#newdiet

We recently bought a bloody fancy body scale and it gave me a near heart attack when I went on it today. I knew the end was nigh after I hit 25 - After all, that’s when you’ve reached your biological peak and you officially have wrapped up most of the growing and development... 

But this is no longer some foreboding “Winter is Coming” cryptic crap. My scale declared - nay - pronounced that WINTER IS FUCKING HERE. So I shall weather this blizzard by doing what most basic yuppies do. I shall jump on a sexy lifestyle bandwagon that promises me the world... Like those happy white girls that twirl around in their flowy white garb, flowers weaved into their shiny blond curls, prancing in the middle of a wheat field in those tampon commercials. 

Which is why I am making this anonymous-person-posting-on-the-internet-official: I have decided to start my Keto-diet tomorrow.

Breakfast Oatmeal is officially replaced with 2 hard boiled eggs and some smoked prosciutto I chucked in the freezer a few weeks ago.  I shall have a bunless smoked salmon thingy-majic for lunch tomorrow with avocados. And I will keep my total carb intake under 50grams for tomorrow (I know, I know, the target should be around 20-30grams, but I am a realist). 

I am aghast that I can’t have my frozen blueberries (dafuq!!), and I have no idea what to do with all my frozen dim sum and dumplings in the freezer. If I am a betting person, chances are, I will break down in 3 weeks and return to them.  However, if everything they* say about the Keto diet is true, I shall experience quickish weight loss, a boost of energy, a surge of cognitive capacity and if I’m lucky, I may even grow a third boob**! 

This is also the perfect time to start, since my other half is out-of-town, which means it  will be incredibly difficult for me to accidentally murder the love of my life when I inevitably implode on a hangry-esque rampage...

We shall see... Keep you posted.

Signed,

Rando On the Internet Going on the Keto

*ie. the Keto Cultists

This Healthy Green Smoothie is a perfect addition to your new diet plan. It's packed with nutritious greens and a touch of natural sweetness. Enjoy the refreshing taste while staying on track with your healthy lifestyle.

Ingredients: 1 cup spinach leaves. 1/2 cup kale leaves. 1/2 cucumber, peeled and sliced. 1/2 green apple, cored and chopped. 1/2 banana. 1 tablespoon chia seeds. 1 tablespoon honey optional. 1 cup unsweetened almond milk. Ice cubes optional.

Instructions: Wash the spinach and kale leaves thoroughly. Add spinach, kale, cucumber, green apple, banana, chia seeds, and honey if using to a blender. Pour in the unsweetened almond milk. If desired, add a few ice cubes to make the smoothie colder. Blend all the ingredients until smooth and creamy. Taste and adjust sweetness if needed by adding more honey. Pour into a glass, garnish with a slice of cucumber or a sprig of mint, and serve immediately.

Prep Time: 10 minutes

Cook Time: 0 minutes