It has been 44 days since you left. 44 days since you last gave me a kiss, a hug, a gesture, a story, an emotion. It has been 44 days without waking up to my arms filled with warmth. Not only were my arms filled with warmth, your heart was filled with warmth. So was mine. People say I am going crazy and I need to let you go; but I won’t. My mum taught me to fight for something I loved for a reason. You can’t slip from my grasp that easily; can you?

When I met you I was introduced to that girl who wasn’t one to be loud and obnoxious. I was introduced to a girl who didn’t really care if she was the car or the shoe in Monopoly.  When I met you I was prepared for the wave of stories that was going to be thrown at me throughout the years. I wasn’t expecting you to fall for me the way I fell for you. Like waves at a beach, they fall and when they do sometimes it is hard and it causes the water to rush up the shore begging to sink into the sand to be pulled back away. When I fell for you I rushed for your touch and presence. I was desperate to hear one of your late night stories and I would do anything in my power to make sure those demons never got to you. But like waves, they are met back to the sea. Your goal was to make it through the day smiling as much as possible; but my goal was to make sure I was the reason for the smile to tug at your lips.

Some waves that hit the shore were harsh and easily remembered. The time that your eyes never seemed to settle and rest. That night where your demons learnt how to slip into your thoughts. That was a hard night, all you needed was to be held and to be reminded that everything is okay, but it wasn’t. I tried, oh did I try but your demons spoke too loud. After endless nights of crying I did everything to make sure that a smile or even a small glimpse of a lip tugging smile was painted on your face.

Some nights were just full of stories. Some were about on how you slipped in the shower and hurt your thumb and still don’t understand how you managed to do it, or how your first demon was accepted into your mind. Some stories were about the small things that wouldn’t be remembered by anyone else but me. As the words continued to fall from your parted lips, I couldn’t help but fall for you more. When you were your happiest, you would prance around the hallways in only socks and a long shirt and just giggle as the patters of our feet hitting against the floorboards as we continued to chase each other throughout the house.

There were some days where I had my demons fight over me. But you could read my like an open book. You knew what it was like to have scary monsters roam in your innocence and presence. You did everything you could to help me, yet you could never help yourself. You could never look at yourself the way I did. Or even the way your mother did. She looked at your with complete and utter admiration. Sometimes your mother would mutter how much she would never want you to get hurt and I made it my goal to make sure no one could.

It was when your mother passed that the demons got to you. That’s when I truly lost you. The splashes of pink in your cheeks were replaced with nothing. Your heart full of gold was replaced with nothing. You told me you needed time, you told me I needed to stay away from you and I thought that you would come back around. That maybe when I engulfed you reminding you that it was going to be okay that it actually may have gotten better. Maybe I needed to take my own advice that I once said to you. Here I was telling you how much you meant to me and how much you needed to listen to the words falling from my parted lips yet I couldn’t take my own.

It’s 3 months later that I am told by one of your friends that you had passed too. Not from suicide, not even close to killing yourself. You died like how your mother died. Leukaemia got both of you. Maybe it wasn’t the demons that made your face pale. It was the depth of this cancerous demon that killed you. Maybe that was why you pushed me away. Now as I use waves as a metaphor for love, it is a metaphor for you. You were the wave that caught me by surprise and swept me underwater. You were the one that made me grasp onto you for dear life because you my girl were the reason why the waves crashed into the shore attempting to slide into the sand and stay for a little while longer. I wish you stayed a little while longer as well. now you are the waves, ocean and sand. You are apart of the nature. You are now relaxed and no one can get to you. You can now relax whilst I play that final game of Monopoly. It is now 45 days without you and I miss you just as much as I missed you on day 44 and day 3.

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