conversation immensely.â You draw a short breath. âIn truth, it wasâŠvery good to speak with someone other than my family today.â Your smile, though not forced, feels considerably smaller than it was before. âI do not have many friends in the ton, as I was abroad for so long. Thank you for taking pity on a poor soul such as I, and speaking to me as one.â
Lord Kang steps forward and takes your hand gently, so gently. When he looks into your eyes it is as though he sees all of your soul and your breath catches at the warmth of his palm against yours. âIt was never pity,â he says sincerely. âYou are a wonderful person with whom to speak, and if I may presume, the beginnings of a very good friend. I look forward to the next time I may see you.âÂ
You fight to keep your voice steady against the rush of heat in your cheeks. âAnd I you, my lord. Have a wonderful evening.â
The setting sun perfectly frames his lovely smile. âUntil next time, then.âÂ
The pressure of his lips against your skin lingers long after he has disappeared, long after you have returned home, and long after you have retired for the night.
. . . . .
Beomgyu pounces the moment theyâre all seated at the club. âSo who was that?â
Taehyun really should have expected this. Even with that knowledge, though, he still has to roll his eyes. âWho are you talking about?â he canât resist asking. Beomgyu is annoying. He has to be annoying back, sometimes.Â
âThe girl you were with. The debutante.â Beomgyu grins, undeterred. âWho is she?â
Taehyun gives up. Heâll never win against Beomgyu. âMiss Y/N L/N,â he says, conceding defeat. âWe met at the Tillingsâ ball a few days ago.â
Kaiâs eyes widen. âThe pianist?âÂ
âThatâs the one.â Taehyun grins. âI told her you were almost inspired to take lessons because of her.â Kai groans, and Taehyunâs smile only widens. âShe was flattered.â
âAnd I bet she laughed,â Beomgyu adds.Â
âShe did.â
Kai just screams into his hands.Â
âI donât believe that you didnât make a fool out of yourself either,â Beomgyu accuses amidst Kaiâs muffled screaming. âYou admired her at least as much as he did, probably more for your love of music. How much of an idiot did you look when you realized it was her?â
Taehyun is an honest man, but only to a point. âNot much at all.â
Beomgyu snorts, but thatâs when their drinks arrive, so Taehyun thanks the higher powers for intervening before he was forced into revealing the truth of warm cheeks and night air. âAnd how goes you and your lady friend?â Taehyun asks before Beomgyu can pick up his line of questioning again. âLast I remember, she was threatening to slit your throat with your own letter opener. Have there been any recent developments?â
Itâs Kaiâs turn to laugh while Beomgyu scowls. âOh, are there,â Kai snickers. âItâs only the most interesting thing in Whistledown right now, second only to the continued absence of a diamond in the field of this seasonâs debutantes.â
Taehyun raises an eyebrow. âItâs made it into Whistledown?â
âAn entire paragraph on the row they had at the last party in the country, right before the season started.â Kai grins. âI know you arenât a fan of the gossip papers, Taehyun, but you have to read this one. Iâll send you a copy tomorrow. I can only wonder why Whistledown decided to wait until this issue to write about it, though perhaps such a sensational story needed several weeks to perfect.âÂ
Beomgyu scowls even harder as Taehyun laughs. âI donât know why that woman Whistledown canât mind her own business,â he complains. âIt was a private argument.â
âA private argument in the gardens outside the hostâs home, loud enough that we heard it from inside,â Taehyun says dryly.
âYes, well, sheâs irritating,â Beomgyu snaps, taking a gulp of his drink like he needs it to clear his memory. âWhy do you keep asking me about her? I donât want to talk about it, sheâs infuriating.â
âYou sure talk about her a lot for someone who says he doesnât want to talk about her,â Taehyun smirks. âAlso, youâre the one who tried to embarrass me first.â
Beomgyu growls. âItâs just ridiculous that sheâs still angry over something from when we were children!â
âI donât know, Beomgyu.â Taehyun shakes his head, hiding a smile. âI was there, and that was a lot of cake. And it washer birthday.â
âYes, well, she threw dirt at me after that!â
âIt sounds to me like youâre still pretty hung up over something from when you were children, too.â Kai sips at his drink, eyes glittering amusedly over the glass.Â
Beomgyu just glares at both of them.Â
âAlright, weâll stop.â Taehyun snickers. âAt least until I read the copy that Kaiâs going to give me.â
âRead all you want.â Beomgyu rolls your eyes. âItâs one paragraph. And from the look you were giving the L/N girl earlier, thatâs not even going to be the most interesting part of the paper to you.â
Taehyun blinks. âWhat?â
âSheâs been in the papers,â Kai says. âSheâs famous, remember? Whistledown gave her a whole half paragraph when she returned to town and her father announced her debut.â
Taehyun resists the urge to hit himself over the head. If heâd been in the habit of reading the gossip papers, maybe he wouldnât have been so damn blindsided when he spoke to you at the Tillingsâ ball the first time. âI suppose that makes sense.â
âI always make sense,â Kai sniffs, pointedly ignoring both Taehyun and Beomgyuâs snorts. âBut how is she, as a person and as a debutante? Iâm quite curious as to the persona behind the world-famous pianist.â
Taehyun opens his mouth, then closes it. Takes a sip of his drink. How exactly should he describe you to people you havenât even met? Youâve only spoken twiceâdoes he even have the right to say anything? âSheâs very sweet,â he eventually says. âA bit shy, I think. Itâs interestingâshe doesnât seem to enjoy being in the spotlight, though she clearly enjoys piano and performance. But sheâs very humble, and I think sheâs a very bright young lady.â
âNot without her own sort of wit and charm, then?âÂ
Beomgyuâs looking at Taehyun in a way he isnât quite sure what to make of, but he answers anyway. âVery much so. You would probably enjoy a conversation with her.â He smirks at Beomgyu over his glass. âSheâd probably like you, against her better judgment.â
Beomgyu cackles. âOf course she would, Iâm a joy to be around.â
âYouâre certainly something to be around, though Iâm not sure Iâd use the word âjoy,ââ Kai intones, taking a sip of his drink. âIs she adjusting to London well? She was abroad for a good many years.â
A snippet of your conversation from earlier comes to Taehyunâs mind. Your admission that after spending so much time away from London, you donât have many people with whom to have a simple conversation with, just as simple friends. âShe seems to be fine,â Taehyun replies slowly. âThough she mentioned it was a bit difficult to make friends after so long abroad.â He canât imagine how hard the season must be for you, with a family who doesnât respect your passion and no one to really confide in. For all he teases Kai and Beomgyu, he canât imagine navigating life without them.
âThe Duchess of Hastings was in a similar situation before she married Yeonjun,â Beomgyu says, and heâs giving Taehyun that strange, discerning look that he couldnât decipher before. âWhy donât you introduce the two? Her Grace also quite enjoys music, I think they would get along quite well.â
âInvite her to the Hastingsâ gathering next week,â Kai adds. âOf course ask the duchess first, but Iâm sure sheâd be happy to extend the invite.â
Thatâs actually brilliant, and Taehyun is privately put out that he didnât think of the idea first. The more he thinks of it, the more heâs certain that you and his cousin could be good friends. âYes, Iâll do that,â he says, half-rising out of his chair. âIâll write to the duchess as soon as I can.â
âSurely not now?â Kai raises an eyebrow at Taehyunâs half-standing position. âYou still have the whole night, thereâs no reason to leave your drink unfinished.â
Taehyun flushes and sits back down. Kaiâs comment makes complete senseâwhy was he standing up so urgently, anyway? âOf course,â he says, taking a sip to hide his embarrassment even though itâs definitely not fooling anyone. âBy the way, Kai, how are your family affairs going? Surely your uncle still isnât trying to lay claim to any part of your inheritance.â
Itâs an obvious ploy to distract from his own embarrassment but Kai thankfully takes the bait, immediately putting forth an impassioned spiel about his arguments with his uncleâs idiotic solicitor that would put any of Shakespeareâs soliloquies to shame. Itâs easy enough to laugh along and commiserate with Kaiâs troubles that Taehyun allows his mind to wander a little, to the thought of you and the duchess meeting, to the beautiful music that is sure to follow, to the smile that will hopefully adorn your lips when you meet another woman who appreciates music as much as you.Â
âYouâre smiling an awful lot, Taehyun,â Beomgyu says, bringing Taehyunâs attention back to the present. Heâs smirking a little and so is Kai, but Taehyun for the life of him cannot understand why. âDid you find Kaiâs story really that funny?â
âNo, Iâm sorry.â He sips his drink, gesturing for Kai to continue. âI just got a little lost in thought.â
Kai keeps talking, and Taehyun goes back to listening. In the back of his mind, though, heâs hearing soft melodies in the darkened corridor of a mansion, and seeing the night sky twinkling above.Â
. . . . .
Maybe someday receiving callers will no longer make you feel like flying to pieces.Â
Today, however, is not that day.Â
Four gentlemen callersâone of them Mr. Haynesworth, with whom you almost couldnât hide your displeasure at seeing. The other three were pleasant enough and mostly inoffensive, but by the time the fourth caller came, you were running out of ways to begin small talk and based on your auntâs subtle glare in your direction, it had probably started to show.Â
Itâs somewhat amusing, if not also somewhat depressing, how bad you are at speaking with strangers. Youâve performed for royal courts and houses of nobility for years, but when it comes to carrying a conversation, you can only bumble your way through inane small talk for so long before you run out of the headspace for it. Though privately, you think thatâs a little unfairâit seems only right that it would be the callerâs job to ensure the conversation kept going, since they were the one who made the call, so you shouldnât have to put in all the effort. But based on every glare or sniff or cough your aunt sent in your direction whenever the conversation faltered, that apparently is not the case.
Itâs over, though. At least you think it isâitâs nearly five and no one has showed up since the last caller left. And if it isover, that means you have no one to entertain for the rest of the day. Your governess has already promised to bring your dinner to your room, and you plan on locking yourself in your music room for the rest of the night after that.
Itâs like a reward.
âThe biscuits are almost gone,â Aunt Taylor says, standing up from the settee. âI will have a servant bring more.â She fixes you with a stern stare. âDonât slouch. It is not quite five, and you may still receive another caller yet.â She then sweeps out of the room, and once sheâs gone, you slump into the cushions a little more, ignoring your governessâs fretful eyes.Â
As if anyone would come calling now, really. Ten minutes to five, which means hardly enough time to begin a conversation once the initial pleasantries were dished out even if someone arrived right at this second. You sink a little further into the couch. Aunt Taylor wonât be back for another couple of minutes at least. You can take at least that long to be comfortable.Â
Sooner than youâd like, footsteps sound in the hall outside. You quickly pull yourself up, smoothing out your dress, and await the renewed presence of your aunt.Â
Only it isnât your aunt. You blink when a footman enters instead, a card held in his hand. âA caller, my lady,â he says, squinting at the card. âLord Kang, Earl of Addiston.â
What?
Of course, it is then that your aunt decides to sweep back into the room. âAnother caller?â she asks sharply as a trailing servant places a refilled plate of biscuits on the table. âWho?â
Thankfully, your governess has recovered from the surprise more quickly than you have. âA Lord Kang, my lady,â she says. âEarl of Addiston.â
Your aunt throws you a sharp glance. Inwardly, you wilt a littleâsheâll be sure to interrogate you after this, asking you to recount every last detail of your and the earlâs conversation yesterday in the park even though you already told her everything you could remember last night during dinnerâbut for now she says nothing as she nods to the footman. âBring him in, please.â
For some reason, when you stand, your heart begins to race. You force yourself to take slow, deep breaths. It may be Lord Kang, but he called with only five minutesânow lessâleft on the clock. Surely he canât have much to say.Â
Though, a little voice in the back of your mind says, youâd much rather talk to him than any of the four who came earlier today.
Footsteps sound lightly in the hall, thankfully keeping you from pursuing that train of thought down unsavory paths. But then Lord Kang appears in the doorway, looking as handsome and gentle and polite as he has every time youâve spoken to him, and itâs all you can do to keep your voice steady as you welcome him to your home.Â
âLord Kang.â You curtsy, your smile widening in a way that comes more easily now than it has all day. âWelcome. I hope you have been well since we last spoke.â
âI have been, and it is a pleasure to see you all again,â he replies, bowing politely. His eyes meet yours and, in the sunlight streaming softly through the window, they almost seem to sparkle. âI apologize for calling so late in the hour, but I had some business I had to attend to before I delivered this to you.â He produces a small envelope from a pocket and extends it to you.
You look at your aunt, who seems equally bemused as you. âIf I may ask, my lord, what is this?â you ask, feeling the smooth paper between your fingers.Â
âMy cousin, the Duchess of Hastings, is hosting a small party next weekend,â he says, either ignoring or not hearing the collective half-gasp in the room at the mention of the duchess. âShe and the duke have just come in from the country for the season, and she is holding a gathering for some friends and family. I mentioned that I had met you, and she was quite excited to extend you an inviteâshe is also an avid enjoyer of music and wonderful pianist, so I am sure you two will get along very well.â
You feel a little lightheaded. Sure, youâve performed for royalty, but youâve never been on close terms with any of them. You were very clearly the entertainer and they the entertained, with very little chance to cross that line even if you were of a mind to. But now Lord Kang is offering you the chance to become acquainted to a duchess, just a step below royalty, and who loves music and is a pianist at thatâ
One corner of the envelope digs into your finger. Just a slight pain, but enough to remind you that this is real and not a dream.
A quick glance at your aunt earns you a subtle but very emphatic nod, so you look back to Lord Kang with a smile wider than it has been all day. âPlease tell the duchess that I would be delighted to come,â you say. âThank you for the invite, my lord. I do look forward to this event.â
âIt is my pleasure.â Lord Kang smiles, and you donât think itâs your imagination when you muse that it might be a little brighter than it was before. Itâs certainly not your imagination when you briefly think you might like to look at that smile for a lot longer. But then the clock chimes and the smile falls, replaced by a sheepish expression. âApologies again for calling so late, my lady.â
You shake your head. âIt was no inconvenience at all.â
âBe that as it may, I will not keep you longer than the calling hour lasts,â he says, sweeping a bow. âGood day, Miss L/N, Lady Taylor. I look forward to seeing you again soon.â
. . . . .
âTaehyun!â
Taehyun turns to the sound of his name, not bothering to hide the wide smile spreading across his face when he sees who called for him. âYour Grace,â he greets as his cousin comes closer, her eyes sparkling. âItâs good to see you.â
She waves a hand. âDispense with the formalities,â she sniffs, and then they both laugh. âHow have you been? Ohâremind me before you leave, but my footman will help bring some of the books I need to return to your carriage.â
âThat would be wonderful, thank you,â he says sincerely. âI also brought some of my own books to recommend, as well as the ones you asked for. And Iâve been well, though Iâve learned that the season is rather moreâŠdaunting, than I would have expected.â
The duchess nods sympathetically. âI donât honestly believe itâs fun for anyone,â she admits. âExcept maybe the dancing. But there are plenty of young ladies this season who would be a good match for anyone, if Whistledown is to be believed. Speaking of.â Her gaze wanders to the entrance. âIs that her? The debutante you asked to invite?â
Taehyun turns around, catching sight of a familiar face, and smiles. âYes, that is.â
You step into the room with a sort of trepidation that Taehyun sorely understands. In the moments before you see him, you look somewhat lost, your own eyes wide as you take in the whole room. Your expression seems a bit overwhelmed so Taehyun wastes no time in catching your eye, and when you recognize him something like relief seems to pass over your face. Somehow, you two meet in the middle of the fray and for one strange moment Taehyun finds himself almost breathless. âLady Taylor. Miss L/N,â he greets, pressing a soft kiss to your gloved hand. âIâm so glad you were able to come. Please allow me to introduce you to Her Grace, the Duchess of Hastings.â
Lady Taylor curtsies, as do you. âItâs a pleasure to meet you, Your Grace,â she says, her strong voice carrying just a hint of awe. âI am Lady Taylor, Viscountess of Wentworth, and this is my niece, Y/N L/N, daughter of the Viscount L/N.â
âIt is wonderful to meet you both,â his cousin says, beaming widely. âAnd especially an honor to have met you, Miss L/N. Youâve caused quite a stir in town with your own fame here and abroad.â
Surprise flutters across your expression, replaced with a sort of embarrassed pride that Taehyun finds very endearing. âYour words do honor me, Your Grace,â you say, voice soft and shy, something of a far cry from the animation you displayed during the Tillingsâ ball, or during your brief promenade in the park. You donât look frightened, though, just somewhat in awe, so Taehyun brushes off his initial concern. âParticularly since the earl has mentioned that you are a lover of music, too. You give me high praise.â
Taehyun watches his cousin laugh and blush a little, and happiness bursts in a small bubble in his chest. Sheâs settled beautifully into her role as duchess and into her life with Yeonjun, but sheâs still looking to widen her own circle of friends after spending so long abroad. The two of you begin to converse, your own shy face animating the more you speak, and with a smile and quick excuse, Taehyun ducks out of the conversation, heading toward the other end of the room.Â
Yeonjun catches his eye first. âTaehyun!â he calls, beaming wide.Â
âYour Grace,â Taehyun replies, settling into the circle that includes the duke, Beomgyu, Soobin, and Kai. âHow have you all been?âÂ
Yeonjun pulls an exaggerated frown. âHasnât my wife told you to dispense with the pleasantries when we are among friends?â he asks, and Taehyun laughs because yes, she did exactly that. âCome, have a drink.â
Taehyun accepts the proffered glass and takes a sip. âYou really pulled out all the stops for this,â he says approvingly, swirling the amber liquid inside.Â
âWhat can I say?â Yeonjun shrugs airily. âMy wife organized this. The least I could do is help make the event a success.â
âWith expensive alcohol,â Soobin deadpans.Â
âExactly.â
Next to Taehyun, Beomgyu coughs very strangely. It almost sounds like heâs saying something like head over heels, actually. Then he yelps and Taehyun looks down just quickly enough to see Soobinâs foot pressing hard onto Beomgyuâs.Â
Kai and Taehyun exchange glances. Taehyun has to look away to avoid bursting into laughter.Â
âDonât worry, Beomgyu.â Yeonjun beams beatifically over his own glass of expensive alcohol, sharp eyes glinting at his cousin. âSomeday youâll find a lady who will send you into fits of apoplexy with her beauty and wit, and on that day youâll understand. Or maybe youâve already found her.â He adopts a thinking expression. âWho was it that Whistledown mentioned? The lady from your childhood, Missââ
Beomgyu lets out an incomprehensible noise somewhere between a screech and a snarl, and if they werenât in Yeonjunâs own home, Taehyun thinks Beomgyu might have jumped the duke. As it stands, though, they begin bickering, which leaves Kai, Soobin, and himself to look at each other with raised eyebrows and exasperated smiles.Â
âLetâs step away from the rabble,â Soobin suggests, and the three of them drift a short distance away. âI donât understand how Iâm related to them, sometimes.â
âWell, every family has its own set of strange relations,â Kai mutters.Â
âYou would know,â Taehyun says, and they all snort.Â
âDo the inheritance squabbles still show no sign of ending?â Soobin asks curiously. âI would have thought by now that itâs become abundantly clear your uncle has no real claim to anything your grandfather left.â
Kai rolls his eyes. âUnfortunately not. But let us not speak of it now, please. Not in polite company,â he says, indicating the rest of the room. âJoin me at the club sometime, and I will update you on all of it.â
âOf course,â Soobin says, dipping his head in apology. âHow about you, Taehyun? How goes the season? I know you intended to find a wife by the end of it.â
Without really meaning to, Taehyunâs gaze wanders to the other end of the room, where you are still engaged in lively conversation with the duchess. âIt is tiring in a way I did not really expect,â he replies. âTaemin didnât complain much when he went through it, at least. ButâŠâ He pauses, wondering how much to tell. âI have met some very interesting young ladies.â
Kai snorts. Taehyun flashes him a short glare. âWhat?â
His friend doesnât back down, just raises one mischievous eyebrow over his drink. âWell, I just think that I would say thereâs one young lady that you find more interesting than all of the others.âÂ
Taehyunâs ears burn. He very purposely avoids looking in your direction again.Â
âWell, do tell.â Soobin cocks his head, his own eyes glinting. âAnd donât spare details.â
âThereâs not much to tell,â Taehyun snaps, ignoring Kaiâs snicker. âIâve been speaking to Miss L/N, is all. The pianist,â he clarifies, and Soobinâs eyes widen in recognition. âSheâs a very lovely young woman. Accomplished, not just with the piano, and very kind.â
âSo lovely, actually, that he asked Her Grace to invite her today,â Kai adds.Â
âWhich one is she?â Soobin asks, ignoring Taehyunâs hiss of you suggested inviting her first! âIs she the lady speaking to the duchess now, with the rather dour-faced woman behind her?â
Taehyun sighs in defeat and nods. âYes, she is.â
They all turn together, and almost at the same moment, the duchess turns in his direction as well. She catches his eye and immediately starts to head his way, bringing a small group with her. Kai glances at him with an eyebrow raised, but all Taehyun can do is shrug with similar confusion.
âLord Kang,â she says as soon as theyâre near enough to speak. âMr. Huening. I understand that the two of you have seen Miss L/N perform before in Germany?â
They nod. âIt was a most impressive performance,â Taehyun says earnestly. âA lovely program, played beautifully and wonderfully well.â
âIncredibly so,â Kai chimes in. âIn fact, I was almost inspired to take music lessons because of it.â
You look supremely embarrassed, but the smile on your lips is still sparkling in your eyes in a way Taehyun hasnât seen yet. âSo you are the friend Lord Kang mentioned when we first met,â you say, and Taehyun has to laugh even as Kai flushes in embarrassment. âOhâplease do not be embarrassed, Mr. Huening. Your words do me a great honor, truly.â
âYou are far too modest, my lady,â Taehyun replies, and while everyoneâs attention turns to him, he keeps his eyes fixed on yours. âThe praise is well earned, I hope you know that.â
âWhich only means that the lady should honor our humble request,â Lord Jung says, a twinkle in his eye. âWe were just asking that she take a turn on the pianoforte for us. A private performance, if you will, from one of the most accomplished musicians in our society. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for many of us, after all.â
A chorus of agreement sounds from your little group and begins to ripple outwards to the rest of the room as well. People begin to turn, expectation and excitement bright in their faces, but Taehyun glances at you only to find your expression somewhat frozen.Â
All at once he remembers the dark night at the Tillingsâ ball, the exhaustion clear in your face and your voice when you admitted you were searching for quiet, too. Are you tired now in the same way? He subtly inches a little closer to you and whispers lowly, âYou do not have to if you do not wish to.â
You look up at him and your expression clears, eyes turning soft as you smile at him. âWorry not, my lord,â you reply. âI would love to perform. I was just momentarily overwhelmedâI wasnât expecting quite so much enthusiasm. I do thank you for your concern, though.â
Taehyun smiles, shaking his head. âYou are too modest,â he repeats. âThe enthusiasm is only to be expected with a name such as yours. I am excited to hear what you play for us, too.â
You donât have the chance to refute his praise because his cousin is taking your arm and leading you to the empty piano, the rest of the room excitedly whispering behind you. Taehyun watches you sit down at the keys, running your fingers over them with an almost reverent touch, your head bowed slightly over the sea of black and white as though in prayer.
And maybe it is a prayer, Taehyun thinks. Reverence paid to your love, musicâlike one paying thanks to their god. The thought is beautiful, and as you straighten slightly, positioning your hands at the instrument, he canât help but admire you more.Â
He doesnât recognize the piece you play. Itâs a lovely work, the quiet melody evocative of the night and dark while short, bright stanzas bring to mind the stars, and as your fingers waltz softly across the keys, Taehyun loses himself in the beauty of the music and the beauty of you. It is not that you werenât beautiful beforeâfar from it, actuallyâbut seeing you in your element, with people who clearly appreciate your work and talent, is a spectacle Taehyun knows he will never tire of watching. It isnât just the music. Itâs the way you play it, the way you move with the melodyâitâs the way you embody the music with your whole being that adds to the beauty of the moment, and the loveliness that is you.Â
You finish the piece to silence, everyoneâs collective breath hushed as you coax the last note from the piano strings. For a long moment, even after the final echoes of music have faded away, you remain bowed over the keys, eyes closed, hands suspended in the air before they drop softly to your lap.Â
The first clap hardly breaks you from your reverie. Even as the applause grows, even as you curtsy to the shouts of Brava filling the room, you still seem like you are being pulled from the loveliest dream. Briefly, Taehyun wonders what it would be like to be in that dream with youâwould it be like floating among the stars, letting their soft light wash over his body, or would it be like lying on a field of green grass at night, staring up at the moonlit sky?
You meet Taehyunâs eyes and in a moment you seem to jerk awakeâyour smile widens, your expression brightens, and he canât help but do the same as you curtsy again and again. All the time his eyes never leave your face, his mind never leaving the beauty of your performance.Â
Kai sidles up to his ear and snorts when Taehyun barely notices him. âYou are going to court her, arenât you?â he asks without preamble.Â
âYes.â Taehyun doesnât even turn his eyes away from you to reply. âYes, I am.â
. . . . .
At the start of the season, youâd hoped that the daily parade of balls, gatherings, promenades, and callers would die down a bit as the weeks went on. The season itself is six months, already half a yearâyou really thought there would be no way that the steady stream of events could continue for so long.Â
This, apparently, is not the case.Â
Itâs been a month and there is no sign of the flow ebbing even slightly. Even when there arenât massive balls that the entire ton is invited to, there are still the smaller gatheringsâsmall parties, invites to dinner, promenades in the parkâand even during the events where only the women are present, the talk always seems to turn to the season, to the debutantes, to engagements and marriage, and most of all, the fact that the queen has still not chosen a diamond.Â
Youâve heard all manner of stupidity about this last topic of gossip, and it honestly annoys you more than anything else youâve seen during the season. If the queen hasnât chosen a diamond by now, youâd like to say, perhaps that means she simply does not plan to. But apparently the idea of a diamond being absent for the entire season is simply unthinkable to the mamas of the ton, and so after the separation of the sexes at every dinner party you attend, youâre forced to listen to them run the topic into the ground.Â
The duchessâs gathering last weekend was a lovely respite from such talk. It was a much smaller gathering, mostly friends and family of the duchy who no longer have much of a stake in the season or who have lived long enough for them not to care. You were very lucky to have gotten an invitation to it at all. It was the first event you attended that you truly enjoyed from start to finish and you walked away from it with both a lingering happiness, a possible good friend in the duchess, and a promise of a call from the lord who invited you to the gathering in the first place.Â
Even now, you canât stop the rush of heat to your face when you remember his sincere compliments after your performance at the duchessâs. The way his large eyes sparkled so earnestly, his words sweet but respectfulâit is true that you have only known him for a few weeks, but in that moment, you remember thinking that with every meeting your estimation of his character only seems to improve. And it isnât just because he is effusive in paying you compliments for your performances. Lord KangâŠhe sees the person behind the performer, the hard work behind the talent. Of course it helps that he is somewhat of a musician himselfâyouâd love to hear him play sometimeâbut he clearly respects the work anyone puts into their own craft, from what you gathered in the conversations you shared with others at the party.Â
Before you left, he had found you again and asked, somewhat shyly, if you enjoyed reading about music history or theory. When you responded yes to both, he told you he had several volumes on the subjects in his library, and would be happy to lend them to you if you wished.Â
Aunt Taylor was not pleased by your stammering reply. Neither were you. But it was such a kind gesture that it took you aback for a good few moments, and by the time you had finally managed to convey that you would love that, you felt a true mess. Lord Kang didnât seem perturbed by it at all, though. His smile only widened, and he said that then he would have to call sometime the next week, to see you and bring them to you.Â
Your governess is certain he means to court you. So do your cousins, though Aunt Taylor has forbidden them from gossiping about it as it isnât a sure thing yet. You arenât quite as certain as they are, but deep inside, battling with the part of you that fears marriage and its shackles of responsibility, another part of you hopes that she is right.
The prospect of Lord Kangâs call is really what keeps you going through the seemingly endless nights of dinner parties and mindless chatter, small talk made with family friends you hardly remember and debutantes who either talk about topics you donât know or care little about, or who look like they want to be there about as much as you do. You find a few kindred spirits among those who are bold enough to whisper their disdain aloud, though, and they make the time more worth it.Â
Still, when the morning of Lord Kangâs call comes, you canât help but feel as though a new light shines on the day. Cousin Lilly slyly remarks that you look more excited than usual as she removes her toddlers from the drawing room in anticipation of calling hour, and even Aunt Taylorâs hissed instructions to sit straight or youâll turn a perfectly good suitor away doesnât dampen your mood much as you settle into the couch, watching servants flit about with last minute preparations.Â
Just a few minutes after the clock strikes three, a footman enters the room. âLord Kang has come to call, my lady,â he says.Â
You force yourself to breathe properly as your aunt tells him to bring Lord Kang in. For once, you thank the heavens for your auntâs beady-eyed attention to detail. While her sharp critiques may sting more than they help when directed at you, it means that the room is clean and bright. Lord Kang should find himself most comfortable when he comes in. Or so you hope.Â
âMy lady,â he says, kissing your hand. âI trust you have been well since we last saw each other.â
âQuite so, and I hope I might say the same for you,â you reply. Honestly, youâre quite proud of yourself for keeping your voice so steady when your heart leapt so wildly the moment his lips touched your knuckles.Â
âYou may,â he says, eyes crinkling with a little mischief. âAnd as promised, I have brought you the books I mentioned when we spoke last time. I do hope you enjoy them.â
âIâm sure I will,â you say, taking the small stack of books with delight. Their worn covers speak of frequent and fond use, you note, scanning the titles embossed on their spines. âOh!â you exclaim, sliding one of them out of the stack. âOh, Iâve been wanting to read this for quite some time.â You beam up at Lord Kang. âThank you so much, my lord.â
âIt is my pleasure,â he replies, a lovely soft smile on his lips. âAnd, please, take your time reading them. Do not endeavor to return them sooner than youâd likeâIâve read them all, so you need not rush.â
âYou are most kind,â you reply sincerely. âOh, which reminds me.â Placing the books on a nearby table, you pick up a few sheets of music from the drawing room piano. âYou mentioned last time that you had not heard the piece I played, and that you found it quite beautiful,â you say, extending the music to him. âI thoughtâŠI thought you might like to have the music. If you wanted to learn it yourself.â
Lord Kang takes a moment before he accepts the music from your hand, which makes you a little nervousâwhat if he doesnât care for your gift? Thereâs no way it really compares to the volumes heâs lent you, you think miserably, but itâs all you could think of to give in return. But then he looks up from the black notes inked on the page, and that lovely smile of his has widened along with his bright eyes. âThank you so much,â he breathes. âThis isâŠthe most perfect gift, my lady. I hope you will not mind me borrowing it for a time.â
âOh, do not worry about returning it,â you say, smiling. âThis is a new copyâI have my own for myself. This one is for you.â
âWell, in that case, I know what I will be doing when I return home,â Lord Kang replies, and the two of you laugh. âI can only hope to learn this piece half as well as you have.â
You laugh again, hiding a shy smile behind your hand. âAgain, my lord, you flatter me too much.â
âNo, I fear the world does not flatter you enough.â His words are so sincere, so earnest that you momentarily find yourself at a loss for words. And itâs then, of course, that you notice youâre both still standing. You havenât even offered him a seat yet.Â
âYou really are too kind,â you reply, internally screaming. âPlease my lord, do sit. We have some refreshments if you should like any, and our cook can prepare others if you are feeling particular.â
Lord Kang truly does have perfect manners, you note as you sit down together. He compliments the chef, your aunt, your governess, all so quickly and smoothly you barely have a moment to bat an eye. And then, when youâre floundering a little for a way to begin a conversation, he again takes the lead and engages you easily with a question about the composer of the music you gave him.Â
Itâs so easy to talk to him. Not just because heâs a wonderful conversationalist, which he is, but you feel comfortable around him in a way that you havenât felt with any of the other suitors youâve entertained over the past couple of weeks. Part of it is your shared interests, of course, but he listens to you with an attentive and respectful air that makes talking to him so much easier. It doesnât feel fake, the way it does with some of the other men. It feels as though he really cares about you, your interests, and what makes you happy.Â
And because of this, itâs not difficult to reciprocate in kind. As he mentioned during your promenade, Lord Kang clearly loves literature. When you ask about his library, his enthusiasm about the subject is infectious. At some point you land on the topic of an author that you both have read, one that he enjoyed and you didnât, and it sparks a lively back-and-forth that has both of you laughing in the end. Youâre nowhere near as well-read as he is, and in this conversation it unfortunately showsâhis opinions on the author are deep and nuanced while you struggle to articulate what it is about the writing that made you dislike it soâbut he remains patient and respectful, and despite your lack of knowledge, just like when you spoke during your promenade, you never feel out of place or embarrassed.Â
âYou are so well-read, my lord,â you say at the end of your little debate. Your throat rasps a little from speaking so much but you hardly notice, youâre smiling so hard. âHow did you come into possession of so many books, and how do you have the time to read them all?â
âWell, both my mother and father enjoy collecting books, so I grew up surrounded by them,â he replies. Of course, you thinkâsuch a love for literature must have been cultivated from a young age, just as your love for music. âI took it upon myself to read as many as I could when I was a child, and so when I went to school I quite enjoyed my classics lessons. Upon inheriting the earldom, I was pleased to learn that the estate came with a very large library that the previous lord had left.â At that, Lord Kangâs smile softens. âIâve been spending all the free time that I can reading as much as possible. The late lord must have been collecting books for a very long time, thoughâsometimes I wonder if I will be able to finish them all before I pass on.â
You nod in sympathy. âI feel the same about all the sheet music I have collected over the years. I always want to add more to my repertoire, but thereâs just so much in the world. I could certainly never hope to finish it all, though perhaps that is the beauty in it. The beauty in creation, I mean.â You glance at the music you gifted him, lying on the table beside you two. âI believe art is a tribute to humanity, to human emotion and empathy. People will be composing and writing throughout my life and long after my death, and to know that this beauty continues on even though I will not be there to share itâŠI think that is beautiful. It is a wonderful tradition, passed on through the ages, and I will always be honored to have been a part of it.â
A short silence falls after your declaration. Suddenly self-conscious, you look up to find Lord Kangâs eyes riveted to yours. âThat is a lovely way of seeing things,â he says softly. âI had never thought about art before in such a manner.â
You duck your head, heat crawling up your cheeks. âMany perspectives exist when it comes to the philosophy of the arts, my lord. This is only mine.â
He cocks his head, meeting your eyes again. âAnd a lovely philosophy it is, my lady.â
Thankfullyâor unthankfully, reallyâyouâre saved from having to come up with a response by the entrance of your footman. âAnother caller has arrived,â he says, glancing at you, then Lord Kang, then at your aunt. âShall I send him in?â
You glance up at the clock. Already half an hour has passed, though to your mind it feels like only seconds have slipped awayâcertainly not thirty minutes, already ten minutes over what a normal call would be. Inwardly you curse the next caller for having come too soonâactually, for having come at allâbecause while you may not know him well, youâre quite certain Lord Kangâs impeccable manners will have him clearing out before the next caller comes in.Â
To your chagrin, youâre right. Lord Kang quickly stands and you follow suit, still cursing the clock and the caller. âI will not intrude upon your next call, my lady,â he says, and maybe it is delusion but you fancy he sounds somewhat put out when he says this. âI have already taken too much of your time.â
âNot too much at all, my lord.â You curtsy to his short bow. âI did not realize so much time had passed, but I quite enjoyed our conversation. And thank you kindly for lending me your books. I will be sure to enjoy them.â
âOf course.â He inclines his head with an enchanting smile. âAnd I must thank you again for your kind gift, my lady. Perhaps by the next time we meet, I will have learned to play it.â
You grin. âI do hope so. It would be so lovely to hear you perform sometime.â
With that, Lord Kang makes his goodbyes, and youâre left to welcome the next caller. He is thankfully not Mr. Haynesworth, as you had privately been dreading, but really, you feel that any caller would have paled in comparison to Lord Kang. Lord Kim, whom you met at the last ball you attended, isnât rude or vile or even awkward. Heâs a gentleman, all things considered. But after the requisite greetings, he begins the call with an outright statement about his plans for the future, which leaves you half-floundering for a response after your previous lively conversation with Lord Kang.Â
Lord Kim doesnât share any of your interests. He barely feigns interest in your music, and though he doesnât say it outright, youâre almost certain he would want you to give up the piano if you were to marry. Though thatâs not even what bothers you the most, you realize only when heâs about to leaveâitâs the fact that he didnât even ask you about it. Itâs the expectation that he seems to have that you would do what he says without question, without the respect of even considering your passions and interests when planning out the rest of your possible life together.Â
Later that night you lie awake in your bed, staring at the dark ceiling as you run through the events of the day. In an ideal world, you ask yourself, if you were to be married, what would make it a perfect marriage?
No conflict. Perfect understanding of one another, and perfect respect. But really, those are impossible demands. Youâre not sure any marriage would be perfect without conflict, anywayâsuch a relationship sounds awfully like a domineering husband and submissive wife, which you hope to fully steer clear of.Â
But understanding and respect, even if not perfect, doesnât seem like it should be so unattainable. Marriage, you think, should be a partnership. And a partnership implies a mutual respect for one another, no? And maybe the definition of respect varies from one person to another, but for you, it involves a consideration of your interests and how deeply they play a role in your life. Because for you, before now, almost your entire life was music. You canâtâwonâtâgive it up just to play a role in society. So is there anyone who might give you that respect?
The answer is obvious already.Â
You sigh, rubbing a thumb over where Lord Kang kissed your hand earlier in greeting. He certainly seems to be the ideal, at least for you. Your mind returns to your avid conversation, and his complete attentiveness to you.Â
Few people have listened to you like he did today. Your mother did before she died, and sometimes your governess does, but not many others. You need that, you realize. You need someone, or something, to hear youâitâs partly why you poured so much of yourself into the piano when your mother passed, because it felt like only the instrument could hear you and understand your pain, your grief. That is what you need in marriage. In partnership.Â
And, you think, remembering large eyes and a soft, wide smile, thereâs only one person you know who seems to fit this ideal.Â
. . . . .
âYou look like youâre having quite a lot of fun.â
Taehyun turns from where heâs been staring at the drink table for probably a little too long. âYeonjun? I didnât know youâd be here tonight.â
The duke picks up two glasses and hands one to him. âWe werenât certain if we were going to come either. The duchess decided last night that she wanted to get out of the house for some time, so here we are. â
Taehyun nods. âCome to think of it, I havenât seen the two of you out much since you returned to town.â
âItâs only been a couple of weeks since we returned,â Yeonjun defends. âThere was and still is much to sort out, and unfortunately I have to return to the country next weekend to supervise the removal and fixing of some of the farmersâ equipment.â He sighs. âI hate responsibility.â
âIt will all be fine, Iâm sure,â Taehyun comforts. Yeonjun and his wife are two of the most capable people he knows; heâs certain they will be alright no matter what challenges they face. âJoin us at the club tomorrow afternoon,â he offers. âKai, Beomgyu, and Soobin will be there too.â
Yeonjun brightens immediately. âI will be there.â Then he squints his eyes into a mock frown. âAre you all now meeting without me? Is it because Iâm old, and married, and jaded now?â
âWell, when you put it that wayâŠâ Taehyun snickers into his drink as Yeonjunâs pout deepens exaggeratedly. âNo, we just met up a few times when you were still in the country. Youâll be included in every invite now, I promise.â He pauses. âThough of course if you are busy, you are under no obligation to come.â
âThank you very much.â Yeonjun grins, that eye smile that drove so many debutantes insane appearing on his face. âBut enough about me. Now about you.â He fixes Taehyun with a stern eye. âI thought you were looking for a wife? You wonât have much luck with that, staring at this array of drinks.â
Taehyun makes a face. âI think many of these mamas want to find their daughters husbands more than I want to find myself a wife,â he mutters.Â
Yeonjun nearly chokes into his drink. âThatâs certainly one way to put the issue,â he coughs out, recovering. âThough I heard from Beomgyu that there is already a lady you have decided to court?â
ââŠYes.â Taehyun narrows his eyes. âHow did you know that? I only told Kai.â
âHe says he heard it from Kai, so I think we know what happened there.â Yeonjun shrugs as Taehyun sighs. âApparently you didnât say it was a secret.â
He didnât. But all the same⊠âHeâll be the death of me, someday,â Taehyun mutters. âBut yes, I have someone in mind. Miss L/N. You met her a couple of weeks ago, at the gathering.â He pauses, then decides he may as well just be out with it. âIâve been calling on her since.â
âThat is wonderful to hear,â Yeonjun replies sincerely. âIs she here tonight?â
âShe said she would be.â Taehyun glances around the room. âI specifically asked, because we keep seeming to miss each other at all the other balls. If Iâm there, she isnât, and if Iâm not, she is.â They share a little laugh. âI havenât been able to find her here since I arrived, though.â He gestures helplessly at the drink table. âHenceâŠâ
Yeonjun makes a little âoâ of understanding. âI see. And you do not want to dance with any of the other debutantes?â
âI already have,â Taehyun says, glancing at the bustling dance floor. âIâm justâŠtired, I suppose.â He tries to smile. âYou know how it is.â
He doesnât, not really. In the year since Taehyun gotten to know the duke, heâs come to the conclusion that Yeonjun is like Taemin when it comes to things like thisâever social, ever happy to entertain and be entertained. But also like Taemin, he understands that Taehyun is different, and tires of these things much more easily than he does. âI understand,â Yeonjun replies sympathetically. A little glint enters his eye when he sees something just behind Taehyun. âIf youâd like, I can cover you for a bit. So you can find some quiet.â
Taehyun casts a glance back. Sure enough, a small group of mamas and their daughters seem to be eyeing him and the duke. âThat would be most appreciated,â he says gratefully.Â
Within moments, Yeonjun has skillfully engaged the group of ladies in conversation and has also managed to snag a hapless Wooyoung into joining him, leaving Taehyun to slip past the throng. As the rooms grow less crowded and the corridors quieter, he takes a deep breath, reveling in the silence.Â
Only it isnât completely silent, even in this empty room. If Taehyun listens carefully, he can catch a hint of a melody that isnât just the remnants of the orchestra fading in from a nearby corridor.Â
Within moments, heâs heading down the corridor, a smile curving his lips as he searches for the source of the music.Â
He finds the room with a little difficulty, following the sound of your performance down corridor after corridor. When he finally stumbles upon the slightly cracked open door, Taehyun is reminded of the second ball of the season, where he heard you that first time. He didnât know it was you then, but he certainly knows it is you now. It helps that this is a piece heâs heard you play beforeâitâs a lovely Mozart sonata you performed when he called on you a few days agoâbut your style is also so distinctive that even though Taehyun has only heard you play a handful of times, even not knowing the piece, heâs almost certain he would still know it was you.Â
Taehyun smiles just beyond the room, leaning closer towards the open door. He wonât disturb youâeven though he aims to court you, he would never trap you into a proposal by having someone catch the two of you alone together. He just wants to listen. And perhaps, when youâre finished, heâll be able to catch you when you return back to the party, and you two can share a dance.Â
Itâs strange that in all the times youâve met, the two of you have not yet danced together once. Taehyun aims to rectify that as soon as he can, if you will allow it.Â
And allow it you will, he thinks. Heâs certain heâs not the only one who has noticed how well you two get along. You must have felt it too, just as you must also have seen by now that he is quite interested in you.  And heâs almost sure that you are interested in him too, if your shy smiles and sweet words are anything to go by.Â
Closing his eyes, he leans closer to the music. A brilliant sparkle of notes swirl under your fingers, the melody leaping with a joy that lingers in his ears and widens his smile. Cheerful and sweet, though thereâs a noise that doesnât sound right entering the piece. Itâs strangeâit sounds something likeâ
Holding his breath, Taehyun watches them enter the room where youâre playing. But the music doesnât stop, not just yet. He almost smilesâitâs not hard to believe you would be so lost in the melody that you wouldnât notice a small group of people entering the roomâbut that smile freezes in place when the queen makes an exclamation and the music ends abruptly.Â
Taehyun swallows. This might not be good. The queen canât be pleased that you would avoid a ball to play the pianoforteâmaybe he can help, just enter the room and act surprised to see everyone. He could easily claim he was curious about the music.Â
He edges into the hallway just in time to hear you apologizing profusely. âForgive me, Your Majesty, I was only taking a small pause from the ballââ
âBecause you delight in your endeavors.â Taehyun stops short when he hears the smile in Her Majestyâs voice. He should leaveâfrom her tone, you are probably not in trouble, which means itâs better for him not to be here. He wouldnât want to be accused of eavesdropping on Her Majesty. Still, though he canât help but hear the queenâs words as he takes soundless steps down the hallway. âSomeone who performs not for me, but for themselves. Brava.â
That, Taehyun can agree with. Yet while part of his heart leaps in happiness for youâit is, after all, no small feat to impress the queenâanother part of him remembers your desire for quiet at the Tillingsâ ball and wonders what the queenâs attention might mean for an introverted woman like you.Â
You mumble something that he doesnât quite catch. And as Taehyun steps down the corridor, he hears the queen speak again, pleasure clear in her tone.Â
âA performance that sparkles,â she declares. âJust like a diamond.â
Reblogs and comments are deeply appreciated! Hope you enjoyed this, and have a lovely day :)
Note: part 2 will be posted in three days, on June 17 at 8pm EST :)
pairing:Â Taehyun x fem!reader
genre:Â Â fluff, a pinch of angst, regency era!au, nobility!au
warnings:Â period typical misogyny
word count:Â 14.4k
notes:Â
â this is for all the bridgerton girlies who have been going insane just like me <3 highly inspired by francesca/john's burgeoning romance from the first half, so hope you all enjoy!
â some of the dialogue has been lifted from the showâI do not claim any credit for it.
â this takes place in the same universe as my duke!yeonjun story, if you'll have me :) feel free to check that out as well!
When your father calls you home from the continent to join the London season, for the first time in your life, you nearly throw a fit. You are not just the daughter of a viscountâyouâve made a name for yourself in England and abroad with your prodigious talent at the piano, having since childhood performed for royal courts far and wide. You have traveled far and beyond most other ladies of your rank, and to have your career halted all for the sake of marriage to a man who will likely force you to quit your craft is unthinkable. But all your life you have lived without raising a hand to your father, and so when the letter comes, you return home for the season, hoping and praying to make it through without stirring the waters.Â
Enter Taehyun Kang, Earl of Addistonârecently titled, in search of a wife, and as tired of the season already as you are. During a chance meeting at the seasonâs third ball you grow to know each other, and as time passes you grow to like each other, a mutual respect forming when you learn the depths of one anotherâs passions in the arts. In Taehyun you find a respite from the men who would clip your wings for the sake of finding a perfect wife. In you Taehyun finds a kindred spirit who would respect him for himself, and not the lands in his name. Together you navigate the grueling social activities of the London matchmaking project as acquaintances, then as friends, and maybe, just maybeâ
As lovers, too.Â
Part 1 >> Part 2
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When morning comes and you open your eyes, everything looks so normal that you decide last night wasnât real. The sun is shining through the windows. The sky outside is blue. The queen did not happen upon you playing the piano last night, and she did not name you her diamond.Â
Upon entering the drawing room, however, you begin to realize that the nightmare is in fact reality.Â
Your aunt presides over a small army of servants arranging enormous bouquets of flowers, blooms of every color arraying the room. Your cousins hover over several piles of boxes, each tied with bright ribbon. Your father stands in the middle of it all, looking strangely pleased, and when he turns to you, one of his rare smiles is set against his face.Â
You swallow. âWhat is going on?â
âYou have done well for our family, my daughter,â he says, coming closer. For all the warmth in his voice you still almost shrink awayâyouâre not used to his kindness, and from the stilted edge to his words, he isnât either. âThe queen named you her diamond, and these are the gifts bestowed upon you for it.â
Against your will, last night comes rushing back. The Harloweâs ball. All the noise, all the chatter. Lady Park striking up a conversation with you just when your head had started to hurt, and winking when she mentioned the Harloweâs music room. Dark corridors and blessed silence and Mozart sonatas dancing beneath your fingersâ
Then the queen herself appearing in the room, and with a smile on her face that only struck dread in your chest, naming you her diamond.Â
She had accompanied you out of the room with her entourage following, Lady Park at her side. You couldnât think of an excuse to get away. And so, when you entered the ballroom once more, you had no defense when the queen looked at you with a broad smile, and kissed your forehead in full view of everyone there.Â
The diamond, you could practically hear everyone whisper. Sheâs been named the diamond.Â
Head spinning, you swallow. âThe queen does not give gifts to her diamonds,â you say dumbly.Â
âThese are not from the queen, silly girl,â your aunt says. âThese are from your suitors, who hope to court your hand.â She smiles, oblivious to the dread pooling through your chest. âCome, my girl. See what gifts they have brought you.â
You let yourself be dragged to the center of the room where most of the gifts lie. Your cousins are definitely more eager to see them than you, so you let them open the boxes of jewelry and wow over the flowers, nodding and smiling perfunctorily as needed. You donât really notice much of it, though, because youâre still trying to believe this isnât happening.Â
It is, though. And even though calling hour isnât for a while yet, you have a sinking feeling that itâs going to be more crowded than it ever has been. If last night was anything to go byâŠ
After the queen had kissed your forehead in full view of the room, there was a sort of pause. The orchestra kept playing, but even those on the dance floor stopped moving for a moment. Hundreds of eyes were fixed on you and you couldnât even move, you were so frozen in place. Even when the room started shifting again, you couldnât seem to unstick your feet from the floor until an outstretched hand had made its way into your line of vision, and you had to finally look up to see who it was.Â
âMy lady,â heâd said like nothing just happened, kissing your hand. âI havenât seen you all night. Congratulations on your new title.â
âThank you, my lord.â If he noticed your voice shaking a little, he said nothing of it. âI apologize. I hid myself away for a while, forâŠsome quiet.â
His eyes crinkled into one of his gentle smiles. âI heard,â heâd said, skillfully guiding you around the room. âThe Mozart was wonderful. I would have said something earlier, but I didnât want to interrupt you and then the queen arrived. I did not think either of us would want to be compromised, or stir rumors.â
âI should think not,â you had said, smiling a little. âI appreciate it.â
âIs your next dance taken?â he had asked, an abrupt change of subject. The music was dying away, the couples on the dance floor saying their goodbyes. You shook your head, and his eyes sparkled. âIf not, would you mind if I stole it, then?â
This time, a real smileâyour last of the eveningâspread over your lips. âI wouldnât mind at all.â
Lord Kang was a very good dancerâlight on his feet with a good sense of rhythm, and a strong frame that guided you into each next step without you having to improperly initiate it yourself. A lovely respite from several of your earlier partners who seemed to have two left feet. In Lord Kangâs arms, you almost forgot the events of just some minutes ago, losing yourself in the easiness of his footsteps and conversation. Beyond his initial congratulations, he didnât mention the queenâs designation once. Until the end of time youâll be grateful for it.
But then the music ended, and reality came rushing back.Â
Almost immediately after youâd made your curtsies and Lord Kang had taken his bow, you noticed several figures walking up to you. By the time you fully turned around, a small group had crowded in front of the dance floor, right where you would have stepped off. Men, all of themâall looking at you with varying degrees of interest, interest they never would have had if the queen had not made her declaration.Â
For the second time that night, you froze. People were talking but you couldnât hear what they were saying, the noise of the room a roaring buzz in your ears. Half of you had a mind to run out the nearest exit but your legs just wouldnât move.Â
You donât know how long you stood there before Lord Kangâs voice finally cut through the din. âIt seems your newfound title has caused some stir, my lady,â he had said quietly. You looked at him and he looked at you and there was a little smile on his face that helped ease your heart rate just slightly. Then his expression turned serious. âYou need not do anything you do not like,â he said lowly. âIf you would prefer, I can help you make some excuse.â
You would have taken him up on it. Youâre not sure what he had in mindâfake a dizzy spell or headache, or just a need for some fresh airâbut you would have done it. But then your aunt appeared in all her ill-timed glory and started filling the rest of your dance card with terrible efficiency, and all you could do was give Taehyun a small, sad little smile and whisper a thanks before some new gentleman ushered you onto the dance floor.Â
Last night turned your mind into mush. Too many people, too many questions, too much dancing for your introverted self to handle. Gazing at the flowers and presents littered about the room now, you have the sinking feeling that calling hour is about to be even worse.Â
Which it is. There are apparently men queueing in a line down the hall, waiting for a chance to speak with you. More flowers fill the drawing room, and your smile becomes increasingly fixed to your face with each new gentleman who enters the room. Most of them are pleasant enough and able to keep the conversation going even as your head begins to hurt more and more, but some of them are truly unpleasant people, and even your auntâs face looks more pinched than usual when she ushers Mr. Yang-Tran out of the room.Â
You donât even get a respite at dinner. Itâs all anyone can seem to talk about, and even your taciturn father puts forth several opinions on those who managed to call today. Those who didnât make it during the designated hour left a plethora of flowers and gifts, and thereâs a small mountain of calling cards sitting on one of the drawing room tables that you canât really bring yourself to look through. Only one of them matters, anyway, and you stole that one away.
When the meal is over, you all return to the drawing room to continue the dinner chatter. They all seem to be so full of laughter and cheer that it makes you feel somewhat alien for not feeling the same, but it gives you more opportunity to sink into the corner of a couch fade into the background. With everyoneâs attention diverted, you pull out Lord Kangâs card. Itâs lovely, very elegant, but you donât really care about how it looks. You flip the card around to see the words written on the back.Â
My ladyâ
I hope you will not find it too forward of me to write, but I wanted to express my congratulations again on your well-earned title last night. I hope you will find some pleasure in it for I can think of no one more deserving of it this season than you. I apologize that I could not see you before calling hour ended, but I pray I will have better luck next time.Â
You certainly hope so too.Â
Swallowing hard, you look at the table, where an array of the most pleasing flowers and gifts have been laid out. Jewelry glitters in the candlelight, making the flowers almost seem to glow. But you only have eyes for the few books that lie beside them, their nondescript leather covers dark in the night.Â
No one really notices when you stand. They donât notice you picking up the books, then heading out of the room. No one follows you into the music room, where you shut the door firmly after lighting several candles to give the space a little light.Â
For several hours you alternate between practicing and reading. The crease of paper beneath your fingers comforts you as you immerse yourself in sheet music and music history, and when a servant eventually comes to call you to bed, you feel well enough to go without complaint.Â
On your nightstand rests a small bouquet of fresh flowers. Lord Kang left them with his card, and when you learned this you asked a servant to bring them to your room. You place the calling card next to the vase before blowing out the candle, crawling into bed, and falling into a dreamless sleep.Â
. . . . .
The title of diamond is a coveted one, Taehyun knows, and it is an honor to receive it from the queen. So many debutantes each season have been vying for the designation and he can hardly fault them for it, not when it brings so much prestige.Â
You are not undeserving of the name. Far from it. With your fame, quiet grace, and incomparable talent at the piano, Taehyun wonders why the queen didnât choose you earlier. All of this talk about Her Majesty being bored, surrounded by ladies tripping over themselves to impress her in ways sheâs already seen before, doesnât quite make sense to him. Your honesty and genuine nature were obvious to him from the start. How could it not be to the queen?
Yet, for all Taehyun knows it is an honor, he still somewhat wishes the queen had given the title to someone else.Â
Forâwell, selfish reasons. Taehyun privately resents the fact that all the men of the ton are now queueing at your door to shower you in empty compliments and vague flowers. He treasured the time the you spent together, the precious minutes he spent in your drawing room speaking with you or listening to you play the piano, and now all that time has been snatched away by the callers crowding your doorstep. Even at balls, between your aunt and the queen herself, he can only manage to catch you for moments at a time. A single dance. A snippet of conversation. Then your aunt has moved you on to someone else, or the queen would like to introduce you to another titled gentleman, and he has to bid you good night before they haplessly rush you off.Â
Again, all very selfish reasons. Taehyun feels guilty every time he even thinks them. But in his defenseâand Taehyun doesnât like to presumeâyou donât seem to be enjoying yourself nearly as much as someone named the incomparable of the season should. You havenât said it to him directly, but Taehyun feels that you also would have preferred someone else to be the seasonâs incomparable instead of you.Â
It doesnât matter, though, because one does not refute the queen. She leads society and the season, and in this court of gossip and schemes, she reigns supreme. Which is the only reason why Taehyun hasnât pretended not to notice her more than could be presumed polite, each time she comes around with a new marquess to introduce to you. He is not wealthy or important enough to save himself from her possible wrath.Â
(The queen may be a kind woman, but the entire ton knows that she is a force to be reckoned with.)
With all this, the thought occurs to him to just propose sooner rather than later. It is becoming increasingly obvious that no other woman has and will capture his attentions quite the way you have, and youâre the only one to whom Taehyun would feel comfortable giving a betrothal ring. He doesnât think you would say no. But at the same time, youâre a shy creature, and even he would prefer a little more time to court you. Couples have gotten married in far less time than the two of you have known each other, of course, but you deserve a proper courtship. And he would like for you to know one another better before he decides on a ring.Â
All of which would be much more easily done if he could speak to you for more than a few short minutes at a time.Â
And, perhaps, lady luck has decided to shine on him the night of the queenâs ball, only the most important event of the season. Taehyun counts himself lucky to have received an invitation, but more importantly, as the seasonâs diamond, he knows that you must be there too. He hops out of his carriage in front of the palace just in time to see you stepping out of yours a short distance away, moonlight glittering on your figure.Â
For a moment, Taehyun forgets how to breathe.Â
You lookâŠbeautiful. Not that you hadnât been beautiful before, of courseâyouâve been lovely since the moment Taehyun saw you that first night at the Tillingsâ ball. But as Taehyun watches you settle on the ground, starlight sparkling over your dress, your headpiece, the elegant jewels around your neck and hands, he can see the delicate care you and your ladyâs maids have certainly put into your appearance for tonight.Â
And it was well worth it.Â
Before he can stop himself, heâs walking in your direction. You donât notice him immediately but when you meet his eyes, a smile seems to brighten your eyes as he bows. âMy lady,â he greets, kissing your hand. âYou look especially beautiful tonight.â
You duck your head shyly, but when you finally tip up your chin again, the smile has only grown. âThank you, Lord Kang. I suppose the hours spent on my appearance were worth the time.â
âThey certainly were.â He extends his arm. âMay I walk you into the ballroom? I should appreciate this opportunity, having arrived so soon after one another, to speak with you. It seems we are always being interrupted, or that there simply isnât enough time.â
âI would love that,â you reply sincerely. Inwardly, Taehyun preens a little when you donât even look at your aunt before taking his arm.Â
âI must apologize for all the interruptions,â you say as the two of you begin walking up to the palace. Your smile seems to drop a bit. âIâŠdo not believe I was properly prepared to understand all that goes into being a diamond. I do not mean that I am not honored by the queenâs attentions,â you add quickly. âBut I suppose I had not expected that so many would now ask for a piece of my time.â
âYour time was valuable even before you were made the diamond,â Taehyun replies. âIâm only honored that you shared it with me. But do know that you are deserving of this title.â He smiles, a little teasingly. âThough I must admit, it is nice to be able to see you now without the other gentlemen vying for your affections as well.â
You pause for a moment, as though picking your next words carefully. âIf you must know, my lord,â you finally say, âthey never posed much competition to you.â
Taehyun looks at you quickly. You look back at him, holding his gaze for a moment before you turn away, shoulders lifting shyly as though to shield you fromâŠsomething. Anything.Â
He lifts a hand to your chin and turns you gently his way again. âThank you, my lady,â he says softly when you meet his eyes again. âYour words do me the greatest honor.â
âI only speak the truth,â you reply steadily, though Taehyun hears the tremor carefully hidden behind your words. It only endears you to him more.Â
The two of you enter the ballroom together. Lights burst in Taehyunâs vision, crystal and glass glittering everywhere. Next to him, your breath seems to catch, and he feels much the same as he steps into the large, sparkling room. The fanciest place heâs ever been was the duke and duchessâs own ballroom. It was lovely, but this is something else altogether.Â
Immediately upon your entrance, Taehyun already sees heads turning your way. Jealousy flares in his chest, but pride stamps it outâheâs the one who walked you into the room, after all, and youâre the one who said no one else was much competition compared to him.Â
That doesnât mean heâs going to let down his guard, though.Â
He turns to you and your glittering ensemble, candlelight almost glowing around your figure. âBefore we are surely interrupted again,â he says, smiling wryly, âmay I have your first dance, my lady?â
You place your hand in his with a grin. âOf course, my lord.â
Taehyun loves dancing with you. Youâre easily one of the best dancers in the ton, not even just among the seasonâs debutantes. For obvious reasons, you have a wonderful sense of rhythm and melody, and you clearly lean into that sort of sixth sense as you play with the timing of the choreographed steps and the unique twists of the music. You twirl under his hand, returning to his arms with a bright smile, and Taehyun is suddenly reminded of a flower opening its petals under the sun.Â
Too soon, the music ends, and with it ends the magic of the dance you shared. Glancing at those who have gathered at the edge of the ballroom, Taehyun feels the jealousy flare again. How free he would feel if he could dance with you all night without worry of what the ton would think! But Taehyun has had the rules of society drummed into his head since he was old enough to comprehend language, and he knows he cannot share more than one dance with you in a row without stirring rumors of impropriety. So when you curtsy, he only bows, kissing your hand once more.Â
âYou are a wonderful dancer, my lady,â he compliments. The orchestra is in a lull now, waiting for dancers to find new partners, and everything he says will be clear to those who stand around him, so he chooses his next words carefully. Dancing with the same person twice means announcing a serious intention to court them to the entire ton, carrying more weight than even repeated weekly calls, but⊠âIf you would be so inclined, I would be deeply honored if I could take one of your dances later this evening, as well.â
Your mouth parts. A strange, but not unwelcome expression passes over your face. Heâd given his request quietly in case you refused, but a smile grows on your lips as you nod once, slowly, then again with more conviction. âI should like that very much,â you say, extending your dance card to him.Â
Taehyun smiles broadly as he takes the small card. âWould it be all right if we danced the quadrille?â he asks.Â
Your eyes sparkle. âDid someone tell you that was my favorite dance?â
He shakes his head in surprise. âA lucky guess.â
âTruly.â You smile, though it drops a little when you glance behind him at the crowd that has surely only grown larger since the last dance ended. âI will wait patiently for our quadrille, then, my lord.â
Taehyun gives you what he hopes is a comforting smile. âI will be counting the dances until then.â
. . .Â
Unfortunately, Taehyun somewhat loses track of the dances somewhere along the way, mostly because he is also dealing with a consistently large group of people who insist on corralling him every time he so much as steps away from the dance floor.Â
By a group of people, he really just means a group of debutantes and their mothers. They justâŠfollow him. Itâs a bit creepy. And when one disappears, another appears to take her place, so the group just never seems to fade away. Yeonjun was here earlier to help divert some of the attention but at some point he left to spend some time with his wife, which Taehyun can hardly fault him for.Â
Taehyun is at his witâs end by the time he finds himself near the table of drinks. He adopts a very concentrated look on his faceâfar more than is necessary when examining an array of lemonade and alcoholâbut it seems to discourage some of the shyer girls, who start to hang back a little.Â
He feels a little bad. Itâs not like this is their fault, and if he wasnât so damn tired, he wouldnât mind engaging them in conversation either. But Taehyun has been dancing half the night and talking for the other half, and about topics he genuinely does not care about, so he takes his time selecting a whiskey before turning around, internally bracing himself for the onslaught.Â
The onslaught comes in the form of a Mrs. Lim, here to present her first daughter, and a Mrs. Jung, with her second daughter. Taehyun smiles as best he can through brittle teeth and tries not to be too curt with his replies, but then other women start showing up to introduce and re-introduce their daughters and even when Taehyun says that he has already promised most of his dances away, they still wonât leave. Heâs at his witsâ end, the glass in his hand now empty, when the group before him parts for a familiar face that fills him with relief.Â
âExcuse me,â you murmur, edging politely past Mrs. Jung to stand in front of him. Instantly Taehyun feels himself begin to relaxâhe hadnât realized he was so tense until you showed up. âMy lord, the quadrille is next.â You look at him steadily even as the group breaks into whispersâDid he not take her first dance? Will they dance twice? What does this mean?âI believe I promised this dance to you, if you would still like to take it.â
Taehyun nearly sags with relief. âI should like nothing more,â he says, extending a hand. âApologies, ladies, I must go.â He bows slightly, then heads off to the dance floor without a second glance back.Â
âI hope I wasnât interrupting anything important,â you say lowly, turning to face him.Â
âNot at all,â Taehyun replies, leading you into frame. âIn fact, your interruption wasâŠmost welcome.â
A wry twinkle appears in your eye. âIt seemed so, though I didnât want to presume.â
Taehyun laughs. âI thank you, then, for your opportune timing.â
âThere is no need for thanks.â You smile. âYou saved me at the Bridgertonsâ ball after the queen crowned me her diamond.â Your smile grows smaller, though no less sincere. âI didnât have the chance to thank you for that.â
The orchestra picks up, signaling the end of the danceâs introduction, but Taehyun only looks at you carefully. âForgive me for assuming,â he says quietly, âbut my lady, you donât seem to want the title much at all.â
You bite your lip even as you begin to move, instinctively stepping to the music. âIt is an honor,â you reply lowly. âI will never be ungrateful for the queenâs approval. But I must confessâŠI wish she had chosen someone else instead.â You try to smile, but even Taehyun can see that itâs forced. âI am a quiet person, my lord. I never really wanted the attention that would come with being the seasonâs diamond. I believe others are far more suited to the role than I.â
Sympathy wells in Taehyunâs heart. No matter how tense he felt around the mamas and their daughters, he canât imagine how this has all been for you. Granted, you have your aunt to field some of the gentlemen who come to you, but she seems more preoccupied with attracting more of them than shielding you from the onslaught. âIâm sorry,â he says simply, because he doesnât know quite what else to say other than I understand, which would probably seem disingenuous.Â
You seem to hear the words left unsaid, though, because you give him a little smile when you find your way back into his arms. âIt is what it is,â you state bravely. âAnd, at the very least, I can look forward to dancing with you.â
Taehyunâs heart stutters a beat, though you donât seem to notice it. âBelieve me, Miss L/N, I look forward to it at least as much as you,â he says when he finds his voice again.Â
In the last measures of the quadrille, you smile at each other softly. You curtsy, and Taehyun bows, and in a last stroke of desperation to keep you with him a little longer, he extends his arm again. âWould you like some refreshment?â he offers. âYou have been dancing all night. Surely you must be parched.â
You open your mouth, about to respond. But then your eye catches on something behind him and your face grows still, a smile curving your lips that doesnât reach your eyes. Taehyun turns to see the queen approaching the two of you, an elegantly dressed gentleman following closely behind her.Â
âYour Majesty,â the two of you murmur at the same time. The queen gives Taehyun a perfunctory little smile before directing her attention to you. âMiss L/N,â she says warmly, gesturing for the other man to come forward. âMy diamond. Allow me to introduce to you Marquess Yang. Marquess Yang, meet my incomparable of the season.â
Objectively, thereâs nothing wrong with the marquess. Heâs handsome and seems pleasant enough as he introduces himself and kisses your hand. Still, Taehyunâs heart flares with jealous dislike for the man, but thereâs nothing he can do about it. At least, nothing that wouldnât be improper.Â
âPleased to meet you,â you say, giving the marquess a quick curtsy. You turn to Taehyun, then, and thereâs only resignation in your unsmiling eyes. âForgive me, my lord.â
âThere is nothing to forgive,â he replies quickly, returning a short bow. âPerhaps we will catch each other later tonight, my lady.â He kisses your hand, holding your fingers for a touch longer than is strictly necessary. âHave a good evening.âÂ
With a bow to the queen and a parting smile to the marquess that he doesnât mean at all, Taehyun heads back into the crowd, knowing that despite his words, he probably wonât get another moment with you all night.
. . . . .
When calling hour ends, you turn to your governess and say in a very quiet voice, âI will be ill tomorrow.â
She blinks once. Twice. âBut, my ladyââ
âI donât care what my aunt says,â you state very, very calmly. âOr what my father says. I will be ill. Too ill to get out of bed.â
She glances at your aunt at the other side of the room, ordering rearrangements of some certain bouquets of flowers on the mantel. Then she nods. âAs you wish, my lady.â
You breathe a long sigh of relief and stand up. âThank you.â
No one says anything or tries to stop you when you leave the drawing room and make your way to your bedroom. You sit heavily on your bed and fall onto your back, staring at the ceiling but not really seeing anything. Your head hurts from calling hour and you canât really process anything between the pounding of your temples.Â
Another steady stream of callers came today, all with their colorful flowers and pretty words. Lord Kang wasnât among them, not even those who were unable to see you before they had to leave and left their cards for you to peruse instead. You canât blame himâno one calls every day, and you would never expect him to even if you perceive there is interest on his endâbut the irrational part of you mumbles that you still would have liked to see him anyway. The flowers he left last week have dried so the servants removed them from your bedside, but youâve kept his card hidden in one of the drawers of your nightstand. It might sound pathetic, but youâve taken to tracing his careful handwriting on the creamy paper. It soothes you. Somewhat.Â
Youâre just soâtired. Of everything. Of the charade of being a debutante, of the title of diamond, of having to sit and be pretty and nod along to all of the men who suddenly see worth in you not for yourself but for the queenâs belated approval. They talk about their plans for the future like you are a guarantee in their lives, a guaranteed little mannequin who will stand there and agree with every decision they make, and worst of all, theyâre not even good conversationalists. Youâre the first to admit that you arenât very good at conversing with near strangers, but one of them asked you what makes you tick today.Â
What does that even mean?
The Marquess of Schannon, whom the queen introduced to you at the last ball, paid you a call today too. He is not a bad person. In fact, of all those you spoke to, he was the most pleasant. If you hadnât met Lord Kang, you might have been interested in himâhe was very polite, respectful, and seemed genuinely interested in your passion for music. Your conversation with him was pleasant and he didnât further your headache, and the flowers he brought were very pretty.
But all the while you were speaking with him, you couldnât help but compare him to Lord Kang.Â
Which isnât fair. You know you should shape your opinion on the marquess independently from anyone else. Itâs justâevery good thing you thought about the marquess, Lord Kang was either equal, or did it better.Â
Speaking with Marquess Yang was pleasant. Speaking with Lord Kang brings you excitement.Â
Marquess Yang respects your devotion to the piano. Lord Kang respects your devotion, and engages you in conversation about the topic.Â
The marquess is a fine dancer. The quadrille you danced with Lord Kang was the best one you have ever danced yet.Â
You breathe out a sigh. The queen means to matchmake you with the marquess, youâre sure. Lady Arina Park said about as much when she caught you at the queenâs ball, though she also cast a very knowing glance at Lord Kang, who was dancing with Mrs. Jungâs daughter. At the end of the conversation, as she turned away, you could have sworn she muttered something along the lines of not meddling in affairs of the heart, but over the low din of the party, you couldnât be sure.Â
On paper, the marquess might be a better match than Lord Kang. A higher title. More land. More riches. But even knowing this, even knowing that the queen approves, you canât quite bring yourself to see him the way you see Lord Kang.
Affairs of the heart, indeed. You stare at a knot of wood in the ceiling without really seeing it. Youâre not sure you love Lord Kang. Youâre not sure he loves you either. But you certainly like him, and you donât think youâre wallowing in delusion when you fancy he likes you as well. Youâve only known each other for a couple of monthsâyou donât think anyone could truly fall in love so soon, no matter what people say about love matches. But with Lord Kang, at least you can envision the love further along in the future.Â
There isnât even a chance of that with some of your other suitors.Â
You squeeze your eyes shut. For all you love piano, you wish you hadnât been playing the night the queen walked in on your performance. You would still have to sit through calling hour, would still have to make small talk in the ballroom, but it wouldnât be nearly as much as it is now. Your aunt and fatherâs approval doesnât make up for how much your head hurts after you return from social engagements every night.Â
And youâd probably get to see Lord Kang more.Â
You remember the queenâs ball, when Lord Kang asked if youâd like to get refreshment with him just before the queen introduced you to the marquess. If heâd asked a moment earlier, you wonder if youâd have managed to escape the queenâs notice and been able to spend just a few minutes more with him. Probably notâthe queen has eyes like a hawk and would have caught you anyway. Still, though, you wonder. And a treacherous part of you likes to imagine what would have happened if the queen wasnât there. If you and Lord Kang could have found yourselves by the tables of refreshments, laughing and talking with no one to take either of you away.Â
Unlikely. But you wish for it all the same.Â
A knock sounds at your door. You bolt upright and wince when your temples twinge in protest. Itâs only one of the servants, though.Â
âMy lady.â She curtsies slightly. âYour aunt bids that the two of you leave soon for your appointment at the modiste.â
Ugh. Youâd almost forgotten about that. You give her a tired nod. âTell her I will be ready shortly.â
. . .
Dresses are nice. Clothes are nice. You donât mind the modiste, not with its arrays of silks and satins and ribbons that dazzle the eye, not with how nice and how accommodating Madame Delacroix is to everyone in her shop. But today youâre tired and just want to be lying down at home, and you could very much do without your aunt hovering around your fittings and inserting her opinion every time Madame Delacroix so much as moves a pin.Â
There are a number of other ladies and their mothers in the shop so you let your mind fade into their buzz of chatter and laughter. A few of the voices you recognizeâMrs. Jung and her shy second daughter looking for new ribbons, the soon-to-be Lady Julia Kingsley shopping for the fabric for her wedding gownâbut even though the girls are nice you hope they donât notice youâre there as you slip out of your nearly-finished gowns as quietly as you can. On any other day you would be happy to chat with them. Right now you just want to go home.Â
But someone calls your name as youâre exiting the modiste. You have just enough sense not to curse out loud because your aunt is right next to you and youâre in public, but youâre not sure you manage to wipe the entire grimace off your face before you turn around. You pray that surprise replaced your previous expression before your caller saw it, and it seems it did, because the Duchess of Hastings only gives you a bright smile before walking quickly over to catch up with you.Â
âMiss L/N!â she exclaims once sheâs close enough. âLady Taylor,â she then greets your aunt, with much more solemnity. âIt is lovely to see the two of you in town today.â
âAnd you too,â you reply, and youâre only half lying. Youâve seen the duchess a few times since that first gathering, and each time you speak you leave the conversation smiling. If you were to have to speak to anyone at the tail end of this very exhausting day, youâre glad it was her. âDid you have business here? We just left the modiste.â
âOh, His Grace and I came into town to meet with his solicitor for a few things,â she says. âI didnât feel I was needed for the last few meetings, so I thought I would walk the streets for some time before meeting him at home.â You reach Gunterâs dessert shop and the duchess stops. âShall we stop for some ices? They can be most refreshing after a long day.â
As the duchess leads you into the shop, you think wryly that you probably werenât hiding your exhaustion as well as you thought.Â
Sheâs right. Sitting in the shop with a small cup of dessert, flavored ice cooling your tongue, you feel a bit of the pressure easing away from your temples. If the duchess notices you relaxing, she doesnât say anything of itâat least until she asks about your season, and if anyone has caught your eye just yet. She has a strange, somewhat knowing expression on her face, but you try to pay it no mind as you answer.Â
âThe dancing is nice,â you say truthfully, but meaningfully.Â
The duchess snickers in a way that is distinctly unladylike but even though you can see your auntâs face scrunching up in the corner, that snicker allows you to smile. âIs anything else about it nice?â she asks.
You pause before answering with a question. âYou were the diamond of your season, were you not?â She nods. âHow did you find it, may I ask?â
âI enjoyed it,â she replies, and your heart sinks. âI quite like meeting new people, and it is a great honor to be chosen by the queen. Though it perhaps made a difference that there wasnât anybodyâŠmeddling, I suppose, in my options for marriage.âÂ
You blink. âThe queen did not seek to introduce you to anybody?â
She shakes her head. âI was already being courted by one of the most eligible bachelors of the ton, not even the season. I donât suppose Her Majesty found it her prerogative to try and find me someone else.â
Annoyance and anger, not at the duchess, but at the queen herself, rises in your throat so quickly it surprises you. Where did this come from? You stare into the melting remains of your ice, its syrup suddenly cloyingly sweet on your tongue. The duchess said the queen didnât find it her prerogative to interfere in her courtship. So why does she find it necessary for you?
Because she doesnât think Lord Kang is good enough.Â
Ah. There it is. The angerâthe annoyance that the queen would deem Lord Kang, one of the best men youâve met this entire season, unworthy of you. That she would not trust you to make the decision on your own, and must prod you in different directions like a doll in her playhouse. Quite like your father and aunt. Quite like the other men who have been calling on you these past few weeks.Â
Youâre so damn tired of people thinking they know best for you.Â
âI donât think I should have been the diamond,â you say quietly, so that only the duchess hears you. âNot for my talent or hard work. The thing is, Iâm a quiet person, Your Grace. I am not really a sociable person. I am not very good at conversing. I just donâtâŠenjoy the social season the way other people do.â You look up from your ice to see the duchess gazing back at you thoughtfully. âMany of the other ladies of the season are as talented and hardworking as I, only in other spheres, and would likely be far more receptive than I to theâŠmaneuverings, if you will, of our queen.â
The duchess remains silent.Â
You start to panic. âI do not mean that I am ungrateful for Her Majestyâs approval. It is an honor. I onlyââ
âMiss L/N. Y/N.â The duchess takes your hands across the table. âMay I call you that?â
Dumbly, you nod.Â
âExcellent. You must call me by my name, then.â She smiles and your heart, which had been beating a little too fast, starts to slow down. âAs friends.â
Slowly you nod again.Â
âThe season is not enjoyable for everyone,â she states. âYou are none the worse for feeling that way. I had moments in my season that I did not like. And I can fully understand how, for someone of a more introverted nature, it might be more of a chore than is usually expected.â She leans a little over the table, still holding your hands. âBut I will say this to you. You are the diamond, Y/N. And while this means people are watching you, it also means that you have some measure of freedom to act as you like. Refuse dances from those with whom you donât wish to dance. Only accept as many dances as you need. And if you can, try to ignore those who would meddle in your affairs for their own gain. You are the diamond. You can afford to do these things more than others can.â The duchess squeezes your hands. âYou know yourself better than anyone, your wants and desires. You should be in control of those. No one else.â
Stupidly, you feel tears welling up in your eyes. You blink them away as much as you can. âThank you, Your Grace.â
âOh, come now.â The duchess laughs. âCall me by my name. We are friends, are we not?â
You give her a watery smile in return. âYes, we are.â Taking a shaky breath, you brush away a tear as discreetly as you can. âThank you. Iâm not the most upfront person, even with myself. IâŠI needed that.â
âYouâre most welcome,â she replies warmly. âIf I may I askâŠâ
You blink. âYes?â
âYou have someone in mind, donât you?â
Your cheeks suddenly feel hot. ââŠYes.â
âIs it Lord Kang?â
Now you think you understand the knowing look the duchess had in her eye earlier. âHow long have you known?â
âKnown? Only since now.â Her eyes crinkle with teasing mischief. âBut I suspected as much at my gathering. You two were so engrossed in conversation, I couldnât help but notice.â Oblivious to your embarrassment, she continues. âAnd if I remember correctly, he danced with you twice at the queenâs ball, no?â
âHe did.â And a wonderful two dances those were.
The duchess eyes you like she can hear your thoughts. Honestly, she very well mightâsheâs incredibly perceptive. âHeâs a good man, Y/N. A very good one.â She pauses a moment, as though weighing her next words. âI was not the most receptive to him, not at first.â Her smile turns a little painful as she looks into cup. âMy father died very suddenly and without an heir. When I found out the estate was to pass to Lord Kangâsomeone I had never known, inheriting the only home I had ever knownâto be frank, I was very angry.â She shakes her head. âMy whole life was in that estate. My best memories were there, in my fatherâs library.âÂ
You listen, rapt.Â
âBut Lord Kang is a kind man. He was a kind man even when I was angry with him, unjustifiably. After all, he was as confused and bewildered by the entire situation as I was. But when he learned of my love for literature, and my sorrow at having lost my fatherâs library to the estate he now owns, he offered me free use of the library. We send books back and forth now, and he takes my recommendations just as I take his.â The duchess raises her head, and the smile on her lips seems to bring joy to the entire shop. âHe is a very good friend, and I think he would be very good with you.â
Your throat feels too tight to speak. âThank you,â is all you manage to say in reply.Â
âOf course.â She motions to your empty cups. âShall we have these taken away?â
A worker whisks away your empty cups, and after you pay for your treats, the duchess walks you outside. Once on the street, she takes your hands again and smiles. âBe brave, Y/N,â she says, looking at you with such sincerity you almost want to cry again. âYou deserve good things. But you must come to take them for yourself.â
. . . . .
Yeonjun has just poured everyone a drink when the duchess comes sweeping in with the wind, full of apologies for being late. âI deeply apologize,â she says again, kissing Yeonjun lightly on the cheek before sitting next to him. âI hope Yeonjun hasnât already bored you all to death.â
Everyone except Yeonjun laughs, Beomgyuâs cackle the loudest of all. Taehyun smiles over his drink as the duke pouts deeply, regaining his smile only when his wife whispers something in his ear. âIs everything all right?â he asks as the laughter subsides. âYou didnât have any trouble in town, did you?â
âOh, no.â She shakes her head. âI just ran into someone and we spent a little too long catching up, I suppose.â The duchess looks at Taehyun meaningfully, and he only has a second to wonder why before she continues. âMiss L/N was just leaving the modiste, and we went to Gunterâs for ices after. I lost track of time.â
Miss L/N?
âYou look remarkably unruffled for one who is so late,â Beomgyu points out, and Taehyun forces all thoughts of you out of his brain to focus on the conversation.Â
âPerhaps because I knew you would be here,â she shoots back, which sends everyone into laughter again. âAnyhow, Iâm sure you all are curious as to why Yeonjun and I invited you here today.â
âYouâre making me nervous,â Kai mutters.
Yeonjun laughs, though thereâs a strange edge to it. Taehyun canât quite tell if itâs a good thing or a bad thing. âWellâŠâ he starts, then turns to his wife. âDo you want to say it?â he murmurs.Â
âI can.â She takes a deep breath before a glowing smile spreads across her lips. âI am with child.â
For a moment, the room remains dead silent. Taehyun himself can hardly believe his ears. Then heâs grinning, and so is everyone else, and the silence explodes into cheers and cries of congratulations and heâs hugging first the duke, then the duchess, and in this moment, the whole world feels perfect. Nothing could be better right nowânothing could beat the happiness he feels right now for his two good friends.Â
âCongratulations,â Taehyun says again when the celebration has died down. His voice feels thickâhe can hardly speak through the emotion filling his throat. âHow long have you two known?â
âThe doctor confirmed last week,â Yeonjun says, smiling down at his wife with so much love in his eyes it almost hurts. âWe told our mothers the day after.â
âWell, now I know why you only invited us tonight,â Lady Choi says, her eyes sparkling. Next to her, her husband, Soobin, canât seem to keep his own grin off his face. âYou donât want the entire ton knowing too soon, do you?â
âNot just yet.â The duchess shakes her head. âWe plan to keep it out of Whistledown for some time.â
Several more rounds of congratulations follow, and by then theyâve all finished their drinks and are heading into the dining room. Itâs a small groupâjust him, Yeonjun, Beomgyu, Kai, Soobin, and their wivesâso they donât observe the usual formalities, just sit down around the table laughing and chatting as one. The meal is filled with so much gaiety that he nearly forgets the duchessâs strange look earlier just before she mentioned your name. But as the dinner winds to a close, he remembers, and he canât help but wonder what you and the duchess talked about. He wonât ask, of course, and he doesnât even know if you talked about him, but the irrational part of him wants to know anyway.
Finally, after the meal, they all retire to the drawing room, where Lady Choi starts telling a story about Soobin that has his face turning red and the rest of them laughing. Partway through, Taehyun goes to pour himself a drink, only to look up and see the duchess standing next to him.Â
He motions to the bottle. âWould you like a drink?â Then he remembers. âOh, I donât suppose you would.â
She smiles. âNot alcohol, though I would not say no to the lemonade. Thank you.â While a chorus of laughter sounds in the background, she and Taehyun raise their glasses with a smile. She takes a sip, then looks at him directly. âI saw Miss L/N earlier, you know.â
For a moment, the duchess remains silent, her lips pursed as though contemplating her next words carefully. âCan we be honest, Taehyun?â she finally asks.Â
He blinks. âOf course.â
âIs there a reason you havenât proposed to her yet?â
Taehyun almost chokes on his drink. âWhatââÂ
âIâm not trying to interrogate you,â the duchess says wryly. âDonât look so frightened.â
âIâm not frightened.â Taehyun clears his throat, praying he doesnât look too embarrassed. âButâŠwhy do you ask?â
âThe season is almost halfway over,â she states matter-of-factly. âShe is the diamond, and she clearly likes you. You danced with her twice at the queenâs ball, which is tantamount to declaring your intentions to the entire ton. What, now, is stopping you from asking for her hand?â
He opens his mouth. Closes it. He can already feel an excuse on the tip of his tongueâit has still only been three months, Iâm not sure how she feels, I donât know if she even wants meâbut those would all be lies. Distractions, at least, from the full truth. The duchess bade him to be honest, and he wonât disrespect her by acting otherwise.Â
âShe is a quiet woman,â he says slowly. âAnd I do not want to come onto her too strongly. I know that people have married in less time than weâve known each other, but while we get along very well, I suppose I wanted toâŠmake certain that she would do well with me, and that I would do well with her, should we be married.â
The duchess nods slowly. âI understand this,â she says, âbut you are a man who knows what he wants, and when you want something, you seek it out.â She pauses. âWhy do you wait so long to seek her?â
His first response is I do. But even though that is true, over the past weeks⊠âThe queen does not approve of me.â He says this with certainty, a bitter taste filling his mouth. âYou must know this. She believes her diamond to be fit for a marquess, not an earl like I. And, truth be toldâŠâ Taehyun sighs. âI would like to at least allow her to make the decision. The Marquess of Schannon has a higher title, owns more land and has much greater wealth than I. He could provide for her much better than I.â
âBut you are not the one who should make that decision for her.â
Taehyun gapes at the duchessâs sharp tone. Her eyes soften, but her voice remains as steady as before. âMy marriage to Yeonjun did not thrive only because he could provide for me,â she says quietly. âIt became what it is now because we got along, because we could laugh with and at one another, because we can be free with each other. I do not think that Miss L/N is the type of woman to value wealth and security over her own freedom, and I implore you not to dishonor her by thinking otherwise.â
âOf course not!â Taehyun snaps. âI justâŠâ He swallows, and his entire throat tastes bitter. âI want to be enough for her.â
âI understand.â The duchess smiles. âYou want to be the best man to her that you can be. But trust me when I say that your worth in her lifeâor in anyoneâs lifeâis not defined by the gold you bring to the table. You and your character are what she will fall in love with. Not your money.â
Taehyunâs cheeks burn.
From the twinkle in the duchessâs eye, she definitely notices, but thankfully she says nothing of it. âTalk to her, Taehyun,â she says softly. âI think you will find she likes you far more than even you expect.â
. . . . .
When you wake up the next morning, you donât bother to stifle a groan when you remember youâre to be entertaining callers again today. Then you remember that your governess is supposed to tell your aunt that you are horrifically ill, and your earlier dread quickly turns into relief as you pull your covers over your head again, rumpling your sheets and pillows. Your aunt will probably poke into your room to check if youâre actually ill, and you need to look the part.Â
The servants come to dress you for the day. When they canât get you to roll out of bed, they send for your governess, who gives you a rather anxious look before calling for your aunt, as you expected. You hear them coming back to your room together, just as you expected, but perhaps the prospect of speaking to near-strangers for an entire afternoon has you looking grimmer than you thought because she backs out of the room rather quickly without much need for explanation.Â
Under your covers, you breathe a sigh of relief. Yesterday, the duchess said to be brave, and not force yourself to endure or take anything you donât want. You plan to take her up on her advice, but not now. Being brave can wait another day.Â
You spend the morning in a blissful haze, drifting in and out of sleep without anyone coming to bother you. Your governess comes in for a moment to tell you all your engagements for the day have been cancelled, which puts you in an even better mood. The day is marred somewhat by the arrival of a truly vile-looking tonic from the cook along with your lunch that she swears will have you feeling better in no time, but you manage to dump it out of your window before the servants return to take your tray away. You settle back into bed with one of the books Taehyun lent you and happily resign yourself to a quiet, uninterrupted afternoon.Â
A few hours later, rapid footsteps sound in the hall just outside your room and you quickly put the book away, sliding under your covers and shutting your eyes. Several frantic knocks sound at your door. You wait a moment before groaning, âCome in.â
Maybe you shouldâve taken up a career in acting instead of music.Â
To your relief, itâs only your governess, who looks oddly excited. You push yourself up in bed with a questioning frown. âWhat is it?â Then you see sheâs holding something, too. âWhat is that?â
She hands you a card, then places a lovely bouquet of flowers on your nightstand. âRead it,â she says, but your eyes have already latched onto the name etched elegantly into the center of the calling card, and the familiar handwriting on the back.Â
Miss L/Nâ
I apologize for having to write this simple card instead of calling on you in personâI have had sudden business to take care of that kept me busy all of calling hour, or I would have come earlier. In the absence of being able to speak today, I wonder if you would promenade with me in Hyde Park tomorrow? I should like to see you again, and I have some things I would like to ask you, if I may.Â
And then, an addendum in a script considerably messier than the rest, indicating some haste with which it was writtenâ
Your governess has just informed me that you are ill. If you are still feeling ill tomorrow, please do not feel obligated to join meâwe will simply find another time and place, should you be willing. Do feel better soon, my lady. I pray for your rapid recovery.
You look at your governess. âI will be recovered tomorrow,â you say, trying and failing to hide your growing smile. âIn the morning, please send a note to Lord Kang informing him of my intention to join him at the park.â
Your governess smiles back, just as brightly. âAs you wish, my lady.â
. . . . .
The afternoon is lovely, the sun golden and warm and only a few clouds drifting lazily across the sky, but everything seems to become a little brighter when Taehyun catches your eye across the park. He speeds up his steps, trying to rein in his own smile as he walks up to you over the green. âMiss L/N,â he greets, holding out his arm. âHow are you? I hope you are not still feeling ill.â
âNot at all, thankfully.â You smile with all the warmth of the sun. âI canât imagine what overtook me yesterday, but I am feeling much better today. In any case, it is good to see you too.âÂ
The two of you make small chatter as you start on the winding path around the park. Many people are out today, and between you, the sunlight, and their infectious cheer, Taehyun stops trying to rein in his smile and just lets it spread wide across his lips. When you reach a small grove of trees, though, you turn to him with a somewhat more serious expression upon your face. âIn your note, you mentioned you had some things about which you wanted to discuss with me, my lord,â you say. âMight I ask what you wanted to say?â
âAnd if I just wanted to speak to you again after not having seen you for a good number of days?â he teases, heart melting with fondness when you turn away, clearly shy. âI jest, though it is true that I very much wanted to see you,â he continues more seriously. âI suppose I wanted to...â He swallows, then just decides to say it before he gets too scared to. âWhat are your thoughts on marriage?â
For a long moment, you donât reply. For all Taehyun tries not to show his anxiety heâs not too certain heâs succeeding, especially when you look back at him. âTo anyone?â you finally ask.Â
The forthrightness of your question stuns him for a moment. In the time heâs known you, youâve always been quiet, somewhat shyâhe would not have expected such a question from you. But then he remembers you are also honest and very much in control of your own mind, and suddenly the question is not so surprising.Â
You are honest with him. Taehyun will not disrespect you with a dishonest response. âTo anyone,â he says truthfully, heart pounding. âBut I would not mind a response specific to me.â
Your little laugh settles some of the anxiety threatening to burst from his chest. âTo you, I would view marriage quite favorably.â You smile, and between your words and the light dappling through the trees onto your face and figure, Taehyun has to catch his breath. âThough to anyone else, the answer would be the opposite.â
Relief threatens to choke up his throat before he can reply. He truly hadnât realized he was so nervous until you answered him favorably. âMight I ask why?â he asks quietly.Â
You look up at the trees, at the sunlight peeking through the leaves. âWhen I returned to London, I didnât know if I wanted to marry. I spent so long abroad, alone with only the piano as any real constant in my life, and the way everyone spoke of marriage, it seemed like it was a given that I should give up my passion for music in exchange for the hand of someone I didnât even know yet.â Your lips turn up in a wry little smile. âI considered just trying to reach the age of a spinster, you know. In that case my father might send me back to the continent, and without the pressure of being a young lady of marriageable age, I might earn some money performing again, and at least I might see my dowry then.â
Taehyun frowns. âYour dowry?â
Your expression twists somewhat bitterly. âMy father took my performance earnings for my dowry.â
âThatâŠâ Taehyun shakes his head, at a loss for words. âYou earned that income yourself, so it should be yours, no?â
âThat is what I thought as well,â you reply, your dry tone hardly managing to disguise the annoyance of your words. âSo you see, then, why I did not quite view marriage through a favorable lens at first.â
Taehyun swallows. âWhat made you change your mind?â
You take a deep breath. âNot much, at first,â you say lowly. âI wanted respect in marriage. It does not seem like it should be such a difficult thing for which to ask. But as I went through the season, I realizedâŠapparently it is quite a task.â You shake your head. âThere were so many with whom I spokeâso many who had already planned a future out for them and their unknown wives. It was so strange. They would just talk at me, saying all these things, and never even asked what I wanted.âÂ
Inwardly, Taehyun feels a little sick. He knows many of the young men in the ton, and likely some of them are included in those who spoke to you this way. The season is difficult for debutantesâthatâs no secretâbut even though he knows thatâŠhe didnât really. Not until you just said it out loud. To be dehumanized in this way, and spoken to like an object. âIâm sorry,â he says lamely.Â
âDonât apologize.â You wave his words away. âYou are one of the few who never condescended to me in such a fashion, you have nothing to apologize for.â You look up at him with a small smile. It eases some of his guilt. âI also do not doubt I wasnât a stunning conversationalist, given that I do not quite enjoy speaking with strangers, though I will not take all the blame for that. I mean, I was once asked what makes me tick.â You laugh helplessly. âI donât even know what that means.âÂ
Taehyun makes a face. Tick? âI donât either.âÂ
âThe season is what it is.â Youâve reached the edge of the trees, stepping back into the full sunshine. âI gather that all the men and women are used to this sort of thing. And, wellâperhaps if I had been raised to believe I would one day command an entire estate and everyone in it, I might think the same way as many of those who wished to ask for my suit. Most of them werenât unkind, after all.â You cast your eyes downward, fidgeting with your dress. âJustâŠâ
âYou give them too much credit,â Taehyun says quietly. âNone of the things youâve mentioned would give anyone the privilege not to extend respect to others.â
You nod slightly, still looking down. âI think,â you finally say, âfrom the beginning, I decided that if I was to marry anyone, I would need my own freedom to play the piano, and in general to have my own passions. I will not give up music for anything, my lord. It has kept me sane all these years. My cousins will tease that I am married to the piano and while it is an overwrought joke, there is some truth to it.â You look up again, meeting his eyes directly. âVery few people have truly respected my passions for what they are to me. In marriage, I will not bring yet another person into my life to clip my wings.â
Taehyun considers his next words carefully. âIf you were guaranteed your freedom, then, would you still marry someone?â
âYes,â you reply immediately. âBecause if that person would guarantee my freedom, I would know that they cared for me enough that they wouldnât clip my wings in a way that would hurt me.â
For a few moments the two of you walk in silence. Youâve been at the park for some time, nowâthe sun is beginning to sink a little lower, the edges of the sky fading from blue to a pale pink. Taehyun looks at you and, against his will, doubt wells in his chest. He respects you, respects you so muchâas a musician, as a woman, as a person who has come into his life and for whom heâs grown to care very much. But will that be enough? You deserve only the best of the things in the world. While well-off, Taehyun isnât the wealthiest in town. Others, materially, could provide for you better. Could give you all the lovely things you deserve.Â
But you are not the one who should make that decision for her.
The voice of the duchess rings through Taehyunâs mind and he swallows hard. Right. He will not cut his own suit short for fear that he may not be enough. If you have seen something in him to love, all he can do is strive every day to provide you with happiness.Â
It is the least you deserve.
âI plan to call on your father in the next few days,â he says quietly. âTo ask for his permission to propose to you.â Out of the corner of his eye you turn to look at him, and even though his heart is beating faster than it ever has before, he forces himself to meet your gaze. âWould you be amenableââ
âYes!â The word bursts from your lips, cutting off his question. You look supremely embarrassed for a moment and Taehyun canât hide his own smile at your adorable expression, but you donât back down. âYes, Lord Kang,â you repeat, considerably more calmly. âI would be.â
Taehyun takes a deep breath and tries not to show all the butterflies fluttering about in his own stomach. âThank goodness,â he says, praying his voice isnât trembling. He laughs a little. âYou donât know how nervous I was to ask that.â
Your eyes crinkle into a smile brighter than the setting sun. âYou did a wonderful job of hiding it.â
Taehyun doesnât really know how he gets through the rest of your walk. He says many things and so do you, but by the time the sun has finally sunk too low to ignore and youâve circled the park at least three times, his mind is still just a blur of she said yes she said yes she said yes. âI will leave you here tonight, my lady,â he says when it comes time to part ways. âI do hope I will see you soon.â
âYou will,â you reply. And as Taehyun is parsing your bold response, in full view of the ton, you take a deep breath of your own, looking him straight in the eye with a little smile. âAfter all, my lord, you must still call on me so that I might return your books, no?â
Half of the ton looks at you. Half of the ton looks at him. Taehyun himself has to take a moment to grapple with the implications of your deceptively innocent questionâthe public declaration that you have seen each other often enough to speak like this, that you have exchanged gifts beyond the typical flowers and jewels, that you are close enough to demand that he come to see you and not the other way around.Â
That he has not just chosen to court him, but that you have chosen him as your suitor, as well.
All of this has his head spinning though not necessarily in a bad way, and throughout all this your eyes have remained steadily on his, twinkling in the remnants of sunlight. Taehyunâs cheeks are warm with the attention but, he decides, two can play this game. âTaehyun,â he says, smiling when you cock your head in confusion. âIf I am to see you again, you must call me by my name. Not âmy lord.â Not âLord Kang.ââ He takes your hand. âTaehyun.â
You look down at your joined hands, then up at him. And in that moment, with the pink light of sunset glowing around your figure and the shy smile curving your lips as comprehension dawns on your face, Taehyun really wants to kiss you. He abstains because kissing in full view of the ton when youâre not even married is probably a step too far for both of you, but nonetheless, he still wishes. âTaehyun,â he murmurs. âNone of the âmy lordâ nonsense.â
Your laugh carries on the wind, a warm, sweet melody to his ears. âIf you are Taehyun, then I am Y/N.â Your eyes sparkle, either oblivious or far too discerning as to how much he enjoyed hearing his name from your lips. âA fair trade, no?â
âVery fair, Missââ He catches himself, smiling. âY/N.â Lifting your hand to his lips, he kisses it softly, just as he always has before. âTake care, Y/N. I will see you soon.â
. . . . .
The next morning, youâre at your piano, squinting at a new piece of music when a knock sounds at the door. âCome in,â you say absently, still eyeing the difficult passage your fingers just canât seem to get right.
âMiss L/N.â One of the servants steps in. âYour father would like to see you.â
Your hand freezes in the air. âMy father?â
The servant leads you down the halls in silence, leaving your mind to wonder about all manner of things that your father could have called you for. He rarely summons you forâwell, anything. Most of the time you barely catch a glimpse of him before the day is over. The only thing you can think of is Lord KangâTaehyunâ coming to propose his suit, and he said that he would come in the next few days, notâ
You come to a stop in front of your fatherâs office, eyes wide. Would he truly have come so soon?
The servant knocks for you. When your fatherâs voice bids you come in, youâre still rattled enough by the thought that it takes you a moment to step through the door.Â
You curtsy, if a little lamely. âFather.â
âY/N.â He gestures to the seat in front of his desk. âSit down.â
You sit.Â
The time you sit in silence cannot have been more than a few seconds. Half a minute, at most. But with every tick of the clock you find it harder and harder not to fidget in this seat until your finger catches on a loose string of your dress and you give in to the urge to fiddle with it. Anything to keep you occupied as the silence stretches longer and longer.Â
Finally, your father opens his mouth to speak. âLord Kang came by just now. The Earl of Addiston.â
Your heart skips at least three beats and you feel a warmth emanating from your chest, spreading slowly through the rest of your body. âI see.â
âHe asked for my permission to propose to you.â
Giddy excitement threatens to show itself on your face. You force your expression to remain still. âDid you consent?â
Your father looks at you long and hard. âDo you wish to marry him?â
Frustration and annoyance threaten to color your features, but youâve remained quiet and placid for so many years that you manage to stop it from showing. What exactly does he want from you? Did he say yes, or did he say no? Why does he want to know if you would accept Taehyunâs suit? What does it matter to him? Then a terrible thought occurs to you.Â
What if he already said no?Â
Breathe. You force yourself to inhale. Exhale. You let go of the stray thread on your dress. âDid you consent?â
Your fatherâs eyes grow hard. âI asked you a question.â
âAs did I.â You swallow hard. âAnd might I remind you, I asked it first.â
Your father is looking at you like he doesnât quite know you. Which, you suppose, is true. He never really did. Never really cared to in the first place. But to be fair, youâve never acted this way to himâor to anyone in the household, reallyâuntil today.Â
Unfortunately, you are still a quiet person, cowed in your fatherâs presence, so after too many seconds of silence pass you finally reply. âBut if you must know, yes. If he proposed, I would marry him.âÂ
Tension slowly fills the air the longer you look at your father. He must have realized what you saidâor what you didnâtsay, really. If he proposed, I would marry him. Not if you consented, I would marry him.Â
Subtle differences. But while you donât necessarily enjoy the social season, youâve been around enough to pick up on just how much subtlety can convey.Â
âI asked if you wanted to marry him,â your father finally says. âNot if you would.â
You grit your teeth. What exactly is he playing at? âThe answer to that is yes as well.â
He folds his hands. Leans back in his chair. Looks at you unflinchingly. You try to do the same even though itâs getting harder to control your expression. âI gave my consent,â he finally says, apparently oblivious to you doing your absolute best not to slump over in relief. âBut he is an earl, daughter. Your Aunt Taylor tells me you have other suitors. Would you not want a marquess?â
It takes everything in you not to laugh. To not even scoff. âFather,â you say slowly, âtrust me when I say I will not be receiving a proposal from a marquess this season.â
He raises an eyebrow. âNot the Marquess of Schannon?â
âMarquess Yang is a good man,â you say. âBut I do not believe I am what he is looking for in a wife.â
âYou are the diamond,â your father presses. âWhat else could he want in a wife?â
Good lord. How did your mother marry this man? âA connection, perhaps.â You try not to sound too sarcastic. âSomeone he could care about and be a good partner to.â
He shakes his head. âYou do not want a marquess?â
You sigh. âFather, if Lord Kang was a marquess, I would want a marquess. If he was a viscount, I would want a viscount.â Finally, you let some of your annoyance bleed through your tone. âI would marry Lord Kang, whatever title he had. I like him, Father, and if he wishes to have me, I will have him.â
Your father sighs. âWell, his estate is certainly large, and he is of good lineage.â As if those were the reasons you want to marry him. âI will approve this match, daughter, if it makes you happy.â
If it makes you happy. You almost snort, but instead you school features into neutrality. âThank you, Father.â And as soon as you can after that, you leave the room.Â
You run into your governess just down the corridor. But while you have to skid to a stop to avoid her, it looks like sheâs been expecting you. âMy lady,â she says breathlessly. âLord Kang is in the drawing room, waiting for you.â
Your mind goes blank. Your governess takes the opportunity to start pushing you toward the stairs.Â
Just outside the drawing room, you have to stop in order to take a few breaths. For some reason, even though you know whatâs going to happen, your heart is beating like no tomorrow. Steadying yourself, you look up to the ceiling and say a quick prayer before stepping into the room.Â
Lord KangâTaehyunâturns around the moment you walk in and immediately his smile spreads wide across his face, more welcome and beautiful than anything youâve ever seen. âMy lady,â he says, bowing to your curtsy. There is a bouquet of flowers in his hand. âHow are you this morning?â
âI thought I told you to call me by my name,â you say, not bothering to hide your own smile. âOh, thank you.â You take the flowers heâs extending to you, suddenly feeling very shy.Â
âForgive me. Y/N.â His eyes grow softer, a sweet laugh escaping his lips. âI spoke to your father earlier.â
âI know.â You sit on the couch and he follows suit. Your governess makes to take the flowers, probably to put them in a vase somewhere, but you wave her off. You need something to hold or youâll get too nervous and start fidgeting, and besides, theyâre pretty. âHe spoke to me just now. Though I must confess, I did not expect you to come so soon.âÂ
âWhy wait?â Taehyunâs quips back, the corners of his lips quirking up. âI suppose, then, that you know what I came here to do.â He takes a deep breath, and out of the corner of your eye, you see your governess slipping out of the room.Â
âYou said you would need respect in marriage,â Taehyun says quietly. âFreedom, to pursue your own passions. I know you already said that you would view marriage favorably with me, but I wanted to make it known that I have always had, and always will have, an incredible amount of respect for you and your work, and that I would never deliberately endeavor to wrench you from it.â He tilts his head slightly. âAnd if I ever do so unintentionally, I beg that you tell me immediately so that I might rectify my mistake.â
You nod slowly, your heart full to bursting already.Â
âIn return, I only ask that you allow me the same respect. Not that you have ever given me a reason to assume you would otherwise.â His eyes crinkle with his smile. âAnd, if I may, Y/NâŠI do not know much of the love that which poets speak of, but even if I do not love you know given it has only been a few months since our meeting, I do believe that love will come very easily with you.â
Throat full of emotion, all you can do is nod. âAnd I, you,â you whisper, hardly able to breathe.
Taehyun pulls a small box out of his pocket. Eyes never leaving yours, he opens it, revealing a lovely ring inside.Â
The breaths you couldnât take lodges in your throat. You almost choke. Despite your ungainly behavior, the ring sparkles cheerfully in the morning sunshine, a simple band of gold set with a pearl, surrounded by tiny diamonds that throw light onto your face. âItâs beautiful,â you get out when you finally regain your voice.Â
âThere are several betrothal rings in my familyâs collection, but I thought this one would suit you best,â Taehyun says. He looks at you so very softly, so very gently. âItâs yours if you would like to have it.â
There might be tears in your eyes, but you force them back as you nod once, twice. âI would,â you barely manage to whisper.Â
You arenât wearing gloves, so when Taehyun takes your hand this time, you almost jolt with the sensation of his warm skin against yours. He slides the ring onto your finger but doesnât let go of your hand, even as the two of you admire it in the sunlight. âItâs lovely,â you breathe.Â
Taehyun smiles. âI would say the hand,â he replies gently.Â
You have the sudden realization that if you are to live the rest of your life with quiet compliments such as this, you might not survive more than few more years before you melt into a puddle on the ground.Â
âI will call the banns for us,â Taehyun continues, as if he hadnât just floored you with five simple words. âWe can be married as soon as is comfortable. And as for your dowry, itâs yours to spend as you wish.â He laughs at your dumbfounded state. âI wonât touch a pennyââÂ
Before even you know what youâre doing, youâve cut Taehyun off by wrapping your arms around him, pulling him to you in a warm embrace. The tears you tried to hold back have begun to fall and youâre well aware of how improper this is, but you couldnât help it. âThank you,â you whisper. âThank you, Taehyun.â
His own arms settle around you, warmly, gently. âOf course, Y/N,â he murmurs, his words ghosting softly past your ear. âFor you, always.â
. . . . .
epilogue.
Since you were young, youâve grown used to rising early. Reading or practicing as the sun peeks over the horizon is incredibly calming, and it always sets the tone well for what you must do the rest of the day.Â
The first few days after your wedding, though, every morning you remain in bed long after your usual waking time. Not least because the nightâs exertions exhaust you, but itâs so wonderful to wake up in your husbandâs arms, soft rays of sunlight peeking through the curtains and falling onto his face. Taehyun has always been handsome, but you think that he looks best in the morning light, his eyes softly closed, all the worries drained away from his face in slumber.Â
After a week, though, you find yourself awake at your typical time, mind itching to return to your routine. You lie in bed for a few minutes longer with your eyes closed, but when sleep doesnât overtake you again, you give in to the restless urge and slip out of the sheets as quietly as you can. Taehyun shifts a little in his sleep and you waver in your decision, but he eventually stills, breaths evening again. After kissing his forehead softly, you pad out of the room.
In the music room, you pull out a quiet sonata with which to accompany the rising sun. And as your fingers slowly dance over the keys, grey light turning pink through the window, your mind settles and so does your heart, an unconscious smile drifting over your lips.Â
The door opens after some time. You look up at the creaking sound, letting the music fade away. In the doorway stands your husband dressed somewhat haphazardly, his hair still half a mess, sleep still evident in his eyes. He looks rather adorable.Â
âGood morning,â you say, not even trying to hide your smile. âIs something wrong?â
âI woke up,â he mumbles back. âYou werenât there.â His eyes open a little more, a small, wry smile playing on his lips. âYouâre an early riser.â
âI have been since I was young.â You make to rise but Taehyun waves you back down, instead coming to sit next to you on the piano bench. âI tried not to wake you. Iâm sorry.â
âDonât apologize.â He lets his head fall onto your shoulder and his nose pokes right into the crook of your neck, right where you remember seeing a small red bruise from last night. You make a small noise but instead of moving away he just turns his head and kisses it.Â
Heat floods your body. âTaehyun,â you hiss.Â
âY/N,â he says back, and even though you canât really see his face you know he must be smiling. âCome back to bed. Weâre still on our honeymoon.â
You laugh softly. âI wonât be able to sleep.â
âWe donât have to sleep,â he murmurs in reply, nipping lightly at the bruise. You hiss and swat at him but he easily dodges with a laugh. âPlease, Y/N. Just a few hours more.â
You have known this man for just five months, been married to him barely a week, but already youâre completely weak to him and his large eyes. Though you try to suppress it, your smile grows wider as you finally acquiesce. âLet me finish playing through this,â you compromise, gesturing to the piano, âand then we can go.â
âPerfect.â Taehyun kisses you softly. âI love you.â
Your breath catches, just as it has every time heâs said those three words since the first night of your marriage. And as pink sunlight settles in the room, lighting on his face and yours, you give in to the melody singing in your heart and kiss him back. âI love you too.â
Reblogs and comments are deeply appreciated! Hope you enjoyed this, and have a lovely day :)
pairing:Â Beomgyu x fem!reader
genre:Â Â fluff, angst, enemies to lovers, regency era!au, nobility!au
warnings:Â mentions of abuse, cursing, period typical misogyny
word count:Â 7.7k
notes:Â
â updates every M/W/F at 8pm EST until the series finishes
â assault/abuse scenes are not graphic, but please heed the warnings and let me know if any of it is romanticized or just written in poor taste--I assure you I did not mean it, and I will fix anything needed.
â inspiration taken from an amalgamation of different bridgerton stories - let me know what easter eggs you find!
â story takes place in the same universe as my duke!yeonjun and earl!taehyun fics - check out the link to the series below for some more easter eggs :)
In a society where it only takes a year for a young woman in search of a husband to be considered out of season, it is no wonder that by your third year out, you are desperate to marry. Known as one of the beauties of the ton, such a task should not be difficult for youâbut with an absent father, no dowry, and a reputation centered around your inability to keep your mouth shut around one certain Beomgyu Choi, your prospects are more limited than youâd like. While you cannot recover your family or your wealth, however, the one thing you can try to control is your reputation. So when the third season rolls around, you resolve to keep your distance from Beomgyu Choi, your childhood enemy, and the man you hate most in the world.
Enter Beomgyu Choi, second son of the Kensington Viscountcy, one of the most eligible bachelors in the ton. His older brother, cousin, and good friend have all recently married, leaving the mamas to salivate at his doorstep for the chance of marrying one of their daughters to him. When Beomgyu walks in on a particularly traumatizing moment between you and one of the most unsavory men in the ton and learns of your desperation to marry, despite your history of enmity, he proposes you a devious dealâto pretend to court you. It seems like a winning situation for both of youâmore gentlemen will take notice of you, enhancing your prospects, and he will have the tonâs mamas off his backâand so, despite your misgivings, you agree.
With you hell bent on marriage and Beomgyu completely indifferent to the concept, even independent of your hatred for each other, it seems unlikely that any sort of true affection will bloom. But as you begrudgingly put aside your differences to spend more and more time in one anotherâs company, and as you grow to know each other beyond your ill-conceived preconceptions from childhood, you begin to realize that perhaps you two have more in common than you had once thought. And as your faked acquaintanceship becomes more truth than fiction, a friendship beginning to bloom most unexpectedlyâ
Perhaps you no longer need to convince the ton of the veracity of your courtship, because anyone with eyes can see that it is true.Â
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When your stepmother announces that the two of you will be attending the Harlowesâ upcoming garden party, you decide not to complain. It isnât as if anything would come of it even if you did. But the Harlowes are a nice family, and their parties are never too intenseâit is perfectly acceptable to pull out one of your older, more comfortable gowns for one of these events, and not have to worry about having a new one made.Â
Not that you have the money to afford new gowns at the moment. But even so, re-wearing one of your older ones saves you the effort of having to fetch your embroidery hoops and threads to spruce up one of your gowns just to give it the illusion of being new.Â
The day of the garden party dawns grey and wet in the morning, but by early afternoon the sun cheerfully shines in a blue sky mostly devoid of clouds. The light drizzle of the morning gives the grass a little sparkle as you step over the green, and to make things even better, a few gentlemen engage you in conversation almost immediately after you join the party, which takes you far away from your stepmother.Â
It's a strange feeling, having people around who are actually interested in courting you. You are no stranger to having admirers, it is true, but any admirers you had never showed much interest in actually pursuing you. Even after Mr. Choi started pretending to court you, the general sentiment around you still seemed to be mostly look, donât touch, until Lord Kim and his friends spoke to you at the Smythe-Smith musicale. With that conversation, it seems as though some final barrier has come crashing down, giving the men of the ton some sort of signal that you are acceptable for courtship.Â
You are begrudgingly grateful to Mr. Choi for proposing this idea, and to Lord Kim for being the first to actually begin courting you. But you canât say you donât find it a little demeaning that all of these men now asking for your attentions felt the need to wait for other men to approve you first before trying their hands.Â
Still, though, you need to be married, and beggarsâor third season near-spinstersâcanât be choosers. So you smile prettily the way youâve learned to and indulge them in conversation. Even though it is a garden party, Mrs. Harlowe has arranged for a short dais to be raised on the grass, a suitable floor for dancing. As the sun sets into evening, you engage some of the gentlemen in a few dances.Â
Eventually, though, your mind and body begin to tire, and citing exhaustion, you duck away from your dance partners to find some peace and quiet. You donât quite find that, but you do find the next best thingâLady Choi by the refreshments, looking at the desserts.
âIn need of saving?â she says as soon as youâre close enough, her lips twisted in a wry grin. âHere, you must be parched.â
You take the glass she hands you with thanks. âNot really saving,â you reply, taking a sip. âIâm just a little tired.â You sigh. âHow are you? Is your husband not here?â
âIâm doing all right for myself.â She smiles. âI came alone, but Soobin and his brother said they would join me later. They should be here soon.â
You nod, smiling easily with her. She was married early the season you debuted, but prior to that she had been out for three years before she and Soobin finally realized their childhood love for one another. They were married soon after, but they of course still attended the seasonâs events, and last year when it became obvious you were not to be married for the second year in a row, she was one of the few who comforted you, rather than mocked you behind your back. Youâve become good friends over the past year despite your turbulent relationship with her brother in law. You canât imagine how she abides Beomgyu in her daily life, but you only admire her all the more for it.
âOh, Mr. Choi will be here too?â you ask. âHe hadnât mentioned it to me.â
âCurious, arenât you?â Your friend snickers knowingly at you. You roll your eyes, because she actually knows nothing at all, but it isnât as though you can say that right now. âYou two are so strange. I suppose it really is true that hate is closer to love than anyone ever thinks.â
You just manage not to spew lemonade all over your friendâs dress. âLove?â you sputter, holding your drink at armâs length before you spill it more. Already there are a few drops soaking into your gloves. âWhereâwhatâwe donât love each otherââ
âOnly love could have ended that horrible blood between the two of you,â Lady Choi interrupts, glancing at you slyly. âTrust me, Y/N. If you donât love him now, you will come to.â
Only love. That, or maybe just a deal made by two desperate people.Â
âThat isâŠa long time coming in the future,â you finally say. âHe only started courting me a couple of months ago. We may be on better terms, but IâmâŠmarriageâŠâ You feel your cheeks get warm, even with the cool wind brushing across your cheeks. âWe havenât spoken of marriage. I donât know if either of us is ready for it, or if we will even want it.â
Nothing you just said was a lie. But you still feel slightly nauseous just thinking of it.Â
âPeople have gotten married in less time, and with less reason,â she points out. âPerhaps as his sister in law I am biased, but of all your suitors this seasonâand you have quite a few more than ever beforeâI believe him to be the best of all of them, and the best suited to you.â She squints at you briefly, then smiles. âI never thought I would say that. But when I saw you two in the park, talking and laughingâŠI must say, the two of you do make a striking pair.â
Talking and laughing. She doesnât know that you two were trading thinly veiled insults almost until the moment you saw them.Â
âWell, that isâŠvery kind of you to say,â you get out. You take a sip of your glass of lemonade, ignoring the sticky drops still staining your gloves. The sky has darkened with the onset of evening so no one should be able to see it, but you can feel it. And with your hands cracked between washing dishes and the slowly cooling weather, the stinging lemonade doesnât feel very good. You rack your mind for something to say, but behind your friend, two familiar figures catch your eye. âOh!â you exclaim, relieved at the distraction. âIs that your husband?â
Sure enough, Lord Choi and Mr. Choi are coming over the grass, the last rays of sunlight framing their faces. Not for the first time, you envy your friend for her marriage. Lord Choi is handsome, very handsome, but your envy doesnât come from his looks. Rather, it is the clear adoration on his face as he walks up to his wife and takes her arm so sweetly, the look they share after they greet each other that means a thousand things to them and no one else.Â
âMiss L/N.â Mr. Choi takes your hand and you nearly jump, still rattled from your conversation with Lady Choi. Belatedly you realize he took the hand with the lemonade spill, but heâs already pressing the customary kiss on your knuckles so there isnât any point in trying to pull away. He doesnât say anything about it either. âI didnât know you would be here today. How long have you been?â
âWell, my stepmother only decided we would attend a couple of days ago,â you reply back. Relief helps you smile quietly at himâyou can manage polite conversation like this. âIâve been here since the afternoon. We are very lucky the rain stopped earlier in the morning.â
âSo we are,â he agrees. His gaze skips over behind you, and his gaze turns nonplussed. âIt seems my brother and his wife have decided to give us some time alone.â
You turn and sure enough, the two of them are disappearing into the growing crowd, happily linked by their arms. You smile a little. âTheyâre in love,â is all you say.Â
âYes, I know,â Mr. Choi grumbles. âIt was such a pain to watch them figure it out. I swear, Soobin was about to send me to an early grave.â
That startles a laugh out of you. âWas it truly so terrible?â
âMiss L/N, one of the worst things that can ever happen to you is to watch two idiots fall in love and not realize it.â He shudders. âSoobin would deny it every time I tried to talk to him. They just have to realize it themselves, and unfortunately that takes an eternity.âÂ
You didnât know Lady Choi before she was married, but sheâs told you a fair amount about her childhood. And in the end, it always came back to Lord ChoiâSoobin. How they played together as kids, how he wrote to her even when he was in school, how he comforted her after her first season out with nary a proposal in sight. It was so obvious to you just from the way she spoke of him that she had loved him for a very, very long time.Â
You try to imagine what it would be like to be around that for five, ten, maybe fifteen years, except without admitting that she loved him. You also shudder.Â
It must have been infuriating.Â
You say as much to Mr. Choi and he snickers. He doesnât seem to do that around anyone else. Which makes senseâsnickering is not exactly one of the hallmarks of polite society, tittering is more like it. But Mr. Choi doesnât need to pretend to be polite around you given that you both have seen the worst parts of each other already.Â
Hm. You always thought that Mr. Choi brought out the worst in you, but maybe heâs the only one you can truly be yourself around, and vice versa. Flaws and all.Â
How ironic.
You drag yourself out of that strange train of thought with difficulty. Maybe youâll probe it again later, but the idea that only Mr. Choi knows the real you makes you want to hide in the bushes and maybe scream. âWould you like a drink, Mr. Choi?â you ask, motioning to the refreshments. âIt seems they have just refilled the table.â
Once both of you have drinks in hand, you congratulate yourself for having whiled away another few minutes of polite conversation with Mr. Choi. Then you realize that there arenât very many people around here, so you have to continue talking with him.Â
Good God. You didnât realize it would be so difficult to hold a conversation with Mr. Choi that didnât involve insults that echoed around the ton. It isnât that you want to hurl obscenities at him now. You just donât know what else to say. âAny residual trouble with the mamas?â you ask, because your deal is usually a safe topic when there arenât others around.Â
âOnly a few of the most determined.â He smiles at you in that conspiratorial way, like you share a secret, and when you smile back it feels almost friendly. It isnât a bad feeling. âMrs. JungâŠI hardly know anything about the woman, but when she puts her mind to something, she certainly does everything she can to see it to the end.â
You think back to the Mrs. Jung you know, all warm smiles and gentle eyes burning with a passion to see both of her daughters married to titled gentlemen. Her second daughter, Mihae, is a shy little thingâvery sweet, very pretty, but very quiet. You wonder how she feels about her motherâs efforts. âWell, you arenât wrong about that,â you reply frankly. âBut sheâs a good woman. Very kind.â
âI know. The two aspects are not mutually exclusive.â Mr. Choi sighs, then runs a hand through his hair. Your eye catches on the movement. In the fading sunlight, his brown hair takes on a tinge of gold, and for the first time you realize Mr. Choi really is handsome. You have never been blind to his looks, of courseâyou know he is attractive, the same way you know you are beautiful. But when he is friendly, when he speaks to you like a person and not someone he holds a childhood grudge againstâŠ
He's very handsome. And try as you might, you canât exactly figure out what to do with this information.Â
âYour end of the deal seems to be going rather well,â he says, and you shove your train of thought away. You are never picking that one back up. He eyes a small group of men farther down the green, who all seem to be looking at you with varying degrees of interest. Youâre quite sure they arenât looking at Mr. Choi, at least. âHow many suitors have you gathered?â
âA few,â you say, allowing yourself a wry smile. Lord Kim called the morning after the Smythe-Smith musicale, and for once your stepmother didnât yell at you at all for the rest of the day. There were a couple others, tooâMr. Winslow seemed very kind, and though you donât think much of Lord Fife, he at least made you laugh a little. âI suppose your plan did have some merit.â
âOf course it did. Iâm a genius.â He smirks, his expression so self-congratulating as he raises his glass to you in mock cheer that you abandon all notions of Mr. Choi being handsome. You want to pinch him. Hard.Â
âDonât inflate your head too much,â you snipe, taking a sip of your own drink. âIt doesnât become you.â
He snickers again and for some reason, you feel your annoyance grow. You force it down. You were having a good time, you remind yourself. Mr. Choi was being almost bearableâactually bearable, even, if youâre being nice. You just need to change the subject back to something safe that wonât have you at his throat in seconds, or maybe maneuver yourselves to talk to other peopleâ
âDid you not buy gloves?â
You blink. âWhat?â
âThe other week, when I called. You mentioned you had gone to town to buy gloves.â Mr. Choi looks down at your hands, then back at you blankly, completely oblivious to the way your heart has stopped beating. âDid you not find any? Forgive me if I am wrong, but you seem to be wearing the same pair as always.â
If your heart wasnât beating a second ago, it is now beating fast enough that you almost canât breathe. You look down at your gloves. You always wear themâyou need them to hide the calluses and cracks that come with your housework at homeâbut no one has remarked on them before. Theyâre plain, white, and customary. Youâve always kept them clean and mended them to perfection and you havenât had to spend your familyâs meager funds on a second pair in years.Â
Why did you use that as your excuse to Mr. Choi? Why did he have to remember that? And why, just why did he even have to notice?
âI didnât find anything that day,â you say haltingly. âAnd I havenât had much time to go out since.â Your voice grows slightly sharp, and you canât seem to rein it back in. âI spilled some lemonade on them earlier. I apologize if that upset you.â
A beat of silence follows. You bite the inside of your lip to keep yourself from speaking and making things worse.Â
âDamn,â Mr. Choi finally curses, breaking the silence. You blink, but his expression softens, looking almost contrite. âI apologize. I shouldnât have said anything. I spoke without thinking, Miss L/N.â He swallows, looking uncomfortable for the first time. You start to feel a little guilty for snapping at him. âI wanted to make conversation and so I spoke my thoughts without thinking. I apologize if I offended you.â
âItâsâŠquite all right,â you say, feeling just as awkward as he looks. âI must apologize for snapping at you. It was not so offensive a question, I was just notâŠprepared.â
Mr. Choi raises an eyebrow. âThat might be the second time youâve apologized to me, Miss L/N.â
You roll your eyes, but for all his mocking words, you canât help but feel relieved that he let it all go so quickly. âAs Iâve said before, donât get used to it,â you snap. âAnd if I recall correctly, you apologized first.â
âSo I did.â He smiles, looking almost friendly yet again, and it seems like heâs about to say something more before someone calls his name.Â
âBeomgyu!â
The two of you turn to see a man and his wife walking up, his wife holding something in her arms. You donât quite recognize them, though the wife looks very familiar. You stare at her a moment, trying to place her, but then Mr. Choi smiles widely and calls out the manâs name. âYeonjun! I didnât know you would come today.â
And then it hits you. This woman was the diamond of your first season who was acknowledged by the queen during her debut, and who went on to marry the Duke of Hastings, only the most eligible bachelor of the ton in years. You havenât spoken much to her, but she is beautiful, and from what you have heard, she is also kind, gracious, and very intelligent.Â
The Duke of Hastings also happens to be Mr. Choiâs first cousin, which explains why they seem so delighted to see each other here.
A sick feeling curdles in your stomach. What would such a brilliant woman think of you, sharp-witted and foul-mouthed, being courted by her cousin in law? Surely she has read Whistledown or seen snippets of it. Last season, there was a mention of you in every other week, and very few of them were focused on your positive aspects.Â
The two of them approach you with bright smiles. You see that the duchess isnât just carrying somethingâin fact, sheâs carrying her baby, which explains the servant trailing behind her with a small pram. Though your palms remain sweaty with anxiety, something in you melts when you see the child, small and giggly and obviously very happy to be in their motherâs arms.Â
âWell, we wanted to get some fresh air. Iâve been cooped up inside for too long.â The duchess smiles and in that one expression, you can see her kindness. âThe Harlowes always host some of the greatest parties, so I thought we could drop by.â She looks at you, obviously not recognizing you, but her kind smile doesnât waver. âMight I ask your name? Iâm not sure weâve been introduced.â
âOh, I am Miss Y/N L/N.â You curtsy slightly, fixing a smile to your face. âMy father is the Baronet L/N, I am not sure if you are acquainted with him.â
To your surprise, her smile doesnât fade even the slightest upon hearing your name. In fact, she only laughs. âSo you are the young lady Lord Choi was telling me about, the one who had such a terrible history with Beomgyu only for him to end up courting her.â She leans closer to you. âBetween you and me, Miss L/N, whatever you did to him in the past, Iâm sure he deserved it.â
Her words startle a laugh out of your chest, compounded only when Mr. Choi snaps âHey!â with a deep pout. âIâm not that bad,â he mutters.
âActually, you are,â the duke replies, smirking, which just sets you off again.Â
The duchess, apparently taking pity on Mr. Choiâshe might just be an angelâsegues the conversation away from teasing him to your courtship, which is a much less welcome topic but also one that probably cannot be avoided. âHow long has this been happening?â she asks, handing her baby off to the duke. âThe way Soobin told me about it, you two had been at odds forâŠwell, nearly forever.â
Youâve told the story so many times that it is almost second nature for the lies to slip off your tongue. Mr. Choi nods to emphasize some points, and chimes in to finish the story off on his own. You look at him after, just for a moment, to let your secret understanding pass between the two of you.
âWell, that sounds just like a love story for the books,â the duke says, smiling in surprise. âI honestly never though Beomgyu would get past his childhood grudge. Itâs good to see that heâs matured.â
âI wouldnât say that,â you tease, which sets off another round of laughs from everyone but Mr. Choi, who narrows his eyes at you with his mouth still fixed into that deep pout. âI jest. But I will admit, it has been nice to see another side of Mr. Choi that I had not been privy to before.â Itâs as much truth as it is a lie, so you donât feel much guilt for saying it.
Mr. Choi, likely sensing that you are veering back into teasing territory, swiftly turns the conversation to the duchessâs baby. Apparently she is just a few months old and already the sweetest thing, but she was a bit small at birth. âShould she be outside like this?â Mr. Choi asks, stroking back a bit of flyaway hair on her head. The duke obligingly hands the child to his cousin, and as he carefully takes the baby, you are reminded of how he spoke to your little sister that day he called. Heâs so gentle, so sweet and concernedâhe almost seems like a different person altogether.Â
âThe doctor said it should be fine, and that it would do good for her to get some fresh air every so often,â the duchess says, gazing fondly at her child. It isnât right, but you feel a little pang of envyâthat she is so beautiful, that she can be so kind and have such a loving and doting husband as well as the sweetest child. Sheâs perfect in every way that you arenât. âShe seems to be enjoying it.â
âShe certainly does,â you say softly, holding out a finger to her. She grabs it with her own little hands and you laugh when her big eyes find yours, wide with wonder and curiosity. âSheâs lovely.â
âWould you like to hold her?â the duchess asks.Â
You take her with reverent hands, feel her small body pressed against yours as she laughs and gurgles at you. She reminds you of Delia when she was small and you helped take care of her, rocking her to sleep before she napped, walking her around your small garden so she could see the flowers. âSheâs lovely,â you whisper again, more to yourself than anyone else.Â
When you look up, the duke and duchess are gazing at their child with undisguised fondness, but Mr. Choi seems to be looking at you with a strange expression. You frown at him slightly. âMr. Choi? Is something wrong?â
He blinks. âNo, nothing at all,â he says, that strange expression disappearing so fast you almost think you imagined it. You narrow your eyes, not trusting him completely, but then the baby gurgles again so adorably that you have to coo.Â
The duke and duchess eventually leave, and then Mr. Choi leads you to the small stage to dance with you twice. You spend a few hours more at the party, just chatting and laughing, before your stepmother decides it is time to leave.Â
When you go to bid goodbye to Mr. Choi, that same strange expression flashes across his face quickly before he bows and wishes you a good night. And for some reason, though so much happened during the day, you canât help but wonder what that expression meant all the way home.Â
. . . . .
Standing across the ballroom, watching you whisk your way across the dance floor with another man, Beomgyu comes to the unfortunate conclusion that you are likely actually a good person. This is a very unfortunate finding, as it only makes it more difficult for him to dislike you on principle as he always has.
But he canât exactly ignore it anymore. The fact has been pushing him to stare it in the face for a while now, but after the Harlowesâ party, where you held the duchessâs child with such tenderness and careâŠ
Quite frankly, Beomgyu has never seen you look so soft in your life. He caught a glimpse of it when he met Delia for the first time, but your tenderness to those you care for has never been more obvious than in that moment when you held the baby. Beomgyu automatically distrusts those who are rude to childrenâhe would never say anyone has to like them, but they are young and inexperienced and never deserve outright cruelty. To those who are not only kind to children, but actively respectful and accommodating for each of their individual quirks and personalitiesâŠwell, Beomgyu holds such people in quite a high regard. It usually means they have good hearts.
As Beomgyu is beginning to see in many of your interactions with others, you have a good heart indeed.
When he saw you holding his cousinâs baby, your face soft with wonder and tenderness, it struck him then that good people are very beautiful, no matter their looks. And unfortunately, since then, he hasnât been able to see you the same way he did beforeâpretty, but unconvincing in your respectability. The more he observes you, though, the more grudging respect he gains for you.
It is true that you have acted abominably around him. But Beomgyu now must conceded that he has let that part of you blind him long enough that he never bothered to notice how you act around others, too. This leaves a bit of a bitter taste in his mouth, though he has to acknowledge that he is at least as responsible for your mutual enmity as you are.Â
It doesnât mean he has plans to apologize just yet, though.Â
The current piece ends, and Beomgyu watches you curtsy to your partner with a wide smile on your face. The man doesnât seem to be one that he recognizes, and he frowns a little. Beomgyu knows almost every gentleman in the ton, simply by virtue of the season and attending school with them for many years. If he doesnât know who this person is, he must be from out of town.Â
It isnât that rare for some foreign nobility to attend a season to find a partner in London, but Beomgyu feels certain that he would have heard of such a thing from Whistledown. Perhaps this man arrived in the week between issues. The next issue should tell him more about this person.Â
No matter. You and Beomgyu agreed to dance a quadrille tonight and that so happens to be the next dance in this set. Foreign suitor or not, he should at least ask if you would like to take to the floor with him. He wouldnât mind if you refused, as there will be other quadrilles, but he wonât break your agreement.Â
You fairly seem to sparkle tonight. As Beomgyu comes closer, he almost stops at the sight of your bright smile directed right at this foreign lord. Youâve never looked so happyâor at least so enamored. Which, to be honest, Beomgyu doesnât quite understand. Yes, this man is handsome, but what exactly else does he have?
Thankfully, he gets to you when it seems that youâve reached a lull in your conversation. He catches your attention and to his surprise, your smile hardly fades when you notice him. âMiss L/N,â he greets, bowing slightly.Â
âMr. Choi.â You curtsy prettily, and thatâs when Beomgyu realizes why your bright smile unsettled himâit looks completely genuine. With everyone else youâve spoken to, your expression has been pretty but bland, pleasant but reserved in a way that isnât quite yourself. Right now, though, speaking to this new person, you look completely at ease with yourself, and not in the way you are with Beomgyu, unafraid to bite back and toss insults in his face.Â
No, with this foreign lord, you look completely yourself in your most charming form. And BeomgyuâŠ
He almost feels jealous of it.Â
âAllow me to introduce you to Lord Cho,â you say, breaking Beomgyu out of his rapidly devolving train of thought. âLord Cho, meet Mr. Choi, second in line to the viscountcy of Kensington.â
âA pleasure.â Lord Cho inclines his head, that charming smile never once fading. Beomgyu has to force his own smile not to curdle as he greets the other lord in turn.Â
âLord Cho has just come from the continent to join the season,â you explain. âHe hails from Prussia.â
Beomgyu raises an eyebrow. Prussia is a great distance away, not one that most would brave simply to join the London season. He has enough propriety not to say that, of course, but he has to wonder why this Lord Cho could find no one in his home country to marry, with his good looks and charm. âMy word, that is quite the journey,â he says neutrally. âI hope you did not find the travel too taxing.â
âNot at all.â Lord Cho smiles easily, which for some reason just puts Beomgyu more on edge. âI love to travel, and if in the end it was to meet Miss L/N, it was all worth it.â
Beomgyu almost gags. To your credit, you donât look much impressed by his flirty quip, but you do smile somewhat wryly at him. âWe have only just met, Lord Cho,â you say. âDo save your deepest compliments for those who deserve them.â
Lord Cho grins. âAnd do you not think you are deserving?â
Thatâs quite enough. Beomgyu fixes his attention on you before he does something stupid to Lord Cho, like roll his eyes. Or punch him in the face. âMiss L/N, the quadrille is about to begin,â he says. âI came to ask if you might want to dance.â
You glance at Lord Cho, but before Beomgyu can tell what youâre thinking, youâve turned back to him and are putting your hand in his. âOf course,â you reply. âThank you, Mr. Choi. Lord Cho, perhaps I will find you sometime later this evening.â
âI will count the dances until then,â he replies smoothly, and Beomgyu just refrains from rolling his eyes as he leads you onto the floor.
The music begins, and the two of you effortlessly take your starting positions. âHow did you meet him?â Beomgyu mutters as you pass one another.Â
âIt seems he is good friends with Mr. Jung,â you reply. âLord Cho is staying with him while he decides whether or not he wishes to stay long enough to let a house. He came with Mr. Jung to this ball.â
This makes sense, to Beomgyu. Wooyoung is a social butterfly. If anyone in town were to have foreign friends, it would be him. He spins you under his arm. âYou seem to like him very much.â
A little smile involuntarily curves your lips. Beomgyu isnât even sure you notice it, which annoys him more than it really should. âHeâs very charming,â you say. âAnd he has already asked to call on me sometime this week.â
Well, at least he seems to be serious. Beomgyu wants to ask more questions, but the music is picking up as it nears the climax of the dance, so he forces himself to focus on the steps first as you dip and spin and whirl across the floor. There will be time to probe later. Beomgyu doesnât wish to think ill of someone he hardly knows, but he has been accounted a fair judge of peopleâs personalities. If he dislikes Lord Cho, there might be a reason.Â
Or it could just be that twinge of jealousy that he felt earlier.Â
No. He turns you under his arm, catches your hand. For a moment, the two of you meet eyes. He canât be jealousâyou two have no relationship. He isnât even really courting you. Sure, the animosity between you two might be fading ever so slightly, but you are still a ways from even being friends. Jealousy doesnât make sense. This is justâŠconcern. Normal concern that one would feel for any acquaintance who might possibly be in a worrisome situation.Â
The music fades out, and as he bows to your curtsy, Beomgyu can already see Lord Cho glancing at you from one side of the ballroom with a group of what Beomgyu will assume to be his friends. Fortunately, the refreshments are on the other side of the room. âShall we get a drink, Miss L/N?â he asks. âYou must be parched after having danced so much this evening.â
You smile at him gratefully, and Beomgyu feels some absurd sense of pride that heâs the one who made you smile this way. âThat would be most welcome,â you say, and so the two of you head to a table laid out with an array of glasses.Â
Several things happen in rapid succession.Â
One: Beomgyu picks up two glasses of lemonade and hands one to you.Â
Two: You take the glass.Â
Three: Someoneâs elbow knocks into you from behind.Â
Four: You crash right into Beomgyu, and the two of you fall to the floor in a twist of limbs and lemonade.Â
Beomgyu blinks, drops of lemonade stinging his eyes slightly as he tries to take in what just happened. Youâre on the floor and clearly took the worst of the fallâyou may have knocked into him, but your cup shattered on the ground and little glass shards lie all around you, glinting in the candlelight. "Bloody hell,â he curses under his breath. Someoneâs apologies sound vaguely against his ears but he can only hear your slight hiss of annoyance as you try to stand. âMiss L/N, comeâyou need to get out of the glass.â You cry out in pain when he tries to take your hand so he gingerly grips your fingers to help you up. âCome, Iâll help you to another room,â he says, glaring at those who have come to gawk at the scene. âMove, please,â he snaps at the crowd.Â
Somehow the two of you make it to a small, empty room, where a servant rushes in with a little basin of water and a cloth. Beomgyu looks at you, unsure what to do. Your gloves are covered in sticky lemonade and part of the front of your dress is also soaked in it, but worst of allâŠ
A line of red seems to have soaked through your gloves. Youâre bleeding.Â
âYouâre bleeding,â he says as calmly as he can. âMiss L/Nââ
âI know,â you snap, jerking your hands away from his, which doesnât make sense because heâs the one who has the cloth to wipe the blood with. He doesnât relent, though. âThe glass must have scratched you,â he says, reaching for you again. âWe need to clean it.â
You look at him. He looks at you. Then, almost as one, you look down at the blood seeping through your gloves.Â
Through your gloves. Beomgyu blinks. There are no rips in the fabric, just stains from your blood and the lemonade.Â
Which means the glass didnât cut you, and the blood is coming from something else.Â
âMiss L/N,â Beomgyu says slowly. âWhat happened to your hands?â
. . .
You stay silent for a moment. When you raise your head, a dull expression resides on your face. âLeave me, please, Mr. Choi,â you say, reaching with your unbloodied glove. âI can clean myself up. You need not be here.â
Beomgyu snatches back the cloth. âNo,â he replies shortly. âHow exactly do you plan to bandage your hand on your own? Do you even have anything to bind it with?â
âJust leave me!â you snap. âI will find some way on my ownââ
âWould you just let me stay here and help you?â Beomgyu explodes. âI know you donât like me, but I only want to help!â
Then he remembers that the door is still open.Â
Dead silence falls. But though no one comes in and he hears no whispers outside, meaning their deal is probably still safe, he looks at you and you suddenly looked hunched in andâterrified. Beomgyu feels awful. âIâm sorry,â he apologizes. âI didnât mean to yell, and I certainly didnât mean to say that.â
You swallow hard. Beomgyu is reminded of the terrible night of that first ball, when Mr. Thompson tried to assault you and you went into something like shock. This time, though, you manage to speak. âItâs all right,â you say quietly. âIâm sorry, too. Itâs not because I dislike you. ItâsâŠâ You turn away.Â
Beomgyu reaches out. Takes the hand with the bloody glove gently. You flinch slightly and he almost lets go, but with seeming effort you force yourself to relax. You donât pull away even as he begins to peel back the worn cotton layer to reveal your bare hands.Â
A ladyâs hand is meant to be smooth, soft. The hardest labor they might do with their hands is sew embroidery, or pen letters and documents every day. But your hands are rough, littered with small calluses and cuts left in tender skin. The pads of your fingers look pricked and raw while your palms seem slightly swollen. Beomgyu recognizes the cracks that come from the mixture of harsh wind and exposure to cold water. He got plenty of those when he used to play outside in the winter, but young ladies your age donât play outside, especially not in this harsh winter season. These marks have no place on your hands.Â
So where did they come from?
Without a word, Beomgyu dips the cloth into the basin and presses it against one of the cracks still oozing blood on your palm. Silence fills the room save for the sound of your breathing, the ripple of water in the basin as he wets the cloth again.Â
âYouâre not going to ask what happened?â you ask roughly. Normally, Beomgyu would bristle at your tone and the sarcasm littered through it, but in this moment he recognizes that this is your last defense in a moment of weakness. He doesnât rise to the bait.Â
âNo,â he replies quietly. âNot unless you want to tell me. I will not pry.â
You stay silent for a moment more. Beomgyu continues cleaning off the blood and lemonade, acutely aware of your eyes warily searching his face for something. He doesnât quite know if you find it, but as heâs dipping the cloth back into the basin, you take a breath.Â
âOn your honor,â you say, voice trembling, âwhat I am about to say does not leave this room.â
He nods. âOn my honor, and that of my family, I swear it.âÂ
Something in your face seems to relax, though your shoulders remain tense. âI have no dowry.â
This is common knowledge. Beomgyu says nothing of it, though, and just waits.Â
âMy family is poor.â You state the words with a dull finality. âWe may still have our house and estate, but we do not have a full array of servants.â You pause to take a deep breath and Beomgyu has a sinking feeling he knows what you will say next.Â
âAnd so someone must help them with the chores they cannot summon the manpower to do.â
Beomgyu lets those words mill around his mind for a bit before he says anything. âAnd that person is you,â he states.Â
Your lips curve in the semblance of a smile, though no mirth reaches your eyes. âHow ever did you guess?â you ask, sarcasm in every word.Â
Silence falls again. Beomgyu takes the time to sort through the revelations youâve given him. Your family is far poorer than the ton even knows. There is not enough money to hire the number of servants needed to keep your estates in order. Which means you must help them with their work, resulting in these rough, callused hands. Beomgyu can see exactly where these cracks come from. Doing laundry in the cold air, icy water drying out your hands while the wind chaps themâŠ
A sick feeling rises in his stomach. No wonder you wear gloves all the time. And no wonder you have worn the same pair forâŠhowever long. Probably longer than Beomgyu even knows. You likely donât have the money to spare for a new one.Â
âDoes your stepmother know about this?â he asks quietly.
You snort. âWho do you think ordered me to begin with it?â
He stops. Stares. âWhat?â
âMy stepmother hates me,â you snap. âI am a daughter, and not even one by her blood. If I wasnât already known to society when she married my father Iâm sure she would have dropped me off as a maid in someone elseâs home and been done with me.â Your voice starts rising, but with visible effort, you rein yourself in. âUnfortunately, she is stuck with me, so I must earn my keep as a daughter who brings no monetary value to the household.âÂ
Beomgyuâs head is reeling. So he was rightâyou and your stepmother arenât on good terms. But what he hadnât realized was just how bad those terms were. Not only does your stepmother know about your servitude, sheâs the one who started it. And Beomgyu doesnât have to ask to know that your stepmother has likely never lifted a hand to help even when you started.Â
He feels a little nauseous. Maybe you really do fear your stepmother, if your relationship is more of a master and servant than a mother and daughter. It sounds terrible, but the more you say, the more likely it becomes.Â
No wonder you are so insistent on marrying before society takes you off the marriage shelf.
Something of his thoughts must show on his face, because you jerk your hands away. âDonât pity me,â you say dangerously, a snarl creeping into your words. Your eyes shine strangely and Beomgyu thinks you might be about to cry. âI am telling you now, Mr. Choiâdonât you dare give me any of your pity. I donât want it. If that is what keeps you in here, you can leave right now.â
âI donât pity you,â he replies quietly, reaching for your hand again. âI could never pity a person as strong as you.â
Tension hangs in the air, so thick it feels like a noose wrapping around his neck. Slowly, though, you extend your hand back to him, and the air relaxes slightly. âDoes your father know?â he asks.Â
âNo. He is always on his nth business venture, trying to make money for the household so my brother will have something to inherit.â You shake your head. âHis last letter was months ago. I have no idea where he is or if heâs even still alive. Anyway, my stepmother would never have me work whenever he was home, and heâd never believe me if I said anything anyway.â
Beomgyu sucks in a breath. Lets it out slowly, very slowly. âI see,â is all he ends up saying.
You watch in silence as he takes a clean handkerchief from his pocket and wraps it around your hand, covering the cuts in the white cloth. It takes him a few tries but he finally manages to tie the ends in a knot. It looks a bit clumsy, but it is functional. âYouâll want to bandage that properly later,â he says. âDo you still want to return to the party?â
He sees the answer written on your face even before you reply. âNo,â you whisper, and for the first time that eveningâthe first time everâyou look broken. It shatters something in Beomgyuâs chest. âNo, I really donât.â You swallow. âBut my stepmother is still here and she wonât want to leave so soonâŠâ
âI will send you home in mine,â he interrupts quietly. âI had planned to stay a few hours longer, anyway. If anyone asks, I will say that the mess was too great, and you went home to clean up and rest.â He holds out a hand. âWill that be all right?â
Relief crashes over your face as you nod. âYes,â you say. âThank you very much.â
The two of you slip out of the room. Beomgyu is thankful to see that no one seems to have been in the hallway. You alert a servant to the basin and cloth you left in there, and then Beomgyu manages lead you out of the mansion without anyone asking too many questions. You donât speak until youâre in front of his familyâs carriage and Beomgyu has given directions to the footman. He offers you a hand to help you inside and you take it, but you donât step up yet.
âThank you, Mr. Choi,â you say quietly. âI must apologize for any rude behavior I displayed earlier. I am ever grateful for your help, and your understanding.â You swallow. âI owe you.â
âYou owe me nothing,â he replies. âAnd there is nothing to forgive. You were forced to show me something you have kept secret for a long time, and understandably soâI cannot imagine anyone would have reacted gracefully in the face of that.â He looks at you, moonlight glittering solemnly in your eyes. âAnd, Miss L/N, I swear on my honor and those who came before me that what you told me tonight will never pass my lips to another. Not without your express permission.â
You look at him for a long moment, gaze unreadable. âMr. Choi,â you finally say, âfor all the faults I once perceived in you, your honor is the one thing that has never been in doubt to me.â
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pairing:Â Beomgyu x fem!reader
genre:Â Â fluff, angst, enemies to lovers, regency era!au, nobility!au
warnings:Â cursing, period typical misogyny
word count:Â 9.3k
notes:Â
â updates every M/W/F at 8pm EST until the series finishes
â inspiration taken from an amalgamation of different bridgerton stories - let me know what easter eggs you find!
â story takes place in the same universe as my duke!yeonjun and earl!taehyun fics - check out the link to the series below for some more easter eggs :)
In a society where it only takes a year for a young woman in search of a husband to be considered out of season, it is no wonder that by your third year out, you are desperate to marry. Known as one of the beauties of the ton, such a task should not be difficult for youâbut with an absent father, no dowry, and a reputation centered around your inability to keep your mouth shut around one certain Beomgyu Choi, your prospects are more limited than youâd like. While you cannot recover your family or your wealth, however, the one thing you can try to control is your reputation. So when the third season rolls around, you resolve to keep your distance from Beomgyu Choi, your childhood enemy, and the man you hate most in the world.
Enter Beomgyu Choi, second son of the Kensington Viscountcy, one of the most eligible bachelors in the ton. His older brother, cousin, and good friend have all recently married, leaving the mamas to salivate at his doorstep for the chance of marrying one of their daughters to him. When Beomgyu walks in on a particularly traumatizing moment between you and one of the most unsavory men in the ton and learns of your desperation to marry, despite your history of enmity, he proposes you a devious dealâto pretend to court you. It seems like a winning situation for both of youâmore gentlemen will take notice of you, enhancing your prospects, and he will have the tonâs mamas off his backâand so, despite your misgivings, you agree.
With you hell bent on marriage and Beomgyu completely indifferent to the concept, even independent of your hatred for each other, it seems unlikely that any sort of true affection will bloom. But as you begrudgingly put aside your differences to spend more and more time in one anotherâs company, and as you grow to know each other beyond your ill-conceived preconceptions from childhood, you begin to realize that perhaps you two have more in common than you had once thought. And as your faked acquaintanceship becomes more truth than fiction, a friendship beginning to bloom most unexpectedlyâ
Perhaps you no longer need to convince the ton of the veracity of your courtship, because anyone with eyes can see that it is true.Â
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Beomgyu might have to go down in history as one of the great geniuses of the century, because it is no exaggeration to say that his plan is working splendidly. This isnât to say there havenât been a few hiccupsâyouâve had to get used to telling your cover story to different people, not to mention having to learn to tolerate one otherâs presences for hours at a time, which was no small feat for either of you. For the first few days there were more people than ever trying to get your and his attention because apparently the sight of you two together was just too bizarre to comprehend. Whistledown herself expressed her astonishment for two entire paragraphs in her gossip column, which did give him a good laugh. Overall, though, especially now that those first hellish days are over, Beomgyu feels that the results now far outweigh the initial complications.Â
And results there are, even after just a week of pretending to court you. Mostly for himâat the last ball, after the news of this new relationship had spread, only perhaps a third of the mamas from before kept trying to hog his attention. With some luck, in a couple of weeks, even those will disappear too.Â
Though there have been results for you too. At that very same ball, after dancing with you not once but twice (following the proper protocol of ninety minutes between each dance, of course), Beomgyu could point out no less than three of his gentleman peers eyeing you in a different light. And for all of your skepticism, when he pointed it out, you had to admit he was right.
Ha. When this is over, Beomgyu will just have to rub this success in your face every time you meet, just to see your teeth grind in that amusing way of yours.
The two of you are promenading in the park today. It is not the sunniest of afternoons, with several grey clouds drifting slowly across the sky, but there is a nice breeze in the air and Beomgyu likes the way it feels against his skin, cool and refreshing compared to the crowded ballrooms. This is nicer than he thought it would be, really. Not just the weather, but you on his arm as well. When you decide to be civil, you can be a strangely pleasant presence.
He would die before admitting this, of course.
On Beomgyuâs arm, youâre also looking at the sky. âThis is strange,â you say.Â
He blinks. âStrange how?â
âItâs a nice day and Iâm promenading in the park with a gentleman and that gentleman is you,â you state plainly. âI never really thought this would happen.â
Beomgyu frowns. âYouâve never gone promenading before?â
âWith my family, many times. With suitors, perhaps once or twice. Maybe three times.â You shrug. âMy family doesnât have much money, Mr. Choi. I know it can be difficult to look past my radiant exterior, but once they remember my background and lack of dowry, it is a bit harder to forget.â
Radiant exterior. Beomgyu wants to roll his eyes. Sure, you are beautiful and itâs not something anyone would deny, but you could stand to maintain a humbler image, even if it isnât quite truthful. âMen are very easily blinded by pretty things, though,â he says, snickering when you roll your own eyes. âI really do find it hard to believe that you have not had a proposal from anyone better than Mr. Thompson.â
âOh, so you think that Iâm pretty?â
Beomgyu gives you the stink eye in response to your mocking grin. âYour beauty is well known throughout the ton, Miss L/N,â he deadpans. âI would be in extremely poor taste if I did not acknowledge it.â
âThat is true,â you say, adopting a supercilious expression that Beomgyu almost wants to laugh at. âBut...well, I have had one other proposal. It was much less offensive than Mr. Thompsonâs. I would rather go insane than marry him,â you add, and this time Beomgyu does give in to the urge to laugh. âDonât spread the word, for he is now happily married and I do not wish to embarrass him butâŠLord Kierston.â You sigh and your gaze turns a little regretful. âMaybe I should have said yes.â
Beomgyu stares. ââŠThe man is at least twice your age. And his breath smells rotten.â
âThat is true.â A flicker of a smile shows on your lips, just like the night of that first ball, but before Beomgyu can really catch it, it disappears immediately. âBut for all his rotten breath, at least he wouldnât assault me.â
Beomgyu instantly feels like a jackass. âI apologize. That was insensitive of me.â
âDonât apologize.â You look at him with half a smile on your face. âIf I were in your place I probably would have said the same thing, and then had the exact same reaction.âÂ
The two of you walk in silence for a few moments. âMaybe thatâs why we have never gotten along,â Beomgyu finally muses aloud.Â
You look at him, an eyebrow raised. âWhy?â
âWeâre too much alike,â he replies, smirking. âAnd because we are the type to butt heads at the slightest invitation, we butt heads with each other far too often.â
âNever compare me to you again.â You shudder. âBut I can concede that there might be some truth to your statement.â
âDonât make that face, you should be honored to be compared to me.â Beomgyu snickers as you roll your eyes again. âBut no, in all seriousness, you might not want to make that face. There is a group of men observing you beyond those trees.â
Beomgyu marvels at how quickly you rearrange your features into a pleasant mask, placid and pretty and bland, nothing like the scowls he usually finds himself on the receiving end of. If he didnât know you heâd say you were the picture of a perfect debutante. You look up at him with a lovely little smile, batting your eyelids just so as your fan flutters gently in your hand, and for just a moment Beomgyu finds himself at a loss for words.Â
âWhat say you?â you whisper, oblivious to his current predicament. âDo I look like Iâm actually enjoying your presence?â
He coughs. âUnfortunately, yes,â he says, because he can currently form only two coherent words without needing to choke. He clears his throat slightly. âChrist, where did you learn to playact so well?â
You look around with that same little genuine-but-not smile. It is so unsettling to see that on your face. âWell, when the people around you donât care much for your wit or sarcasm in favor of your beauty, you find ways to lean into it.â You turn back to him with a meaningful expression. âOnly Iâm not quite so adept at holding up the façade when it comes to things I dislike.â
Beomgyu squints, affronted. âDid you just refer to me as a thing?â
âApologies, my lord. Even I couldnât be so demeaning.â You flash him a brighter, far more sarcastic smile that looks so much more genuine than before, and that he finds much easier to stomach. âAllow me to correct myself. Iâm not quite so adept at holding up facades when it comes to things and people I dislike.â
âWell, youâre doing quite an admirable job now,â Beomgyu mutters, casting a wary glance at the group of men. âThey seem quite interested in you.â He peers at you, narrowing his eyes just a touch too much to be sincere. âWhere did you learn to bat your eyes like that? You almost look normal.â
You glare at him for a split second before returning to your previous serene expression. âItâs a skill all ladies eventually acquire,â you snip back. âYou men are very simple. Very weak to perceived beauty.â As if to accentuate your point, you flutter your fan ever so gracefully to coquettishly hide your face.Â
Beomgyu raises an amused eyebrow. âAre we truly so simple as that?â
âOf course you are. You said so yourself, earlier.â You snort, then cast a glance over the small group naturally, so naturally. âLord Fife, is it not?â you say out of the corner of your mouth, giving them a little wave. To Beomgyuâs disgust, one of them actually looks a little starstruck. âAnd his usual group of friends.â
âI believe so.â He looks away from the scene. They are not the best group of people in the ton, but a far sight better than the likes of Mr. Thompson. âOne of them looks quite entranced by you.â
A small snort puffs out of your nose. Against his will, Beomgyu almost finds it endearing. âHe might be starstruck, but his mother gave me the cut direct once when she found out I had no dowry.â You roll your eyes, but your smile has dimmed. âI wonât say it is hopeless, but his mother isnât the type to allow her son to marry someone like me. At least not without a fight.â
âThen he should grow a spine and stand up to her, if he really wanted you,â Beomgyu mutters. You look at him sharply, eyes narrowed, but before he can try to decipher your expression his eye catches on a familiar couple in the distance and he blanches. âOh, God.â
You follow his gaze and react equally as badly. âWhy did you not tell me theyâd be here?â you hiss.Â
âDoes it look like I knew they would?â he hisses back.Â
Fast approaching the two of you are Soobin and his wife. Unfortunately for Beomgyu, Soobin is his damn brother and his wife is, if he remembers correctly, one of your good friends. Soobin decided to stay in the country for a couple weeks longer than Beomgyu did so he hasnât been around to ask questions, but apparently that respite is gone now too. âJust remember the cover story,â he mutters.Â
âYou remember the cover story,â you snipe back. âI know it just fine.â
He wants to retort but Soobin is waving, which means Beomgyu has to acknowledge his brotherâs presence. He pastes a smile onto his face, making it as phony as possible. âGood afternoon,â he says with false cheerfulness, shooting his brother a look. âSoobin, I didnât know you would be back today.â
âWe only returned a few hours ago,â Soobin replies, smiling brightly at Beomgyuâs nonplussed expression. âMy wife and I wanted some fresh air after so long spent in the carriage, so we came out for a walk. And what good fortuneââ his gaze slides to you somewhat warilyâ âto see the two of you here.â
âIt is lovely to see you,â you say prettily, bobbing a little curtsy. âEspecially you, Lady Choi.â The two of you smile brightly at each other, and Beomgyu is once again privy to a side of you that has never appeared before him. âHow was the country?â
âMost refreshing, though I suppose it is good to be back in town,â Lady Choi answers for the two of them. Beomgyu fakes a gag at Soobinâs doe-eyed expression of bliss when he turns to his wife, which earns him a pinch from you. âMight I askâŠâ Her eyes turn curious as she gestures to the two of you. âWhen did this happen? Certainly we have not missed so much in just a few weeks.â
âYou did miss quite a bit, unfortunately,â you reply. Your face betrays no fear but Beomgyu feels your grip tighten on his arm. With his own heart beating a little faster than usual, he honestly welcomes it. âQuite a few things happen in the span of weeks.â
Lady Choi looks at you, nonplussed. âWith all due respect to you both, thisââ she waves a hand at the two of you againââis not something that could have happened in just a week or two.â
If only you knew.Â
Judging by the tightness of your arm in his, your thoughts are the same, but when you look up at him with a pleasant smile, Beomgyu is certain he would never be able to tell by looking at your face alone. âWell, you are correct. This didnât happen overnight.â You laugh so naturally, with just the right hint of shyness and embarrassment that one would expect from your enemies to courtship situation. âLast summer, we agreed that ourâŠongoing feud was too childish to continue. So we decided to finally put it behind us.â
âYes,â Beomgyu jumps in. As well as you are handling the situation, he canât exactly leave you to do everything alone. âWe began exchanging letters shortly after.â Thank God heâd gotten into the habit of writing regular correspondence with Kai and Taehyun over the past year, or else Soobin would smell a rat immediately. âAnd when the season cameâŠwell, we decided to see how a courtship would work between the two of us.â
âI see,â Soobin says slowly, looking between the two of you. âAnd how exactly is it working?â
You shrug with the perfect amount of levity. Again, Beomgyu is in unfortunate awe at how well you act. Maybe it is a good thing you canât hold yourself back when it comes to dislike or aggravationâotherwise, you would be unsettlingly perfect. âWell enough.â
âWell, it is good to see my good friend and brother in law finally getting along.â Lady Choi claps her hands together, smile bright, hopefully oblivious to Beomgyu privately wanting to gag. âWe shall have to have the two of you over sometime, shouldnât we, Soobin?â
âOf course we should,â Soobin agrees with a little too much enthusiasm. Beomgyuâs heart spasms unsteadily as his brother smiles at him cryptically. âI suppose our teasing last season about you finding your lady love in your own sworn enemy did have some level of truth to it?â
You look at him curiously, something mischievously dangerous glinting in your eyes. Beomgyu does not look back at you. âI suppose it did,â he replies through mildly gritted teeth.Â
âWell, we will not keep you any longer,â Lady Choi says with a smile that leaves Beomgyuâand you, if your expression is anything to go byâa little warier than before. âSoobin, letâs leave the young couple to their promenade. Us married folks canât relate to them, nowadays.â Ignoring your sputters of âyou are hardly three years older than me!â, she tucks her arm merrily into Soobinâs and leads him away, though Soobin sends Beomgyu one last meaningful glance before he allows himself to be dragged off.Â
You and Beomgyu travel on sedately for a few steps before Beomgyu casts a glance backward and says, âWeâre safe.â
Immediately you let out a massive sigh, and your grip on his arm loosens significantly. Christ, he hadnât realized you were holding onto him so tightly until you let go. âThat was not in my hand of cards for today,â you mutter. âThough perhaps it is better we got that out of the way sooner rather than later.â You look at him. âDo you think they believed us?â
âIf they donât, it will have not been any fault of yours,â he answers frankly. Heâs loath to admit it, but itâs true. âYou acted very well.â
Your mouth opens in surprise. âWell, thank you,â you reply slowly, like youâre not quite sure what to make of his words. Beomgyu privately feels the same way, but he also feels the need to give credit where credit is due, so he shoves the strangeness of the feeling away to process later. Maybe never. âI could say the same for you.â
âThank you,â he says, still feeling slightly off-kilter for whatever reason. Itâs probably just the conversation with Soobin. Then he groans. âDid she say theyâd invite us to dinner?â
You sigh. âUnfortunately, I think she did.â You mutter something under your breath in addition that Beomgyu doesnât really hear. He catches something that sounds like evil friends, though, and decides that he probably agrees with your sentiment. âAnyway, what did Lord Choi say about last season? Something about teasing you about your worst enemy?â You narrow your eyes, evil amusement glinting in your eyes. âI am assuming he spoke of me.â
âOh, that.â Beomgyu silently curses his brother for being the annoyance that he is. âIf you must know, my friends decided to take our disagreements out of context and thought that because I had never paid more attention to a woman in my life, I must actually be in love with you, otherwise Iâd never have held on to this grudge for as long as I have.â
For a moment, you remain silent. Then you burst into hysterical laughter.Â
Beomgyu watches, bemused, as you hide behind your fan, still trembling with giggles as he continues to lead you forward. âI didnât think it was that funny,â he mutters when you eventually start to calm down.
âOh, but it is hilarious.â You wipe a tear from your eye, the last few rounds of laughter still shaking your chest. âYou, being in love with me because we disagree so often? Tell me, are your friends quite all right in the head? Perhaps I should ask Lady Choi to get her husband checked.âÂ
âWell, I would agree with you on that front.â Beomgyu gives in to your amusement and cracks a smile. âBut in their defense, I am almost certain they were joking.â
âAlmost certain.â You snort, looking up at him with a sardonic half-smile that looks so much more natural than the pretty, placid expression you had on earlier. âWell, good thing their delusion isnât true, because that would be simply absurd.â
Despite himself, Beomgyu returns your conspiratorial smile. How ironic it is that he feels much closer to you in this moment, sharing this secret and laughing at his friends, than any other time before. âYouâre right,â he agrees, snickering. âIt would be absolutely absurd.â
. . . . .
Dry the linens, scrub pots, clean the kitchenâŠÂ You hurry down the corridors of your home, listing your tasks over and over so you wonât forget. Last time you missed something, your stepmother slapped you hard across the face. Sheâs been doing that more often latelyâfrustrated at your lack of marriage prospects, you think, even though youâd think that having to heal from her bruising you black and blue would only hurt your chances even more. Itâs a small miracle that the scratch mark from her ring healed enough for you to hide before the next ball you were set to attend.Â
âHere, let me help with that, Miss L/N.â A familiar voice sounds by your ear, and then your load lightens as a pair of hands takes half the linens out of your tub. âDrying, right?â
You shoot Soyoung a very grateful smile. âYes. And how many times have I told you to call me by my name?â you scold. âItâs awfully stuffy to hear you call me thatâwe can be casual together.â
âEven though your stepmother may not treat you like it, you are still a lady of the house,â Soyoung retorts. The two of you exit the house into the fresh air of the garden. âI will not disrespect you or myself by behaving otherwise.â
âCome now, Soyoung,â you beseech as the two of you pull one of the linens out of the tubs. Each holding one end, you begin twisting to get as much of the water out as possible. âYou must admit that itâs a bit awkward for me to call you by your name when you wonât do the same for me.â Which is true, and which is why youâve brought the topic up time and time again even though Soyoungâand the other servantsââresponse is always the same.Â
Youâve managed to squeeze most of the water out of the sheet by now, so you toss it over one of the drying lines hanging outside. Soyoung helps you pull it flat on both sides until it hangs properly, then looks at you with more solemnity than youâve ever seen on her face. âMy lady, I and the staff respect you,â she says seriously. âNot because we are required to, like with your stepmother, but because you have always been good and kind to us even before she started ordering you around like one of us. Thus, I must show you the respect we would give the lady of the house.â She huffs. âYou shouldnât even have to do any of this, yet you handle everything without complaint on top of all your own embroidery and mendingââ
You clap a hand over her mouth. Then you wince, because your hands are still wet. âShh,â you hiss, searching the garden. No sign of your stepmother, but that doesnât mean she isnât near. âNot too loudly.â
Soyoung gulps when you release her. âOf course. I apologize.â
âItâs all right.â You smile. âAnd I must apologize for pushing you so hard on the matter of my name. If you truly feel this way, I shall not try to move you any further.â
She smiles back, and the two of you begin on another one of the sheets. âThank you, my lady.â
Water drips on the grass, dotting the hem of your dress and seeping into the cracks on your hands. You keep a smile on your face as Soyoung chatters on about some gossip she heard from other servants in town, but inside you canât help but feel a little more alone. It is true you have friends, both in the noble sphere and among your fellow servants, but with your in-between status as half a lady, half a servant, you canât help but wonder where you stand. Your noble friends do not know of your home situation. Your servant friends do, but while they laugh and joke around you more easily than most, there is still a status difference.
You sigh. If it wouldnât bring the worst of your familyâs financial troubles to light, you might tell Lady Choi. But being worked as a servant would bring even worse ridicule to yourself than your lack of a dowryânot to mention there's not a single man in the ton who would deign to marry a servant, even half a servant like you. If you want to leave this house, you need to marry, so no one can know your situation...but it doesnât mean you donât feel alone.Â
âOh!â Soyoungâs exclamation jolts you out of your brief wallow in self-pity. âI heard something about you, my lady.â Suddenly her face is in front of yours, her dark eyes wide with curiosity and mischief. âIs it true that Mr. Choi is courting you?â
âWhatââ You choke on air and start coughing.
âMy lady?â Soyoung pats your back, but sheâs far too gentle for it to actually do anything. âAre you all right?â
âQuite,â you manage, holding out a hand. You wheeze out a few more coughs before you can finally look at her. âWhat did you ask me, again?â
She looks at you with wide, eager eyes. âIs it true that Mr. Choi is courting you?â
Good God. Well, you should have expected it. If the nobles are talking about it, the servants most definitely are. They hear far more than anyone ever expectsâmany times youâve learned things about society that you never wanted to know from Soyoung and the others. You sigh. âItâs not quite true,â you hedge. Not the truth, but not a lie either. âWe patched our relationship, somewhat. And so we decided to see what would come of a courtship. Do not misunderstand things,â you warn when Soyoungâs smile grows too bright. âI donât know what will come of it. Neither of us does.â
Soyoungâs shoulders slump. âOh. I see.â She looks up at you. âForgive me, my lady. I was onlyâŠI was so happy when I heard he might have an interest in you. I know you have had your disagreements in the past, but whenever I have seen him he has always been a kind man. I thought the two of you could be quite happy together.â
Damn. Now you feel like youâve kicked a puppy. Even though Soyoungâs interpretation of the situation is almost laughableâhow could you and Mr. Choi be happy together? Even now you still have to keep yourself from hissing obscenities at him every time you see himâbut sheâs still your friend and only wants your happiness. âI mean, we donât know how things will proceed,â you say, hanging up the second sheet. âAnything could happen.â A gust of wind blows the still damp cloth onto your face. âUghââ
âMiss L/N!â
You flail around for a moment before you manage to tug the wet sheet off your face. âHuh? Brighton?â
Your family butler always looks put together, but for the first time ever, you detect a hint of panic in his eyes. âMy lady,â he says. âMr. Choi has come to call on you.â
. . .
You never thought you could get cleaned and dressed so quickly.Â
In all honesty, youâre not sure what happened over the past twenty minutes. It was a whirlwind of activityâSoyoung nearly choked, Brighton said something about telling Mr. Choi you were out, and then Soyoung was dragging you back into the house via the kitchen all the while hissing something like you said he wasnât really courting you! Then somehow you were smuggled to your room and Soyoung had pulled out a dress and Sabine popped out of nowhere to pick out your accessories and then you were being dragged out of the house again through the servantsâ quarters to make it look like you just arrived back from townâ
And now you are in your own drawing room, still processing the events of the past half hour with Mr. Choi standing in front of you, flowers in hand.Â
âMiss L/N,â he says, bowing slightly as he extends the flowers to you. âA pleasure to see you today.â
You take the bouquet with numb fingers. âAnd a pleasure to see you as well.â Thankfully, the practiced words roll off your tongue easily even in your frazzled state. âThank you for the flowers. I hope I didnât leave you waiting too long.â
âNot long at all,â he replies smoothly. âI understand you were in town?â
âOh, yes. I was trying to find someâŠâ You rack your mind for something to say that might be believable, painfully aware of the growing silence. âGloves,â you finally blurt out, looking down at the thin cloth covering your hands. You just mended them yesterday, and thank God for that. âPlease, do sit down,â you say, wincing internally at Mr. Choiâs lingering glance on your hands, and the slightly raised eyebrow he shows you as he sits on the couch. âIâm not quite sure where my stepmother is, but Brighton should serve as an adequate chaperone untilââ
âY/N.â Your stepmotherâs voice rings sharply from the corridor and in your surprise, you flinch. Mr. Choi looks at you sharply, a strange expression on his faceâconcern? Strange indeed, coming from himâbut youâve already schooled your features into what you hope is a bland, pleasant façade. Her footsteps echo ominously on the floor as her voice grows louder. âWhy do I hear you in the drawing room? I thought I told you toââ
âMy lady.â Brighton cuts in, saving you from a near panic attack. âA Mr. Choi has come to call.â
âA caller?â Her voice suddenly switches from its previous cold tones to the much silkier, smoother voice she uses in society. You look down to see your hands clutching your gown far too tightly and force yourself to release them. The footsteps get faster. âFor my Y/N?â
My Y/N. You barely manage not to gag. Though apparently you donât quite hide it well enough, because Mr. Choi looks at you even more closely. âMiss L/N,â he murmurs, and you can see that there is real concern in his eyes. âAre you all right?â
Fortunatelyâor unfortunately, reallyâyouâre saved from having to give him a coherent response when your mother sweeps into the room. Youâve always marveled at how she is able to keep her snooty, evil countenance at bay whenever she is in the presence of company. Youâre no blood relation of hers, but the sickening thought occurs to you that you may have learned a thing or two about switching faces from her. âMr. Choi,â she says warmly, like she didnât yell at you for hours earlier this morning about not having the drawing room dusted quickly enough. âI apologize for not being here to welcome you in.â
The two of you stand. âDo not worry at all, my lady.â Mr. Choi bows slightly, the smile returned to his face. âYour daughter did the job admirably.â
âOf course she did.â She spares you the briefest of glancesâgood, because you wouldnât be able to continue smiling if she decided to look right at youâand gestures for you to sit down again. âPlease, do not stand on my account. I will have someone bring in biscuits. Y/N, how could you have forgotten to give our guest some refreshment?â And with that parting jab, she whisks out of the room, leaving you feeling murderous and somewhat lightheaded all at once.Â
Mr. Choi looks after her a moment, then turns to you. âYour stepmother,â he says, looking vaguely bemused. He clearly doesnât know what to say. If you werenât still struggling to breathe normally, youâd laugh at him.Â
Unfortunately, your conversational skills seem to have been swept away by your stepmotherâs arrival, so all you can do is echo his words. âYes,â you say. âMy stepmother.â
You lapse into awkward silence that you donât know how to break. Even yelling would be better than this dead quiet, but you donât know how to break it. Eventually Beomgyu clears his throat. âMiss L/N, are you sure this is a good time?â he asks quietly. âI can call another day if it would suit you better.â
You glance at the clock. It has hardly been five minutes since you entered the room, and for all you dislike him, you feel bad turning him away this early, especially after he waited for so long. Also, your stepmother might yell at you for chasing away yet another suitor who might take you off her hands. But keeping him longer means less time that you have for finishing your chores, not to mention that youâre starting to get a headacheâŠ
Well, if your stepmother is displeased with you, sheâll end up giving you more chores and maybe a slap to boot. You can stomach Mr. Choi for a short while longer. Besides, it will at least keep up your pretense of courtship. Aware of all the servantsâ eyes in the room, and aware that they truly believe you and Mr. Choi to be courting, you manage to paste a small smile on your lips. âNo, donât leave so soon.â You force the smile a little wider. âMy stepmother has already gone to find you some refreshmentâyou must not leave without having tried them first.â You lean closer, lowering your voice as though to tell him a secret. âOur cookâs butter biscuits are the best.âÂ
Mr. Choi scrutinizes you for a long moment, during which you try your best to decipher what his expression means to no avail. âVery well,â he says finally with a soft smile to mirror your own and even though you know he dislikes you, in this moment, he seems very genuine. For some idiotic reason this threatens to bring tears to your eyes but you manage to push them back. âFor the butter biscuits, I will stay.â
You manage to make some small talk until thereâs a commotion in the hall. Your stepmother appears in the doorway, looking harried and vaguely annoyed, and you see the reason when your little sister blinks her mischievous eyes behind her mother. âDelia, no,â she hisses, as a servant maneuvers a tray of biscuits around the two of them. âIt is not proper!â
âBut I want to see Y/N and her suitor!â Delia cries. Despite the situation, you smile. âYou said I could be there when I was older, itâs not fairââ
âPlease donât have her leave on my account,â Mr. Choi interrupts. You look at him in surprise, but heâs already smiling warmly at your younger sister. âDelia, is it?â he asks, holding out his hands.Â
For all her previous bravado, Delia shuffles forward somewhat shyly, shrinking away slightly when Mr. Choi takes her little hands. âHello,â she mumbles.Â
You pat her head gently. âMr. Choi, please meet my younger sister, Delia.â You smile at her. âIntroduce yourself, Delia.â
Not for the first time, you have to hide how adorable you find your little sister as she looks up at Mr. Choi with her big, soft eyes. âMy name is Delia,â she whispers.Â
âA pleasure to meet you. That is a lovely name,â Mr. Choi says, and he sounds perfectly sincere. For a moment you hold as still as you can just to take in the picture of his soft smile directed right at your sister, his large hands holding her small ones, her wide eyes blinking trustingly into his. Itâs a strange portrait, but a surprisingly lovely one. âHow old are you, Delia?â
âTen,â she whispers.Â
âAlmost eleven,â you add. âHer birthday will be in a few months.â
âA very good age to be.â Mr. Choi nods approvingly.Â
Delia blinks, her face solemn. âAre you going to marry my sister?â she asks.Â
You choke. So does Mr. Choi. Someone hands the two of you some water and your stepmother steps in, her lips pinched in disapproval as she makes apologies and tries to take Delia away, but Mr. Choi waves her off. âWell, nothing is set in stone yet,â he says conversationally, though you still detect some redness in his cheeks. âBut if all goes well, it is possible.â
Your sister nods solemnly. âI see.â
âI apologize, Mr. Choi, but this really isnât proper.â Your stepmother takes Delia by the hand and tugs her away. âDelia, come back to the nursery. You can play with your brother there.â
You have to stifle a laugh when Delia starts complaining that Henry is annoying, that heâs boring and only ever wants to play with his toy soldiers, and when you look to Mr. Choi, he seems to be having trouble suppressing his smile, too. âSheâs adorable,â he says when theyâve left the room.Â
âVery much so,â you agree. One of the few bright spots about your stepmother marrying your father. âYouâre very good with children.â
âIt depends on the child,â he says, and you almost snort. He gives you a half smile that doesnât even look forced. âI jest. They are very interesting creatures, and see the world so differently from us jaded elders. They are very adorable, and I like them very much.â
This time, you canât hold back your laugh. Itâs a strange feeling, holding polite, natural conversation with Mr. Choi without it devolving into some argument, but you canât say you donât find it pleasant. You know that if he provoked you at this moment, youâd still rise to the bait in a second, but right now you canât help but let your feelings toward him soften ever so slightly. âI do agree with you,â you say, smiling.Â
He looks at the clock, then, and turns back to you, looking vaguely put out. âI apologize, but I must go now,â he says, standing up. You follow suit. âI have an appointment with my familyâs solicitor. But it was very good to see you, Miss L/N, and to meet your family.â He glances at the biscuits and smiles. âThe butter biscuits were wonderful as well.â
You make your goodbyes, and then your stepmother comes in just in time to catch Mr. Choi before heâs fully out the door so she fusses over him some more. When he leaves, you try to sneak out of the room before she can start questioning you, but to no avail. âY/N.â
You sigh, then turn around. âYes?â
âMr. Choi?â she states. Her eyes are narrow, flinty, sharp. âI was under the impression you disliked him.â
You hold yourself as still as possible. âThings change, Stepmother.â
For a long moment, you hold her gaze, saying nothing. She finally breaks the silence with a sharp tch. âWell, as long as he takes you off my hands, I donât care what your relations with him are,â she says. âTake care not to sour them.â She sneers at you. âNow get back to your chores. You should be finished before our supper with the Haynesworths.â
Supper with the Haynesworths. As if the day could get any worse. You grit your teeth and nod, giving her a brief curtsy. If murder were legal⊠âOf course, Stepmother.â
. . . . .
If murder were legal, Beomgyu isnât certain his brother would still be the heir. In his defense, Soobin would deserve itâno one so evil as to force his poor younger brother to attend the annual Smythe-Smith musicale with him is suited for the family title.Â
Unfortunately, murder isnât legal, and honestly, Soobinâs own attendance at the dreaded musicale might be punishment enough for his crimes against Beomgyu. Why people still show up, Beomgyu has no ideaâhe suspects it has something to do with politenessâbut one has to wonder how the Smythe-Smith family has gone generations without hearing a single comment about how truly little talent their daughters have. If the Smythe-Smiths werenât so influential and kind, surely someone would have said something already.Â
They are justâterrible. Beomgyu himself is no musician but he can at least carry a tune. The Smythe-Smith girls donât seem to even know what a tune is. According to Taehyun, who by unfortunate chance happened to be in town last year when the musicale took place, no one should be able to play a string instrument like that, all screechy and squeaky and off-tune. And yet, apparently, the tradition of Smythe-Smith daughters performing an annual quartet has continued for several generations.Â
They actually think that they are good.Â
All of which is to say that because Yeonjun has oh-so-regretfully cited baby related concerns as his reason not to attend this year, Soobin is forcing Beomgyu to go. And when Beomgyu pointed out that Taehyun was also attending, Taehyun immediately stated that because Kai wasnât going to be there, Beomgyu would have to take his place. To share in the misery, or something like that.Â
(Beomgyu feels very bad for Taehyunâs wife. Sheâs never been to one of the musicales before and keeps asking how bad it really could be. Unfortunately for her ears, she is a world-renowned pianist, and Beomgyu isnât certain she will come out of the musicale alive.)
Which is why on this fine evening, Beomgyu finds himself being dragged kicking and screaming to the Smythe-Smithâs grand London home. Soobin is extremely adamant in his philosophy of âif I have to suffer, so do you,â and his wife just likes to see the world burnâBeomgyuâs world, specifically. âIâm going to get you both back for this,â he mutters under his breath as they join the crowd thronging into the Smythe-Smithâs home.Â
âDid you say something, Beomgyu?â his sister in law asks sweetly, glancing back at him with a sickly smile.Â
Beomgyu returns the smile with equal sincerity. âNothing at all, sister.â
They enter the reception room, where they find Taehyun and his wife standing morosely in a corner. ââcanât be that bad,â Beomgyu hears as they approach. âNot if theyâve been holding performances for generations.â
âOh, they are that bad. Possibly worse,â Soobin mutters.Â
Lady Kang still looks unconvinced. Bless her musician heart.
âThe musicale hasnât started yet,â Beomgyu says hopefully. âThere is still time to fake a horrific headache or the plague and make it back home safely.â
âAnd exactly how would the five of us manage to get away with that?â Taehyun says, raising an eyebrow. He tosses back the rest of his drink like his life depends on it, which it very well might. âNo,â he declares with grim certainty. âIf one of us has to be here, all of us have to be.â
Beomgyu groans, but deep inside he knows it really is too late to run anyway, so he just picks up a drink and prays that it will get him through what is to come. Lady Choi leads Lady Kang off to a group of their friends, so Beomgyu makes idle chatter with Taehyun and his brother until a familiar face catches his eye.Â
Your expression is so blank when you meet his gaze that Beomgyu almost laughs. Heâs never seen a person more resigned to their fate than you in this moment, plodding along just behind your stepmother with about as much will to live as Beomgyu feels right now. Even without asking, he knows youâve been to one of the musicales before, and he knows youâve been dragged along this time too.Â
âIs that Miss L/N?â Soobin asks, squinting. âPoor woman.â
Poor woman, indeed. For all the ill will between the two of you, Beomgyu wouldnât wish the Smythe-Smith musicale on anyone, not even you.Â
By now youâve caught Beomgyuâs eye as well. A tiny smirk lifts the corners of your mouth, and without hesitation, you begin wading your way through the mess of people over towards his little group. âLord Choi, Mr. Choi. Lord Kang.â You make a short, pretty curtsy. âAllow me to convey my deepest apologies for seeing you here this evening. Not because I donât particularly wish to see any of you, but because if you are here, you might be carted out on a hospital wagon within the next hour or so.â
Beomgyu chokes into his drink. Next to him, Taehyun looks to be biting back some sort of chuckle, and Soobin just laughs. âA pleasure to see you too, Miss L/N,â he says, smiling warmly. âI take it youâve been to one of these before.â
âTwo years ago.â You shudder, and it doesnât even look exaggerated. âI am no accomplished musician, but I am almost certain the piano is not meant to be played the way I saw.â Your expression turns mischievous. âIâm afraid I found myself ill the next year.â
âNot ill this year, then?â Beomgyu asks.Â
You look at him, and to Beomgyuâs surprise, a moment of genuine amusement passes between you two. âMy illness was unfortunately not believed.â
Soobin bursts into laughter. âMiss L/N, Iâm so glad you are on better terms with my brother now,â he snickers, hopefully not seeing the sidelong glance you and Beomgyu share. âYour wit was always the best part of our gatherings when we were younger.â
You shoot Beomgyu a triumphant glance that makes him want to grind his teeth. âI am honored to hear that you hold me in such high regard,â you say sweetly, so sweetly Beomgyu thinks heâs going to have a headache. Heâd certainly fake it and leave if he wasnât supposed to be courting you. Unfortunately, though, the crowd is starting to shift towards the hall, so even if he tried to escape Soobin or Taehyun would definitely catch him. âIt looks like the music is starting soon,â Beomgyu says, hoping you catch the hint.
Fortunately, you do. âI will leave you for the musicale, then,â you say, searching the crowd for someone. âI must find my stepmother.âÂ
Unfortunately, Soobin does not catch any hints whatsoever, so he interrupts. âSit with us,â he invites, oblivious to Beomgyu screaming at him with his mind. âYou can bring your stepmother, Iâm sure no one would mind.â
If Beomgyu hadnât been looking at you, he would have missed the slight shadow that passes over your eyes, the miniscule wince that pinches the corner of your mouth at the mention of your stepmother. Your features turn pleasant so fast that he almost wonders if he was imagining things, but even as you agree and go to wave your stepmother over, a feeling of unease settles at the back of his mind. You look the same, act the same even as you follow your stepmother into the hall, but only when you settle into seats next to each other does something finally twig for Beomgyu.
You sat together like this in your drawing room when he called on you last week. When you hurried in, having just come back from town on a search for gloves, when your stepmother walked in and you froze for a moment. Beomgyu looks at you sideways, sitting placidly on your chair, hands folded neatly in your lap. Is it just his imagination, or do your fingers look more clenched than usual?
And arenât those the same gloves you were wearing last week? In fact, the same gloves you almost always wear? He frowns. Last week you just said you went shopping for a new pairâdid you not buy any?
The sound of muted applause temporarily distracts him as the musicians step onto the stage. He dutifully joins in, but as the crowd begins to settle, Beomgyu allows his mind to wander back to you and your small miscellany of strange actions heâs seen this evening. It might be disrespectful not to listen to the musicâgood God, even their tuning sounds terribleâbut Beomgyu is already being respectful enough by showing up. The only other requirement for respect as far as heâs concerned is to just get through the program, and everyone knows the best way to get through a Smythe-Smith musicale is to focus on anything other than the music.Â
A cacophony of screeching starts sounding from the stage. Beomgyu peeks over at Lady Kang and almost cackles out loud. Horror, disgust, and regret war on her features while Taehyun looks quietly miserable next to her. On their other side, Soobin has already spaced out and is staring blankly into the distance, and Lady Choi seems to be fighting back tears.Â
Beomgyu looks sideways at you. You look even more resigned than before if that is even possible, your features arranged in an expression of silent pain and suffering. Your hands have changed position in your lap from their previous polite fold to clenched fists. Beomgyu agrees with that sentiment. But your clenched fingers remind him of the day he called, when your butler called your mother in and he looked down to see your hands balled in your gown, very similar to how they are now.Â
He glances at your stepmother. Her face always seems to be pinchedâpinched right now, pinched when she took Delia out of the drawing room, pinched even when she smiled to greet him that day. Heâs never really heard anything about herâshe married your father when Beomgyu was going off to boarding school, and anyway your families never really became close after it became abundantly clear that you and Beomgyu couldnât be in the same room without trying to fight. She doesnât walk in the same circles as he, and she doesnât appear much in Whistledown. Come to think of it, in your family, the only one who keeps managing to make a fuss in society is you.Â
All of this just means Beomgyu doesnât know much about your stepmother, and thus based off of prior information, he canât form much of an opinion on her. But thereâs something about her continual sour countenance that rubs him the wrong way. AndâŠ
The day he called, before she knew Beomgyu was in the drawing room, your stepmother called for you. Instead of the screeching music piercing his ears from onstage, he hears her cold voice asking why you were in the drawing room, why you werenât doing whatever it is she wanted you to do before the butler interrupted. As soon as he announced Beomgyuâs presence, her tone changed.Â
Right. He remembers the sudden shift jarring him, then seeing your expression grow strange in a way he couldnât describeâsomething like discomfort, but worse.Â
Beomgyu glances over at you again. Well, you look uncomfortable now, but that could very well be because of the tragedy occurring onstage. He himself has half a mind to explode his eardrums right here and now.
No matter. Beomgyu thinks back to the other day. He asked if you were all right, and you saidâŠwell, you said nothing. Your stepmother interrupted with her welcome. And then there was the headache of having to hold small talk with you, then the flurry of meeting your absolutely adorable younger sister before he actually had to leave, and between all the legal discussion that followed at the solicitorâs and the drinks at Mondrichâs after, he didnât think much of the day after that.Â
Well, heâs thinking about it now. And now that he has actually applied his brain to your situation, Beomgyu finds himself coming to the conclusion that you donât get along with your stepmother. At all. And not in the usual way that children fight with their parents every so oftenâthis dislike seems to be deeply rooted somewhere else.Â
Maybe that isnât so surprising, given that your stepmother is not your birth mother. Beomgyu can understand how that might start conflict in a family. But he looks at your clenched hands and remembers how your fingers balled into your gown in something likeâŠanxiety. Maybe even fear.Â
Do you fear your stepmother?
No. That must be going too far. Beomgyu shakes his head slightly. How could you, a veritable spitfire, be frightened of anyone? Besides, all of this is based just off of speculation from one day. While heâs fairly certain you and your stepmother are not on good terms, to assume anything else would be pure conjecture, and he isnât ready to go that far.Â
Applause breaks out throughout the hall and Beomgyu nearly jumps. He hadnât realized the program was over, but heâs so grateful that he joins in on the clapping with enthusiastic verve. As everyone begins filing out back into the previous reception room, he hears Lady Kang tell her husband they need to go home immediately. Smart woman. It would have been smarter to not have come at all, though.Â
Next to him, you heave out an audible sigh of relief. âOh my God,â you mutter. âIt was so much worse than I remembered.â
âIt always is,â Beomgyu mumbles back. âOh, lookârefreshments.â He jerks his head to a table laden with drinks and small trays. âShall we?â
You glance back at your stepmother, and maybe it is just his imagination, but you seem slightly more relieved when you realize the refreshments table will be taking you far away from her. âThat would be lovely.â
The two of you make your way through the crowd in time for Beomgyu to snag two of the last glasses of lemonade from the table. He hands one to you, then raises his. âTo our everlasting health,â he says, âand the preservation of our eardrums.â
You laugh out loud. Itâs a lovely, bright sound that almost takes Beomgyu aback for a momentâsurely he could not have made something so genuinely happy leave your lips like this. But you only raise your glass with an accompanying smile, and Beomgyu canât help but smile back when you echo his sentiments, then take a sip of your drink. âI will be honest, I found myself praying my eardrums would explode halfway through,â you admit under your breath.Â
âMe too,â Beomgyu agrees. âI thought the performance would never end.â He snickers, a memory returning to him. âDid you see Lady Kangâs face?â
You laugh again, bright and genuine. âIt was one of the first things I looked for,â you say, mischief entering your eyes. âAnd it was absolutely priceless.â
And thatâs it. Thatâs how easy it is, apparently, to hold a conversation with you that isnât full of barbs and taunts and teeth gritted between every retort. Beomgyu doesnât know if you find this as strange as he does, but for all its strangeness, he likes it more than he probably should. So he says nothing of it, and neither do you, and as your glasses are slowly emptied, the only barbs you share are those Beomgyu would say are ofâŠfriends.Â
Friends. He never thought heâd use that word in conjunction with you. But right here, with lemonade in hand and the screeching strains of a violin fading in his ears, it doesnât seem so out of place.Â
Too soon, you finish off your glasses. Beomgyu turns to the refilled table to pick up two more, but before he can extend another one to you, someone elseâs hand appears in front of you.Â
Beomgyu blinks. You blink. Both of you turn to meet eyes with Lord Kim, and a few other gentlemen standing behind him.Â
âMr. Choi. Miss L/N.â Lord Kim gives Beomgyu a brief nod before turning back to you. âMight I offer you a glass of lemonade?âÂ
You look at Lord Kim and his group, then at Beomgyu. Slowly, you reach out to take the glass from Lord Kimâs hand. âThank you, my lord,â you say quietly.Â
Beomgyu watches the exchange, feeling oddly detached from the scene. His brain is doing something strange in his head. Why is it that he resents Lord Kim for interrupting the two of you, and why is it that he seems to want to continue his conversation with you?
âMight I take the opportunity to speak with you, Miss L/N?â Lord Kim asks. âI donât believe we have had the pleasure of being formally introduced, and Iâd like to take the chance to do so.â He gives Beomgyu a little smile that seems to lack any fondness whatsoever. âIt seems Mr. Choi has been keeping a rare jewel hidden from the rest of the ton.â
Inwardly, Beomgyu bristles. He never kept you hidden, and anyway, if Lord Kim thought you were such a jewel, why didnât he pursue you during either of your previous seasons? Instead, though, he forces himself to smile back. After all, this is what he is here for. To help you find a husband. Youâve already done your part of driving away determined mamas and delusional admirers. Itâs time for him to uphold his part of the bargain, and this is the first time a man has showed such direct interest in you. He has no right to refuse you the opportunity. âCould you blame me for wanting to keep such a gem to my own self?â he retorts with an easy grace honed only by years spent in society. âBut should you like to speak with Miss L/N, I will not refuse you the chance to be in her presence.â
You give him a little smile before you leave, something like gratitude glinting softly in your eyes as you let Lord Kim lead you away. Beomgyu tells himself heâs happy, that he has you out of his hair and out of his realm of responsibility, that he no longer has to feign pleasantry he doesnât actually feel around you. He canât quite explain away the bitter feeling on his tongue as you leave, though.
Reblogs and comments are deeply appreciated! Hope you enjoyed this, and have a lovely day :)
pairing:Â Beomgyu x fem!reader
genre:Â Â fluff, angst, enemies to lovers, regency era!au, nobility!au
warnings:Â attempted assault, abuse, cursing, period typical misogyny
word count:Â 11.2k
notes:Â
â updates every M/W/F at 8pm EST until the series finishes
â assault/abuse scenes are not graphic, but please heed the warnings and let me know if any of it is romanticized or just written in poor taste--I assure you I did not mean it, and I will fix anything needed.
â inspiration taken from an amalgamation of different bridgerton stories - let me know what easter eggs you find!
â story takes place in the same universe as my duke!yeonjun and earl!taehyun fics - check out the link to the series below for some more easter eggs :)
In a society where it only takes a year for a young woman in search of a husband to be considered out of season, it is no wonder that by your third year out, you are desperate to marry. Known as one of the beauties of the ton, such a task should not be difficult for youâbut with an absent father, no dowry, and a reputation centered around your inability to keep your mouth shut around one certain Beomgyu Choi, your prospects are more limited than youâd like. While you cannot recover your family or your wealth, however, the one thing you can try to control is your reputation. So when the third season rolls around, you resolve to keep your distance from Beomgyu Choi, your childhood enemy, and the man you hate most in the world.
Enter Beomgyu Choi, second son of the Kensington Viscountcy, one of the most eligible bachelors in the ton. His older brother, cousin, and good friend have all recently married, leaving the mamas to salivate at his doorstep for the chance of marrying one of their daughters to him. When Beomgyu walks in on a particularly traumatizing moment between you and one of the most unsavory men in the ton and learns of your desperation to marry, despite your history of enmity, he proposes you a devious dealâto pretend to court you. It seems like a winning situation for both of youâmore gentlemen will take notice of you, enhancing your prospects, and he will have the tonâs mamas off his backâand so, despite your misgivings, you agree.
With you hell bent on marriage and Beomgyu completely indifferent to the concept, even independent of your hatred for each other, it seems unlikely that any sort of true affection will bloom. But as you begrudgingly put aside your differences to spend more and more time in one anotherâs company, and as you grow to know each other beyond your ill-conceived preconceptions from childhood, you begin to realize that perhaps you two have more in common than you had once thought. And as your faked acquaintanceship becomes more truth than fiction, a friendship beginning to bloom most unexpectedlyâ
Perhaps you no longer need to convince the ton of the veracity of your courtship, because anyone with eyes can see that it is true.Â
Part 6 >> Part 7 >> Part 8
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Beomgyu doesnât know how he got home. One moment heâs flying out of the ballroom, the next heâs bursting into his room, his entire body trembling. He doesnât know what time it is. He doesnât know when he left. He doesnât even know why he left.
Why did he leave?
Short images burst through his memory. Lord Choâs smirk. Your hand in his. The music of the waltz, your body pressed to his, warmth filling his chest with your body so close to hisâso much so that he couldnât help but look at your lips, perfect and kissable in the bright candlelight of the room. He remembers that initial jealousy at Lord Cho melting into something else as you spun in and out of his arms, something so light and heavy all at once, so warm and soft and expanding through his heart that as you curtsied and he bowed and he looked at you again, for a momentâ
He couldnât help but wonder if he was in love.Â
For one blissful, beautiful moment, he basked in that thought, that feeling. He saw you, your hand still connected to his as you came up from your curtsy, and it looked like you were shining. Sparkling. Glowing with some sort of ethereal light, your eyes brighter than the chandeliers, your smile incredibly warm, like someoneâs arms wrapped around him.
And then he panicked.Â
BecauseâBeomgyu doesnât know love. He doesnât know if heâs in love with you. And hell, if he is, he doesnât know if you love him back. And in that moment, as all of these thoughts began racing through his skull one after another nonstop, he couldnât think. He could barely breathe beyond the knowledge that he just danced a waltz with you without asking if you had permission in front of the entire ton, and he might be in love with you.
He ran, then. Fled, leaving you behind. And now heâs back at home, alone in his room as the hours slowly tick away, and he may not know if he loves you or if you love him but he does know that there is going to be a scandal and it will be all his fault. All of it. The next issue of Whistledown comes out in a day and Beomgyu just knows there will be a paragraph or more ascribed to this ball. She wonât mock you, not directly. That is not Lady Whistledownâs way. She will ask questions instead. Why you danced the waltz that night when you have never done so in three seasons and counting. Why he was the one you decided to dance with. Speculations over just how committed a suitor he is to have asked you to waltz, then abandoned you on the dance floor afterwardâ
Speculations on just how you wooed his attentions so, and on his apparent luckiness at having realized your possible seduction before it was too late for him.Â
Beomgyu feels nauseous just thinking about it. Because for all the veracity of many of her stories, that narrative is completely wrong. You never seduced himâobviously. You are not the kind of person to do that and never have beenâhe would never have accused you of such a thing even when he hated you. You never seduced him. You never even encouraged his attentions, really, beyond the stipulations you made as part of the deal. Of course after you were friends, perhaps your relationship was more genuine, but even after the kissâŠ
You never mentioned it again, even when he could tell very well that you were thinking of it.Â
No, itâs all his fault. He asked you to waltz without realizing the next dance was so scandalous. He continued to dance with you even when the music made it clear what he was doing. He kept you close, let you trust him as the dance began, but when he realizedâŠwhen he realized he might really love youâŠ
He disappeared. As good as left you at the altar, or worse.
Itâs almost laughable, how stupid he was. The only bit of luck he can salvage from this is that it was incredibly lucky you had permission from the hostess to participate in the dance, just as you said, or your reputation would have fallen even further than it is now, but what does it matter when this scandal will surely be all society talks of for the next months, or maybe even years? He still left you to deal with the aftermath of this scandal alone. And what for? Because he loved you?
The thought draws him up short. He loved you. Loves you.
He loves youâ
Itâs the same thought that sent him running off into the crowd. The idea that he might really care for you so deeply, to crave your presence so much, enough to dance a waltz with you without being a real suitorâeven now he can feel his heart rate spiking at the mere idea of it. But running away the first time got him nowhere.Â
God, his heart is beating way too quickly right now.Â
Beomgyu heaves a shaky breath and forces himself to think, to try and sort through the facts. He doesnât know if he loves you. But there are some things he does know. Like that he enjoys your presence. That he likes talking to you, bickering and bantering and verbal sparring. He appreciates your wit and intelligence, and he loves to see you smile. Were it not for your lack of dowry and your penchant for arguing with him in public, between your beauty and brains, he might even say youâd have rivaled Yeonjunâs wife for the title of diamond in your first season.Â
But beyond that, you are justâŠa good person. Kind, brave, devoted, and determined to make your own way. Beomgyu remembers the special soft smile you reserve specifically for Delia, the care with which you held the duchessâs child when you two met, and he remembers when he decided you couldnât be the hateful spitfire he always thought you wereâbecause no one who loves children so much as you do could be truly evil.Â
Was that when he started to fall in love with you?
Beomgyu pinches himself hard and tries not to think that again. He still doesnât even know if he loves you. He shouldnât be thinking such things, not when he still doesnât have the facts straight. Like the facts that you are wonderful, that you are sweet, that he really wants to kiss you againâŠ
That he really regrets leaving you alone on the dance floor, and curses his cowardice for not being able to face the realization then that he might truly love you.Â
No. It isnât just might. Might is a word for uncertainty and while his brain cries that he doesnât know, that he may never know, that word is sounding more and more like a cowardly out with every second that passes. Beomgyu swallows hard. He does love you. Loves every part of you, and wants to be with you every minute from now.Â
And heâs ruined that.Â
Beomgyu buries his face in his hands. Heâs an idiot. A damned fucking idiot. A stupid, lovestruck, panicked, destructive idiot who ruined everything because he couldnât face his damn feelings. He has to apologize but he canât face himself again, let alone face you. And who knows if you would even want to see him after what he did to you?
Heâs so trapped in his head that when a knock sounds at his door, he barely hears it. He almost dismisses it as a figment of his imaginationâand honestly, in his state, it isnât impossibleâbut then the knock comes again and his stomach drops.Â
Itâs Soobin.Â
Sure enough, his brother doesnât even wait for a response before opening the door. Faint candlelight glows from the lantern heâs holding, throwing far too much light into the room for Beomgyuâs liking. âYou donât look particularly well,â Soobin says, voice carefully neutral.
Beomgyuâs hackles rise almost immediately. âLeave,â he snaps.
âNo,â Soobin says simply, closing the door. âMy typically level-headed younger brother just ran away from the woman he was courting at a ball after dancing a waltz with her, and my wife might be after his blood.â Beomgyu stiffens as his brother sits down on the bed next to him. âUnfortunately, I know my brother quite well, and I know that he has always been a gentleman except when it comes to bothering me and the rest of our family, so I am willing to hear him out before I allow my wife to pull out his teeth one by one.â
To anyone else, Soobinâs threat might sound like a joke. Beomgyu knows otherwise, though. His sister in law is very protective of her friends, and Soobin is very willing to cave to his wifeâs reasonable demands. He doesnât blame either of them. He half wants to tear himself to pieces anyway.Â
âSo tell me.â Soobinâs voice takes on a softer note, a tone he only brings out around Beomgyu. He used to hate it when he was a childâhe always thought Soobin was trying to patronize him, trying to be condescending older brother during those moments Beomgyu messed up nearly irreparablyâbut now it drains all of the residual anger out of him, leaving him with no defense left. âWhat happened? I know it was not nothing.â
Beomgyu chews over his words in his head, slowly, slowly. Soobin waits for him in silence, giving him all the time to think.Â
âIt was a mistake.â
Soobin raises an eyebrow and Beomgyu immediately wants to slap himself. All that time to think and he still said the worst thing possible. âDancing with Miss L/N was a mistake?â Soobin asks, his mild tone dangerous.Â
âNo.â Beomgyu shakes his head wildly. âAt leastânot in that way. I should not have waltzed with her.â He swallows. âThat was my folly. But I never regretted dancing with her.â
âYou never regretted being with her.â
Beomgyu takes a deep breath. ââŠNo.â
âSo why did you run away so suddenly?â
He feels short of breath. Words arenât coming to him and neither is air, and is it just him or is the room spinning? âIââ he manages to get out, but then stops. He canât think. Surely heâll be able to when the room rights itself.Â
Soobin waits patiently as Beomgyu collects himself. When the room finally stops still, he swallows hard, looking at his lap. âI think I am in love with Miss L/N.â
For several long moments, Soobin says nothing, just looks at Beomgyu while he doesnât look back. Then he snorts. âCongratulations,â he says, deadpan. âYou are officially the last person to know.â
Beomgyu jerks his head up. âWhat?â
âNow I know why you found me so insufferable when I was mooning over my wife.â Soobin shakes his head in mock disgust, though a smile plays on his lips. âIt was at least as insufferable or more, watching you try to come to terms with your feelings over the past weeks. I honestly thought youâd have figured it out by now.â He sighs as Beomgyu just gapes. âIdiot.â
âBut Iâwhatââ The room is threatening to start spinning again. âHow did you know?â
Soobin looks at him, incredulous. âIt was so obvious, Beomgyu. A better question might be how didnât you know?â
Beomgyu opens his mouth. Then he remembers all of his thoughts from his breakdown just a few minutes ago, and he closes it. ââŠFair.â
âDespite this, I understand.â Soobin grins a little sheepishly. âDid I not drive you to no end of madness when I was in denial over my wife?â
Beomgyu wants to laugh, but a more embarrassing fact stares him straight in the face. âYes, but you didnât cause nearly as much destruction as I have right now.â
âTrue, and not true.â Soobin sighs. âI hurt my wife by thinking I knew what was best for her during her season. You warned me then, didnât you? That if I kept smothering her, then I would lose her. And I almost did.â He pauses. âBut I didnât.â
âButââ
âWhy did you run out today?â Soobin interrupts. âIt could not just be because you were in love with Miss L/N.â
âNot exactly.â Beomgyu stares at his lap. âI realized it then and I suppose IâŠchoked. Metaphorically.â He tries to smile, but it doesnât quite work. âI couldnât believe it. That I had fallen for her so quickly and so deeplyâwe were at each otherâs throats just months ago! I hated her, she vexed me and I know I vexed her at least as much, but then we made that dealââ
âWhat deal?â
Shit.Â
Soobin doesnât know that the courtship was fake.Â
Beomgyu swallows hard. âI wasnât really courting her,â he says quietly, carefully not looking at his brother. âBut at the beginning of the season, at Lady Parkâs ballâŠâ
Soobin sits silently as Beomgyu tries to explain the deal you two had made in as few words as he can. He feels Soobinâs gaze grow more and more judgmental with every word that falls from his lips but he forces himself on. This is his punishment. The tonâs gossip, your ire, and his brotherâs judgment. The holy trinity.
When he finishes, Soobin stays quiet a moment longer. âAnd in the process of all of this, you fell in love,â he finally says. His tone couldnât be dryer.Â
Beomgyu nods meekly.
Soobin sighs. âIf it helps, I think sheâs in love with you, too.â
Itâs Beomgyuâs turn to gape as Soobin smirks. âI will admit, you two had me fooled from the beginning. I believed your courtship. But if you had told me then that you were in love, I never would have believed that. I know what people in love look like. And perhaps it is just easier for one to see it on others more than on oneself, but I see it in you, and I see it in her.âÂ
âWell, fat lot of good that does me, since Iâve ruined everything that might have been.â Beomgyu swallows. âI justâI was waltzing with her, and everything started fitting into place but I was so scared of how much I loved her that I just...â
âYou ran away.â Soobin nods as Beomgyu sits there, miserable. âBut, BeomgyuâŠsuch a mistake is not the end of the world. Not yet.â
âButââ
âI am not saying that what you did wasnât wrong,â Soobin continues, cutting cleanly through whatever Beomgyu might have said. âIt was, and it was a mistake that you will have to rectify. But you can try to rectify it. You must.â He gazes at Beomgyu, and for all Beomgyu loves pretending he is on equal ground with his older brother, right now he feels the weight of several years of experience entering the air between them. Unlike other times, though, he now welcomes it. âYou must apologize, no matter what. It is up to her if she accepts it, and she may notâŠbut she also might.âÂ
For the first time since he ran out of the ballroom, Beomgyu feels a stirring of warmth in his chest, a prickle of hope. Yes. He must speak to you. He must apologize. He will hear whatever you have to say in response, and even if you say you never wish to see him againâŠhe will take it. He must. Because he will make his apology because it is the right thing to doânot just for the hope of forgiveness.Â
But maybe you will hear him out. And maybe, just maybe, you will accept it.Â
Maybe.Â
Heâs halfway to the door when Soobin says his name.Â
âBeomgyu?â
He turns around to see Soobin looking back, amused. âPerhaps not at this hour.â
Beomgyu flushes. ââŠRight.â
. . .Â
The next morning, Beomgyu shows up at your home at the proper calling hour. When the door opens, he takes a deep breath to announce himself, but the butler speaks before he can.Â
You wonât see him.Â
That, or your stepmother isnât allowing you to accept calls, which unfortunately would probably be the right thing to do in this situation. Beomgyu prays that it is the second reason and not simply that you refuse to allow him in, which he would completely understand, butâŠhe still needs to try.Â
He calls five days in a row, all to the same bland response that you are not taking calls. After almost a week of no luck his sister in law tries for him, and is rebuffed the same way. The ton must be talking up a storm at the fact that two members of the Choi residenceânot to mention one of them being the man who left you alone at the ballâhave tried to visit you over the course of just a week, but Beomgyu doesnât care. If you tell him never to return he will stop, but until he hears those words, he will keep coming day after day, no matter what he needs to do.Â
A week later, Beomgyu stands in front of your residence, ready to hear refusal once more. But when the door swings open, though your butler stands there with much the same pinched expression that heâs worn every time Beomgyu has seen him, the rejection doesnât immediately roll off his tongue. âYou donât let up, do you?â he asks instead.Â
Beomgyu blinks. It was clearly a rhetorical question, but he still feels tongue-tied even though the butler clearly expects no response. âWait here,â he says, gesturing to just inside the hall. When Beomgyu steps inside, the butler shuts the door with an ominous thud, and stalks off into the home.Â
Well, this isnât quite usual. In fact, this whole exchange has been rather rude. A butler should not speak to a man of Beomgyuâs title with such disdain, nor should he be kept waiting in the hallwayâat the very least, in any other home, he would have been shown to the drawing room. Beomgyu wonât complain, though. He gets the feeling that the staff here are very loyal to you, and as he was the one who hurt youâŠhe canât quite blame them for viewing him with hostility. And at any rate, this is much better than having the door shut in his face again.Â
Beomgyu waits in the hallway for what feels like hours, shifting from one foot to another in a manner most ungentlemanly, until footsteps sound in a nearby room. He stiffens and his heart, which had previously been deceptively calm, immediately begins to race. Holding his breath, Beomgyu watches the end of the hallway as a shadow finally comes rounding in.Â
You take several steps and stop a healthy distance away from him. Even across all that space, though, the chill emanating from your expression hits him like a gust of icy wind to the face. You arenât dressed to formally receive visitors, rather just wearing a plain day dress that has clearly seen some wear, and gloves cover your hands. The old ones you used to wear day in and day out. Not the ones he gifted you.Â
âMr. Choi,â you say, icy. âWhat are you doing here?â
He swallows hard. Your message is clear. He hadnât been feeling particularly confident about this before, but now all of his remaining bravado drains out of him and into the cold floor. âMiss L/N,â he says, keeping his voice as steady as he can. âIâŠIâm sorry. I wanted to apologize.â
For a moment, you remain silent. And then you laugh.Â
The sound chills Beomgyuâs blood. High and mocking, it completely eviscerates any and all hope he might have had of you deigning to hear him out. He can only watch, sick to the core, as you advance several steps toward him, your shoes clicking threateningly on the floor.Â
âWhat exactly, Mr. Choi, did you think an apology would do for me?â you ask. Your expression remains deceptively calm but venom pulses in your eyes. âWould it rescue my trust in you? Would it save my reputation?â Your face twists into a snarl and Beomgyu nearly takes a step back. âNo. It doesnât do a damn thing.âÂ
Shame roots him in place, but you donât notice or care as you stare at him, unflinching. âHow dare you!â you hiss, jabbing a finger at him. âHow dare you come into my home after you left me alone at that ball after having asked me to waltz? And donât you dare try to pin it on meâyou could have stopped dancing anytime. Even if you hadnât remembered it would be a waltz, you could have led me off the dance floor when the music began and I wouldnât have cared! But you kept dancing and so I trusted that you knew what this was, what it meantâand you broke that trust!â Youâre yelling now. Beomgyu feels like he might throw up. âI trusted you from the start, even though I hated you! I trusted you with this deal. I trusted you with the courtship. I trusted you even when you said to be wary of Lord Choâbut as it turns out, I should have been wary of you instead.â You laugh again, that terrible mocking sound curdling in his ears. âFor all I always hated you, I never once doubted your honor. I always thought you honorable.â You scoff, finally looking away, and thatâs what shames Beomgyu the most. You canât even look him in the face as you deliver this tirade, heâs hurt you so much. âBut perhaps you are only honorable when it is convenient for you.â
Anger flares in Beomgyuâs chest when you say that, but it quickly dies down when he realizes your words are truth. He has always taken pride in his honor. He had never done a thing to compromise another person. But now, when it mattered mostâŠhe compromised you. All because he couldnât handle his own feelings.Â
He feels so stupid. How could he even begin to apologize to you? He ruined everything for youâyour reputation, your prospects, your future. Youâre right. Absolutely right.Â
He has no place here, in front of you, attempting to fix something he shattered beyond salvaging.Â
âI am sorry,â Beomgyu says quietly, stepping back. âI amâso incredibly sorry. I should not be here.â He swallows hard. âI am not welcome, and I understand. I have hurt you beyond repair and I can never atone for this.â
You still wonât look at him. âGet out,â you say roughly. âGet out of my home.â You take a deep breath. âI do not wish to see you again.â
Beomgyu swallows. âAs you wish, my lady.âÂ
With that, he turns and walks out of the door. And as the carriage pulls away and the tears finally begin to roll down his face, Beomgyu resolves that you will never lay eyes on him again, even if it means he has to hide in public at every turn. He broke your deal. He broke your trust.Â
Itâs the least he can do, to not break this promise, too.Â
. . . . .
You really shouldnât be here.Â
It is true that you received an invite, but it is also true that you have been declining all of your recent invitesâor rather, your stepmother has been doing that for you. The hope is that in your absence, the gossip about you and Beomgyu will die down so that by the time you finally return to society, the whispers that come up wonât be much at all.Â
You have about as much faith in this plan as you do in the notion that your stepmother secretly loves you.
It was fine, though. You didnât have much desire to see anyone anyway. Your brief conversationâif it can even be called thatâwith Beomgyu left you drained and exhausted for far longer than you expected, and beyond that, you havenât the courage yet to face the tonâs whispers head on. You really, really didnât wish to risk the chance that you might see him in public either.
But then Lord Cho came to call on your mother, bearing this invite, and somehow he managed to convince her not only to let him in, but also to accompany you to the ball.Â
You have an idea of what he said. It might have to do with something like a question he wishes to ask you and a possible ring he plans to put on your finger. Unbelievable, reallyâwhy would he want to marry you, especially now? You have even less to offer than you did before. You canât fathom his reasoning at all. But it must be true, because in the carriage your stepmother looked at you and said, âDo not do anything this evening to spoil things for yourself.âÂ
There was enough loaded meaning in that statement for you to make your own inferences.Â
So here you are, now, walking as quietly as you can, avoiding everyoneâs gaze as you trail behind your stepmother towards the entrance of the Jung home. You wonder not for the first time why Lord Cho had to propose in such a public settingâcould he not just have spoken to you at home?âbut you cut the thought off as he materializes in front of you, that wide, charming smile broadening across his face. âMiss L/N,â he says, bowing as you curtsy. He kisses your hand gently. âI cannot express my delight to see you tonight.â
You let out a breathy laugh. Help. âIt is lovely to see you as well, Lord Cho. My stepmother was over the moon that you wished to accompany me tonight. It shall give her some time to meet with her own friends, for once.â
âOf course I would wish to accompany you.â He flashes you that easy grin, holding out his elbow. âAnyone who wouldnât is either lying, or has no eyes in their head.â
You smile as you take his arm, but it doesnât come as naturally as youâd like. As he leads you into the ballroom, chatting away cheerfully, you remind yourself that you should be grateful for him. You should be grateful that he still has you in his thoughts, that he continues to pursue you even after everything that had happened. He certainly knows about the scandalâone would truly have to be living under a rock to not knowâbut he seems to be the only one who has not let it affect his view of you. He still wants court you. He still wants to marry you.Â
You are grateful. You really are. Itâs justâŠ
Beomgyu.
The name pops into your mind, and you feel like you might throw up. Beomgyu. Your heart starts twisting itself into knots and you have to bite your lip hard to avoid showing anything on your face. You hate that youâre still thinking of him. He hurt you. He damaged your reputation possibly beyond repair. He certainly isnât suffering the consequences of your first and last waltzâat least not the consequences that you are.Â
You were the one who sent him away, so angry at the sight of his face that you barely allowed him to speak. You were the one who told him never to return. Yet even knowing that, walking into the ballroom on another manâs armâŠ
Your heart still aches for him, and only him.Â
Why him? Why now? You grit your teeth, trying to force away your thoughts. Youâd been doing so well with it, tooâyour chores had kept you busy enough not to think of him, and even tonight you wore your old cotton gloves instead of the silk pair he gifted youâbut here you are now, thinking of him even though he is nowhere to be seen.Â
Not that youâd even want to see him, you remind yourself. But deep down, you know thatâs a lie.Â
Despite everything, youâd still rather be on Beomgyuâs arm than Lord Choâs. Would rather have his proposal of marriage. Would rather be with him for the rest of your life, even if Lord Cho would take you far away from here and youâd never have to hear the tonâs gossip every again.
Damn it all. You never should have fallen in love.Â
âMiss L/N?â Lord Choâs voice jerks you out of your thoughts. You look at him and flinch to see his face so close to yours. âAre you all right?â
Too late, you realize heâs probably been talking to you for a while, and you definitely havenât been responding. âI am fine,â you say unconvincingly.Â
âDo not lie to me.â His voice sounds gentle, but you have to force yourself not to take a step back when he looks at you more closely. âWhat is on your mind, my lady?â
Is he daft? Suddenly, you feel extremely irritated that you have to say this out loud. âA lot has happened in the past few weeks, my lord,â you say quietly. âForgive me if I am not yet myself in public. I do not wish to sully your good name, either, by standing with you now.â
Lord Cho glances around and for the first time that night, he seems to take in the stares coming in your direction. You tense, waiting for him to pull away, but he only turns back to you with a soft smile. âI do not care much for my good name, whatever that means,â he says gently. âI care for you, Miss L/N. If you are not feeling well, then I would be glad to take you to a quieter room to recover. But I should like to stay by you, if you will let me.â He clasps your free hand. âI care little for the opinions of this ton. I do not claim to know you better than anybody, but I will say that I do not believe their gossip about you holds any merit at all. Not, at least, from what I have seen of you with my own two eyes.â
All of the irritation drains from you at once. You still feel exhausted and weary, but gratefulness fill up the little caverns in your chest that the stress of the last few weeks had carved out of your soul. âThank you,â you whisper.
âThere is nothing for which you must thank me,â he replies. âNow, should you like to retire somewhere else? I will not force you to remain in the ballroom any longer than you can stand.â
You smile at him, a little more easily than before. âWe might stay out for a little longer, Lord Cho. I should not wish you to miss out on anything simply for me.â
âThen let me know as soon as you would like to rest, and we will.â He squeezes your hand softly.Â
It makes you feel a little better than before. As you hold easy conversation with Lord Cho, taking slow turns around the ballroom, you find yourself relaxing somewhat. Beomgyu isnât here, but even if he was, you tell yourself that you wouldnât mind it so much. He always had some strange vendetta against Lord Cho, but look at him now, still standing by you even when the rest of the ton has turned its back. Beomgyu had no right to judge him so.Â
(The selfish part of you almost wants Beomgyu to see you like this, your arm in Lord Choâs, walking pleasantly about the room. What would he say then?)
You manage this for about an hour, but then Lord Cho invites you to dance. Despite all of your misgivings, you accept. But as you step onto the ballroom floor, you become increasingly aware of everyone staring right at you. You wish you were exaggerating. In fact, you try to put it down to your nerves at first. But every time Lord Cho spins you to face the audience, everyoneâs stare is riveted on the two of you, and your heart rate spikes.Â
By the end of the dance, your heart wonât calm down no matter how much you try to slow it, and you desperately need to be away from everyone. Away from everything.Â
You barely manage to babble some excuse to Lord Cho, who insists on accompanying you out of the ballroom to find a quieter space. Youâd really rather be alone but you donât have the energy to ask him to leave, so you acquiesce silently and allow him to lead you down the hall. Heâs staying here for the time being, you remember, since Mr. Jung is his friend, so he knows where to go.Â
He opens a door for you and you stumble in, grateful for the silence that follows you into the room. So grateful are you that you donât realize the room is empty until Lord Cho closes the door with a soft but decisive click.Â
You look around, still trying to rein your heartbeat in. Itâs a small room, decorated somewhat sparsely. You sit on a small, soft couch, and a table stands against the wall next to you with a few small ornaments displayed on top. A pair of unlit silver candlesticks stands tall among them, but light comes from the chandelier hanging from the ceiling.Â
That light illuminates Lord Choâs face as he steps toward you with purpose, something unreadable in his gaze. You blink, your head throbbing even as your heart finally begins to calm. âLord Cho?â you try to ask. âWhat are youââ
âMiss L/N.â He stops in front of you, and despite the softness of his expression, dread begins to pool in your stomach. âI had intended to find another moment, but now that we are in private, I wondered if you might honor me with your attentions.â He smiles slightly. âI think you know what I would like to ask.â
Oh God.
Heâs going to ask to marry you.
You stand up on instinct, at the same time taking a step back as surreptitiously as you can. âLord Cho,â you say, pressing a hand to your forehead. Youâre only half faking the headache. âIâm incredibly sorry, but Iâm not feeling well. Perhaps now is not the timeââ
âMiss L/N.â He reaches forward and takes your hands before you can react. âThis will not take but a moment of your thought.â
Your heart rate is rising again and beyond the headache youâre starting to feel sick. Why do you feel like this? You should be happy. Overjoyed, even. For the first time you will really be receiving a marriage proposal worth consideration, one that wonât leave you miserable for the rest of your life. But even knowing this, Beomgyuâs face still comes to the forefront of your mind, the feeling of his arms holding you so close as you kissed, the sensation of his lips pressed against yours like they belonged there. Like they were made for yours.Â
Your throat tightens. You have to give him an affirmative answer. You have to say yes. But despite the gravity of the situation every part of you screams to flee this room right here and now and you canât sort through your thoughts properly, let alone drum up the energy to speak.Â
âLord Choââ
âI understand you might be somewhat overwhelmed, Miss L/N.â He cuts you off for the second time and beyond the sick feeling youâre starting to get irritated. Does he not hear you? âBut truly, I do not care for the scandal. I do not care for the gossip. I think you are a wonderfully witty woman, beautiful and sharp, and quite simply, I enjoy your presence.â He squeezes your hands and you canât help but compare it to when Beomgyu doesâdidâthe same thing. Beomgyu made it feel comforting, romantic. Right now, you still just feel sick. âI would take you far from this place, Miss L/N. You would never have to see anyone from the ton ever again if you did not want to. As my mistressââ
Mistress?
You didnât hear that correctly. Surely you didnât. But the words wife and mistress are about as far apart as flower and cockroach and your mind keeps replaying his words over and over and he said mistress, he definitely said mistress, what the fuck is going on? You jerk your hands out of his grip. âAs your mistress?â you repeat, incredulous.Â
He blinks. âYes.â A little amused smile curves his lips, and you hate it. It is condescending and arrogant and makes you feel so incredibly small even as you stand in front of him. âSurely you did not expect me to marry you?â
You stumble backward, head spinning. âYouâwhat did you say to my stepmother? She thought you were going to marry me!â
âOh, I might have taken steps to lead her down that line of thought.â He shrugs, like it means nothing that heâs been deceiving her, deceiving you, this entire time. âI did not think a woman like her would understand the things that you would, but I am sure if we simply tell her that we plan to marry in my home country, she will rest assured.â
What?Â
You must still look completely bewildered, because Lord Cho steps forward and attempts to take your hands again. You step away before he can. âMiss L/N,â he says quietly, soothingly, like he speaks to a small child. Never once before now did you hear the arrogance underlying his tone. âIt will be fine. I will take you from here, shower you in jewels and silks and money. All you must do is stand by me.â He smiles wider. âThe ton will never know. Your stepmother will never know. And it wonât matter, anyway, because you need never see them again.â
You force yourself to stare straight into his eyes. âWhat makes you think,â you say quietly, âthat I will so readily agree?â
Lord Cho frowns, almost like he hadnât expected you to push back, which astounds you. How could he ever expect you to simply go along with this? âYou are a reasonable woman, Miss L/N,â he says. âSurely you must see that with the absence of a dowry and your lack of family fortune, you have very few options? I am offering you an out, a very comfortable one at that.â
âYou said you wanted to marry me,â you say, still half in disbelief.
âI never once said that I would marry you.â He smiles, as though revealing a particularly clever trick. âI said I wanted to be with you. I said I wanted you. But I never said I would marry you.â
Your stomach drops to the floor. What Lord Cho is sayingâŠit is true. All of it is true. You were the one who made assumptions. You were the one who really, truly thought he cared about you beyond your reputation, and still might want you as a partner for life. He tricked you. Completely.
âAll of which is true,â he continues, âbut I am a gentleman of means.â He peers at you like this means something. âSurely you see why I cannot truly marry you?â
You shake your head dumbly, once, twice. âNo. No,â you repeat, stepping backward. âIââ
âYou truly thought Iâd marry a barely titled, dirt poor foreign woman with nothing to bring me but her beauty?â Lord Cho laughs again and your insides grow cold. âCome now, Miss L/N. Donât flatter yourself too much.â He winks like youâre both in on some terrible joke that only he can understand. âYou are certainly beautiful, but not that beautiful.â
Stupidly, his words bring a stinging feeling behind your eyes, warning of tears to come. Between your pounding headache and the sick feeling in your stomach, though, you muster the energy to force them back. If there is anything you are going to do in front of this man, it wonât be crying like some sort of damsel in distress. âDonât flatter yourself either,â you say lowly. âYou are not handsome enough, nor charming enough, that I would lose all of my dignity to become a mistress for you.âÂ
âSo your answer is no?â
âYes, it is.â You scoff. âIn case you needed it spelled out for you explicitly, Lord Cho, no. I will not be your mistress.â
He laughs. Chills run up your spine. You have heard him laugh dozens of times since you met, but never has the sound been so terrifying before. âItâs incredibly funny to me that you think you have a choice,â he says, taking a step forward.Â
You stiffen, glancing instinctively towards the other side of the room where the door is closed. Cold dread settles in your veins. You swallow hard and for a moment youâre back in the garden with Mr. Thompson advancing on you.Â
Just like then, you canât seem to move.Â
âYou donât have a choice, Miss L/N.â His voice turns almost kind, which only makes the entire situation more threatening. âIt isnât just me. You are poor and unmarried. Would you allow yourself to become a spinster, and force your family into caring for you as you age? With this, I only offer you an out. A way to have a comfortable life, even despite the tragedies of your situation.â He takes another step forward.
You force yourself to move, to keep the distance between you two. No wonder he wanted to do this in public. He wonât expect you to fight back or scream, not at the cost of someone hearing and your reputation truly being dragged through the pits of hell. âDonât pretend to care about me,â you spit, carefully trying to edge yourself around the room. âDonât pretend to care about my family. Youâre the one trying to trap me into something I havenât given any indication that I want.â You curl your lip. âYou donât need me, Lord Cho. Go find another woman in similar straits who would be willing to do this. I wonât.â
Lord Cho shakes his head, a smirk slowly creeping up his face. âWhen will you realize, Miss L/N,â he says softly, âthat I am not asking?âÂ
Your blood runs cold. You tense to runâ
He suddenly lunges forward before you can move. You cry out as he snatches your wrist, his fingers as dry and unpleasant against your skin as they were warm before. âI was only being polite before. But you have made your stance clear, and now so will I.â He leans forward, crushing your wrist in his grip. âIâm already here, with you, alone in a closed off room. You Londoners are so prim and proper itâs almost stifling, but once news of this spreadsâŠâ He grins, baring all of his teeth. âYouâll have no choice but to come with me.â
You swallow hard, trying to breathe. Your breath comes in short gasps as your heart races faster and faster and youâre starting to feel lightheaded, which does absolutely nothing to help you think. âGet off of me,â you snarl, trying to wrench yourself out of his grip. âGet off of meââ
He laughs. âNot on your life,â he sneers, his face coming closer to yours.Â
You know whatâs going to happen next. Heâs going to kiss you, trap youâheâs going to make it so that heâs tainted you so much with his touch that it wonât even matter if you manage to scream and escape. There is no way you can win. Either he assaults you in silence and you are forced to accept his offer by virtue of your body being tainted, or you scream before he can do anything and someone comes in and sees and youâre trapped anyway because no one will believe a woman.Â
Lord Choâs breath hits your face, warm and repugnant. As you struggle away from his hold, bizarrely, youâre reminded of when Beomgyu kissed you, and how different that was from now.Â
Beomgyu.Â
He was right about Lord Cho. He was right that there was something strange about him. He was right that you should have been careful, that you should have kept your wits about you when around the man, and for all you claimed you would listen to him you still didnât believe him. You thought he was blind, suspicious, and jealous. Just an hour ago you were trying to gloat to yourself that you had won Lord Cho anyway, proven that he was not such a terrible man as Beomgyu thought. You trusted him to help you. To truly have your best interests at heart.
And now look at where that has landed you.Â
Suddenly a wave of anger shoves through your thoughts. Beomgyu was right, and damn it all, youâre suffering the consequences of not listening to him. But even if you made mistakesâwhich you will readily admitânone of it changes the fact that you didnât ask for this. You didnât ask to be poor. You didnât ask for your stepmother. You didnât ask to be taken advantage of and you donât damn deserve it. You didnât deserve any of this. You didnât deserve Mr. Thompson and the garden. You didnât deserve Beomgyu leaving you after the waltz.
And you certainly donât deserve Lord Cho right now.Â
Red washes across your vision and you scream.Â
He jerks back, startled, and just as his grip loosens you jerk your knee upward. You connect with his flesh and he cries out, but youâve already torn yourself out of his grasp and are stumbling toward the door. Your legs feel like theyâre made out of jelly but you hike up your skirts and force them to move, to take you out of here, anywhere but hereâ
A hand snatches your arm and Lord Cho slams you against a wall so hard you see stars. You cry out in pain but he slaps a hand over your mouth, eyes wild with rage. âYou little witch,â he sneers, bits of spittle flying out of his mouth as he speaks. Vaguely you wonder how you ever found him handsome. âYouâll pay for that.â
You bite his palm. He lets go with a curse and you try to kick him. âGet off of me.â You swing at him with your free hand but he catches your fist midair, bearing down on you with all of his weight. âI said, get off of meââ
Heâs too heavy. You canât shove him off, not on your own. But as your frayed mind begins to shut down, a single, final idea bursts forth from its depths, and you go completely limp in Lord Choâs grasp.Â
He doesnât expect it. You drop to the floor and he lets go of you on reflex. As you stumble out of his range you almost hit your head on a table leg, the same display table you saw on your way into the room, but you manage to haul yourself up just as Lord Cho rounds on you.Â
Your fumbling fingers close around something metal. And as he leaps toward you, murder in his eyes, you swing one of the two silver candlesticks at his head.Â
It seems to happen slowly, far too slowly. The candlestick, a blur of silver streaking through the air. Lord Choâs eyes widening as he tries to dodge, but too late. Your own scream lodges in your throat as the candlestick fully smacks right into his temple with a terrible noise, the awful impact jolting up your arm.Â
Then the door slams open.
Lord Cho drops to the ground. The candlestick clatters on the floor. You stagger backwards, head spinning, and look up to meet eyes with none other than Beomgyu.Â
Well, technically speaking, he was invited. His whole family was. But even though Soobin and Yeonjun were both planning to go, Beomgyu didnât originally intend to join them, and they didnât really try to convince him otherwise. He hasnât been up to doing much since you threw him out of your home and after one too many snarled conversations, his family has more or less given up on trying to get him back into society.Â
He does leave his room, though, to bid Soobin and his wife goodbye before they depart to the ball. They seem pleasantly surprised to see him, which only makes shame well up in his chest. âAre you sure you will not attend with us?â Lady Choi asks, looking hopeful. âWooyoung will be quite disappointed not to see you.â
Beomgyu shakes his head. âNo, I think I should like to rest tonight.â
âAs you wish, brother. Have a good night.â Soobin takes his wifeâs hand then, giving her a soft smile as they begin to walk out of the hall. As Beomgyu turns around to walk back up the stairs, though, he catches his brother asking, âDid you hear?âÂ
âHear what?â his wife replies.Â
âIâve heard Miss L/N will be in attendance.â
Beomgyu stops hard in his tracks. After two weeks of being conspicuously absent from all society events, you would decide to show yourself tonight? At Wooyoungâs ball?
Soobin continues, perhaps a bit more loudly, and Beomgyu could swear he hears something of a smirk in his brotherâs voice. âI believe she might be receiving a proposal tonight.â
Beomgyu whirls around. âFrom who?â he demands.Â
Soobin turns to him, lips curled in that smirk Beomgyu heard so clearly. âFrom Lord Cho, of course,â he says. âWho else?â
It takes a moment for that to sink in. His brother and sister in law have disappeared out of the front doors before Beomgyu even finishes processing that information. He remains at the base of the staircase, frozen in place, turning those words over and over in his head.Â
You might be receiving a proposal tonight.Â
You might be receiving a proposal tonight from Lord Cho.
Beomgyu is dressed and calling for someone to ready the carriage before he even realizes what heâs doing.Â
As he steps into the vehicle, though, he stops suddenly. Why is he so eager to go now? Hadnât you made it clear that he was to stay away from you at all costs, that he had hurt you far beyond what you were able to forgive? Knowing that, and knowing that he respects you with all that he has, he should be staying far away.Â
But he didnât even get to apologize to you. You pushed him out before he could say anything, and though he left, he still has things to say. If you truly care for and want to marry Lord Cho, Beomgyu knows he wonât be able to stop you. But he has to find some way for you to hear him out first, just for a chanceâthat slim, slim chance that he can apologize, that you will hear him out, that maybe he can begin to try and make amends. And for that to happen, he has to be there tonight. He has to get to you before Lord Cho can, has to get to you before you say yes to him.Â
When he enters the ball, though, you arenât there.Â
You were there. He knows this because as he passes through the ballroom, ignoring everyone who tries to catch his attention, he hears snippets of people gossiping at the audacity of your showing your face here tonight. In any other moment he would have something barbed to say to them, but he needs to find you, first and foremost. But you arenât there. Youâre nowhere.Â
âBeomgyu!â Yeonjun grabs his shoulder, looking very pleased. Wooyoung is right behind him and wears a similar smile on his face. âI thought you werenât coming tonight!â
âI wasnât,â he replies shortly, knowing how rude he sounds right now and not caring at all. âHave you seen Y/N?â
Amusement and concern war on Yeonjunâs face. âNo, I havenât, but I imagine sheâd like to keep to herself this evening.â He starts trying to pull Beomgyu away. âBut if youâre hereââ
They all hear it at the same time. A muffled scream from a room further down the hall, then a dull thud like something hit the floor or a wall. Three men look at each other.Â
Then Beomgyu starts running.Â
Every second seems to take an hour as he sprints down the hall. Yeonjun and Wooyoung follow but more slowly and Beomgyu has no patience to wait for his cousin and friend as he pulls open doors, cursing every time they come up empty. But then he flinches hard as a loud crash sounds right against the wall and before he can realize what heâs doing, his hand is on the doorknob and he flings it open just in time to see you strike Lord Choâs head with a silver candlestick.Â
Time seems to slow. He freezes in the doorway, one hand still on the knob, watching Lord Cho crumple slowly to the ground. The rational part of him says he should see if Lord Cho is fine, at least check if the man is still breathing, but a loud thunk sounds, shattering his daze, and Beomgyu looks over to see the candlestick fall out of your numb hands onto the floor.Â
You meet his gaze. Your eyes, blown wide with fear, tremble in their sockets as you stumble backwards, away from the candlestick. Beomgyu can only stare back, his head spinning as he tries to take in the moment, and then you speak.Â
âFancy seeing you here, Mr. Choi.âÂ
Then you collapse.
Beomgyu surges forward to catch you just before your head hits the floor. âMiss L/N,â he says lowly, gathering you into his arms. Youâre breathing, but when you donât open your eyes, he starts to panic. âMiss L/N! Y/N!â A groan sounds from further away and vaguely he registers that it must be Lord Cho, but he canât tear himself away from you. âY/N!â
The door bursts open again. Beomgyu turns around just in time to see Yeonjun fly into the room, followed closely by Wooyoung and the duchess. ââŠBeomgyu?â he asks, taking in the scene. âWhatâŠwhat happened?â
âI donât know,â Beomgyu manages to get out. âY/Nâsheââ
The next few moments are a blur. Thereâs a lot of talking, yelling, and then someone brings in smelling salts and tries gently to push Beomgyu away so that they can revive you. He refuses to stop holding you, though. He needs to hear you breathing. He needs to know youâre fine.Â
Slowly, you come to. Beomgyu holds his breath as your eyes flutter open, roving dazedly over the room. âY/N?â he asks softly. When your eyes turn to him, he breathes out a terrible sigh of relief. âThank God,â he whispers.Â
Nearby, Lord Cho also seems to be coming to, though with a very nasty lump on his head that Beomgyu can see even from here. Unlike you, though, the second his eyes open, he whirls around, murder written all over his expression. âYou,â he snarls, looking straight at you.Â
Youâre shaking. Trembling. You curl further into Beomgyuâs arms and he tightens them around you, well aware of and ignoring all the other eyes in the room. It doesnât matter that this is improper. You need someone, and even though Beomgyu knows the only reason youâre curling into him is because youâre in shock, he doesnât care. He wonât abandon you nowânot the way he did before.Â
âLord Cho, calm yourself.â Wooyoung places a hand on his friendâs shoulder. âWhat happened?â
âThat bitch hit me in the head with that candlestick!â Lord Cho roars, pointing at the silver still glinting on the floor. âShe claimed she had a headache and I helped her here so that she could rest, but then she went tried to seduce me and I refused and then she went berserkââ
âI suggest you calm yourself before you say more,â Beomgyu snarls. He makes to stand up but youâre still gripping his arms, so he stays put. âMiss L/N would never do such a thing, and you know it.â
âAnd how do you know that?â Lord Cho sneers, and in that moment Beomgyu canât believe he ever found his man to be handsome. Seeing him like this, he is the ugliest man Beomgyu has ever seen. âYou werenât even here!â
âI did not.â
Everyone jerks their head around to look at you. Beomgyu himself almost flinches, surprised at the sound of your voice. âMiss L/N?â he asks softly.Â
You swallow hard, gaze trained on Lord Cho. Your shoulders are still trembling and the color has drained from your lips, leaving them terribly pale, but when you speak, your voice, though weak, still carries through the room. âI did not try to seduce you,â you say, and thereâs a hint of a snarl in your tone that chills Beomgyu to the core.
Lord Cho opens his mouth, but Wooyoung steps forward, cutting him off. Beomgyuâs carefree friend looks uncharacteristically serious now, his eyebrows drawn sharp into his face. âMiss L/N,â he greets respectfully. âThen will you tell us what happened?âÂ
Beomgyu watches as you take a deep shuddering breath. You put your hand in his before trying to stand, but you sway in place and Beomgyu just manages to catch you before you fall again. âYou can sit, you know,â he says quietly.Â
âNo.â You stay on your feet, lips still pale, but eyes focused and hard. âIt is true that I had a headache and wished to rest. Lord Cho offered to escort me out of the ballroom as we had been dancing just before. I did not notice he was leading me to an empty room, and by the time I did realize, he had closed already closed the door. And thenââ You swallow convulsively. âHe tried to force himself on me.â
Lord Cho sneers. Beomgyu itches to punch the man in the face, maybe break his nose, but your hand still grips his tightly and he wonât move while you still need him. âWhat proof do you have?â Lord Cho asks. His voice is full of an arrogance that Beomgyu recognizes in those entitled men who never think of anyone but themselves.Â
Your eyes flare. Beomgyu barely has a moment to prepare himself before you yell, âYou propositioned me as your mistress!âÂ
The room falls dead silent, but you arenât done speaking. âYou thought I would be too ashamed to say it out loud, didnât you?â you snarl, looking straight at Lord Cho. âTo admit that this dirt poor, barely endowed, useless slip of a woman would be nothing better than a mistress to an unmarried man?â You laugh, but there is no humor in the sound. âI may be nothing in your estimation,â you yell, âbut I would never have agreed to such a thing!â
No one says a word, not even Lord Cho. Only your heavy breaths cut through the silence. âI thought he was going to ask to marry me.â You laugh again, that horrible sound devoid of all emotion. âI was a stupid fool for thinking he would, and I acknowledge that. But never did I think he would proposition me. And never did I think, when I refused, that he would try to assault me just so that I would be forced to return with him.â You turn to Wooyoung, who flinches slightly when you meet his eyes, but then you sag. âI am terribly sorry for causing a scene in your home,â you say, bowing your head low. âI will not beg forgiveness for defending myself, but I apologize for having used your belongings to do it. I will replace the candlestick if need be, only send me the bill. I will see myself out now.â
It would have been an incredibly dramatic exit, if you hadnât taken one step out of Beomgyuâs grasp and immediately collapsed to the floor again.Â
Instantly the room bursts into chaos. Beomgyu drops to his knees beside you, frantically feeling for your pulse, all the while Wooyoung and Lord Cho are yelling and the duchess has knelt next to him, carefully lifting your head into her lap. Yeonjun disappears but when Beomgyu blinks again heâs back with the smelling salts, and Beomgyu can only hold his breath as your eyes blink open for the second time that night.
âThank God,â the duchess breathes. âMiss L/N, let us help you up. Yeonjunââ
Her husband understands immediately, bending down to lift you into his arms. You try to protest, sitting up weakly on your own, but when you nearly fall over again you stop trying. Beomgyu helps his cousin pull you up, but then a loud yell jerks all of their attention to the shouting match happening on the other side of the room.Â
âGet out of my home,â Wooyoung spits at Lord Cho, face red with fury.Â
Lord Cho scoffs. âYou would take her word over mine? You know me, and you know that woman is insane! All of the society papers say so!â
âWatch your tongue,â Beomgyu hisses, standing up. In several long strides heâs crossed the room and has Lord Choâs collar in his fist. âWatch your tongue,â he repeats quietly as Lord Cho gasps. âStrong-willed she may be, and certainly a force to be reckoned with, but you go too far to claim such falsehoods about her.â
âAnd he is right.â Wooyoung steps forward, putting a gentle but warning hand on Beomgyuâs shoulder. Beomgyu gets the message and lets go of Lord Choâs collar, but he barely takes a step back. âLord Cho, you are my friend. Were my friend. But we have spent many years apart, and I do not know you well like I know the people of this ton.â He takes a deep breath, as though trying to compose himself. âI do not claim Miss L/N as a close friend,â he says quietly. âBut I do know that she does not lie. She does not do things without reason. I also find it very, very hard to believe that a woman who attempted to proposition you would look so ill in your presence.â He leans forward. âI heard the thumps, Lord Cho. I heard you knocking her about the room. She could not have done that to you, and both of us know it.â Wooyoung shakes his head, disgust written all over his features. âI cannot believe I ever counted you as a friend.â
Lord Cho opens his mouth. Closes it. His face, flushed dark, looks almost like it might explode. Beomgyu would laugh if he wasnât still so rigid with anger.
âI will give you enough time only to gather your things from your quarters,â Wooyoung says coldly. âThen you may depart my residence to find your own lodgings. You will not be welcome back, so I suggest you pack your things carefully.â He points to the door. âA servant will follow you to ensure have your things and you donât return. Now leave.â
For a moment, Lord Cho looks like he will refuse. Beomgyu tenses, instinctively shifting to block Lord Choâs gaze when it flickers in your direction, but itâs Wooyoungâs home and so it is his prerogative to do as he likes. Lord Cho has no defense when the host himself has asked him to leave. âI suggest you leave now,â Beomgyu says quietly, âwhile Mr. Jung is still asking nicely.â
Slowly, too slowly, Lord Cho removes his gaze from you. No one seems to breathe during the time it takes for him and Wooyoung to leave the room, and even after the door shuts behind them, no one says a word even as Yeonjun and Beomgyu help you up to the couch so that you are no longer lying on the floor. It takes Wooyoung coming back in several minutes later for the tension to crack just enough that they can speak.Â
âMiss L/N, I must apologize deeply for what happened tonight.â He bows deeply, looking truly abashed. âI had no idea he was the man that he was. Lord Cho will be removed from my home immediately, and I expect him to leave the country within a few days.â
You blink slowly from your perch on the couch. âIt was no fault of yours, Mr. Jung,â you say.Â
âYet I am the host, and I am the one who invited him.â He sighs, raking a hand through his hair. âI donât expect you would like to stay any longer tonight.â
ââŠNo,â you admit.
âI will send you home in my carriage. It will leave from the back door, so you need not worry about anyone seeing you,â Wooyoung says, putting out a hand to forestall your protests. âPlease, Miss L/N. It is the least I can do.â
âThen I thank you, my lord.â You incline your head to him. âPlease, if I have damaged anything of yours, send me the bill. I will see to it that anything broken is replaced or fixed.â
âDo not worry about such things.â Wooyoung shakes his head. âPlease get home safely.â
You duck your head in acquiescence and then you allow Beomgyu to quietly lead you out of the room.Â
Silence weighs heavily between the two of you as Beomgyu guides you through the halls of the Jung residence. Several times he tries to think of something to say, but for all his proclaimed wittiness, nothing comes to mind that he thinks will even remotely help you. Every time he glances at you, you look so tired, so weary, that any beginnings of a conversation that might have begun to take shape in his mind immediately fizzle out.Â
Beomgyu has been to Wooyoungâs home enough times that it isnât hard to find the back entrance. He swings open the door and sure enough, the carriage that Wooyoung promised is there. He holds out a hand to you and you take it wordlessly. For a moment in time, while the moon glows softly on your face, you stand like thatâhand in hand, in silence.Â
âIâm sorry,â he says. It just comes out of him all of a sudden. He doesnât truly know why, or even what he is truly apologizing for.Â
You look at him. âFor what?â
âEverything,â he whispers.
âThat is a large amount of blame to take on, isnât it?â
Itâs phrased like a joke, but your tone doesnât give way to much humor. Beomgyu doesnât feel any worse or any better for it. âWill you be all right?â he finally asks, very quietly.Â
You give him a wretched smile in response. âWhat other choice do I have?â
Reblogs and comments are deeply appreciated! Hope you enjoyed this, and have a lovely day :)
pairing:Â Beomgyu x fem!reader
genre:Â Â fluff, angst, enemies to lovers, regency era!au, nobility!au
warnings:Â cursing, period typical misogyny
word count:Â 9k
notes:Â
â updates every M/W/F at 8pm EST until the series finishes
â inspiration taken from an amalgamation of different bridgerton stories - let me know what easter eggs you find!
â story takes place in the same universe as my duke!yeonjun and earl!taehyun fics - check out the link to the series below for some more easter eggs :)
In a society where it only takes a year for a young woman in search of a husband to be considered out of season, it is no wonder that by your third year out, you are desperate to marry. Known as one of the beauties of the ton, such a task should not be difficult for youâbut with an absent father, no dowry, and a reputation centered around your inability to keep your mouth shut around one certain Beomgyu Choi, your prospects are more limited than youâd like. While you cannot recover your family or your wealth, however, the one thing you can try to control is your reputation. So when the third season rolls around, you resolve to keep your distance from Beomgyu Choi, your childhood enemy, and the man you hate most in the world.
Enter Beomgyu Choi, second son of the Kensington Viscountcy, one of the most eligible bachelors in the ton. His older brother, cousin, and good friend have all recently married, leaving the mamas to salivate at his doorstep for the chance of marrying one of their daughters to him. When Beomgyu walks in on a particularly traumatizing moment between you and one of the most unsavory men in the ton and learns of your desperation to marry, despite your history of enmity, he proposes you a devious dealâto pretend to court you. It seems like a winning situation for both of youâmore gentlemen will take notice of you, enhancing your prospects, and he will have the tonâs mamas off his backâand so, despite your misgivings, you agree.
With you hell bent on marriage and Beomgyu completely indifferent to the concept, even independent of your hatred for each other, it seems unlikely that any sort of true affection will bloom. But as you begrudgingly put aside your differences to spend more and more time in one anotherâs company, and as you grow to know each other beyond your ill-conceived preconceptions from childhood, you begin to realize that perhaps you two have more in common than you had once thought. And as your faked acquaintanceship becomes more truth than fiction, a friendship beginning to bloom most unexpectedlyâ
Perhaps you no longer need to convince the ton of the veracity of your courtship, because anyone with eyes can see that it is true.Â
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Beomgyu has certainly said this before, but he actually means it this time when he says he would rather be anywhere than where he is now. Even the Smythe-Smith musicale.Â
It would be hilarious, the fact that heâd rather have his ears tortured for an hour and a half than be here at an objectively much better performance, except heâs been walking through a fog of annoyance, anger, and misery for three days, and during that time he hasnât been able to find much humor in anything.Â
The worst thing is that itâs all his fault.Â
He was the one who suggested ending the courtship, after all. He was the one who said it would be best. And, objectively, it is the logical course of action. You have a suitorâseveral, in factâand while beginning this farce might have been what drew them to you, continuing it for too long might actually drive them away. It was logical. Rational.Â
Too bad emotions have nothing to do with logic.Â
Beomgyu sneaks a glance at you where you sit next to him, eyes fixed on the scene in front of you. You look to be the perfect model of attention, your gaze riveted on the two dancers as they sweep across the floor almost as one entity of eight limbs. You were completely unfazed earlier, too. When you met, you at least had seemed unperturbed by anything that happened during the last promenade. If Beomgyu hadnât already known you were a superb actor, heâd have been entirely convinced of your performance.Â
He wonders if you are truly so engrossed in the ballet now, or if you are acting just as well as before.Â
Not that it matters. He pinches himself. The courtship is over, or at least it will be soon. And at that point he wonât see you againânot on purpose, at least. He has no business trying to figure out what your emotions are about this change of events. What reason would you have to be anything other than pleased, anyway? This whole agreement was just for your mutual benefit. Nothing more, nothing less.Â
But you didnât look pleased when he said it. Granted, he wasnât looking at you for most of the conversation but from the few glances he snuck at you when he was sure you wouldnât return his gaze, you looked more shocked than anything. Maybe not shocked, but at least surprised, and not in a way that screamed excitement. Though to be fair, your expression didnât really scream anything then. You seemed mostly blank up until you asked to end the walk early.Â
Briefly he entertains the thought that you might also be unreasonably upset by the end of this courtship. Just like every other time heâs done this, he shoves the thought away. Itâs no use wondering. You wouldnât tell him, anyway.Â
Sighing quietly, Beomgyu turns his attention back to the performance, where the dancers have since separated to opposite corners of the floor. He watches, momentarily dazzled, as they twist and weave their way back to each other sinuously, sensually, until finger by finger, arm by arm, they find themselves entangled in each otherâs embrace once more. A collective gasp rises from the room as they come toward each other so suddenly that Beomgyu almost thinks they will collideâ
But they donât. They stop quietly, foreheads coming to touch, faces so close that if one leaned forward even slightly, they would kiss.Â
Tiny whispers permeate the room, and Beomgyu sees more than a few glances being directed at the queen, who sits, stone faced, in the seat of honor. This is perhaps the most sensual performance the ton has ever seen. He thinks it was beautiful, a lovely display of human emotion in its rawest form, but some of the more conservative members of the ton might not think so. The queen leads the social scene in London and her reaction will dictate what the papers say of thisâhe wonders what she might be thinking behind her usual blank mask.Â
The queenâs blank mask reminds him of another and without thinking, he looks over at you. He expects much the same reactionâyou are good at keeping most of your emotions off your face, after all. But instead of the politely entertained expression he expected, you look somewhat startled by the scene before you. Surprised.Â
Flustered, even.Â
Beomgyu turns away to hide a twitch of his lips. He hadnât thought about how you would react to the blatant sensuality of the piece, but itâs more amusing than he expected. Your eyes wide, your lips slightly parted, your gaze riveted on the scene like you arenât sure whether to be enraptured or disgustedâŠ
Itâs cute, in a way. He might even say adorable.Â
Someone begins applauding and you jump. Beomgyu has to hide his smile as his own dutiful claps join those of the crowd. From where he sits he can see the queen stand, a smile coloring her features as she leads the applause, and he breathes a short sigh of relief. The Rosenburys are a good family. He would have hated to see them shunned if the queen disapproved of this performance.Â
The crowd begins to disperse after that, filtering off into different rooms for refreshment and chatter. Later there will be some dancing, but for now he leads you towards a table filled with small glasses. They need some time to set up the ballroom floor before he can join you in your perfunctory one dance of the evening.Â
âŠHe shouldnât have thought of that. Now his earlier ugly mood has just returned. He allows himself one grimace before schooling his features back into careful pleasantry. âHow did you enjoy the performance?â he asks with practiced neutrality, handing you a glass of water. God, he really hadnât noticed just how much levity you two could share before he shattered it with just a few words. âI have never seen the like.â
âNeither have I.â You stare at your glass, but to his surprise, Beomgyu doesnât think youâre purposely trying to avoid his gazeâat least not now. You still look somewhat in awe of what you just saw. âIt wasâŠsomething else, truly. I think I enjoyed it.â
âI think I did too,â Beomgyu replies truthfully. Then he smiles, hiding a little smirk. âYou looked rather flustered. I gather you havenât seen something so romantic before.â
You scowl. Beomgyu welcomes the sightâat least itâs far more familiar than the calm neutrality you showed him earlier in the evening. âI wasnâtâflustered,â you snap. âI justâŠâ
One second passes. Then another. You still seem to be floundering for words so Beomgyu takes the leadâto tease, of course. âYou just what?â he asks, unable now to hold back his smirk.Â
âWellâin the end, they were about to kiss.â Beomgyu bites his lip to hide a real smile at how flustered you look now. âI mean, I know people kissââ
âI should certainly hope you did.â
ââbutâoh, be quietâbut they donât do it in public.â You shake your head as you and Beomgyu walk over to a quieter room, leaving the noise of the main hall behind. âYou canât tell me you see people kissing everywhere. Of course I would have been flustered.â
Beomgyu has perhaps seen more of it than he should, but he is a man and you are a lady. He cedes your point. âI tease, my lady,â he says, taking a sip of his own glass. âBut beyond the near kiss, I thought the rest of the piece was beautifully done, and honestly quite tasteful.â
âSo did I.â The two of you stop by a tall table and place your drinks down for a rest. A few others are in the room, mostly minding their own conversation and business. For a moment, Beomgyu thinks about the fact that no one even bats an eye at the two of you holding civil conversation in the same room anymore. Then his sour mood from earlier threatens to return and he abandons that train of thought completely, because this sort of scene wonât be happening anymore in a few weeks.Â
God, what does it say about him that he would rather be arguing with you for the entire ton to hear than be absent of your company from now on and forever?
Youâre speaking again, so Beomgyu drags himself out of his thoughts and back to the present in time so that he might actually respond to your words instead of making a massive fool of himself. âEven the near kiss,â youâre saying. âIt was all part of the story. Iâve read books and been to the opera, of course, but that was the first time Iâd seen anyone express a story with such love without words and just throughâŠthe body.âÂ
You look almost shy when your words are done and over, but Beomgyu canât find it in himself to tease you this time. Maybe because you were so earnest when you said it, because it is more touching than you realize that you would allow him to hear your thoughts in this moment and he doesnât want to embarrass you for it. Maybe because heâs just glad that the stilted pleasantry of earlier seems to be gone and you are speaking like normal acquaintances again. âI agree,â he says quietly. âIt is rather beautiful to see the different ways people use art to express themselves.â
You glance at him sidelong. âYou are a true appreciator of art, then.â It isnât a question, and he canât really read the look in your eyes.Â
âIâm not really,â Beomgyu admits. âAt least I wasnât before. But the duchess is a connoisseur of the classics and music, Lord Kangâs wife is quite literally a world renowned pianist, and Mr. Huening is an accomplished painter, so between the three of them it is now somewhat difficult to escape the influence of different arts around me. Not that I would truly want to, though.â He pauses. âArt is interesting because it captures the pieces of the world in a perspective unique to the artist. As I grow older, I think I find myself appreciating those new perspectives more and more.â
You look at him, a glint in your eye. âYou talk of your age like you are an old man, Mr. Choi.â
He scowls, but relents at the softness on your face hidden behind that glint. âI am no old man,â he sniffs. âBut I cannot deny that I age by the day.â
âSo you cannot.â You laugh a little. âI jest, Mr. Choi. I agree very much with your perspective.â Your eyes take on a faraway look. âI sometimes wish I could experience such a story in my own lifetime,â you say, almost to yourself.Â
Beomgyu peers at you. âEveryone has their own story, Miss L/N. Just because it is not immortalized in some art form does not mean it does not impact the world in some way.â
âOh, I know.â You wave a hand. âItâs justâwatching the dancers, I felt so taken by the scene in a way that I have never felt in real life. I suppose the only times I have felt such deep emotion are when I care for Delia and Henry. Or if I am angry.â You snort a little. âThat seems to happen more often than it should. I just wonder what it would be like to love as deeply as the dancers seemed to.â
âYou have never been in love before?â Beomgyu asks softly.Â
âWell, I have loved.â You shrug. âI love Henry. I love Delia. But romantic loveâŠno. I have not. And I honestly do not know if I will ever have the chance to pursue it.â Your laugh turns self-deprecating. âLikely I will not.â
Beomgyu feels a little sick inside. Heâs not really sure why. Thereâs a measure of guilt, he thinks, for having played a part in your somewhat shattered reputation over the past two seasons, as well as a fair amount of sympathy and anger for your situation at home. But thereâs another feeling, something fluttery and sticky all at once in the pit of his stomach that he really does not understand. And he doesnât have time to sort it throughânot that he really wants toâbecause youâre talking again.Â
âIt just seems so beautiful, the way other people tell of it. True love, I mean.â You stare deep into your glass and Beomgyu isnât sure you know that youâre talking to him anymore. âI donât know if I will ever experience it. I mean, sometimes I wonder if I will ever even be kissed.â
Beomgyu blinks. And blinks again.Â
You clearly notice his silence because embarrassment floods your features and you look away. âApologies, Mr. Choi. I did not mean to say that out loud.â
âNo need to apologize,â Beomgyu gets out. âButâŠMiss L/N, I am sure you will be kissed. You will have a husband. Surely he will kiss you.â
âMaybe.â You shrug, looking somewhat depressed. âI certainly hope so. But I assume that would only happen if my husband loved me enough to do it.â
His head is spinning. âWould your husband not love you?â
âI have no idea,â you snap, voice lowering to a quiet hiss. âMr. Choi, you of all people know very well that I would marry a man even if he did not love me.â
Right. Evil stepmother, and all that. âOf course. I apologize.â He pauses, trying to sort through everything that youâre talking about and all the thoughts heâs having. âBut one does not have to love someone to kiss someone,â is all he points out in the end, because his brain is just not working right now. He canât even blame it on the alcohol because he hasnât drunk at all today or this week.Â
âYes, butââ You groan before muttering, âThis is so embarrassing.â
âWhat is embarrassing?â
You groan again. âI donât want to say it in front of you.â
Beomgyu raises an eyebrow. âIf I may, Miss L/N, Iâm certain Lady Whistledown has immortalized far more embarrassing things that you have said to me in her gossip column. Besidesââ He cuts himself off before he can say more, hoping you wonât notice.Â
Unfortunately, you do notice. âBesides what?â
Heâs a damn idiot for saying anything at all, because you certainly wonât let him off without getting the answer out of him now. âWe arenât going to be seeing each other in a few weeks,â he says quietly. âSo whatever you say now, you wouldnât have to face it after a month from now.â
A short silence fills the air, along with a vague tension that isnât as sharp as the one he felt in the park, but still makes him feel somewhat will. You break it first. âWell, when you put it that wayâŠâ Your smile looks more like a smirk and thereâs something brittle to it that Beomgyu doesnât quite know what to make of, but you continue before he can try to figure it out. âYou arenât wrong.â
âIâm never wrong,â he says, trying for his usual casual air. It doesnât quite work but you take the bait with some seeming relief in your eyes. âI could count probably a hundred times you were wrong, and at least half of them are printed in Whistledown,â you snipe.Â
âWell, if Iâm not wrong this time, then tell me.â Beomgyu gestures to you. âWhat is so embarrassing that you couldnât want me to hear it out of your own lips now?â
You pinch the bridge of your nose and sigh. âWell, if you truly must knowâŠâ You sigh again. You wonât quite meet your eyes and against his will, Beomgyu finds your embarrassment somewhat endearing. âIt would simply be nice to be kissed by someone who loves me, and whom I love back. It is the stuff of romantic dreams, is it not?â
ââŠI donât really know, Miss L/N.â
You scoff. âOf course not. You havenât a romantic bone in your body.â
Beomgyu narrows his eyes in affront. âWho brought you those gloves, hm?â
You open your mouth to reply. Then you close it. âPoint taken,â you finally admit. âBut my previous point still stands. Iâm sure it is the dream of half the ladies of the tonâor moreâto be kissed in a moment as emotional as the performance we saw earlier. Half of the men, too.âÂ
ââŠI take your point as well,â Beomgyu says.Â
You shrug halfheartedly, embarrassment still coating your every movement. âItâs a stupid dream. Nothing much of it.â
He wants to say something to take the despondence out of your voice, but for a person who prides himself on always having a witty comeback, Beomgyu finds himself at a loss for words now. You donât seem like you really want help with this, anyway. There isnât much he could do to help with your plight even if you did.Â
âIâm sorry,â he says in the end. âI wish IâŠâ He trails off, then decides to try for some levity. âI wish I could help, though Iâm not sure what I could do beyond kissing you.â He expects you to laugh.
You do not laugh. Instead, you look at him with a gaze oddly blank but also full of something he canât discern, and ask, âAre you offering?â
Dead silence falls between you two. And in that silence, Beomgyu realizes now that you are the only two left in the room. Everyone else has gone. The door is open slightly for proprietyâs sake, but this room is somewhat removed from the rest of the party, andâ
Why is he even thinking about any of that? Itâs not as if this would happen. Itâs not as if you are really asking him to kiss you.Â
Kiss you.Â
All of a sudden Beomgyu canât look at anything but your lips. Canât think of anything beyond what it would feel like to have them against hisâto hold you by the waist, pressing you closer to him as your arms wrap around his neck, his mouth swallowing any sounds you might make as he pulls you as close to his chest as he can.Â
Dear God. Beomgyu feels somewhat faint. This is very dangerous territory. The logical part of his brain is screaming for him to disengage, to laugh it off and get out of the room as soon as possible because if he says the wrong thing (or the right thing? Is there even a right or wrong in this situation?) there will be no going back. But a deeper, more insistent part of him that isnât lodged just in his brain but also in the beating of his heart urges him to rise to your challenge. To take the chance to have your lips and body against his.Â
He's never felt this way before. Heâs only been to a brothel once and he left before anything could happen because the idea of having intercourse with someone he barely knew repulsed him more than he ever expected it would. But even beyond that, even with his female friends and acquaintances, he has never felt this way. Never wanted anyone like this. Not once.Â
âDo you want me to offer?â he asks quietly, and something in his chest sends a burst of warmth rippling throughout his body.Â
You swallow, but your gaze remains steady. âI asked you a question first.â
And so you did. Beomgyu wonders if he should press his own suit, but something in the set of your features tells him he wonât receive a single answer until youâre satisfied with his reply. Warmth burns in his chest. âI cannot offer you the love you seek,â he says frankly. âBut, if you would likeâŠâ
You hold yourself very still. Even the air seems to await his sentence to finish.
ââŠI could help you with a kiss.â
Silence drops between you two. You swallow again and Beomgyu follows the movement of your throat with his eyes, trailing it down from your lips as he cocks his head. âSo I ask again,â he says quietly, âdo you want me to offer, Miss L/N?â
For a long moment, you stay quiet. Long enough for the air to become stifling, long enough for the rational part of Beomgyuâs brain to regain some more control, long enough for him to come back to his damn senses and realize that this is going in a direction he wonât be able to control for long. Or maybe heâs already lost control. Either way, this canât continue or youâll both end up doing something you regret. âI apologize. I forgot myself.â He turns away, ready to flee. âI know our courtship is going to be over soon and I should not have suggested such a thingâeven on my honor, I should not haveââ
âYes.â
Beomgyu blinks. A very unflattering noise that sounds like âwhat?â comes out of his mouth but he barely hears it, blurry, like heâs been submerged underwater.Â
You swallow hard. âYou asked if I wanted you to offer,â you say quietly. Something tremors in your voice but you meet his eyes. âAnd I said yes.â
He gapes in a way that is likely extremely unflattering, but you donât seem to notice. âSo?â you say, jaw set with what looks like determination, but Beomgyu can see the slight embarrassment tingeing your features the longer he says nothing. Heâd tease you if he had the presence of mind to but he doesnât, so he only extends a hand.Â
âCome here.â
You shuffle forward, steps uncertain. âThis means nothing,â you say quietly, more to yourself than him.Â
He doesnât understand why that deepens the sick feeling in his stomach. Of course this means nothing. It could never mean anything even if he wanted it to, which he definitely doesnât. Itâs not as if itâll matter in a month anyway. âThis means nothing,â he echoes, ignoring the pit in his gut in favor of taking your hand.Â
The first thing he notices is that you are warm. Heâs warm, probably too warm with the feeling in his chest, but when your palm touches his itâs as though a spark travels through his skin, up his spine. âTell me what to do,â you mumble.Â
Your words, for some reason, bring a smile to his face. âThereâs not much to it,â he says. âItâs just kissing.â
âIÂ know,â you snap, looking adorably embarrassed. âBut I donât know what to do with my hands. Or anything.â
Beomgyu smiles harder. âPut your arms around my neck,â he says. âIâll take care of the rest.â
You take a breath. Beomgyu wonders for a moment if youâll do what he said, but then your arms creep up, cautiously looping around his neck. âLike this?â you whisper, not looking at him.Â
He can hardly answer around the sensation of your hands at his neck, palms flush against his skin. Warmth creeps up his face and it isnât just from your hands, but he laughs, at himself and at you, a little bit. âYes,â he says, curling one arm around your waist. You make a slight noise when your body hits his and Beomgyu might be delirious, but he swears that sound will be burned into his mind forever.Â
Youâre still not looking at him. Beomgyu chuckles slightly. âMiss L/N,â he says softly, tapping your chin with his free hand. âYouâll have to look at me to make this work.â
It takes an eternity for you to meet his eyes. When you do, though, Beomgyu finds himself mesmerized by them. Frozen in place by the heat of your gaze in the moment. His hand creeps up from your chin to cup your cheek. âLet me know,â he whispers, âif you ever want to stop.â He pauses for you to nod.
And then he kisses you.Â
Your lips are soft against his. Warm, and impossibly sweetânot in taste, not exactly, but like candy, the longer he kisses you, the more he wants. He barely stops himself from letting a soft moan leave his lips but then you make a noise, soft and whiny and wanting, and almost reflexively he pulls you even closer than before. Your arms wrap tighter around his neck and you donât protest.Â
The rolling heat in his gut just flares brighter.
Beomgyu kisses you for seconds. He kisses you for hours. He kisses you until the sun sets and the moon rises, and then the moon sets and the sun rises. None of this is true but all of it is because thatâs how he feels, kissing you nowâlike he could kiss you forever and never once tire of your lips.Â
One of your hands creeps up into his hair, tugging it slightly, and he groans against your mouth. Nothing exists except you, now. Nothing but you and him.Â
Air forces you to break apart in the end. If Beomgyu had his way he would just stop breathing rather than stop kissing you, but his body has other plans and forces him to pull away. His eyes had closed at some point. He doesnât know when. He opens them now and when he sees your face, eyes wide, features slack, lips kiss-swollen and dark, he nearly crushes you against him again.Â
He watches as you blink once, twice. Your expression stills and you seem to come back to earth. He watches your throat bob as you swallow hard, suddenly unable to meet his eyes. âSo,â you say, voice cracking slightly. âThatâs a kiss.â
Beomgyu nods. âThatâs a kiss,â he says, words lower than usual.Â
Your eyes flicker around the room like youâd rather look anywhere than at him. Beomgyu doesnât feel too bad about it because he thinks if you looked him in the eyes right now, he might combust. âWe should probably go,â you say haltingly. âWeâve been gone for too long.â
He blinks. Heâd almost forgotten just where you are and how compromising this position is. Then it really hits himâwhat he just did. Kissed you. Compromised you. At a party, a public event full of people when your courtship isnât even real and is in fact supposed to end soon. Granted, no one saw, but someone very easily could have. The door is open, for heavenâs sakeâhe didnât even close itâwhat is wrong with himâ
âYes.â The word comes out breathless, more air than sound. âYes, we shouldâŠwe should go.â
Slowly, you unwrap your arms from his neck. His arm slides off of your waist. And as the two of you leave the room, determinedly not looking at each other, Beomgyu canât feel much else but the absence of your warmth against him.Â
He feels a bit cold for the rest of the night.
. . . . .
It is a beautiful day out. The afternoon sun shines brightly through the windows, making the old curtains look almost cheerful, and when you and Sabine go outside to hang the linens to dry, the fresh but cold air stings your cheeks in the best way. Delia is playing in the small garden with Soyoung, and Henry hasnât had a tantrum all day. In fact, heâs sleeping right now, and your stepmother has gone to call on some of her friends in town. By all definitions, itâs a wonderful day.Â
Meanwhile, you are going insane.Â
Itâs been three days since the performance and ball at the Rosenbury house. It was supposed to be just another night out. You knew Lord Cho wouldnât be there so even he couldnât distract you from the specter of Mr. Choi looming over you, the knowledge that your contract courtship would end in just a few weeks. For all you thought about it, you couldnât understand why you were so upset, and that just made you even more restless when you entered the estate and almost immediately locked eyes with him across the room.Â
You remember polite but cool conversation. You remember feeling awful, having to keep a pleasant expression on your face all the while looking at the person you wanted to think about the least. You remember the performance being beautiful and romantic and lovely, so much so that you almost forgot your troubles, and you remember talking with Mr. Choi after and feeling a little better about it. At least, talking about the performance, you could forget about why you felt so wary speaking to him earlier.Â
But you got carried away. You started talking about things you had only ever admitted to yourself, in your headâthings you never thought youâd speak in front of someone else, much less Mr. Choi. You still donât know why you said anything. Maybe it was just that once you started, you couldnât really stop. Maybe it was because you knew you wouldnât be seeing Mr. Choi in a month anyway, so you threw caution to the wind. You threw it much too far, though.Â
You should never have let it get to the kiss.Â
The kiss. You squeeze your eyes shut in the middle of tossing a sheet over the drying line. Even now you canât stop the heat from rushing immediately to your face when you remember Mr. Choiâs eyes looking into yours, his voice low and soft, his arm around your waist and his hand against your cheek as he pressed his lips to yours. You felt so weak, then. But not in a bad way. There was a heat burning in your stomach that turned your legs to jelly and if it werenât for Mr. Choi supporting you, youâre sure you would have melted into a heap on the floor.Â
You couldnât stop thinking about it for the rest of that day. You canât stop thinking about it even now. It wasnât supposed to mean anythingâyou said that, and so did he. But youâre beginning to realize that just because you might say something, that doesnât mean it will be true.Â
You resist the urge to scream. You really thought the kiss would be a one and done thing. Mr. Choi obviously doesnât see you romantically and you were sure the same went for you. So why, even now, can you not think badly of the moment? As if it wasnât enough to be ruined once? If anyone finds out that you two were left alone in a room, much less that you shared a kiss, youâll be done for. You almost certain no one saw but youâll have to be incredibly careful now not to let anyone suspect anything happened. In the wake of that moment, youâre not certain you can trust your acting skills to save you as much as you could before.Â
God, why do you want him with you now? Why do you want him to kiss you again?
Sabine has gone back inside but you stay outside for a moment longer, sitting on the grass beneath one of the draped sheets. You would love to move and continue on with the day but your mind wonât shut up. The thoughts that you had been carefully keeping locked away in their little boxes in your mind are unraveling and if you donât try to sort through them right now youâll be a gibbering mess for the rest of the dayâeven more so than you already areâso you bury your face in your hands behind the fluttering white sheets and try to think.Â
Mr. Choi can be an annoying pest. You have over a decadeâs worth of arguments you can pull out immediately to prove this point. Mr. Choi, however, is not only an annoying pest, as unfortunate as that is. He can be very kind. Gentle. He loves children, as you saw with the duchessâs baby and with Deliaâwho still asks about him sometimes, and delights whenever he calls and she is allowed to see him. No one who adores children so much can be bad all the time. Not even he. And when he is kind, you can truly see the handsomeness for which he is so well known by the ton. It isnât just an outward beauty, which you could admit even when you hated him. Physical beauty means nothing. But when you saw that Mr. Choi was truly a good person on the inside, too, he became that much more handsome to you.Â
Focus. You pinch your wrist hard and the sharp sting clears your mind beyond Mr. Choiâs handsome face. He knows about your situation at home but did not press you to tellâinstead, you were the one who felt comfortable with him enough, somehow, that you told him voluntarily. He did not laugh. He did not look upon you with shame or even pity. He only helped you clean your wounds, and then came calling when you didnât expect it to give you new gloves because he knew then why hiding your hands was so important to you that youâd wear the same pair over and over for years when you couldnât afford a new one. He even gave you salve for your hands. You werenât lying when you told him your hands hadnât felt so soft in years.Â
He knows all of this. You were comfortable enough to tell him things you have never told anyone before, not even your closest friends. That scares you, and it brings back an old thought, one you used to view with irony but do now with a healthy dose of trepidationâthat perhaps, because you have shown him the worst parts of yourself for so long, you have nothing else you need to hide. That perhaps, even before this season, Mr. Choi knew you better than many others did, even those with whom you are closest.
You trusted him to kiss you and not to take advantage of you. You trusted him not to say anything to anyone about it. You didnât even think about it thenâyou were afraid your reputation might be unrecoverable if someone else saw, but never once did the idea that Mr. Choi would spread the news of your unintentional tryst even cross your mind. Because he wouldnât, you are sure. He wouldnât. For all the things that confuse you about him, his honor was never in question for you. He would never hold that moment over your head for anything.Â
God, do you really like him? It seems like you do. You were unduly upset when he suggested ending the courtship soon, even though you knew it had to have been coming. You never wanted to think about it but maybe you really did feel that Mr. Choi had become more of a friend than youâd ever admit out loud. You pull your knees up to your chest and swallow hard, trying to digest your mental confession. It would explain a lot of things, at least.Â
But would a friend think about another this much? All the time? And more importantly, would a friend want to kiss another this badly? Again?
Maybe you want him as something other than a friend. Something closer to a lover.Â
Oh God. You scream silently into your knees. No. Youâre not in love with Mr. Choi, you are certain of that. Absolutely certain. It wouldnât happenâbesides, itâs too fast. You couldnât have fallen in love with someone you hated so much just months ago. Months. It doesnât make any sense. There is no reasonable way that could have happened.Â
Love doesnât make sense, the traitorous part of your mind whispers.Â
Against your will you remember the performance, the dancers and their strange, wild, beautiful movements that took them away from and towards each other. It didnât make sense, but you knew the story was love, all the same.Â
It doesnât matter. You stand up suddenly, barely avoiding the wet end of a sheet about to slap you in the face. None of this matters. Because you are not in love with Mr. Choi, you know that for a fact. You would know if you loved him. Youâre certain you would. Right now, you know that you donât. And that is that.Â
God, this is terrible. One temporary lapse of judgement and already you are such a mess. You have other things you need to be thinking aboutânamely the suitors who might still ask for your hand. Lord Kim called the day after the Rosenbury performance. Mr. Winslow came just yesterday. Lord Cho himself has come to call twice in the past week. Twice. Mr. Choi hasnât even come once.Â
Yet heâs the one your mind wonât shut up about.
Several hours later, as you descend from your carriage in front of the Bridgertonsâ grand London townhouse, your mind still wonât shut up about him. If anything, youâre thinking about him even more because heâs also supposed to be in attendance tonight. You donât really know how youâll face him. You hope he isnât here yet.Â
You start walking up the front path, trailing slightly behind your stepmother who has already spotted one of her friends and is clearly eager to get away. Your fingers fiddle with your glovesâa bad habit that youâve only noticed this season, but you canât stop yourself right now. The gloves are the silk pair Mr. Choi gifted you. You really didnât want to wear them today, not when your mind is already in shambles, but the Bridgertons are an esteemed family in town and youâre honestly surprised that you received an invite to their ball. This pair of silk gloves with the careful gold stitching is perhaps the only thing grand enough in your wardrobe for this event. Even your gown, which you had been refurbishing during the nights with new embroidery and patterns youâd gotten from older dresses, canât quite live up to the elegance of the white silk Mr. Choi chose for you.Â
Youâve been to the Bridgerton estate only once before, and the sight of the inside nearly takes your breath away. The viscountess has clearly outdone herself with the decorationsâso tasteful and elegant, but never understated. Youâre not the only one gawking, which makes you feel a little better as the crowd pushes you inside. Taking a deep breath, you allow yourself to be herded toward the ballroom.Â
Itâs a crush tonight. No one in their right mind would turn down an invitation from the Bridgertons except in an emergency and it shows. You lose your stepmother easily, which isnât such a bad thing, but what youâre more worried about is the fact that you canât seem to find anyone that really know. Mr. Choi is supposed to be here. So is Lady Choi and probably her husband, too, but you canât see any of them yet. You wander the edge of the ballroom as people continue filtering inside, trying to seek out any familiar face, until someone calls your name and you turn around.Â
Your initial hope at hearing your name crumbles into dust as you come face to face with someone you usually try to avoid at all costs, even more so than Mr. Choi. âLady Trombley,â you say flatly, staring right into those narrowed snake eyes.Â
âMiss L/N! What a lovely surprise.â She flashes you a bright smile that doesnât fool you one bit. âI didnât expect to see you here tonight.â
âNor did I,â you say, curving your lips in the barest imitation of a smile. You hate her and she knows it, so you see no point in hiding your feelings. Honestly you wonder at the Bridgertons for inviting her tonight, but she is a titled member of society. Perhaps they had to for proprietyâs sake. âI donât exactly plan to see you anywhere, Lady Trombley. You just seem to be there.â Your smile turns sharp. âHovering, you know. Like a fly on the wall. Or a snake.â
Lady Trombley covers her mouth with a hand, all dramatic shock, but your face remains politely neutral. When you promised yourself youâd be married this year, you only swore off arguing with Mr. Choi. Lady Trombley is a completely other storyâshe is just mean. Nasty. She slithers around society like a little snake, spitting venomous words into everyoneâs ears like no oneâs business. You may have a personal feud with Mr. Choi, but if you were to choose who you loathed more, it would be Lady Trombley by far.Â
âWell, I only wanted to be kind,â she sniffs, and you have to resist the urge to roll your eyes. âAfter all, I truly thought you would have been married by now. You are quite a beautiful lady, Miss L/NâŠor at least, so society says.â
You raise an eyebrow. âI might say the same for you, Lady Trombley.â
âIs this not your third season?â she continues as though you hadnât said a word. âGoodness, how time flies. I suppose beauty doesnât matter much, thenâat least, not compared to money.â Her eyes flash with triumph. âIsnât it so upsetting when a lack of dowry prevents a beautiful lady from finding the match she deserves?â
âTruly,â another voice pipes up. Lord Grimson sidles up to her side, his eyes glinting with the same malice you saw in hers. âAfter all, it is one thing to bring in a beautiful girl with money. It is another thing entirely to bring in a beautiful girl with no money at all.â
âYour insults lack all imagination.â You huff out a laugh, keeping the fact that their words really do hurt you close to your chest. âTalking to you is like talking to a tree. Actually, a tree might possess slightly more intelligence than youânot to mention, more beauty, too.â
âOh, I do not insult.â Lady Trombley holds her fan close to her chest as though surprised at your statement. âI only state what I see, Miss L/N. And what I see...hm.â She leans closer to you, her face suddenly appearing right in front of yours. Her voice turns into a hiss. âI see a lady with a pinprick of beauty and nothing else to show for it. No husband. No dowry.â A smile slithers over her lips. âNo worth.â
Your smile drops completely. âBe careful, Lady Trombley,â you say evenly. âHow many seasons were you out before you found your husband? Two? Three?â You smirk. âPerhaps, my lady, you and I are not so different after all. Though Iâd fancy myself at least a pinch wittier than you.â
Her eyes narrow, and you can see her mouth opening to say something back. Not that it matters much to you, because youâre ready to bow out of this conversation without a goodbye, but then her eye catches on something or someone behind you and suddenly her whole face changes. âMr. Choi!â she exclaims, and you freeze. Her gaze turns simpering, her eyelashes fluttering quickly. If you werenât frozen at the mention of Mr. Choiâs name, youâd have half a mind to gag.Â
You manage to turn just slightly to allow Mr. Choi into the small circle of conversation, but he doesnât even look at Lady Trombley even when she addresses him directly. âI didnât know you would be here, Mr. Choi,â she murmurs, voice a pitch higher than before. âSurelyââ
âMiss L/N.â Mr. Choi dips his head to you without acknowledging Lady Trombley at all, very deliberately ignoring her and Lord Grimson. You blink once, twiceâheâs given them the cut direct!âand only just manage mumble out his name in greeting.Â
âIâm glad I was able to find you in this crowd. It is quite a crush tonight, is it not?â His smile, now that his face is no longer directed at Lady Trombley, has turned much softer. Sweeter. And all of a sudden you want to cry a little. Youâve managed to avoid enough direct confrontations with Lady Trombley and her crowd this season that youâd almost forgotten how terrible it feels to be insulted in public, and you know you can defend yourself, but it feels better than it should to have someone in your corner who might help you when you need it. âMight I escort you to the dance floor?â
Lady Trombleyâs high voice cuts in before you can answer. âSurely the rumors are not true, Mr. Choi,â she titters. âYou cannot possibly be courting Miss L/N!â
âI apologize,â Mr. Choi says, voice hard as he looks her directly in the eye. âWere you included in our conversation?â He offers his arm and you take it dazedly, letting him lead you away.Â
A few steps in, you realize he isnât leading you to the dance floor, but to a less crowded space at the edge of the ballroom. Youâre gratefulâyou donât really feel like dancing right now. âThank you,â you mumble.
âDonât thank me,â he says brusquely. âLady Trombley is one of the worst kinds of people. I canât abide her.â He shakes his head. âIt was worth it just to knock her down a peg or two, though it seems like you had it handled before I arrived.â
âWell, itâs old news that I have no dowry. You would think theyâd have come up with new insults in the meantime.â You shrug halfheartedly, trying to smile. Itâs more difficult than you thought it would be. âUnfortunately, calling someone poor triumphs over everything. Even a terrible personality.â
âYour personality isnât terrible,â Mr. Choi says sharply.Â
You raise an eyebrow. âThatâs the first time Iâve heard you admit it, Mr. Choi.â
He flushes a little. The sight makes it easier to smileâhe looks rather cute. âWell, Iâm saying it now,â he finally declares. âAnd it isâidiotic, to put someone down for a lack of wealth. Especially a dowry.â He snorts.Â
You blink. âWhat do you mean by that?â
Mr. Choi scoffs. âDowries are idiotic,â he says, loud enough for you to hear but not quite loud enough to carry. âIt is incredible that the brideâs family should have to pay the husbandâs to accept her, especially if the husband already has enough wealth to spare.â He shakes his head. âA stupid concept.â
You look at him for a long moment, trying to think of what to say. There are a lot of emotions spinning about your head and youâre not sure what to make of them. In the end, you give him a half smile and say, âYou know, if we hadnât hated each other for so long, we might have made a perfect match.â
Mr. Choi looks at you for a long moment, gaze inscrutable. You canât read his expression but he seems to be looking for something in your eyes, though youâre not really sure what. In the end you donât know if he finds it or not because he just gives you a little smile, pleasant and natural, and nods. âItâs a shame we got off on the wrong foot so badly,â he says, voice light. He looks away but you gaze at him a moment longer. If you didnât know better, youâd say you saw a hint of disappointment, or something akin to it, in his eyes.Â
But you do know better, so you ignore that thought and paste a smile of your own onto your face. âYou said I didnât need to thank you,â you say quietly, and he turns back. A wave ofâŠsomething, youâre not sure what, passes over you, but itâs definitely not bad and feels more like gratitude and relief and maybe that earlier urge to cry, so you continue. âBut I do. YouâŠyou are not the person I thought you were just a few months ago.âÂ
Mr. Choi stares at you so intently you almost lose your nerve, but you force yourself to say what needs to be said. It isnât fair, after all, to allow him to keep thinking that you still believe him to be a terrible person all for the sake of your own pride. âThank you for helping me just now. Thank you for the gloves. Thank you for not pitying me. AndâŠâ You take a deep breath. âI would like to apologize for my part in our childhood feud. I should not have thrown dirt at you, as angry as I was.â Itâs too hard to look at him right now so you turn your gaze away, but you continue. âIf I may, Iâd like to really put that part of our childhood behind us. Not just for the sake of the deal, but in reality, too.â
For a long moment, Mr. Choi says nothing. His eyes rove over your face with an intensity youâve never seen from him before. You remain still, letting him search for whatever it is he wants to find. âThen I must apologize as well,â he says finally, his voice quiet, though something brims in his words that you canât quite figure out. âI should have apologized when I ruined your shoes. I should not have let it get to the point that you felt you needed to throw dirt at me to get your revenge.â One side of his mouth quirks up in a smile. âAnd thank you, Miss L/N, for being the first of us to put aside their pride to resolve this years-long feud. You are braver than I am.â He sighs, and it sounds a little like relief. âFor what it is worth, you are not the person I thought you were before, either. I should like to move past our old feuds as well, for real this time.â
You feel like crying a little. Youâre not sure which emotion is responsible for itârelief, happiness, gratefulness, or some mixture of all three?âbut it doesnât really matter. You canât hide the smile blooming on your lips and you donât have much desire to, either. You feel happier right now than you have in days.Â
âŠRight. Now youâre remembering why you felt so moody over the past week.Â
You tear your eyes from Mr. Choiâs face, and more importantly, from his lips. Your cheeks feel warm but with luck he wonât notice anything, as long as you keep your voice steady. âMr. Choi, it is hard for me to admit, but I thinkâŠâ
âHm?â He blinks, suddenly looking very alert. You almost lose your confidence but you force yourself to continue. Youâve made it this far and he hasnât rebuffed you yet.
âI donât want to stop talking to you after a month,â you say all in a rush. He opens his mouth to speak but you barrel on, embarrassment flaring in your cheeks. âWe donât need to continue this courtship. I agree that weâve both met our own conditions. ButâŠwe could be friends, could we not?â Youâre too afraid to look at him for fear of seeing derision in his face, so you stay turned away. âTheâthe kissââ you mumble the word so softly you can hardly hear it yourselfââwe said it wouldnât mean anything. It wonâtâit doesnât mean anything. But I would like to be friends. If you agree.â
This silence is even more unbearable than the one before. âMiss L/N,â Mr. Choi says eventually, very quietly. âWill you look at me?â
Slowly, you turn back to him. There is no derision in his eyes. In fact, he is smiling.Â
âYou are far braver than I,â he says, seemingly more to himself than you. âI should like to be friends. I wasâŠtoo scared to bring it up on my own.â His smile widens. âThank you for asking in place of me.â
Bravery. You nearly snort. If only he knew how selfish this desire wasâthat your desperation to see him again, even after the aforementioned month was over, was what drove you to this madness. Still, relief pools in your chest and you nearly sag as all of your emotions hit you at once. âThank God,â you mutter. âI was terrified you would laugh at me.â
He looks at you with mock affront. âI would never laugh at you.â
You raise one deadpan eyebrow. âYes, you would.â
You sniff, barely repressing your own smile. âIâm always right, Mr. Choi.â
âBeomgyu.â
ââŠWhat?â Did you hear him right?
âBeomgyu.â For the first time this night, Mr. Choi looks a little uncertain, but he meets your eyes with a steadiness that keeps you rooted to where you stand. âIf we are to be friends, you must call me by my name, no?â
You open your mouth. Close it. To allow one to call you by your given name is an honor typically only bestowed upon family and the closest of friends. You know Mr. ChoiâBeomgyuâis friendlier than most in the ton, but to you? Now? âAre you certain?â you ask, blinking fast.Â
âOf course I am.â He smirks, but it isnât even infuriating anymore. âI always am.â
âTch.â You laugh. âIn that case, you must call me Y/N. As a fair trade between friends, of course.â
âWell, if you say soâŠâ He holds out a hand, smiling brightly. âThen might I ask you to dance, Y/N? As friends?â
You smile back. âAs friends,â you echo, and as he leads you onto the dance floor, you wonder why, despite all of your relief and joy in this moment, you still feel like there is something missing behind your chest.
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