#ninth.

being an idol was hard. all the years of endless hard work and then the amount of stress that is put on you. it’s even harder when your company decided to “spice things up” and try something different for their new group.

which is how you came to be in a male dominated group as the ninth and only female member. granted at the time the group was being formed, you were the only female trainee and it wasn’t like the company totally didn’t know what to do with you. that’s a lie, they had no idea what to do with you. so that’s more or less a quick and possible bad explanation on how you ended up in the ateez lineup.

training with the guys was fine. you got closer to some members more than others. it was a lot of figuring out how to make you feel welcomed after they had already had a year+ to get to know each other and figure the other out.

it was fine.

san was the first member to really welcome you into the group and made to sure to include you in on everything. at the time, you used to see him being nice as a friendly gesture, but now... you realize he only did it because he had a crush on you.

“you did?” you remember asking him one night as you laid in your bed together. the two of you were remembering your trainee days when san confessed about his crush.

“you were practicing your dance for the monthly evaluation and i was just so... fascinated by how you moved,” he explained causing a blush to form on both your cheeks. 

you wonder what would have happened to your relationship if you had noticed his feelings sooner. when you were trainees and even after debut, your feelings were ultimately occupied by the leader of your group. of course hongjoong was so blinded by his love for music and the eldest member, that he didn’t even think twice about you most times on his own accord. 

it was pathetic how you all acted around each other really. one member in love with two others and then one of those two might have returned the feelings while also liking a different member. it was just one big emotional mess.

sometimes you wonder what set off the chain of events that finally caused you all to become lovers. 

“i think after you confessed to hongjoong-hyung that’s when everything started,” san said that same night. 

that was honestly a whole train wreck and a story for maybe another time, but just know that hongjoong thought you were messing with him. so you ended up playing it off as a joke until you got to the dorm were you cried for an hour in the shower and then proceeded to lock yourself in your room for the rest of the night.

“i felt terrible that night. hearing you crying on the other side of you door and not being able to help you,” he spoke and by this time you were holding hands. you gave his hand a comforting squeeze. “i’m not going to lie, i was shocked when it was wooyoung would volunteered to go talk to you.”

you let out a laugh, “yeah i was too. woo was really helpful that night, i think it really helped our personal relationship.”

and it was true, when you joined the team, everyone seemed rather welcoming of you. all but wooyoung seemed to enjoy having you around. the male would often ignore you or would bump into you and then blame you for being clumsy. it hurt, you’re not gonna lie, but you pushed on and did your best to ignore his rudeness.

when you two ended up talking, you found out he was only jealous of how close you and san had gotten and that he felt like you were slowly also taking yeosang away from him. “wooyoung, i would never try to take san or yeosang away from you. i love all three of you dearly and would never want to come between you and the others. i’m sorry i made you feel that way, it was never my intention.”

“i realize now that maybe it me just being insecure of myself. i shouldn’t have been so mean to you.” you remember holding your hand out to him suddenly. he looked so confused and just stared at your hand before looking at your glassy, red eyes. he then took it after a few moments.

“i’m y/n, its nice to meet you,” you said softly as you shook wooyoung’s hand. “i hope we can be friends!” 

“i’m wooyoung. i hope so too.”

after that you two started to become close and it was like all the rude and mean things he did to you were put behind you both. you also began putting your feelings for hongjoong behind you and instead you began to grow feelings for san and wooyoung.

“when did these feelings happened?”

“i think... around our first comeback and when we were doing our first world tour. i began spending more time with you both and you both made me feel safe and loved. at the time i thought something was wrong with me for liking two people. i think mingi might have found me crying about it one day and talked to me about my feelings.”

mingi was probably the only person you could have deep life talks with, without the thought of him judging you for them. he never once looked at you like you were a possible weirdo or even a whore as might consider for what you told him.

“there’s nothing wrong with loving more than one person.” that night he ended up confessing about his own feelings towards not only yunho but you. “see you’re not a weirdo because i love two people too. you and yunho mean a lot to me, and i would do anything to keep you both happy.

you honestly don’t know how it happened, but all you remember is him leaning over to kiss you. the kiss didn’t last long because of wooyoung suddenly coming into your shared hotel room. at first you weren’t sure if wooyoung had seen you two kiss, but you could tell by the slight flash of hurt that he did. 

before you could say anything, wooyoung quickly left the room, door slamming behind him. you were thought about going after him before deciding against it. “i’m sorry.” you turn to mingi and smile at him letting him know he didn’t do anything.

this went on for a few months, you and the other member dealing with your feelings that seemed to be growing for each other. but then none of you knowing how the other felt. it was during the wave/illusion comeback when things started really happening. you began making friends with female idols and hanging out with them.

“hey, y/n do you think you can give my number to seonghwa?” you remember soojin asking you, and yes we are talking about i-dle’s soojin. you hesitated at first knowing that your leader was still in love with seonghwa, but you took the piece of paper with her number on it to not be rude.

“oppa, what do you think about soojin from i-dle?” it was the next day during practice when you asked. you weren’t looking at seonghwa directly, keeping your eyes trained on the reflections in front of you. you of course spotted hongjoong carefully listening in.

“she’s cute,” is all he said.

“she wanted me to give you her number,” you explain and seonghwa looks at you with a tilt of his head. “do you,” you quickly glance at hongjoong, “want it?”

“sure. it’d be nice to get to know her,” he says with a simple smile. you can’t help but catch the look of panic and hurt flash through hongjoong’s features before he turns away to do something else.

after that, seonghwa would text soojin almost every chance he got. after a few weeks, seonghwa told you guys he would going on a date with soojin. 

“i felt hongjoong’s heart break and i knew it was my fault,” you admit to san.

“you were just being a good friend to soojin.”

“but i knew it would have hurt hongjoong-oppa if soojin-unnie and seonghwa-oppa had hit it off like they did. deep down i think i did it because i wanted hongjoong to know how it felt to have his heart ripped apart and then i realized how selfish i was.”

“is that why you threw yourself down the stairs? to stop seonghwa from going on his date?” your silence confirmed what he said was true and san couldn’t help but laugh. “that was probably the most stupidest thing i had ever seen you do. you scared all of us half to death,” he confessed.

throwing yourself do the stairs at the dorm, probably was and still is the most stupidest and dangerous thing you had ever done. honestly, it was a last minute decision to try and maybe secretly make up for hurting hongjoong. you made it seem like an accident, that you were running down the stairs in your slippers. something seonghwa may have told you not to do in fear of you slipping and falling. it worked though, seonghwa cancelled his date in order to take you to the hospital.

“i’m sorry,” you told seonghwa on the way back from the hospital.

“for what baby? it was an accident, you got hurt and i have to take care of my members,” he says, an arm wrapping around your shoulders to bring you closer.

“but i ruined your date with unnie.”

“i wasn’t that interested in her anyway,” he confesses and you look at him with confusion. “there’s... someone or someones else that i’m more interested in.”

“who?” seonghwa didn’t bother answering with words. instead he used his free hand to cup the side of your face before kissing you. 

“w-wait,” you gasp pulling away, eyes wide in shock as you look at seonghwa. your left speechless, what the actual hell? seonghwa was the last person on earth you thought could possible like you. “i-i-i don’t... i don’t understand.”

“i think all nine of us are rather confused about our feelings for one another.” you can’t help but agree to his words and how true they were. looking into your eyes you quietly ask, “will you kiss me again?” you don’t know what came over you in the car ride home. the two of you kissed the whole rest of the ride, lips swollen and red by the time you reach the dorms. you felt slightly embarrassed that you and seonghwa made out in the backseat while your manager drove you home.

he bided the two of you goodbye before leaving, the three of you never spoke of it again, which was honestly fine by you. once back in the dorm, san was the first one two greet you and ask how you were.

“i think we all need to have a talk about what’s been happening with us these last few months,” seonghwa says, the remaining eight of you knew what he was talking about and soon enough you were all sitting in the living room confessing how you felt.

“so what now?” jongho asked from his spot on the floor.

“well,” yeosang began and everyone looked towards him, “i did some research a few weeks ago and found out there are relationships with more than two people. polyamory is what the internet called it, and i think we should all give it a shot. its obvious that we all really care for one another, and i think we can make it work.” he finishes and yunho is the first one to agree.

“i think we should give it a shot like yeosang said!” you swear just his smile alone could reassure you of anything.

“honestly, i couldn’t imagine my life now without being with you all. you bring me so much happiness and love,” you confess, turning to look at san.

“me too,” he says before leaning over to kiss you. both of you occupied with kissing don’t realize yunho had entered the room. a pout forms on his face before he walks over and jumps on the bed, landing on top of you both. you and san groan as yunho begins smothering you both with kisses. 

“hey are you three having fun without us?” wooyoung whines as him and jongho walk by and eventually joined on the way too small bed. eventually the remaining four members joined you guys, and now you and san are being dog piled on top of.