#nicoager

Well, of course I’m upset.

“Look, Sebastian is-“

“Forget about Sebastian!” Blaine snapped. This wasn’t about Sebastian, it was about him. And Kurt. And his life. He definitely didn’t want that scumbag having anything to do with this, not after what he did. Not after what he tried to do to Kurt. Kurt blinked, taken aback. “I’m not mad at you, I just don’t want to waste any more time on him.” Funny, he thought, how time is so expendable until it’s limited. Then it’s the most precious thing in world. “I want to… focus on winning. I’ve got a new song I want to try out. The theme for Regionals is ‘inspiration’, and I think this fits the bill. You want to hear it?”

“Life's too short to even care at all, I'm losing my mind losing my mind losing control.”

He’d found the song quite a long time ago, but since the hospital visit he’d been listening to it more and more. Having a song to learn had been helping to take his mind off things. It reminded him that he could be happy without following the regular conventions that other people – namely his father – had set out in front of him. And even if things got him down, there was always a way out.

“I'm coming up now coming up now out of the blue.”

Blaine glanced at Kurt - perched on a stool, hands folded neatly in his lap – and smiled. Things had been going really well lately. Much better than they had been in a long time, even with the slushie fiasco. The song mentioned a fortune that the singer should’ve found by now. Funny, how Blaine could be so young, and have found his already. Cruel, how he could be so young, and have everything crumble.

“So I run now to the things they said could restore me Restore life the way it should be I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down.”

If only, Blaine thought. If only something as simple as running could make things better. The song rolled to a close, and for the first time Blaine realised how hard he’d been gripping the microphone stand. As he looked at his white-knuckled hands he heard Kurt begin to applaud. Kurt stood and walked towards the centre of the stage.

“Magnificent as always,” he said with a smile, then turned to the band. “Could you give us a moment?”

“Thanks guys, you were great,” Blaine said as they stepped away from their instruments. “We’ve got Regionals in the bag.” Kurt watched them leave, waiting until the door closed behind them before taking Blaine’s hands in his. The auditorium seemed so big, so empty and quiet, like without Blaine’s voice filling the air and bouncing off the walls there was nothing.

Kurt knew something was going on, something that Blaine wasn’t telling him about. He’d seen Blaine develop little nervous habits – the way he’d tug at his sweater; the perpetual twisting and turning of his hands; the far off look in his eyes like he was seeing something that hurt him.

So far, Kurt had put it down to the mess with Sebastian. Sure, it must be hard to walk halls filled with people known to throw the occasional slushie in the face of Glee club members, especially after what Blaine went through. But the sudden flares of temper, singing about suicide… Hell, Blaine had even worn that same bow tie two Friday’s in a row. But mostly the song.

“Blaine… Why did you sing me that song?” Kurt asked, his voice soft in the silence.

Blaine frowned. “Like I said, Regionals is coming up-“

“Honey, don’t lie to me, we both know this is about something much bigger than Regionals.”

The two of them looked at each other for little while, reading each other. Blaine tried hard to mask his panic, wondered if Kurt could hear his heartbeat anywhere near as loud as it was in his ears. He doesn’t know, Blaine assured himself, he can’t possibly know.

“It’s always a little bit worrying when a guy sings a suicide song to his boyfriend,” Kurt said, trying to smile, but he couldn’t lift the weight on his shoulders.

“No,” Blaine said quickly. “No, of course, God, how could I be so…” Of course he’d think that. In fact, the more Blaine thought about it the more the song seemed about suicide. Suddenly ‘life’s too short to even care at all’ sounded defeated and broken, not liberating. He’d noticed before, but those parts of the song didn’t stand out to him as much. He didn’t want to die, that was the whole problem. But… maybe…

Blaine figured it was comforting, really, that he could escape, if he wanted to. If things got real bad, he didn’t have to let cancer kill him. It didn’t have to be slow; Kurt didn’t have to watch him deteriorate.

“I didn’t mean it like that, Kurt, I promise.” Which was true, technically. He hadn’t meant that. “You know I wouldn’t do that. I just... I guess I’ve been feeling a bit down lately, you know with the surgery and… I haven’t really told you about this but…” Blaine bit his lip. It would be so easy to just say it, let it out, but no, now was not the time. “I’ve just been having some trouble with Dad lately. Nothing major it’s just… hard, you know? But, on the bright side, Mom and Dad are going away next weekend, so that’s some time off to look forward to.”  

Kurt studied Blaine’s face for a few seconds, frowning slightly. He knew Blaine well enough by now to know when he was trying to change the subject. Kurt knew that wasn’t it; father issues were nothing new. But Kurt nodded, resigning to the fact he wouldn’t be getting any more out of Blaine for now, and put his arms around Blaine’s shoulders. “All weekend?”

“Yep,” Blaine replied with a smug little smile.

Kurt leant forward and kissed Blaine gently. “How about I come and keep you company?” And keep an eye on you, Kurt thought. He was still worried, more so than ever, but the weekend seemed like a blessing. Now he’d know exactly what Blaine was doing, and know for damn sure that he was okay.