Self-criticism of my own storytelling because I feel bad about myself
My intention when creating a story in relation to the original work is to create a coherent and realistic version of the original, erasing the fallacies but not ignoring the primary data.
I have gone far enough in my imagination that I cannot erase my mistakes and look at them (Mello and Near) differently. They are already very complex and well-written (as I will allow myself to say, because I put an enormous amount of thought into them), but it still doesn't change the fact that I just adjust them to my needs, trying to create something big while actually just satisfying myself instead of describing a 'life form' I wanted to portray.. People are correct to imagine Near as autistic and Mello as a narcissist (though they all fail at that, because he fits the "husbando" type better), and then they ship them with people they realistically would never even look at. Some people headcanon Near as having chronic pain, based on how he stands and walks. It is actually such a good idea because autism and chronic pain are linked. As is chronic pain and dissociation (I have talked with real people who have DID/OSDD, and it is very, very present). But no, what I did is fetishize my characters, both of them. I made them likable, attractive, intelligent, and even when suffering, easy on eyes.
If Near has oculocutaneous albinism, why didn't I make him cross-eyed? Most people with that type of albinism are cross-eyed, or at least the majority. No, I had to make him pretty. So yeah, I did what most of the people in the fandom do. I took characters and idealized them so that I could daydream, relate, and feel good about myself, then called them "like real people". I didn't invest anything in them. Daydreaming in that form is an escapism from reality and daily suffering. If that is someone's goal, I understand and that's alright, but it's not mine (at last not in theory but I'm hypocritical). The problem arises when I say I "don't want to make fantasy" and "I want to describe a part of a human experience," but then put a heavy makeup on the characters to make them more likable for myself. That's hypocrisy. Because one thing is wanting to enjoy an idealized piece of fiction, and another is calling yourself "serious" about the realism of your story and vision.
