#nickmullen

"I just want people to look at me and think, there's a guy who has his shit together," says 24 year old Darius Funk as he sips Ragu out of a mason jar and adjusts his propeller beanie. "I don't want people to think the only thing I have going for me is my fashion sense."

Margaret, a 26 year old race consultant for a fake company, applies Crayola washable markers to her face in a polite little coffee shop in Williamsburg. "I used to use the fine tip markers to do the ponies," she says, "but then my friend was like, what is this, 2007? I laughed, but I was really embarrassed." She pulls out the red marker and nervously scribbles on her forehead. "I felt like such an idiot."

So does normcore have any strict rules in terms of what to make your body look like to strangers? As cool young people, how are we supposed to adhere to something that's as fluid as a bicycle helmet covered in googly eyes, glowstick epaulets, and turbans filled with uncooked rice? How would you even go about identifying other normcore kids if one of them can wear a latex ski mask and another one just has a bunch of Pokemon cards superglued to their body? Also, do the beard bees sting you?

According to the NY Mag article, normcore isn't about ironic detachment from your fashion choices. It's about embracing appropriation and being unapologetic about it. It's about being cool by not being cool, but not about being not cool ironically, and instead being not cool authentically, but with only a perfunctory yet enthusiastic involvement in the underlying not-coolness. It's the understanding that in contemporary society, every day is like Halloween and every outward gesture is a costume - so instead of trying to have the best costume at the party, you get that cheap shitty mask that everyone else has, and you focus on the candy. You also have to wear a bee beard.

But, is normcore really an attempt to distance oneself from passive aggressive cultural appropriation? Or is it just inauthenticity appropriating inauthenticity itself, so far away from the original element that the dismissive guise of authority on any given subject can no longer be faked? Is there really such a thing as post-authenticity and an escape from irony though earnest ignorance, or is it just a bunch of stupid bullshit for white people who are over thinking tennis shoes? More importantly, who is paying these people's rent? And where are they getting those bees?

For a definitive answer, many are turning to Kirk Brambleman, an ammonia refrigeration technician from Kewaskum, WI, and arguably the founder of the emerging style. He's normcore incarnate. With his white Reebok's ombre colored half-green from chlorophyll, a "GO BACK TO KENYA" trucker hat, and a goose-down vest from the gas station, he embodies appropriated normalcy better than anyone else. Asked to elaborate on the underlying ideology behind normcore, he sums it up both succinctly and perfectly:

As the original racist Donald (Trump) pointed out, Michael Sam seems to be applauded for his homosexuality whereas Tim Tebow was derided and mocked for his Christianity. There’s a clear double standard here, and that double standard is worrying and problematic. Why is it okay for two men to love each other, but it’s not okay for a man to love an invisible man who will return one day to kill all of the men who love the wrong men? Would it have been better if Tebow held up a picture of Jesus and kissed it passionately, rubbed its crotch, and whispered sweet nothings into its ear? Should Tebow have hired a male stripper to play Jesus and sucked him off while reading the bible? Are there pictures of that kind of stuff online? Where can I download them?

I want to make it clear that, personally, I have no problem with homosexuality. I think it’s perfectly fine and normal, and by no means does it disgust me and make me uncomfortable. I don’t advocate the mass extermination of homosexuals, and I don’t want to drag them out of their homes into the streets, where they will be drawn and quartered, and their eviscerated bodies put on display to warn future homosexuals about the consequences of their actions. I don’t want any of that, but I do have a problem with homosexuals being shown on my television – and more to the point, I have a problem with homosexuality being forced down my throat, over and over again, tearing up my esophagus like the naughty face-anus that it is, just begging to be fucked raw by daddy. I have a problem with being exposed to things that don’t make me angry.

Make no mistake about it – homosexuality most certainly is being forced upon us. Sure, you would think I could simply change the channel even if I really was bothered by a gay kiss – which I’m not by the way. But, I can’t. You see, I have to watch football. I don’t really like it, but I have to pretend to like it because that’s what makes me a cool girl. That’s what keeps Ron living in my condo, helping out with the rent, and acting as a father figure to my retarded son Mason. If I didn’t drink beer and cheer for the good teams, Ron would see me for what I am – just another dumb bitch like all the other dumb bitches he’s dated, and I would be alone once again with my demons. My son Mason would also be alone, with my demons, and they’re worse for him because he’s the one that ends up with the cigarette burns.

That’s really the core of my objections here. It’s not really about my views toward homosexuality – after all, I find it to be an okay thing that, again, I have no problem with. I’m just saying that maybe we shouldn’t be exposing children to it. Not because it’s bad – but for some other reason. What if Mason sees two men kissing, and suddenly he thinks it’s okay to go out and murder animals or shoplift? What if Mason is confused by men kissing each other, chokes on a button, and dies? What if they televised Michael Sam’s gay kiss, and suddenly a plane crashed into the White House, killed the president, and Biden became president, and he made a law saying everyone has to be gay, and we were so caught up with grief that we agreed, and now we all have to be gay, and we’re enslaved by the real gays and tied down and fucked – our teeth bashed out so that we can’t bite down, and we live in a gay prison dystopia like the good seasons of Oz but no one is as hot as Christopher Meloni and we all have to suck the Nazi’s dick? What if all of that happens? That’s a possibility right?