Narrative Power Rankings: Week 34 Edition
It's been too long. The Open Wide For Some Soccer team brings you power rankings for the storylines, memes, and narratives that have been bouncing around Major League Soccer this week.
1: #TFCursed
October 29th, 2013: "Mark it down, write it down, film it … We're going to turn TFC around and we're going to make the playoffs next year.” - Tim Leiweke
October 18th, 2014: Toronto FC fails to qualify for the playoffs for the eighth consecutive year.
We’re sending you the bill for all these notebooks, pens, and film, Leiweke.
2: Garbergeddon
We don’t know what was worse: Garber calling an impromptu conference call just so he could pop off at Klinsmann, or Klinsmann’s “I’m sorry if anyone took my insults as insults” non-apology.
3: The End Of The Road
There’s nothing more damaging to the legend of Landon Donovan than finding out that his favorite band is Boyz II Men. Except a few years ago when he said his favorite band was The Fray. Toss-up, really.
4: This Is How The Soccer Media Sausage Gets Made
There’s been an extreme amount of hand-wringing over the Deadspin story today about Chris Bianchi getting fired after having an email fight with Tim Hinchey. Don't act surprised that there may be internal politics and in-fighting, just as there are at any job in the world.
We’re just left with one question, though: who the hell fights over email in 2014? Pick up the phone, or better yet take it to Twitter like regular people so everyone else can gawk and pile on.
5: Live By The Sak, Die By The Sak
Shorter Nick Sakiewicz: “It’s not my fault, it’s just the collective fault of all the guys I hired!”
6: Raul-tirement League
Raul's reported contract with the Cosmos is a fantastic sign of growth of soccer in America: after years of having only one retirement league, now we have two! You've made it, NASL!
7: It Takes Two (To Make Player Development Go Right)
Seattle’s “unprecedented” event of announcing a USL-PRO side, named Sounders FC 2, came just hours after the Portland Timbers announced a USL-PRO side, named Timbers 2. So add “a new definition for unprecedented” to the list of things Seattle has invented.
8: Go West
Dom Kinnear will finally return to San Jose. Because nothing says “exciting coaching change” like “coach who’s probably going to finish 8th in the East goes to team who’s probably going to finish last in the West”.
9: The Answer Is Still Agudel-no
Wolves cut Juan Agudelo loose, saying “match fitness was the key for him.” The Power Rankings Kleptocracy expects Agudelo will try and figure out which random European country he can buy land in to get match fit immediately.
10: Heineken Is Your New Official Beer Of MLS
People have never been this excited to have a bland, overpriced beer associated with their league.
