#negative~

I cannot handle this gender shit anymore. I keep trying to ignore it and be fine with being called a girl but the more I try to ignore it, the more I think about it. I feel like I am going back in time and trying to hide myself even though I am out to everyone. Nobody tries and even if they verbally recognize anything about it, they don’t follow through consistently or they say shit “I know your trans, but ya know, you’re still a girl,” when asked in a game who she would go gay for. And then my friend was trying to help and was just like yeah just focus on it being their own lack of understanding and confusion. I don’t think I can anymore like it is not ok but I’m not gonna say anything bc I always get shut down or blown off every time I correct anyone because it is too difficult for them. I feel like nobody is going to love me at any point because I am too much to handle and even the people that are really trying to and want to help, I don’t feel comfortable talking because of the others that have offered support being the ones who end up shutting me down. I can’t afford anything and i am looking for a job and maybe if I get ra I can work and save enough for actually transitioning? All I know right now is that I feel hated, confused, disgusting, have no self confidence because nobody gives a shit about something that I really wish I could control and make stop, and cannot stop crying and really want a hug holy fuck.

I am back to the point of stress with 2 people dying and my mom starting to get fucked up again where I can’t eat without throwing up and I can sometimes keep water down if I am lucky. I hate this!! And I feel like I can’t talk to my friends about it (not bc they’re making me feel that way) bc I talked about it once already and I feel like I would be bugging them with sad shit and they’re happy!! I want them to be happy!! I don’t wanna be a fuckin debby downer so I keep posting shit bc idk what else to do!!! Also I’m not letting myself drink bc I know that it is just gonna become a normal cycle again of showing up to class drunk or just not going. Fuck man I am suffering and really duckin thirsty so ice cubes have been my go to but holy shit like at this rate imma be in the er bc of dehydration within a week. This is a fuckin fun as shit time and I do not have any clue of what is going on or what I plan on doin later with school bc I will probs have to deal with this shit for a long ass time. Catch me at a cc next year probs bc I gotta be the parent to my parent! Anyways have a good day and I will be not paying attention to any of this by studying and chillin eith friends!!

I'm not applying to UCLA because my mom is making me cut off 3 of 7 that I was applying to and I'm trying to be realistic but I honestly feel extremely dead inside and hopeless and lost and confused and want to die.

the school said never mind to having therapy sessions there and said every once in awhile I can go up to the counselors office for an hour or two and work on homework so no I get a therapist once every 2 weeks and it’s gonna be 5 sessions before we actually start getting into anything man like what the fuck I want to kms now not in 10 fucking weeks when helps will actually start coming?? and my case "isn't too concerning" so everyone is telling me to find the best of things like haven’t been trying to for the past like 4 months and trying to maintain my headspace by doing that?? dude the school is dumb and this whole thing is dumb i asked for help now for the 4th time in 3 years and the same thing is happening again that has every single time and now my parents are just mad at me for bringing it up again bc I’m being too much of an attention whore

I very much regret saying anything to admin at school about bad thoughts™ bc I had to talk to 4 therapists, a police officer and 3 of my teachers today and I am emotionally exhausted and my feelings have been invalidated by more than half of them :-)