Post. Partum. Depression.

I tossed this phrase around in my head a lot during my pregnancy. As an emotionally-driven person who has a lot of ups and downs, as well as struggling with anxiety, I felt like I would be predisposed to suffering from this condition. And boy was I right. I need to put these words out there somewhere, and maybe it will help me deal.

Firstly, I have found liberation in research. There is a ton of science out there that not only supports, but directly proves that this condition is chemical, rather than emotional. For example, one of the main things that brings me a great amount of “the bad feelings” is pumping. I have to pump every 2-3 hours, and it’s exhausting. It’s hard to stick to a schedule when you have a newborn. But apart from that, when I start pumping, I physically feel nauseated, and an overwhelming sense of dread comes over me. It almost feels like a physical weight on my heart. I was wondering why this is, and so I did some research. Apparently, when you breastfeed or pump, your body temporarily produces significantly less serotonin (the hormone that promotes feelings of joy and happiness) in order to produce and distribute more prolactin (the hormone that allows the body to produce and excrete milk in mammals.) BOOM. Science. Just knowing this simple fact, just knowing that there is an actual “reason” behind the feeling I get when I pump makes me feel so much better. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love my baby. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to make milk for him. It doesn’t mean that any mother out there is “stronger” than me and willing to endure more for her baby. Some people are simply more predisposed to these chemical reactions based on their body compositions. Simple as that.

I think part of the problem is that motherhood, whether anyone will admit it or not, is a comparison game. Mothers torture themselves with these notions such as “well, I hate breastfeeding; it makes me miserable. But SHE breastfed for the entire first year, exclusively. Does she love her child more than I love mine? I need to prove to everyone and to myself that I love my baby. 

SHE lost all her pregnancy weight within two weeks of delivering. 

SHE didn’t get a single stretch mark.

HER baby is hitting milestones a month early.

and it goes on and on and on.

The truth is that some people get depressed, and others don’t. It’s chemical. It’s science. That doesn’t mean that anyone loves their baby more than anyone else. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom. Being tired is okay. Wanting a break is okay. Needing time away from your baby doesn’t make you a failure. 

Social media for a mom struggling with PPD is the most dangerous thing. Everyone posts what they want the world to see. Nothing more, nothing less. Because of this, we have this insane notion in our heads that everyone else’s life is extraordinarily smooth. This is FALSE. Everyone struggles, and some people are more comfortable than others showing that.