@ninebow &&. said... "Ren." A sharp gaze is thrown in his direction, all dulled amber turned scintillating in the flickering of lamplight. Here the night air almost feels oppressive, the dark in itself a velvet force of nature ENROBING all but the few sources of light capable of resisting its encroach. "We need to talk about what happened underground."
lightning bugs flicker and flit about, like stars more real than the illusory tapestry cloaking the sky above. he can feel the general mahamatra's stare like twin daggers pressing between his shoulders — never quite breaking the skin, yet unwavering in their threat to do so should he make any sudden movements. ren refuses to look at him. he isn't entirely sure why — perhaps out of shame, perhaps out of cowardice. ( perhaps there is some irrational part of him that BLAMES cyno for getting injured to begin with. ) he's grown so accustomed to ignoring his own emotions that they've become a tangled, indecipherable mess — and the harder he fights to make any sense of them, the tighter his clumsy movements pull the knots. oftentimes it's easier to fall back into old habits and ignore them altogether. placing them in a tank behind walls of thick glass — allowing himself the luxury of peering through to observe at a comfortable distance, never once allowing himself to feel them in their entirety.
what happened underground was an unmitigated disaster. a failure in every possible sense of the word. ren is FURIOUS — no matter how he tries to numb himself to his own emotions, though he can't quite figure out where to assign the blame. he knows he tortured a man, ground his bones into dust and slaughtered him like simple cattle. that sin, if nothing else, is justifiable — even if he got a touch carried away. ( though the sheer ENJOYMENT he took in snuffing out another fatui parasite is considerably less defensible. ) yet when he thinks back to that moment — when he had to choose between the general mahamatra's life and a shot at his long awaited REVENGE, ren's self-disgust is great enough to make his throat go tight. because he knows he could have just as easily left cyno behind. because he knows he seriously considered it, for more than just the split-second it took to understand the consequences. because he still regrets not taking the opportunity to press further — even if it meant abandoning a friend to die.
the wanderer knows he isn't a good person, and perhaps he never has been. ( this world has stained him, warped him irrevocably from who he once was. ) but to have such TANGIBLE PROOF of his own wickedness is a bit sickening. no matter what platitudes others may try to spout in his defense, the truth speaks for itself ... and ren has no choice but to accept it.
❝ ... ❞ silently, he extends a hand. a single firefly breaks away from the swarm, fluttering down to perch on an outstretched finger. the wanderer stares at it for a moment, proverbial gears churning away inside his skull so doggedly it's a miracle his thoughts aren't audible. ❝ what about? ❞ ren finally asks. ❝ you're going to have to be a little more specific. ❞ it sounds as if he's trying to be DISMISSIVE — though in reality, he simply hasn't a clue how to properly approach the topic. the general mahamatra has every reason to resent him, even if he ultimately chose to withdraw and prioritize saving his life. there is a nightmare lurking beneath an oblivious sumeru, and they've all been played for fools.
