#night31

cr. NEO Subs

Today's been mreh. I've been doing very little to nothing. Went to see my auntie and uncle and my baby cousin today too. I talk to my auntie and uncle about a lot of things. Things that are happening in my life. Things people usually talk to their mums or dads about. I can't talk to my mum like that and I ended up telling her that today. It probably broke her heart, the fact that her own child isn't what she thought. I'm struggling a lot but she can't do anything because I don't feel like I can tell her. I told her about one thing though. I told her about an argument I had with this one guy. Some pretty crude words were said and she wasn't please with the language that I used. She only found out because my auntie thought it best for me if she told her slightly and then get her to ask me about it more. Mum was pretty disappointed that I hadn't come to her earlier and that's when the truth came out that I don't tell her anything. She said she doesn't know if she can trust me anymore, purely because of the messages I had send to the guy. There's a lot of things my mum doesn't tell me. Similar to how there's things I don't tell her, really. We just don't work together, and that's how it is. My mum is trying to sort out that argument with the guys mum. They know each other. She's never really trusted me, she's just never been verbal about it. She's hinted at it and I know from what she says that she doesn't. And now she completely doesn't trust me. I told her about the argument and she didn't take my side, like family should. She didn't support me, like a mother should. Instead she made herself the subject and she took over the situation. I don't even know what's happening now with it all but it was never my main problem in life. That's why I've never really mentioned it before on here. So now I'm in a great position where I feel stuck. My mum doesn't trust me, I'm not doing very well in school, I haven't got much worth to my name, I'm not sure who I can trust, I don't even know how I feel, I don't know who I am, I don't know what I want, I don't know what I want to do, I don't want to go to school. I keep having suicidal thoughts, and after tonight, they're only more convincing. I've been crying, punching my leg and punching by other stuff and throwing things around just because I'm mad and angry and upset and just everything all at the same time. I need time away from everything, just to start fresh. But I can't because of the things I have to do because mum said so so I'm stuck being unhappy and I don't want to carry on. I'm not even sure if what I think is real. I don't know if what I feel is real. I'm don't know what reality is. I don't understand. I'm just in a big existential breakdown. I can never truly explain how I feel in words. There's just some stuff that I don't know how to say. I think I'm done for tonight.