How did you Love?
The family that Tough has now, and in the future, would help him understand Radiance… Sun’s Radiance, his ex… his best friend… the only person to have truly understood him. Radiance's need to be relevant, to be greater, to be an immortal God. Tough hated him for that, because from his point of view, it was a selfish and needless death. Everything Radiance did brought him to that death.
But Radiance, like Tough, wanted to leave a mark. He wanted to be remembered. He wanted to touch the lives of others, and give them purpose. Radiance and Tough both wanted to be at the centre of that. Radiance genuinely seemed to love his cult, love his church. Tough assumed they were seen as assets, disposable, and maybe they were. but when Tough rejected becoming Radiance's worshipper, it seemed to be like a betrayal. Tough didn't want to become just another number of mindless followers, but from Radiance's view, Tough was rejecting his love. Rejecting him. Rejecting his mark... his impact.
Tough's rejection of Radiance snuffed out whatever Godhood he felt closer to. He couldn't maintain his form, his health, even his sermons would peter out...
And then he died. He was dead long before Tough slithered in to the barn. He was dead long before Tough prayed to him... all that remained was a husk, frozen in a pose of divinity. And it collapsed on top of the one he needed to love him most.
And killed Tough, too.
If Tough were to understand Radiance’s perspective, it would be after he's spent more time with his nieces. Likely while taking back the Underwaste. I can see him feeling so proud of his charges... his nieces. But the thought of losing them, it strikes such a chord in him. It's not like before.. it's not something that just happens. It doesn't feel like betrayal either... rather. It is a risk. A loss.
It stirs him, this thought, much in the way he felt when he lost Radiance.
While underground, Tough goes out on his own, into the more abandoned parts of the old Colony. People congregated in the massive centre city, where trade was welcomed. They forgot the dark times, they forgot the ones who died, who drowned, who were buried… they forgot the screams. Tough Love never did.
He finds his old home, or what is left of it. Mostly collapsed in from cave ins and rot... but he sees his old cot, and finds some green army men under the pillow. Tough holds them... he can't remember his parents' faces at all. There are silhouettes, there are garbled voices, there are rough crayon scribbles all over where their faces out to be.
He sees a single, giant sunflower growing from the ceiling, its petals are bright, glowing pink. Rather than trying to grow upward, it is upside-down and growing toward the pillow, perhaps reaching down towards… his old cot? Maybe, those green army-men that were hidden beneath the pillow. How Theodore loved his little green army-men.
Tough's eye widens. Wouldn't a sunflower want the sun? Even one as full of corruption as this? Why grow towards what used to be...
It hits him.
Radiance... grew towards love. Love.
He wanted the same things Tough wanted, but their madness, their sicknesses... prevented them from really, truly being able to know it.
They were from this place. Both of them. Different mining colonies, yes, but still... They had both come from this Hell. Radiance's words to Tough hit him like a sack of bricks. "I'm forgetting, Teddy."
Forgetting was natural for those whose lives were ruined by the Poison, but that longing, that yearning translated into a need to be remembered. To never be forgotten. To make a mark. Every person lost to this tragedy, buried below, didn't want to be forgotten.
Tough would think about Radiance describing his to-be ascension. How happy it made him, the idea of always watching everyone, warming them, guiding them. And so many people, though unable to look upon him directly, would love him. Worship him. Unable to forget him.
Tough was always so literal, always dismissing the notions of Godhood. He didn't want to lose his best and closest friend. And in the end... he would reject him. Tough would now be able to see that Radiance's dream of being worshipped was a mutation, a corruption of needing to be remembered. Of having mattered. And when Tough rejected him… Radiance rejected Tough, cursing him out as a heretic, as blasphemous. He disguised his pain, his broken heart, with scriptures spoken so callously. He would scar Tough’s eye and he would leave him as the serpent cried out for him to stay. Promises of leaving together, just the two of them, like old times. Radiance didn’t want it to be like old times… he wanted to be adored. He wanted to be loved. He wanted to be worshipped. He wanted to leave an impact… a mark. If Tough were the only person who knew him, then how would he be remembered?
Tough moves his hands to his face, hearing the soft clatter of the bracelet he wore. He stares at it, remembering Radiance's softness. The psalm he recited as he placed the bracelet in Tough's scarred palm, like prayer beads.
FOR THE LORD GOD IS A SUN AND SHIELD. THOSE WHO LOOK TO HIM ARE RADIANT; THEIR FACES ARE NEVER COVERED WITH SHAME.
Tough can't help the sudden cry that escapes his throat, he crumples down on himself, tearing off his eye-patch and pressing the bracelet to his closed eyes. He sobs wretchedly, curling on himself tighter. He thinks of his family… the one he can remember. The one he made, choosing each member himself. His gang, The Surprisingly Severe. He thinks of Specter. Of Latch and Buttons. They would have followed him everywhere.
He thinks of his nieces, his… children? Martyr, Elaina, Carey. They remember him. They know him. He's left his mark on them... and they still choose to be here. He gave them purpose, and they gave him life.
He understands now, Radi. He understands now. You wanted to be remembered, at your core, that flame had never gone out. You wanted… to be loved. You wanted to have mattered. You wanted your life, which had been so carelessly discarded, to have meant something.
