#negative.*

i don’t like doing posts like this but if i don’t i think i’m just going to spiral further, so ... my relationship with my mom is a disaster. such a disaster that we’ve tried family therapy four different times with four different psychiatrist, that ended with my mom showing that she is incapable of change and incapable of seeing that what she does hurt me, let alone listen to me when i say it. things have been going downhill for a few years now.

and, well ... last week, after being dragged into one session of family therapy with a therapist i do not trust and feel unsafe with, my mother decided to cancel my psychologist (that does actually help me) after i’ve expressed my refusal to see that psychiatrist again, let alone do family therapy with her for the fifth time. being away at the dorms and thinking it wasn’t an appropriate discussion to have on the phone, i had asked her if it would have been possible to talk about it during the weekend.

her response was to cancel the psychologist, claiming that if i can make my own choices, then i can pay by myself.

needless to say, i am in the process of moving out. thankfully the school i go to has programs set up and they could find me a place (and even pay for it). but i will admit that some time may pass between now and then. and i do not feel safe to come back to my house, not with a mother that screams at me to get the fuck out of her house for three missplaced plates.

i miss my cat so much. and i miss my mom so much, too. what i would give for her to tell me that she’s sorry and ask me to come home. but she’s never apologized to me for a single thing in her life. not for things that mattered to me.

i’ve been having trouble sleeping, i’ve been falling ill countless times, and i idealize stabbing myself at night. i think of myself eating pills until i explose and they find me writhing on the floor or my minuscule room at the dorms. all of these mere feet away from my friend who was kind enough to take me in during the weekend. but i know i won’t do anything stupid. it wouldn’t change anything.

please don’t feel sorry for me, don’t pity me. just know it helps writing this down. and please understand why i may not answer on discord, why i may take time with replies or just drop things entirely. things have just been so, fucking hard, and it feels like i have little to no help here where i am. i don’t know where to go and i’m so scared.